I type the message. I reread it. Once. Twice. My eyes roam over the words again and again until they donāt even seem like words at all. I second-guess myself, finger hovering over the delete button for multiple seconds. I hold it down, slowly getting rid of everything. Nothing eases my mind. I still feel exposed. The conversation ends before it even begins. I close my laptop with a deep sigh and lie down in my bed. I dream of a reply to my very hesitation, mocking me. Youāre so indecisive that it makes your sister look firm. The tone was taunting, comparing me to someone who canāt decide where to eat. Hours later I awake, unsure if the reply was real. The room continues as normal, but my chest still feels tight as I think about it. I glance over at my laptop sitting closed on my nightstand. My hand faintly brushes over the cold metal. I leave it there, telling myself that one day Iāll muster up the courage to hit send.
Steer Clear:
Reading instructions all the way through. Washing the dishes.
Starting my assignments. Checking grades.
Refilling prescriptions. Touching up my roots.
Changing my nose jewelry. Styling my hair differently.
Spending money. Clicking āconfirmā.
Looking in the mirror. Weighing myself.
Making eye contact. Holding a conversation.
Setting boundaries. Saying no.
Sitting with silence. Letting it be awkward.
Impaired Initiation
Decision paralysis (or analysis paralysis) is the inability to make a choice due to overthinking, or feeling overwhelmed. There are common causes such as perfectionism or fear of negative outcomes. Itās also an often overlooked symptom of ADHD (Attention-Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder). People with ADHD experience decision paralysis due to issues with executive functioning. The ā30% ruleā suggests that people with ADHD often have executive functioning delayed by about 30%. I have ADHD.
Delayed
Eventually. A word I use like a placeholder, something I can set down in a spot where a decision should be and come back to. Later. An excuse I tell my mom so sheāll get off my back about cleaning my room. Soon. Something that feels safer than now. Tomorrow. After this. Next week. In a few minutes. Someday. Sometime.
Not. Yet. Iām not ready.
Pending
People donāt take kindly when I donāt respond, they snap their fingers in my face as if Iām not paying attention. But the world taught me that if I say nothing, then the conversation never really ends. It taught me that some responses are riskier than others. So I hold my tongue. Thereās no outcome, no judging your words. It remains open. Nothing is required of me yet.
Baby Blanket
The square pattern now gapes with holes big enough to fit my entire head. Stitched sections my grandma repaired hang on for dear life, thread worn with time. It sits only and always on my bed, sometimes I hold it for the sake of just touching it. An eighteen year old blanket thatās been hugged, squeezed, rubbed, drooled and puked on. My fear of being āuncoolā constantly tells me to throw it away, but a little voice in my head that sounds a lot like this little girl that used to be me tells me no. That I should hang onto my childhood, even if it was kinda shitty. One day Iāll decide, but for now? Iāll avoid.
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