#mod elly

It is not weird at all. It's absolutely normal and it simply means that your brain is trying to heal. As we go through traumatic experiences, our brain will try to protect us, so it will lock up or store some of our emotions and memories, then release them when we are in a safe place. When we start thinking about our trauma a lot, and get overwhelmed by our own memories and repressed emotions of sadness or rage, it is because our mind believes we are able to handle it now and wants us to start processing.

The best way to deal with it is by allowing yourself to feel these emotions. If you block them up, they will eventually surface again. If you accept them and embrace it, you will be able to move on from the pain.

It is okay to feel sad for what happened to you, for the fact that people have hurt you or failed to protect you. Cry if you have to, talk to someone you trust about your feelings, let it all out. And, eventually, it will stop hurting as much. I know it's a long and hard process, but you will get through it, I promise.

I'll be here for you if you need to talk. Feel free to contact us whenever you want. If you need to talk privately, I can give you my personal blog as well and we can chat. You're not alone through this.

I think I’m looking for reassurance.

I’m pretty sure I live in an abusive household but lately I’ve been doubting myself. My mother has been beating me and verbally abusing me since I was a kid. She’s told me horrible things about myself my entire life. Shes said that she doesn’t like me, she wouldn’t care if I died, I’m selfish, I’m difficult, I’m horrible to be around, no one wants to be around me, I’ll always be alone, stupid, lazy, etc. Ive been beaten for little things like dropping plates or getting Bs or Cs on tests. I was never allowed to express myself or I’d get told to shut up and that it doesn’t matter what I want, I just have to do what I’m told. I wasn’t allowed to get cry or get upset whenever she was mean because she’d just hit me harder or yell more. She’s also really manipulative and uses things/people that I care about to get me to do what she wants and gets really angry when I’m not doing what she wants. Like she’ll cry or yell or be more affectionate to my siblings and ignore me. Or she’ll threaten something bad happening to my siblings or try to make me feel bad.

I’m confused because she says that she does so much for me and she’s sacrificed so much but she kinda….doesn’t. I’ve been doing everything by myself since I was 12. I do all the laundry (washing, drying, folding), clean the entire house, take care of my siblings (food, homework, medicine, etc), and do everything else for myself. And I’m expected to keep my grades up and have extracurricular activities. But she always says that I shouldn’t be tired and that I’m never doing anything. She always gets angry when the house isn’t clean even though she doesn’t work for half the week. She doesn’t cook, my grandmother does. She drives me to and from school/extracurriculars though.

Now she says I’m allowed to express myself but anytime I do, she yells at me. Anytime I get upset at her she tells me that she’s sacrificed so much for me and that she does so much for me and that I’m ungrateful and selfish. I’m nervous that maybe I’m the crazy one because she and my family act like I’m the bad one. She says that I’m an ungrateful child and I just keep making her sad and hurting her feelings. I know I can be rude/mean sometimes and that I can be hard to deal with but this makes me very sad.

I just don’t know what to do because I’m seeing one thing and being told something else. On top of that, I’m completely alone. I literally have no one.

-Ari

Hi, Ari. You are not the bad one here, trust me. I am so sorry all of that is happening to you. Your mother is extremely abusive to you and it is not your fault.

Abusers often play the victim in order to manipulate us and stop us from criticizing them and their abuse. She is actively trying to brainwash you by making you feel like you are the problem and that you deserve the horrible things she does to you. It is all an act. I know its hard, but try not to let yourself fall for it.

You do way more than a child should, by what you said in your message. You take care of the house and your siblings on top of going to school and after school activities. That is way too much to put on a child, and the fact that your mother doesn't acknowledge that and instead tries to discredit you by saying you don't do anything is horrible.

You are a strong person and you deserve to be loved, protected and appreciated. You are not mean for telling her what you feel, you are not hard to deal with just because you try to express yourself. Do not let anyone devalue you like that.

I assure you that nothing that is happening to you is your fault at all and I wish you will be able to get out of that situation as fast as possible and that you will come to see how wonderful you really are. Stay strong.

You are not a masochist and there is no one who deserves to be abused or who is made normal by abuse. You just got very used to it, and you might now register it as the only "normal". I am very sorry this happened to you, because it takes a lot of emotional and mental abuse to convince someone they genuienly need it.

When we are being abused, our brain and entire body is in full survival instinct mode. We try everything we can to stay alive, and that brings us a lot of adrenaline, which could be why you recall that period of your life as you being "more alive". Now that you are in a safe place, you can finally rest and process what you've been through, which can make you feel all the emotions you've been repressing for years all at once.

Pondering on our abuse and how badly we've been hurt can be a very lonely and disconcentrating experience. What you feel might be the loss of your childhood, the realization that you've been betrayed by the people who were supposed to protect you, the sadness over the happy life you deserve and should have had but didn't get. All these things are normal and they sometimes manifest as a powerful emptiness and deep depression like what you are describing.

I suggest surrounding yourself with positive things, doing whatever activities that you enjoy, listening to music you like, going on long walks, maybe. Allow yourself to be free and allow yourself to enjoy it. You do not deserve abuse. You are not a waste of space. You are a great person and you deserve nothing but happiness and love.

Please stay safe and know that you are not alone.

I'm 20 years old and have a lot of mental health issues. Recently it's gotten to a point where I can't work. I have never had an issue with work before so idrk where to go from here? I considered disability but idk how that'll work out since I've worked for 4 years with little problems before. I also need money for medication and therapy, as well as bills and rent of course. I feel so hopeless rn. I guess I need some advice too. I just don't really understand why all of the sudden its an issue especially now that I am finally in a safe environment with safe people I would think work would be easier? I just feel so lost.

Tysm!

Hi, Anon. I am so sorry this is happening to you, it sounds like you are dealing with a lot. Being in a safe enviornmemt doesn't always make things better. I know it should and you would expect that, but that is actually when your brain starts processing things that have happened to you, and that can lead to your mental state seemingly getting worse.

Also, if you are used to being in an unsafe environment, your brain might not register you as being safe even if you are. That often happens as well and it is absolutely normal. If we are too used to being mistreated, our brain will remain in alert mode even after we get away from the abuse, because it doesn't want us to get hurt again, and convincing it that we are indeed safe and it can calm down can be very difficult. If it's getting so bad that you can't bring yourself to work anymore or live a normal life, you need medical help. And I don't necessarily mean medicine, but therapy.

Your mind is trying to make sense of a lot of things that it could not focus on before, and I know how exhausting and disarming that can be because I both studied it and lived through it myself. If going to a therapist is in any way possible for you, I highly encourage you to do that. It will make things easier.

If that is not something you can or are willing to do right now, I would suggest starting a journal and writing down your thoughts and emotions, which can be very therapeutic, or talking to someone you trust, like a very close friend, that you can open up with. You need to let out all the things you're feeling and experiencing somehow, otherwise they will keep running around in your brain, which is what is making you feel this way.

I wish you all the best regardless of what you choose to do, and I will be here for you if there's anything else you need help with. Stay strong.

this might seem kinda weird, but is it possible to be worse at things after trauma? and yeah that sounds odd, i know. it's just, i was smart as a kid, like, gifted - advanced courses or whatever - and the more i fell into mental illness and trauma, the worse at school i seemed to get. i know grades aren't the measurement of intelligence, dont get me wrong. it's more like, no matter how hard i try, i have a worse memory, i get distracted, had psychs tell me i might have problems with executive function.

maybe thats a better way to phrase it - can trauma effect things like executive function? and how tf are you supposed to improve your memory and stuff if thats the case?

Hi, Anon. Trauma does change your brain a lot and the way your brain functions. Most children who are abused start failing academically, which is why a sudden drop in school performance from kids who used to do very well is seen as a red flag for teachers that something bad might be happening to that child.

When we go through abuse and traumatic experiences, our brains tend to shut everything else down and focus only on how to help us survive and get through whatever is happening to us. We become constantly on edge and trying to predict our abuser's next move, trying to plan things to do so that we won't get hurt, how we can escape the danger, how we can survive. All of this leaves no space in our brain for anything, not even things we once used to enjoy, like studying or hobbies.

Abuse also deminishes our self-esteem and motivation, which makes some people believe they can't actually do certain things or that they are not good enough at those things or that it simply won't do them any good or bring them anywhere. This has led many people to executive dysfunction and depression.

Studies have shown that there are multiple parts of a human's brain that are affected when they go through trauma. It doesn't just affect our thought process, there are actual changes in the chemestry of our brains. This is why when we go through abuse, we feel like we are so different than we were before it happened.

The only way to improve this is through therapy with a professional. Once you are out of the abusive enviornmemt and you find safety, you can start working on your recovery. It is a slow and difficult process though, but it can be done.

I hope this has been of some help to you, Anon. Please feel free to reach out if there's anything else you need. Stay safe.

Hey, Anon. First of all, I just want to say I am so sorry this happened to you. It sounds terrible and no one should go through that. But you are a normal person! What you're experiencing is actually perfectly natural and very valid.

When we go through horrible things, our brains try to make sense of it, so that we can heal and move on. Becoming obsessed with the traumatic event is not at all strange. It was just your mind trying its hardest to help you.

The sexual fantasies are your brain trying to make you relieve the traumatic event in a different way, one that you find safer and more under your control, so that you can process it. This happens to a lot of people.

I went through this as well when I was dealing with my own sexual abuse trauma and I know it can be very hard and it makes you feel really bad about yourself, but trust me, this is not your fault at all and it does not make you weird. You are not broken, your brain is not hijacked. You are just in recovery and this is sadly a part of it. But you can rise above it, I assure you.

That being said, if this is affecting you so much that you feel like you can no longer have a normal life, I suggest talking to a professional therapist about it, if that is possible for you. They can walk this road with you and bring you to the other side.

If there is anything else you're struggling with, feel free to reach out to us again at any time. We are here for you and we will do our best to help you as much as we can. You are not alone.

So i guess this is for reassurance, maybe advice but I'm not interested in confronting the other person about this. So basically a while ago i told two people (for the first time) the childhood sexual trauma that happened to me. One person was asking me questions about it, which I told them it was ok to do, and basically they had asked a question and i answered, but they responded to that by laughing and saying "that's literally a Freudian slip". It made me really uncomfortable because i wanted comfort from them since my trauma was incest rape and I was talking about intrusive thoughts relating to sex with family members and it seemed like they were insinuating that i actually did want to do that (sorry if it's weird wording). But i had also asked them if it was ok for me to call myself a survivor (they had been through a lot of childhood sexual trauma as well, more than i had) and they responded by saying "only if it still affects you". It's very difficult for me to feel like a "real" survivor because i question how much it's still affecting me and also incest rape is usually really shameful and people who go through it end up being treated like they're into it now. But it's those two comments that I can't shake off, especially since they're from someone who was "more" of a survivor than me.

-🐛

Hi, Anon. First and foremost, I just want to say that your trauma is absolutely valid and there is no one who is "more of a survivor" than you. We are all survivors. Everyone who has been through trauma and abuse and made it out alive is a survivor. This is not a competition and you should never feel like your pain is less important than someone else's just because they've been through more of it or something that could be considered worse.

Also, we all react to trauma different. Just because it is not debilitating or you don't have what some consider to be "the classical symptoms", that does not mean it does not affect you or that it didn't mark your life. If it still upsets you and you still think about it and it still hurts, then it is affecting you.

You do not need to fit a certain box or mold in order to deserve to be taken seriously or for your abuse to be seen as 'real abuse'. All abuse is real and tragic and horrible and no one should go through it and no one who was abused had it any easier than someone else who was abused.

You are a real survivor. Your trauma is valid and your pain is important. You don't have to be ashamed by what happened, since it was not your fault, but you have all the right to demand to be taken seriously.

Stay safe and stay strong out there.

Mark

Hello, Mark. Your message made me so happy! You don't have to thank me, I am just super glad that I was able to help you and that my advice had such a possitive impact on you. I am very proud of you and I hope you are proud of yourself too, cause standing up to your father is something you did on your own and you get all the credit for that. Thank you for the update and I wish you all the best in life. Be safe out there.