springtimeraging

God please don’t make me go back there

what do i do. what do i do what do i do. what do i do. what do i do. what do i do what do i do what do i do.

Sorry I just remembered how hopeful I was a few months ago and felt so sick I almost threw up

Kicked in the stomach kicked in the heart "I hope this works out!" no I don't! Not anymore! I know better now! Done hoping! Wish I could be done trying! Just sick of hurting and feeling so alone!

"Why don't you remember that? It was just last year." Baby I only remember sliding into suicidal psychosis January to March of last year. Peace and love.

I literally love being a “raging feminist” and “misandrist” I love that men think I hate them when I really don’t think about them much at all, I just think about how much women matter to me <3

Had a taste of hope and then FAFSA said "no you're not doing this." One more almost, one more "I wish," one more "if only." One more thing taken away for reasons out of my control. One more wish that I could just kill myself and be done with it all.

And the funny thing is I would’ve married you if you’d have stuck around. I feel more free than I have in years, six feet underground

Why is it so abjectly humiliating to say “this hurts, I want it to stop hurting” why is it awful to say “I want to get better, I wish it wasn’t so hard” why is everything horrible and why would it just be easier to crash my car and not deal with it anymore, at least for a while

I think I was permanently damaged in October 2022 and will never love or be loved ever again. I cry about feeling lonely but barely was able to make friends in Pittsburgh and now I’m in NY like that’ll be any different. I’m just alone and I feel like I will be forever. I’m just trying so hard to start my life when it feels totally fucking over. I’m going back to school and for what, another degree I won’t be able to use? To be an undergraduate AGAIN? At 25? I just remember my ex saying “your ex really fucked you up” and yeah. I guess she did. I guess I was stupid to think anyone could ever really love me or find me attractive because I know the last one felt like I was a charity case. I want to be around friends and people who love me but instead I’m watching hulu with my parents. Maybe I should fucking kill myself.

Suicide as a form of revenge on the world and everyone in it

I genuinely do feel like a kicked puppy sometimes trying to be one of those steadfast people to loved ones who don’t communicate as much like everyone loves someone who will always be there and reach out no one wants to realize the kind of ache that comes with being that steadfast person. Like damn yeah I love you but I have feelings too and I do want to hear from you outside of me trying to keep the door open.

No I mean I get it but it does actually suck being on the receiving end of “sorry I was too tired/depressed/overwhelmed that’s why I’ve been ignoring you for days” like yeah I get it I get it I do but man c’mon

I hate everything. I hate this year. I hate my twenties. I wish I could scream and say all the things I’m thinking. I wish someone would take me seriously. I should be so happy, I got into a really good program that I was really hopeful for. I should be so happy but I’m not because I’m a joke to everyone who says they love me. I wish someone who I could see in real life was happy for me. I wish anyone could be happy with me. I wish I didn’t need other people to be happy with me. I want to die. I needed something, anything, so badly. But even this feels like nothing. Feels like a reminder of what could’ve been if I were smarter or had more money or something. I hate myself so much. I hate everything so much.

Kind of wild how little it takes to set off a spiral when your life already sucks

I don’t think of it as living in the past but I’ve wanted to go back three years and cradle my freshly 22 year old self while she cries. This time of year makes me so sad, and so angry that she had to go through that all alone. I know I got through it but I still wish I could cuddle her and let her wail into me while I rub her back. Sometimes the memory of it grabs me out of nowhere and I just want to hug her.