why just say the jiang have an unnatural tolerance for spice? why not all flavor? Poisonously bitter, super sour, ultra sweet, the burn of the strongest alcohol, the jiang adore the extremes of flavor and still have very discerning palates and people with iron stomachs are WIMPS compared to the stomach resilience of the jiang, it wasn't on purpose but a true jiang is next to impossible to poison (which definitely helped Jin Ling when he's in Koi Tower)
Despite knowing that they were in the deepest, most isolated safe room in Koi tower, Jin Guangtong couldn't help keeping his voice low. "Thank you for meeting us here. Your... services are greatly appreciated, we assure you."
His fellow conspirators ducked and bowed their heads in agreeing acknowledgements, which went ignored by their guest who sprawled on his cushion like a drunken commoner. "Glad to be here," he grinned, vaguely sarcastic. "What services did you have in mind, exactly?"
"The new Jin-zongzhu." Jin Guangtong didn't think beating around the bush would get them anywhere.
Their guest---blast the man for refusing to give his real name---blinked. "Wow, I didn't think you Jin were capable of being that direct. You want the brat snuffed, eh? Not gonna just use him as your figurehead? Seems like that'd be more your type of thing. What, did his spirit dog shit in your shoes or something?"
The handful of other nobles around the table started blurting out their complaints, heedless of order or dignity. "He's punishing bribery!" "Had my nephew executed for a harmless bit of fun with a servant girl!" "He's auditing the tax collection!"
Jin Guangtong cleared his throat. "The brat is, unfortunately, intractable. Comes from being raised by that asshole of an uncle in Yunmeng. I'm afraid the boy is... idealistic and unwilling to adapt to the realities of ruling such a large and complex network such as Lanling Jin."
Their guest nodded pensively, scratching at his jaw. "I can see your problem. I've got one more question, though. Not to be ungrateful for your admittedly generous payment offer, but why not do it yourself?"
"His lineage is extremely strong," Jin Guangtong sniffed. "The highest pedigree, which means that his golden core is exceptionally strong."
"Plus he's been trained by that paranoid maniac since he was toddling around that backwater swamp," someone to his left muttered.
Jin Guangshan threw a quelling glare over his shoulder, though of course, they had a point. Jiang Wanyin's training had been rigorous to the extreme due to both his and his nephew's insistence that the latter be able to wield the formidable Jin Zixuan's sword when he came of age. And since Rulan would be unlikely to match the sword's strength at first, those Yunmeng bastards had taught him to be deadly with a bow. Because apparently there was no kill like overkill at Lotus Pier.
And speaking of overkill. "We in Lanling Jin are certainly not... unfamiliar with poisons. However, between the strength of the boy's core and the inevitable wrath of Sandu Shengshou, it is imperative that the poison be untraceable as well as effective. Preferably something innocuous that can be chalked up as a tragic accident. A food he is allergic to, perhaps."
Their guest barked out in laughter. "Wait! Wait a minute... you said the kid was raised in Yunmeng, right? And you think he has a food allergy?!"
Jin Guangtong drew himself up in irritation, unnoticed by the cackling man in front of him. "I don't see why not! In fact, noble though our lineage is, our blood has always had a weakness to-"
"Look, look, I understand where you're coming from, I do!" the mysterious man wheezed. "It's just... well, I've spent some time in Yunmeng. In fact, I've even known some Jiang disciples. Frankly, I'm not sure anyone from Lotus Pier can be poisoned!"
"Ridiculous!" another voice scoffed.
"Look," their guest continued, still trying to contain giggles. "The only region that can even compare to Yunmeng for spice is Meishan, and the ruling family of Lotus Pier is half Yu. The whole sect is used to a flavor profile that could kill a Lan at fifty paces, and that's not even taking into account the dares."
Jin Guangtong blinked. "Dares?"
"Oh yeah," their guest drawled, somehow managing to lounge even more. "Those Rangers are insane. The butcher sect might run their people through a crazy level of training, but nothing and no one can survive crazy like a Jiang. They don't even train for it- it's just how they live. Those bastards challenge each other to lick poisoned toads for fun! They will eat anything that comes from the river, no matter how disgusting! And don't even get me started on the so-called 'twelve-day rule'..."
Jin Guangtong decided he didn't want to know. "But surely, as the Jin heir, Sandu Shengshou wouldn't have allowed-"
"Sandu Shengshou?" their guest scoffed. "The man who cobbled together then had to feed an army of massacre survivors and rogue cultivators? The man who spent the first decade of his rule rebuilding his home from a few burnt sticks poking out of---how'd you describe it?---a backwater swamp? The man with the bottomless stomach? Seriously-" he added, abandoning his slouch to stab an emphatic finger into the table. "That man can pack it away like nobody's business. I think his fucking legs are hollow or something...
"Anyway," he continued, lounging once more. "The point is that Sandu Shengshou's perception of what is and isn't edible is... flexible. Especially knowing his shixiong's penchant for supposedly intolerable amounts of chilies."
"Then how do you plan on killing Jin Rulan?" Jin Guangtong spat, throwing his hands up in exasperation.
"Oh, I'm not planning on killing Jin Rulan," their guest grinned, still scratching at his jaw. "I'm planning on killing you!"
Then his scratching fingers began pulling his own face off.
Jin Guangtong and his conspirators all recoiled in horror, a horror that increased one hundred-fold when their guest's discarded face revealed the damnable visage of Yiling Laozu himself!
The reborn master of demonic cultivation twirled the grotesque false face around on his finger. "Neat trick, isn't it? Picked it up from Xue Yang, of all people. Ah well; genius comes in all forms. Now!" He leveled a sinister smile at the gathered men as he raised a black flute to his lips. "Raise your hand if you wanted my beloved nephew dead!"
Eventually, the screams faded away into gurgling, then silence. Jiang Cheng nursed a bottle of wine as he leaned against the secret meeting room's door, still glowing purple from his sealing spell. Some of those fuckers had really made a go at it, but none of these lazy Jin were a match for his own spiritual power.
After the silence reigned for a few moments, the wood against his back rattled with a brief knock as his brother's cheerful voice echoed out. "It's done, Jiang Cheng! You can let me out now!"
Jiang Cheng took another lazy swig. "What's the password?"
"Jiang-zongzhu is a little crybaby bitch who can't put his shoes on correctly," Wei Wuxian's voice snarked back, sounding decidedly annoyed.
"Nope, that's not it," Jiang Cheng answered, wiggling the bottle so that the sloshing liquid was audible. "Damn, this really is good wine."
"Jiang Cheeeeennnnnnggggg," Wei Wuxian whined from the other side. "You're so meeeeeaaaaaan! Making me do all the hard work-"
"You wouldn't let me kill them, you bastard! Said I had to keep my own hands clean even though they where plotting against my-"
"-while you lounge around drinking Lotus Pier's finest wine like a mean meanie who's mean!"
Jiang Cheng rolled his eyes so hard he was pretty sure he got a good look at his own brain. "Gods, you really are three years old, aren't you..."
"Let me out, you asshole! You know my core isn't strong enough just yet!"
He considered the wine bottle in his hand. "Say that Yunmeng wine is better than Emperor's Smile."
A scandalized gasp sounded from behind the door. "You wouldn't!"
"What's the problem? It's true," Jiang Cheng shrugged.
"But Emperor's Smile is so delicate!" Wei Wuxian protested. "It's the perfect balance of-"
"Well I guess I'll just go and find someone who does appreciate Yunmeng wine..."
"Okay, fine! Bastard. Fine, Yunmeng wine is better than Emperor's Smile!"
Smirking, Jiang Cheng released the seal on the door. Wei Wuxian stumbled out of the room that now stank of blood and excrement. Jiang Cheng amiably held out an untouched bottle, which his brother grabbed eagerly.
The deviant spilled half the fucking bottle down his chin as the other half went down his gullet, but smacked his lips like a satisfied toddler. "Hits the spot," he crooned. Mischievous eyes locked with his. "Emperor's Smile is still better, though."
Jiang Cheng snorted. "Traitor."
"Barbarian," Wei Wuxian retorted loftily.
The two bothers clinked their bottles together and took simultaneous sips.
