#monster post

SFW aka Hulk is a gift

Hulk is a tactile guy. If you’re ok with it, he tends to touch you a lot - a hand on your shoulder, an affectionate back pat, hugs, have you sitting in his lap or on his shoulder like an pirate’s parrot. It’s a way for him to show you affection, but also he just enjoys non-harmful touching - it’s a reminder to you but mostly himself that he can, in fact, touch people without hurting them. If you reciprocate, he’s over the moon. 

So, yeah, you’re probably going to spend a lot of time in his arms. Which is pretty great, as Hulk is warm and surprisingly cosy.

Dates tend to be non-traditional - very little going out to the movies or to a restaurant here, people just don’t react well and everything is tense and no fun. You don’t mind much, the two of you find other ways to have fun. Movie nights at home in comfy clothes with loads of snacks - what could be better? Other date ideas include: playing pranks on the other Avengers/Smashers, helping him train (ie Hulk showing off his strength for you), cooking together (Hulk is fond of spicy food - he is technically from New Mexico after all, and he is always happy to eat the evidence of botched recipes. Also he is the best at kneading bread. If a recipe calls for an ingredient to be smashed he is on it, which becomes an inside joke.)

Hulk isn’t the most eloquent guy, but he’s serious about relationship negotiation. Hulk is very aware of just how much bigger and stronger he is compared to you and how the outside world would view your relationship - he needs to know that he isn’t pushing your boundaries or making you uncomfortable. If you’re willing to initiate these conversations or help him clarify his viewpoint he’s grateful - he appreciates that you understand how important this is to him.

He is protective, sometimes very protective. He’ll let you fight your own battles but he is always going to be watching, ready to wade in if he has to/you ask him to. Frankly, anyone who messes with you is on his ‘to be smashed’ list. If someone, anyone, actually hurts you (especially physically - he has the same reaction to emotional hurt but is aware that smashing isn’t always the best response here - especially if the perpetrator is a friend or relative) then they’re getting smashed. Hard. He will then stick to your side like glue, offering affection, protection, comfort and reassurance until you bat him away. This applies whether you are a superhero yourself or not.

Hulk is super supportive. He’s great to vent to, able to offer supportive silence with affirming noises and/or increasingly ridiculous and violent smash offers depending on the subject of the ranting. You try not to do so too much, aware that Hulk has enough anger issues himself, no matter how well controlled. He supports your hobbies, even if he doesn’t understand them. He may not be the most vocal cheerleader, but you know that he supports you. Really enjoys watching you do/talk about the things you’re passionate about, he finds it really sweet. He also trusts you with his hobbies - you are the one person trusted with The Zoo (also he absolutely has a figurine of you, made after he introduced you to Glorian. It’s one of his favourites. You blush when you see it).

You will fight anybody who calls Hulk a monster or a beast. Hulk will try and pull you away, but inside he is super touched. Also, he admires your left hook - for such a small person you’re a pretty effective smasher. You also get annoyed when the other Avengers treat Hulk like smashing is all he is good at - you see a side of Hulk that not many others are aware of but you insist that it’s there to see, if people bothered.

He has quite a few nicknames for you: Tiny (no matter your size you are tiny to him, Little Smash(er), Pretty Girl/Boy/One (when he’s feeling playful or wants to see you blush).

Hulk is rather protective, and proud, of the fact that you’re his s/o. Not Banner’s, his. He cared about Betty, but she loved Bruce over Hulk, and really only loved Hulk as an extension of Bruce. You, on the other hand, care and love Hulk as his own person. That means the world to him. He repays you by seeing you as you are and loving the real you, rather than what others try to paint you as. Basically, Hulk is a literal gift and you don’t understand why the world can’t see that.

NSFW (such sin, but good sin)

I personally headcanon Hulk as demisexual. As such, you’ve been together for quite a while before sexual stuff gets broached. He just notices one day that he’s attracted to you, and is honestly a little mind-boggled; when did you become so sexy???? It takes him a little time to get used to. For a little while pretty much everything you do turns him on a little and he gets all flustered. He’s very glad that his thick green skin means that his blush isn’t very noticeable. 

Hulk doesn’t really have a preference for physical characteristics on a partner. Rather adorably though, once you’re together and he starts noticing you sexually, he tends to notice people who have your traits more, simply because they remind him of you. Not that he becomes attracted to them, he just notices certain traits that match or nearly match yours. 

So much negotiation. Hulk is so worried about hurting you, it takes a lot of discussion and reassurance from you before he’s ready to do much more than kiss you. For this reason, you initiate pretty much all sexy times at first. Eventually he becomes confident enough in himself and his knowledge of you (your body, your boundaries) to initiate.

Because of the huge amount of discussions, your sex life is a slow build thing, which just heightens your anticipation. Like pretty much all aspects of your relationship it’s non-traditional, based not on societal expectations but on what feels good and comfortable to you both. Because of this it is very, very good. You realise you may be spoiled and now ruined for any future sexual relationships, Hulk takes such good care of you.

You tend to be on top. It makes the size difference easier to manage, and lets Hulk relax a little. He’s not going to fall on you or accidentally crush you. You approve of anything that lets Hulk relax. 

Hulk is a gentle and enthusiastic lover. He is super responsive to you and enjoys instruction. Tell him what you like, guide him, beg him and just watch him light up as he gets to it. It is quite possible that your first sexual foray started out as a make-out session where you pointed out how much you like his size (”your forearms are works of art, big guy. I could get off against that wrist.”) where you precede to do just that. Hulk has a Thing about you masturbating on him, whether that’s you fingering yourself/jacking off whist you’re sat on his lap or humping his arm/thigh. 

Unless you have some shapeshifting/sizeshifting/magic of some sort, penile penetration just isn’t going to be a thing, he’s far too big. Frottage is a large part of your sexual repertoire - but as you will smugly tell anyone who asks, penetration is over-rated. Hulk does not find this at all frustrating - he’d never want to do something that would risk harming you. Also his focus is on making you feel good over making you cum/orgasm - and it’s really nice that he takes the pressure off (especially if you’re female-bodied).

The absolute king of oral (fight me on this). Hulk loves going down on you, absolutely loves it. It turns him on (loves the smell and taste of you, and the noises you make, yes, give him more) and soothes his ego - see he isn’t just a monster he is also a beast in the bedroom who can make you sound like that. Whether you’re on your back or riding his face he loves it. He will totally sling your legs over his shoulders and effortlessly hold you up as he goes down on you - oral sex + showing off his strength = win. Sexual episodes where he doesn’t go down on you at some point are pretty rare, honestly. You learn some tricks to reciprocate but Hulk honestly prefers giving over receiving. He gets of on getting you off.

Also the king of making out, once you get used to the size difference (honestly you are starting to realise you may have a size kink). Lying on him, mouths locked together, scraping your nails against his scalp as you grind down on his bulk = the best way to spend a lazy afternoon. 10/10.

His fingers are the same size of other guys dicks. Do with this information what you will. 

Hulk lowkey has a praise kink. He doesn’t accept a lot of praise outside the bedroom but you notice that once you’re getting down and dirty he just soaks it up, so you keep giving it to him. Tell him how good he’s doing and he just gets even more enthusiastic.

He also likes some sensation play, which you figure out after witnessing his reaction to you wearing velvet. This leads to you incorporating different fabrics and textures in the bedroom - Hulk is pretty open to experimentation (your whole relationship has been pretty experimental really, figuring out what you both want and can give each other) as long as he doesn’t feel like an experiment and it doesn’t risk hurting you). Velvet is a favourite of his. 

He enjoys bathing with you. Showers can be a little awkward as he’s so much bigger, but if you have a tub large enough he’s pretty much always down to bathe with you. He loves the warm water and skin contact. He’s very relaxed and playful in the bath. Will both splash you and wash your back. Great bath buddy.

Regardless of verse, Aurvael’s relationship with Haurchefant starts off mostly the same*: his brother introducing him to his new friend, stressing that Haurchefant is a boy, regardless of what the grown-ups have said. Aurvael, being Aurvael and quite aware that most grown-ups apart from Mama are full of it, is more than willing to accept this fact for what it is. However, there is a brief period of time wherein he is lowkey jealous of Haurchefant for shoving in on his time with his brother. It’s lowkey because he doesn’t act on it, and it fades away quickly when he realizes just how much Haurchefant needs Steph, and who is he to deny his brother’s sunlight to those most in need?

Once that little bit of jealousy dies down, it’s mostly smooth sailing - he accepts that Haurchefant is there, is Steph’s friend and while a little slower to warm does eventually see him as his own friend, as well. This remains rather steady through the next few years, and doesn’t begin to diverge until the verses themselves split.

* - the one exception to this order of events will be discussed after the others, due to how different Aurvael’s life is in that particular verse.

In the majority of verses, there’s not a lot that changes as the boys grow up, in terms of their relationship. There is a rough spot during Stephanivien’s ill-fated relationship with that social-climbing poor excuse for a Dravanian’s breakfast (who will remain unnamed on pain of Aurvael going on strike and refusing to cooperate for the rest of this discourse). wherein he gets quite angry at Haurchefant because he is the only one who would stand any chance at talking sense into Stephanivien... and he doesn’t. This is further complicated by the fact that Aurvael picks up on the romantic feelings Steph and Haurchefant harbor towards one another fairly early on, and while nothing is confirmed for him he strongly suspects there’s more going on than meets the eye.

He eventually gets past it and forgives him, and their friendship returns to what it is for most verses until the game timeline begins and the paths begin to diverge - that being friendly, though not as close as either is to Stephanivien, with a lot of good-natured teasing. In good end, this is more or less how it stays, although Aurvael develops an ‘allergy’ to Stephanivien and Haurchefant doing anything even vaguely intimate in front of him, reacting in a ridiculous, over-the-top way if he so much as catches sight of a hickey.  (In canon, of course, Haurchefant dies before the relationship becomes public, and so Aurvael never gets to be ridiculous about it.)

In the verse that is generally referred to as ‘blind!au’ and ‘amnesia!au’ for Haurchefant and Aurvael respectively, their relationship undergoes some rather dramatic changes. His friend’s blinding occurs while Aurvael’s out of the city, and while he does his best to be a supportive friend during the former knight’s recovery and adjustment period, there’s a new - if slight - note of uncertainty between them, mostly born of Aurvael not wanting to poke too hard at fresh wounds. There is a brief window of time wherein Haurchefant and Stephanivien’s relationship comes out and Aurvael’s over-the-top responses kick in, but all too soon he’s off on another venture, and this one changes his life completely. 

The Aurvael that returns to Ishgard after going missing (and very nearly presumed dead, for all that his family doesn’t want to give up on him) is a very changed man, and his relationships reflect that and change him further in turn. For a time, he’s distant from everyone, Stephanivien and Haurchefant included - but Haurchefant is quietly patient with him, and doesn’t seem to be hurt by his presence the way virtually everyone else is, so he rapidly grows to trust him and lean on him in a way he doesn’t in any other verse. Even once his memory returns, he trusts him to a greater extent than anyone else, save Steph - and once his relationship with Steph is more or less repaired, he relies on them both more or less equally, and spends a good deal of time seeking refuge in their company.

In kidnapping, his friendship with Haurchefant grows rather strained - but he’s determined not to let it break. He’s well aware that there is a lot of healing to be done, and that it won’t be a pretty recovery at all. To that end, he attempts to be rather patient and keep his good humor - but he is also fiercely protective of Stephanivien, so letting the more negative moments go is.... hard. For the most part, he tries to stay kind and hopeful for the sake of both Haurchefant and his brother, and to try to support Steph in what ways he can in an effort to help both of them. 

Now we come to late fantasia. This verse, along with solar eclipse, branches off at a much earlier point than the others - and Aurvael’s relationship to Haurchefant shifts rather dramatically as a result. His friend’s decision to at least outwardly conform to what society says he should be frustrates and angers Aurvael, who sees it as surrendering everything important for no reason that he can understand. As a result, the friendship shatters, and he spends years avoiding Haurchefant, unwilling to bear the sight of him molded into the image he’s expected to hold. This only begins to repair sometime after Stephanivien and Haurchefant wed, and it takes quite some time for the hurt and awkwardness to ease in both parties. It does, however, eventually heal, and while the scars stay, it recovers enough for them to be at ease with one another.

Solar eclipse, in contrast, is one verse where I can’t see their friendship surviving. Not only is Haurchefant eventually too wrapped up in Stephanivien’s well-being to maintain a relationship of any kind with anyone else, Aurvael himself can see the wreck that both his brother and friend are becoming, and makes the choice to pull away entirely - from both of them. Prior to this point, he was already distancing himself somewhat, after losing his prankmate as Stephanivien attempted to mold himself into a role he did not fit, and by the time things truly come to a head, he’s running himself ragged and staying far, far away from Ishgard as much as he possibly again. 

Honestly, in that verse, he likely distances himself to an alarming degree from everyone caught within the circle of Stephanivien’s slide downhill, and as a result stops considering Haurchefant as a friend long before the inevitable crash.

And now, at the very last, I bring up the verse I have developed the least, that also branches off at the earliest possible point: Aurvael’s very birth. In the as-yet-unnamed verse where his health is fragile, his lungs delicate and his body prone to easy fatigue and frequent illness, Aurvael meets Haurchefant as Steph’s first partner in crime, for though he would enjoy participating in his brother’s pranks, he’s watched too closely to sneak about on them. As a result of his different circumstances, Ayrvael’s relationship with Haurchefant is quieter, but he still sees in the other boy a friend - and one who can share tales of adventure with him. (And who will give Steph a friend who can do the things with him that he only wishes he could do.)

There’s a similar sort of jealousy that forms, akin to the other verses, but in this case it’s less of a juvenile belief  that Haurchefant may be taking his ‘place’ with his brother, and more envy at both Haurchefant and Stephanivien, that they can go out and do what he cannot. This envy is hardly directed at them alone, however, and as he turns it inward more often than not, it manifests as anger at his own unsteady health and results in him attempting to do more than he reasonably can. 

Unless otherwise noted, these are all things I’ve made myself, many times. I have commentary on most of them, including ways I feel the recipe could be improved upon. And if it’s a link to a betty crocker recipe, there IS a gluten free version available (I have celiac disease so I make the gf versions and will only post the good ones bc let’s face it, most gf subs are loathsome). Also most of these are from Smitten Kitchen, which is seriously wonderful and her cookbook is good too and has a crepe cake recipe which gets layered with buttercream and I dumped ganache over (yes I posted a recipe to ganache that doesn’t rely on heavy cream are you kidding me) and is very dangerous to make because there are people with forks and knives around and soon there are people with forks and knives eying each other over the last piece.

My recipes:

Chili: 4 cans hormel chili w/beans (whatever level of hotness you want--I like it pretty hot) one container of precooked unsauced pulled pork (we have Curly's out here) 1 can drained whole kernel corn. Although it's a pretty thick chili so if that's not your bag then maybe don't drain it. Or dump in some rum or cider or something. some oven cooked bacon (see here for how: http://www.thekitchn.com/how-to-cook-perfect-bacon-in-the-oven-cooking-lessons-from-the-kitchn-107970) Whatever veggies you need to use. I like to throw in poblanos or pepperoncinis if I got 'em Cheese. Which can include the 1/2 can of nacho cheese dip in the back of the fridge. Or the weird specialty cheese you got at the farmers market and really didn’t like on its own. Really I started making this to get rid of stuff from the back of my fridge and expiring things and people really liked it, so. Adulting win? Mustard powder if you want Carolina bbq style.

Dump it all in a pot on the stove over medium heat and stir occasionally. Ladle into bowls and have with cornbread or tostada chips or whatever.

Stuffed peppers: 2 cans refried beans (rice would work too) 1 lb ground turkey or beef, browned and in small bits 1 can drained whole kernel corn cheese (I usually use 6 oz in the pan and top the finished product with the remaining 2 oz) however many anaheim or poblano or bell peppers you want, cut in half from stem to point, de-seeded. Thought if they’re bell peppers you could just slice off the top so they’re little cups. Combine everything but the peppers in a pan and heat over medium to a slowly bubbling conglomeration. Parboil your peppers. Here's how (just make sure to cook them until *tender*, not soft or mushy): http://thecookful.com/pre-cook-not-pre-cook-question/ Lay the peppers in a pyrex pan and fill with the filling from the stove pan. Bake at 350 for 20-25 minutes. Aj's favorite scalloped corn: 8 oz sour cream 2 cans corn (not drained!) 1 box jiffy corn muffin mix stir and put in oven for 350 until it looks done (around 1 hour) 

Not my recipes:

Grab and go oatmeal-yogurt thing is good if you don't have time for breakfast: http://lifehacker.com/5942286/make-grab-and-go-oatmeal-in-your-fridge Okay, these. These are the best waffles ever. The recipe is from the late 1800s and makes you actually leave dairy out on the counter overnight which is terrifying but every time I have a waffle that’s not these waffles, I am filled with regret. These are better than the platonic ideal of good waffles. If you never cook anything else in your life, cook these. https://smittenkitchen.com/2013/05/essential-raised-waffles/ Really easy baked french toast with Bailey's (you use challah bread, and getting the discounted 2 day-old stuff from the local baker works great): https://smittenkitchen.com/2006/12/new-years-day-2001/ The ever basic and versatile macaroni bake that got me to start using hitting the spice rack every time I make macaroni: https://smittenkitchen.com/2006/10/cheddar-and-elbows-exalted/

Grilled cheese that you can pair with literally anything: https://smittenkitchen.com/2013/10/frico-grilled-cheese-sandwiches/

Cauliflower feta fritters. If you like feta, this is fantastic: https://smittenkitchen.com/2012/12/cauliflower-feta-fritters-with-pomegranate/ Hot and sour soup that has like 20 ingredients but seriously takes 10 minutes to make and is my ultimate comfort food when I'm sick. As good as chinese restaurant hot and sour: https://smittenkitchen.com/2016/02/hot-and-sour-soup/

Stupidly easy pumpkin pie that makes its own crust for you: http://www.bettycrocker.com/recipes/impossibly-easy-pumpkin-pie/ Cold rice noodles and peanut lime chicken (I found the dipping sauce unnecessary and will add more peanut butter and lime next time in place of the fish sauce): https://smittenkitchen.com/2012/06/cold-rice-noodles-with-peanut-lime-chicken/ Very, very good roast chicken: https://smittenkitchen.com/2012/01/buttermilk-roast-chicken/ The legendary ribs. Make these for someone you really love. Including yourself. Light up some candles. Prepare your body. https://smittenkitchen.com/2015/06/oven-ribs-even-better/ And chicken with a similar treatment to the ribs: https://smittenkitchen.com/2013/07/slow-and-low-dry-rub-oven-chicken/

I have problems with this roast. Namely that I have to be in a house that smells so amazing all night long while this bastard cooks in the slow cooker. It’s torment. Also no matter how much roast I put in, the leftovers always disappear really fast. It’s like people sneak to the fridge at 2am for the last piece or something and then leave the empty pan (you know who you are and SO DO I). Also, I never get brisket bc who has that kind of money, usually just get butt roast or whatever is cheap. Basically something that has a rind of fat on it (don’t worry, you’ll cut it off, it just really makes a difference in not having a dry roast when you’re slow cooking): https://smittenkitchen.com/2010/04/tangy-spiced-brisket/

Tequila lime chicken: https://smittenkitchen.com/2007/04/chicken-jealousy/ I often make this with boneless skinless chicken breast strips and throw it on a foreman grill, shred the final product, and layer with corn tortillas, enchilada sauce, cheese and peppers/other veggies in a pyrex pan and cook at 350 until all the cheese melts. Enchilada casserole! Just if you top it off with a layer of corn tortillas, make sure to coat them with a bit of enchilada sauce and put cheese on top otherwise they'll dry and curl up and burn in the oven before everything else in the pan is cooked. Taco pie: http://www.bettycrocker.com/recipes/impossibly-easy-taco-pie/ Peach and raspberry pie (makes its own crust): http://www.bettycrocker.com/recipes/impossibly-easy-peach-and-raspberry-pie/ Important: chocolate ganache: http://www.myrecipes.com/recipe/silky-ganache

Things I want to try but haven't yet: Strawberry corn meal griddle cakes: https://smittenkitchen.com/2015/06/strawberry-cornmeal-griddle-cakes/ (I have a pound of strawberries in the fridge; I'm going to make them before the ice storm is over) Rum campari punch (haven't done yet; really want to try): https://smittenkitchen.com/2013/12/rum-campari-punch/ https://smittenkitchen.com/2016/01/ugly-but-good-cookies/ This will make me feel SO grown up: https://smittenkitchen.com/2014/12/endives-with-oranges-and-almonds/

Yaasss: https://smittenkitchen.com/2016/04/sheet-pan-chicken-tikka/