#monsoonwrites

Street Brat: Chapter 96

“What is it?” He asked, holding Eren’s gaze. 

“My official acceptance into the Asura’s.”

Haroun’s little ghosts. Levi’s confusion grew. 

I actually never got too far into Street Brat. I was horribly shy as a teenager and the second hand embarrassment got to me way too easliy. I sadly have never finished a few of the Ereri classics because of that :'(. I remember exactly what scene i slammed my ipad closed and squealed and proceeded to try and read further but i couldnt. Eren went to the SC base to seek out Levi shortly after the Vulture fiasco. He was being so akward and full of anxiety that i felt it immensely through him at the time hahaha.

Now i'm an old ass 26 y/o and ive finally (for the 3rd time) sat down to restart, and give it a good read and get past what i couldn't origanlly.

On to my point. All these years later, its still amazing. Im on such a nostalgia trip and its been long enough that id forgotten a few small details that make it so good to read. Its like i get to experience it for the first time again even though i know what will happen to an extent. Its amazing. It brings me back to a time where things were mostly good, the fandom wasnt as shitty and none of us knew if we would ever get a second season. Nor were there too many chapters out beyond the first season. It was great.

(I also still have the pdf download from 2015, the first time i learned i could just do that and read it anywhere without wifi!)

I stepped out of the fandom circa 2017. It went crazy and i had the unfortunate luck to be in a decent sized discord server with very questionable people, cliques and my one of my favorite fanfic authors. Don't meet your heros is all i can say. They only allowed Erwri shipping. I at the time didnt even know there was a difference. I was so used to names of ships being just that. Not a designation as to who tops who or anything else. It (the server and the fandom in general) really killed my desire to be active in the fandom. I stopped reading and writing myself. Didnt watch the show anymore. I found other fandoms but kind of just kept to myself. Didnt dare comment or send and ask anywhere. It sucked being the only one in my friend group as well who like video games and anime, and nowhere to nerd out over it.

So, in light of all that, thank you. For making me feel a little like my old teenage self again. I'd thought that part was long gone.

Hello, friend.

This ask has been sitting in my inbox coming on a year, now. I remember when you first sent it. I haven't checked my inbox/messages often over the years; there are so very many (lovely) messages from readers asking after SB, and as the years went by, seeing them roll in went from heartwarming to a little bit heartbreaking. I wanted so much to finish the story I started, but didn't have it in me, and I really felt like I was letting you all down. I had not quite thrown in the towel, though. Some small part of me really thought one day, I could pick up where I left off. Then I could finally read all those messages, asks, comments, and I would actually have something worth replying. Your ask was one of the few I actually read because it's sheer size caught my eye, I had to know what you could possibly have to say after all these years that took so many paragraphs. I am glad I read it, although I didn't have the words to reply at the time. Sorry it has taken so long.

Thank you, for the lovely message. Looking back, SB was with me through so many life events, and it is so so incredible to think it was a pocket-sized companion to many others. I am also out of fandom now, but I think of those days fondly despite the cesspool fandom really could be. I am very lucky, though. I made my fandom friends very early, and had the privilege of enjoying it in the relatively peaceful bubble of their friendship, insulated from the worst of the storm. I was also in a few ereri servers , back in the heyday. Those were... rough. I am sorry you had the experiences you did, and wish we could have connected then. Fandom can be such a beast to navigate alone, its exhausting and takes the fun out of things fast.

I am glad you persevered with SB! When I first read that the crippling second hand embarrassment made you put it down, I couldn't imagine which part you could possibly be talking about. Never would have picked the scene you mentioned, funny how things hit different people differently!

It has been over seven years since I last updated SB. I can't believe I put it down one day and then... didn't pick it back up. After almost 6 years of updating almost monthly, I can't believe how easy it was to stop. By the time I realised how long it had been, I didn't know how to start again. I think denying myself reading the comments and asks readers had sent over the years must have been one final act of self-sabotage, because reading yours really shifted something. I shared it with my friends, that same close-knit group of fandom friends I made 10+ years ago when I first joined fandom, because I had to share it somewhere even if I didn't know what to say. I thought about SB a lot over the years, but I hadn't thought about it as much as I have these last few months because I really wanted to reply to you and to do that, I really wanted to have something worth saying.

I reread SB about 5 months ago. Absolutely ridiculous, btw. Almost 300k words? You guys are insane for even contemplating a behemoth like that. The start was rough. Incredibly cringey, awkward, awful. It gave me secondhand embarrassment. I couldn't stop thinking about it. I thought, well, even if I did update it, people might reread it, and they'd read that.

I couldn't bear it.

So a couple months ago I went back and re-wrote the first 30-odd chapters. Not completely, just editing it into something less cringey. I was travelling for work, stuck in my hotel room while a cyclone raged outside and a shelter in place warning was issued. Perfect writing conditions, really. Thank you, Cyclone Narelle.

That kick-started something; got old, long atrophied muscles moving, joints creaking. Last month I opened up my long-neglected SB Google Doc and started writing.

The fandom is practically dead. Many, like you, have drifted away and onward. I'm surprised every time I get an email saying someone new has commented on AO3, but I'm reading those comments now. Now I have something worth replying.

I'm building up a teeny buffer, for my own sanity, before I even think of posting anything. I can't churn out updates like I used to (I updated daily once upon a time. What was I smoking?) but slow and steady, I hope.

This is all to say SB will update next month.

Thank you for sticking with me. I'm so grateful for every single person who ever read any of my work. Especially those who were there right from the early days and those who are here now, many many years later.

So why won't it be heavy for you to carry?

I gave you my heart,you said my heart is too heavy to carry around everywhere you go So you left it to let it walk alone in the middle of nowhere You are right it's too heavy, Because I have some half written poems hanging on the layers of my veins Searching verses of your love in between the pages of my life But all I have is pieces of my scattered soul on the margins Glued with your unanswered replies And letters with dried roses and leftovers Some poems carry my tear stains While others are sunshine flavored happiness from your fake phrases I safekeep all the essence of your presence in the vintage box called my heart So why won't it be heavy for you to carry?

Whenever I try to speak, my words shiver beneath a scarf of fear. I always have words stuck on my tongue. To reach out, every letter has to hopscotch on the ribcage of my lungs. At once, my heart starts racing. I have to remind myself to breathe, which results in swallowing the sentences. So I write.

Why do I Write ?

Because I love to serve my thoughts on a platter of paper, with an aroma of emotions. My secret ingredient is feeling, and I sprinkle my soul-filled words gently like confetti. So I write.

Why do I write ?

For paper is the only place where I find solace. When I bleed the moments onto the sheet, it is the only time my throbbing heart never skips a beat. So I write.

Why do I Write ?

Most nights, I wake up to the darkness invading my mind chasing shadows till the end to meet memories enthroned inside my soul. So whenever I write, it makes us unite. We cage those penned moments in an envelope, with dried roses kept and sealed with love carrying pieces of my heart embedded within.So I write.

Why do I write ?

When my unspoken words of pain cry for help, I sit with my voices and bandage them pen as healer. I slowly, carefully touch them, place them on the paper, and wrap them as a poem. So I write.

Why do I Write ?

On the stage of life, I have stories to narrate but in front of a neglecting audience. So I write.

Why do I Write ?