#momspeak

The next morning we were on our way to the touristy Manali. The driver harping on that must have made that seem like the obvious choice at the time. While we reached out to the agency like I had mentioned, I didn’t want to rely on them entirely either. So we reached out to Club Mahindra, Manali to check for bookings and lucked out as they had one for two nights. Originally we didn’t qualify for the peak season as per our package and we had not wanted to be in a tourist hot spot to begin with, so that had not been an option. But here we were, headed exactly there! 

We got to the resort and it felt comfortable instantly. Besides seeing other humans there, there was a sense of familiarity, having visited other properties earlier. Aadyaa was comfortable and that’s what it boils down to at the end of the day. Since we had gotten a run-time booking, we did not get it for all five days and we were perfectly okay with that. The travel agency booked us a beautiful cottage, which included having a chef at our disposal for the remaining three days and it was not too far from the Club Mahindra resort either...so there was no dramatic travel involved again! It did make us think about why that wasn’t suggested in the first place...but we did not dwell on that too much...or maybe we didn’t have the time to! 

We made the most of our time in Manali in every possible way and did all things touristy! We explored the mall road a couple of times, though there was no shopping involved. We visited the Dev Bhoomi Ropeway and had expected to get an expression of amazement from Aadyaa...but it was just a few squeals and that was it! She broke into a run at the top of the hill as we waited for a cable car back...she was running towards a snow-capped mountain thinking she was close to Elsa’s home on the north mountain! The fact that we’ve had two Disney Frozen themed birthdays since are stories for another time!  

The place she really and fully enjoyed was the one we had least expected her to! It was the day to visit temples and we were headed to the Hadimba temple and the nearby Vasishtha temple. The beautiful stone and wood Vasishtha temple is at the end of a narrow uphill lane that we walked up. On the way, Aadyaa stopped at a pet shop to stare at the fish tanks and we let her be for a minute or two as a break during the walk. As we reached the temple, we could see her eyes fixated in wonder on the local womenfolk holding fluffy, white-as-snow Angora rabbits. They would let you hold one for a few minutes for a price. I would have never expected Aadyaa to want to hold one, but she insisted...and she lit up as she held that cute little bunny...it was a few minutes before I took it from her, but it made that whole trip worthwhile. 

After a while as we neared the stone structure of the Hadimba temple in the midst of towering conifers, she stopped again to pet an adorable little lamb. It was the most thrilled she had been on the trip and that resulted in a demand for a pet rabbit or lamb for months to follow! Needless to say, we were able to talk her out of it eventually!  

Reflecting back on moments like these makes me think of how children find joy in the simplest of things! Aadyaa’s love and care for animals has only grown since she showed us this glimpse of what tugged at her heart. 

Just as we thought the adventure had ended, we were chased for a bit by a local couple who rented Himachali costumes for a photo op. It’s one part of being a tourist I genuinely dislike, but I was curious to see Aadyaa dressed up as a Himachali girl. As soon as we showed some sign of consent, the lady got to work and wrapped Aadyaa in the costume. Those clicks of hers are some of my favorite clicks to date and hardly anyone who has seen them has disagreed. What got annoying was that other people who were getting the clicks in the costumes wanted to click photos with her! To say that she was uncomfortable and we annoyed would be a gross understatement! Anyway, we wiggled out of there and got back to the room.  

By virtue of being in a town, we were able to order a birthday cake for Aadyaa and enjoyed a quiet celebration. 

The last part of the trip that we spent at Kabini River Lodge was the opposite of the leisurely Mysore and Coorg stays. It was adrenaline rush from the word go! The resort is simple, clean, practical and strategically located. Everyone coming here has the same two-fold agenda: going for maximum jungle safaris and hoping for awesome sightings of the big cats! We realized how passionate people are about this when we got there...it’s really hard to miss and even harder not to get bitten by the safari bug! 

Tired from the road trip, we dozed off early...in anticipation of the promised ‘wake up call’ aka loud knock on the door. We woke up while it was still dark, cold and quiet. After a quick and much-needed cup of piping hot tea, we headed out to the open jeeps! We were allotted to a jeep and we got in all excited and chirpy, Aadyaa included! 

The other couple in our jeep seemed to know our guide well from previous safaris they had done with him and assured us that we were lucky to have his company for the very first trip. HIs amazing tracking skills, his understanding of animal behavior and his passion to make this a memorable experience for the passengers he was responsible for during those safaris was evident throughout. We owe part of our love for the jungles to him and his perspective that you may drive on the same jungle route a million times, but no two drives will ever be the same.

As soon as we entered the Nagarhole National Park, he heard langur calls and began tracking right away...it led to our first ever sighting of a leopard crossing the road with two little fur balls in tow. It was mesmerizing to know about how the animals give each other warning signals using peculiar sounds each time a predator is on the move through the jungle. From subsequent safaris, we have learnt that a quiet jungle means that the apex predator in that territory has its tummy full and is resting somewhere...the jungle literally comes alive as soon as the predator is on the move, whether out for a kill or not! 

Aadyaa was chirpy and babbling and while we were excited for her to experience the jungle, we still hadn’t realized that a two-year cannot possibly spot an animal amidst the thick foliage! Since it was our first safari, there was no experience to draw upon ourselves. She got bored even though we tried to show her the abundant langurs, macaques, peacocks and birds. She had been woken up early and got cranky real quick. The guide asked us to try and calm her down...but we weren’t very successful! In a normal situation, we would have probably just retreated to the room, but a jungle safari is not something you can drop mid-way and return. Thankfully, she fell asleep due to the jeep’s motion and after one assertive “shhhhhhh” from the guide :D So the rest of the safari was more of a narration that she heard from us when she grew up a little. 

Regardless, it was, and still is the best safari we’ve been on till date...with sightings of a leopard with two cubs, two sub-adult tigresses, numerous other animals and birds...and having survived a mock charge by the matriarch of a sizable elephant herd. The mock charge had us sweating and the guide and the couple laughing at our plight...we joined in and had a good laugh eventually, but not before the thought that this could be our first and last safari had crossed my mind :D 

We returned for another jungle safari that afternoon and then a boat safari the next morning! The Kabini river banks were buzzing and we saw crocodiles, elephants, otters, peacocks, wild boar, deer, sambar, gaur and even a jackal that looked rather clueless running back and forth on the same strip of land. I don’t have a list of all the birds we saw during the jungle and boat safaris, but I do wish I had maintained it. Another regret is not having had an SLR at that time so we could have captured the big cats. 

With Aadyaa’s second birthday celebration done just the way we had imagined it—at the Mysore zoo, spending our entire day undisturbed with Aadyaa—we left by road for Coorg. 

We had a reservation at The Windflower Spa & Resorts at Coorg and from the photos I had seen while making a selection between the choice of resorts the travel agency had given us, I was absolutely looking forward to getting there! This resort is located much before the bustling all-about-spices Coorg city and had a beautiful sense of calm to it. It was a little off road and secluded, so it was a conscious choice for those who opted for it.  

The staff was very warm and welcoming and our suite had a humble view...green, vibrant, and calming! The restaurant was towards the other end of the property and it exuded quite the opposite vibe. It was always busy, dishing out amazing menus and preparations...a definite foodie’s paradise! The restaurant overlooked an infinity pool that had a beautiful sustainable design. It had gracefully accommodated two trees that stood tall and proud bang in the middle of the pool. Just a glance at the pool evoked the feeling that you don’t have to enjoy at the cost of nature, but rather by embracing it! 

The stay at this resort was especially peaceful thanks to the F&B Manager, Mr. Sangeeth Sundar, who checked in with us at every single meal about what Aadyaa was having and whether she was happy with what was on the menu. He catered to her needs and brought her a perfectly spiced mashed dal khichadi or a glass of warm chocolate milk before we even requested it. A cranky kid hardly makes for a cheerful vacation...so a happy baby meant happy us! 

The only time we ventured out of this pad was for a trip to the Dubare Elephant camp. Once we got there, we had to take a small boat ride to the camp, where we were greeted by a calf who was being bathed by the caretaker. This is one place where you can get really up and close to elephants and Aadyaa would babble about this place for months afterwards, until her brain then latched on to something more exciting. She would enact how the elephants skillfully held the coconuts they were offered in their trunks and ate them and also how they splashed water with their trunks. With sound effects for both, of course! :) It was a sight to watch! We had nothing else planned and so we could spend a good couple of hours at this camp and just let her be, exclusively observing the gentle giants all around her (quite literally) in amazement! 

We did not go all the way to the spice market while we stayed at Windflower, since shopping for spices was never on the list anyway. Also, Aadyaa was too young to take her around a spice & herbs garden or a coffee plantation, since she wouldn’t understand anything anyway. As we reluctantly checked out (having no time-table is our idea of the perfect vacation and this one came pretty close!) to proceed to Kabini, the driver did persuade us to make a quick stop at the famous spice market. The only thing worth mentioning that I bought from there were awesome spice drops...concentrated extracts of ginger and lemongrass among a few others. 

Loss of a parent is something that leaves a forever void regardless of what stage and age of one’s life it happens...you can NEVER be prepared for it! 2014 had been such a year of sudden loss...it was like being caught off guard in the worst way possible with my mom’s aggravated illness and death! And the only one person who saw us all through it was Aadyaa! 

No matter how helpless, stressed, and pained everyone at home felt in the days leading up to the loss and since, we had to be normal around her...she needed the love and the care...and she in turn, with her silly antics, blabbering, questions and just by being her wonderful self, restored some sense of ‘normalcy’..or at least, made it seem like that. 

As Aadyaa’s second birthday approached in May 2015, we knew it had to be special for her...on that day and when she would grow up and look back too! At the same time, there was an unsaid fatigue from dealing with everything over the past few months and absolutely no mindset for a big celebration. 

When we gave it a thought, it seemed like taking time off from work and spending so called ‘quality time’ with Aadyaa would be the best way to bring in her birthday! In any case, she was too young to enjoy her birthday party with no real friends of her own yet. Besides from the big first birthday bash, we knew that throwing a party would mean that we would be busy in the prep and playing host and would ironically spend very less relaxed time with her on her special day. This idea of taking off for her birthday then became the norm for every birthday...a decision that we are so proud of! 

Since her fifth birthday, we have thrown a small party at home too so she could celebrate with her friends. But that’s never been on her actual birthday...it’s usually a day or more prior. On her birthday, we have almost always been traveling somewhere, making memories and having fun at a different place each year...and it has never felt more right!  

I’ve had enough conversations with other moms now that I have decoded some obligatory Momspeak. 

Most of my interactions have followed this exact pattern: When visiting a new mom (or I guess any woman who’s just had a baby, whether or not it’s her first), it is one’s duty to tell her, “You look amazing,” and as an acknowledgment of her accomplishment, say, “Good job, Mama.” The last required piece is a comment on the baby: “He’s/she’s so cute.”

Each time someone says, “Good job, Mama” to me, it takes me a minute to realize who people are referring to when they use the word “mama.”

Mama. Mother. Mom.

These titles conferred upon me feel foreign, awkward, like each of them is an ill-fitting shirt I’ve been asked to try on. None is comfortable. It makes think of The Namesake’s main character Gogol Ganguli, who doesn’t want to start kindergarten because, as his Bengali family’s tradition dictates, he will have to go by a new name, his formal name Nikhil: “He is afraid to be Nikhil, someone he doesn’t know. Who doesn’t know him.”[1]

My current life circumstances seem to qualify me for the designation of “mom,” but I’m going through the motions, half-convinced some authority with a clipboard will knock on the door one day and revoke my status.

It wasn’t until I was 32 that the prospect of being someone’s mother seemed even the vaguest possibility. Five years later, I am finally someone’s mother, and I don’t know who I am. I don’t know who this “mama” is that people keep mentioning while they look at me. My pre-mother self is still out there, but she feels impossibly remote, astray, as if she now exists in a parallel universe.

I’m so glad we have friends who will unabashedly ask to come over and hold Otis. They also want to give me a break, but I’m pretty sure baby-holding is the priority, and that’s okay.

When our church friend/Malachi’s classroom assistant Carol came over to hold Otis today, I made a point of paying attention to how she talked to him. I am embarrassed to admit that I don’t really know how to do this. And the other day, I even forgot the words to “Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star.” The part of my brain storing that kind of information has completely shriveled up from disuse until now.

So I try my best. I narrate some of the things Otis and I do with my own call-and-response, for example, I’ll say, “Is it time to check that diaper? Let’s check that diaper,” or “Are you cold, honey? Yeah, it looks like you’re cold.”

And I’m guessing my doctor would say I’m doing just fine as long as I’m talking to him, but I run out of things to say. Talking to a newborn is the equivalent of talking to yourself, and I’ve never been one to do that. I even bought a voice recorder, years ago, with the intention of speaking ideas and inspirations aloud when it was too inconvenient to write them down.

But I never used it, not once. I kept packing and unpacking it as I moved from house to house, feeling a wave of guilt each time I saw it. After maybe eight years of this, I finally put it in a box for Goodwill. I felt stupid talking out loud to myself.

This is perhaps related to some deep-seated issues I have around using my voice, that go back to me creeping down to my parents’ bedroom and standing silently by their bed in the middle of the night. When asked what was wrong, I couldn’t bring myself to say I had a bad dream or was scared. I couldn’t say anything. Some kind of shame-based fear told me not to open my mouth.

So of course now, 30 years later, I’m afraid I’ll stunt my baby’s intellectual, psychological, and emotional growth because I can’t carry on a one-sided conversation with him. I think he’ll end up like those Romanian orphanage babies, with reactive attachment disorder, learning disabilities, and a failure to thrive.

So I eavesdropped on Carol and Otis for a few minutes, and realized that it’s as much about presence, enthusiasm, and tone as it is content. She just held him and put her face close to his, saying things like “You like looking up at those pictures, don’t you?” in a warm and gentle voice.

Shame tells me I’m doing something wrong if I can’t even remember nursery rhymes. So then I think I should try a different tack, like maybe letting loose a stream-of-consciousness diatribe on something meaningful, say, my thoughts on the state of 21st century free market capitalism…or Nabokov’s writing style…or, maybe, naturopathic medicine. However, my audience is mute, with the exception of snorting, grunting, and squealing.

Perhaps I’m overthinking it.

Now sit down and shut up or so help me I'm going to turn this website around!