You're Worth the Whole Damn Bunch of Us Put Together
An Archive of Our Own, a project of the
Organization for Transformative Works
Find it as ironic as you want, but Atsushi whose gifted ability was to turn into a giant white tiger, was not at all fond of tigers. He was scared of them actually, scared of himself sometimes too when he turned into that beast. He had always been afraid of the tiger, even before he found out that that tiger was just himself.
Everytime Atsushi used his power, there was always nagging thoughts that seemed to surface in his mind ‘what if I lost control?’ ‘what if I hurt someone?’ ‘what if I can't change back?’ Those thoughts would haunt him like like restless spirits.
Although all his friends at the agency trusted him and always dismissed these fears he had, Atsushi couldn't help but worry. He worried that he would end up hurting one of them, or even just a stranger, because if he ever did hurt someone like that he would never be able to forgive himself.
Because for Atsushi, who was just trying to earn the right to live in the world, hurting any innocent person was just cruel and evil. If he ever ended up hurting someone, he wouldn't be able to live with it and would rather kill himself than stay pouting the earth with his shameful self.
When Atsushi accidentally let this fact slip to his boyfriend Dazai, he went ballistic. And it surprised Atsushi more than anything because Dazai was a suicide maniac who was always trying to do himself in some way or anyone.
“Atsushi-kun, I never want to hear you say something like that again!” Dazai shouted and he was besides Atsushi in less than a second, gripping his shoulders.
They had been sitting on the couch watching some reality show that Atsushi couldn't follow, he didn't even know how they got to the subject, but Atsushi wish he wouldn't of said what he said. Dazai was frightening when he was like this.
“D-Dazai, I'm sorry!” Atsushi stuttered, his hands went to Dazai's wrists in a feeble attempt to pry him off of himself. “It was just a joke, I didn't mean anything by it!”
Dazai who usually wore a smile that could make anyone feel compelled to smile back was looking at Atsushi with a look of disbelieving disgust that made shame bubble in Atsushi's chest like hot oil. “I know you're not joking, so don't even bother lying.” He wasn't shouting now but the sound of disappointment in his voice had Atsushi wish that he would shout. He suddenly pulled Atsushi close to his chest and held him tightly as if he would lose him. “Despite what you may think, Atsushi-kun, you are one of the few good things in this world, you’re worth the whole damn bunch of us put together. And if anything happened to you, the whole world would mourn.”
Atsushi felt the wave of heat that rose in his cheeks, he turned his cheek to Dazai's chest and closed his eyes. “Dazai- I really am sorry for saying it. I- I just,” His voice cracked and he wrapped his arms around him, his blunt nails digging into the fabric of Dazai's shirt. “I've been hurt by others before and I know how it feels, it feels horrible, and never do I want to make someone feel horrible. I don't want to hurt you,” He whispered the last part.
“Are you forgetting my own ability, Atsushi-kun?” Dazai asked, he rested his chin atop of Atsushi's head and sighed. “Even if you do lose control like you fear, I can stop you from hurting myself or anyone else.”
Atsushi had forgotten that little bit, but as much as he wanted to, he didn't ask Dazai what would happen if he wasn't there to stop him. Instead he stayed quiet, listening to Dazai's fast heartbeat. It slowly dawned at him by saying what he said, his worst fear had come true. He had hurt Dazai with his words. The guilt bubbled and popped inside him and it was making Atsushi feel sick. How could he do this without even realizing it? He was just opening his mouth to try his best to apologize when Dazai spoke first.
“Don't get me wrong, Atsushi.. I'm a fanatic for suicide. It's a death in your own way with your own terms. When I die, that's how I'm going to go, but suicide isn't for people like you. It's for those like me.” Dazai breathed slowly, his bandaged hand rubbing Atsushi's back. “Now,” He gently pulled Atsushi away from him just enough to look at him properly. “Atsushi-kun, I want you to promise- no to swear that you will never speak about killing yourself again, I don't want you to even think about it.”
Atsushi's mouth was dry and his face was hot, he gave a small nod. “I-I swear.”
The smallest of smiles pulled at Dazai's lips, he pulled Atsushi back into a hug and held him close. “You're too good for this world, Atsushi-kun, I want you to remember that. That you're too good and you wouldn't be able to hurt someone who didn't deserve it if you tried.”
The vat of shame in Atsushi's chest was emptying, leaking, with each second in Dazai's arms and each breath he took, Atsushi was slowly going back to feeling normal. His mind felt like an overflowing tub, too full, too full of thoughts and words he wanted to say. None of those words came out and none of those thoughts seemed to stick though, because all Atsushi could manage to say was, “Thank you for loving me, Dazai. I hope I never make you feel like this again.”
“Atsushi-kun,” Dazai muttered, pulling away a bit. “It's a pleasure loving you,” He placed a quick kiss on his forehead and then another on his nose. “And I hope that you never feel like you have to worry about something that will never happen.” He then pressed a slow kiss to Atsushi's lips.
