#monic rambles

(( not that anyone asked about my condition, i just want to give you guys an update ))

my job is ok, although i feel kind of slow and unproductive. but i’m trying to fix it.

i feel somewhat burdened with school bc i gotta make my final thesis but i’m also busy working my ass off. 

my sleep schedule is messed up, i used to sleep at 10pm and woke up at 5-6am, now i can only sleep after 1am and wake up at 8am.

also, i’m in a “relationship” with a guy who makes me feel conflicted

like

i love him but he’s not a “good christian neighbor” type of guy. he looks like a thug but sometimes, he looks dazzling too. he smokes. he doesn’t dress neatly. he hates everyone. he doesn’t go to church even though he’s a christian. he’s got a stable job as an ux lead and he’s good at sweet nothings (and i am a sucker for cheesy lines too). he gives me surprises, he shows up when i need him. i’ve never liked someone this much.

god i’m probably gonna regret writing this later but i just, i want him.

then again, i’m not sure if i /really/ like him for who he is or is it because i don’t receive much affection from anybody (i feel that everybody always prefers somebody else to me) and he gives me the attention i craved

i was hanging out with my friends when one of them was like, “well, is he your type?” [asking me about some boy who’s texting me a lot these days] and i was like, “not really, no. but i have nothing against him, i don’t know.” and then my other friend immediately said, 

“i’m pretty sure that her type is older mature guys. she’s not into college boys, she’s into their teachers.”