#monthly reflections

Soooo January was an interesting month! It did not go at all how I expected.

First of all, my writing goals post has been shot to hell for this month haha. I said I wanted to finish my Elden Ring fanfic, but I haven't touched it in a bit. I still want to work on it (I don't like abandoning work, especially when I've put so much effort into it), but sometimes you just have to go where inspiration tells you to go.

I think the big catalyst for this sudden burst of creativity was attending a queer writing group in my city. It's not a big group, and I wanted to attend the few meetings they held last year, but I was too chicken. Anxiety is a bitch, eh? But I decided to power through it this time and attend, and it was one of the best decisions I've ever made! Truly. Connecting with other creatives—particularly queer creatives—and listening to them discuss their projects and their passion for writing and sharing stories was so invigorating. I really do believe that creative people need to be around creative people. I pulled out my notebook and a pen (and then another pen, and then I had to borrow a pen because neither worked of course) and wrote several pages for my BatB story.

A few days later I went to my favourite coffee shop twice in a row and completed what would later be the first half of a chapter that I couldn't finish for the longest time. I was so proud of myself.

After that, I ended up working a lot on another story I hadn't touched in two years... It's a contemporary romance (while I don't really care to read them most days I will write them sometimes). Wrote a few thousand words. I was so stuck. I had no idea where to take some scenes, but then I just went for it. It's like a damn in my mind broke and I was flooded with such clearly envisioned scenes I was able to write. Incredible.

Now, after listening to a song I hadn't heard in a while, I was hit with a (thankfully!) short story idea. While I've endeavoured to write a novel for years now, I've always completed short stories in the past, and I write them well. It's been a long while since I wrote a short, and I want to write this one out. Get it out of my system, but also return to familiar roots and really enjoy it. I miss it, sometimes. After years of attempting to write long-form stories (and in most cases getting nowhere), this will be a nice break.

Maybe I tried to dwell so much with the pain and the anger but if you look deeper, these feelings are just a by-product of love - of a heart that was left in the woods: wounded and betrayed. Maybe it's okay to admit that amidst the shittiness of this situation, you love the person and you cared but you were wiser than before... you were able to put some boundaries, you had that self respect that made you let go of it, you were able to continue to live and even you struggled in processing the pain with work, life in general lol and family, you were able to get by. Because I knew I will always get by. I've been here before and I don't want to be again. This will be the last time. I am wiser now. I am more in depth with my feelings. Even I clumsily approach things, I've always been knew that I'll get through it.

I think even how hard I tried so hard to forget that person, you can't erase the fact that all people you'd interacted with leave remnants in your soul whether you like it or not and most times, you need to accept that it's okay.

A letter to my dear friend Mona,

I am writing this because I saw a video of some wise words of Ms. Swift on my tiktok fpy and those words lead me to some pondering. As per Ms. Blondie,

"You can find romance in your life even you aren't involved in a romance. Life can be beautiful, spontaneous, surprising, romantic and magical without you having some love affair happening and you can replace all of those feelings you used to have when you are enamored with someone with being enamored with your friends, enamored of learning new things and challenging yourself and living your life in your own terms. ".

I just realized na my friends made my 20s truly romantic. Last minute trip na may 2 weeks planning haha, beach dates, museum dates, cafe dates, pinopost ka sa social media nila pagbirthday mo, birthday surprises, nakaladkad mo sa last minute shopping or gala, binigyan Ka ng roses, cards or cake sa birthday mo, will remind you to take your meds, will buy you coffee in a hard day, will ensure you got home safe, will send some food if namimiss Ka, etc. I understand now na when people tell you "you need to be alone in your 20s" because I am discovering myself and changing myself while growing with my friends and family. There is something magical on having that ability.

So Mona, thank you very much for being a dear friend of mine in my 20s. I have learn so much from you. Being resilient, letting things go so you stop stressing yourself, being a good planner etc.

I just feel extra grateful today that God gave me this season: a season of learning, self discovery, and to be more loving to myself.

Regards,

Your hard work pays off

Everything works out

You are not alone. There are people who are always there to support and guide you

Rest does not mean you are inefficient. You need rest to think about your next step, your plans, and digest whatever is happening in your life

You are abundant in many ways. So let things flow and trust the universe and God for everything

You won't loose anything as long you are trying.

You are worthy of love and abundance

You are capable of growth

You attract money and you are financially stable

Being vulnerable to your loved ones and learning to seek for their help is okay. You are never a burden.

Love comes in different ways and I hope I recognize it when it is seeking for me

Don't skip meals lol because you might have an another attack of GERD lol

Don't treat coffee as a meal haha

Express your gratitude to people. Sometimes a simple "thank you" can complete someone's day

Making peace with things that angered you is okay. I think it is necessary to forgive things and then let it go so you could heal but never forget the learnings. We don't want to carry another baggage

Not giving a fuck is okay haha. Made my life more peaceful lately. Learning this to one of my coworkers

Learn. Always. Be open to learning and I learn that to the few of the people I am working with. Being open to new learnings is better than sticking to your normal thought pattern.

Setting a boundary might anger some people who dont respect it

Writing gives me freedom to express my thoughts and this will always be one of my coping mechanism whenever I feel blue or overwhelmed.