LONDON AWARDS 2022 OPENING REMARKS

ALEXIS Good evening, residents of London and welcome to the 2nd annual London Awards! How lucky we are to have a second one when Annual is in the name, but we’ll see tonight if we’re as fortunate to get a third after what we have in store for the evening. 

LEYLA As it is, we must all have heard the rumours that the guests of this glorious night have some very dirty secrets that usually get aired on a night like this. Unfortunately, they left it on us to hang the laundry - so it will either be a fortune or perhaps misfortune for some of you.

But don’t worry, at least there are no musicals planned for tonight. - You won’t see her [points at Alexis] busting a move.

ALEXIS Nor her [leans head to Leyla] carry a tune.

I’m Alexis Larsson and I’ll be one of your hosts this evening. Some of you may know me as The Help, courtesy of The Westminster Insider. Though more recently, after people learn who I’m dating, I’m more fondly called Are you sure? 

LEYLA And I am Leyla Yilmaz, unlike my beautiful co-host ‘are-you-sure’, I am someone you don’t know. Unless, of course, I have delivered your baby - in which case I have seen a hell lot more of you than you have seen of me. Don’t be shy, you are all beautiful. The men are okay. From now on, this evening, you can simply refer to me as the ‘charity case’ - pleasure, I’m sure.

ALEXIS Of course, we would be remiss not to thank Spencer Berkeley for sponsoring our garments this evening. Just the garments, nothing else. But sincerely, for all his nominations for having a big ego, being a sass queen, being a problematic fave—all deserved, of course—he is truly, genuinely, honestly, no bias on my part at all, a generous person. 

LEYLA Sure, ‘Help’. No bias at all. As for me, not being in love with our sponsor and all, I would like to thank him for allowing me to look the part. [picks up Spencers faces on a stick, giving one to Alexis, which has #VoteBerkeley written on the bottom] For the record, this part is totally unsponsored and we are definitely not held at gunpoint for this. Thank you, we appreciate it. VOTEBERKELEY2022!! [says last part super quick in a small shout]

ALEXIS Politics aside, we have gathered some very illustrious names from all over London and beyond tonight. We have present the complete range of Rutherford siblings, who are all nominated this evening including Ms. Yvonne Rutherford, who is up for Lost Cause, much like her endeavours to live up to her family name…or Loving Heart, Strong Start.

We are also graced by the elusive Gideon Rutherford who is nominated for 5 awards, including Most Handsome Man of the Year. A surprise since his work requires half of his face to be covered for most of it, but I guess whatever makes the heart grow fonder. Remember ladies, he is very eligible if you can get over the long hours, rough exterior and the fact that his best friend is Spencer Berkeley and his sister is  Lara Rutherford. Gideon is also up for Man of the Year, an award which his brother Damon won last year and was not nominated for this year.

Nevertheless, Damon still nabbed himself 6 nominations–a great feat especially since he took a page off Gideon’s books and decided to hide from the spotlight for most of last year. And now we know why of course. We’ve seen the posts, Damon. Associating yourself with such people, really? Bankers? How very dare you. Biggest trainwreck if I’ve ever seen one, and I’ve met Yvonne.

LEYLA So have I. Say hi to Maddie for me!

ALEXIS Lest we forget, honorary Rutherford Adriana Amaro also has 6 nominations, which goes to show that sleeping with half the men in London does make you really popular. Not shaming her of course, it does take talent to keep men interested for an extended period of time and get their money. You are many an investor’s wet dream, and I’m not certain if it’s because they want to be with you, work with you, or be you.

Last but not least, Lara Rutherford, who has a record breaking 13 nominations. Thirteen! Amazing…until you realise all the categories she’s nominated in, then you wonder whether we love her or just love to hate her. You can’t deny, however, the power she yields to unify London, so I’m lowkey placing my bets on her to take Future Ruler of London…and also Biggest Villain.

LEYLA:  Wait, are there only 5 of them?

ALEXIS:  Unless you want to run for most likely to be assassinated.

ALEXIS Another person of note who has swept the nominations this year is Konstantin Vorshevsky with 9 nominations…

LEYLA [interrupts Alexis] Oh God, Alexis - f-... You heard the stories, right? I mean… Everyone didn’t hear them…

ALEXIS Now Leyla, we mustn’t get ahead of ourselves with hearsa–oh shit, where’s his drink?

LEYLA Did you not get him a drink?

ALEXIS I thought you were supposed to get it.

LEYLA [looks at Konstantin] Is this it? Is this how we die? Is this our last goodbye?

ALEXIS It’s your fault…Look at him smiling as if he doesn’t have our lives in his hand…

LEYLA [nervously] Hello Mr Vorshevsky, can you just… Give us an hour tops? 

ALEXIS Just let us finish the awards, please!

[a moment of silence]

LEYLA  Love you, Help. It’s been nice knowing you.

ALEXIS I love you too, Charity Case.

[listen to their earpieces]

LEYLA Wait, we have word!

ALEXIS Our producers has just informed us that we're allowed to continue. Thank you, Mr. Vorshevsky!

LEYLA We will do our best. [both shake in pretend fear]

ALEXIS We’ll try to keep it positive with your family, many of whom are also nominated tonight.

LEYLA Viktoriya Kurylenko, for the second year in a row, is nominated for Woman of the Year… Surely it means she is doing something right? Though, I must only assume that being a villain who is on the most wanted list, she’d made a couple of enemies along the way. I’m sure it’s not a big deal. Carrying the Kurylenko name should have at least bought you a few good votes. [looks at Alexis] What? Isn’t it how they do things in Russia? I mean, they do try that every year in Turkey… 

[Looks at card] Can’t say that… [Looks at Alexis card] You can’t say that either…

So we talked of the cousin but I cannot forget the wife… Beautiful, charming, filled with elegance and poise… [looks at Lyudmila] You’re perfect, you’re beautiful, you look like Linda Evangelista, you’re a lawyer! Everything about you is perfect! Did you win that human right case in Prague? Oh, you’re smiling! They eat her up EVERY SINGLE TIME she’s on that damned courtroom! She could walk out there in a bloody diaper and they’d be like, “Lyudmila! Your argument is beautiful!” That was the image London held of Lyudmila Korshunova… They say first impressions are never wrong but… Problematic fave? A drug addict? Most likely to backstab a friend? Honestly, perhaps you shouldn’t be here at the awards but… [Take out a business card and passes it to one of the servers] This is a rehab clinic, they’re really nice. Just ignore the straight jackets, okay?

[Looks at card] Can’t say that again… 

This year we also have a blossoming romance of two men, who apparently refuse to acknowledge their affections for one another. We tried to interview them but we were told we were lucky to not have. Anatoly Veselov & Aviv Kasyanenko - now that’s a duo straight from a horror movie. Just straight up…[looks at her card] nope…no I can’t say that…what in the world…who bloody wrote this… Anyway, you get the idea. 

Mr Kasyanenko is also nominated for Most handsome and Biggest Psycho. An odd combo because it’s almost a promise that you may lose a finger, but I guess some people are into that kind of… Kink. [‘accidentally’ waves to the French tables]

On another note, a business woman [shows the card to the room] No, it really says that… Alexis - Do you know what’s the business?

ALEXIS I just know she’s a working girl.[smiles innocently]

LEYLA Zhanna Medvedeva, a woman surrounded by men and women, nominated for both being beautiful and a maneater… If there should have ever been a warning to stay away, I think this is it. Hide your men, ladies - because they might not come back. 

ALEXIS Let’s move on.

LEYLA Also popular this year with many bets going in their favour are London’s French residents.

ALEXIS It would be a nice change, after all the wars they have lost, for them to hopefully get a win tonight.

LEYLA Ah, yes. Some nominations are to be proud of, while some are… Well, something that you’d have to explain to your mothers. I can see clearly that the favourite is Varden Lefebvre, a man who looks like could be an underwear model, but is preaching the nominations such as ‘Future Ruler of London’, ‘Most Successful Man’ and ‘Most Respected’. Seems suss. 

ALEXIS You haven’t seen him in underwear.

LEYLA Have you??

ALEXIS You haven’t?

LEYLA …Maybe keep that image to yourself… Others might get jealous and think dangerous things… Speaking of dangerous…Delphine St Clair is nominated for  ‘Most Respected’ and also ‘Most intimidating.’ I thought we had that kind of combination reserved only for the Russians? “To know your enemy, you must become your enemy” - Apparently Miss St Clair took that a little too literally. 

Still, the best couple nominee managed to bag very prestigious nominations…but we can’t exactly say the same for some of their colleagues. Both Olivier Fontaine and Théodore Chaussard were nominated for Biggest Dumbass, Lost Cause, and Biggest Simp. I don’t know about you but they would have made an excellent choice for Best Bromance or Most Ideal Fight Club Match. Anyway, someone should give them a reality show on the telly ASAP.

There’s also a person with some nominations by the name of Laurent St Pierre. An apparently egoistic womaniser who has a drug problem. That’s all. Nothing else worth mentioning. [throws away a card behind her] 

ALEXIS He sounds like your type.

LEYLA Have you seen your boyfriend’s nominations?

ALEXIS Is this why we’re friends?

LEYLA That’s exactly why my other friends work at the hospital.

—- ANYWAY we also have a new set this year who joined our ranks, the Italians who seem to be a minority. Apologies, you shall simply remain the New Kids on the Block this year. But then again, the Hathaway clan is also a minority, yet they seemed to have done a better job than this lot. And they say the awards are rigged. Nah, you just didn’t win at being popular.

ALEXIS I don’t think I’ve ever heard anyone call the Hathaways a minority in any context, but I’m sure Twitter will be relentless in letting us know.

The Hathaways did have a spectacular showing this year. Cecelia Hathaway most of all, being nominated for Most Respected, Most Successful Woman and Woman of the Year. You must truly be a delight and an inspiration to be around for a bunch of Brits to overlook the fact you are American.

Speaking of spectacular showings, Edward Hathaway is here. I know, he showed up and it’s very spectacular. Here we thought you’ve sauntered off again to Provence or Portugal, managed to conceive a love child you’ll only learn about when the mum demands child support and–oh, I’m sorry, I’m thinking about your brother Elliot. 

Nora Berkeley. You look beautiful, absolutely stunning. Yet despite these facts–and they are, no need to be humble–Nora is more known for her humour and her heart. It is because of this that I can never find it in my heart to hold against you how you stole my spot in Best Hoemance with Leyla. But just remember, she’s up here with me.

LEYLA Alexis, we’ve talked about this.

ALEXIS My apologies.

LEYLA Anyway, just going to throw this out there - Nora [sings] never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna… [stops] 

ALEXIS [elbows Leyla’s arm] You promised no music numbers.

LEYLA [winces and grunts like a 5 year old at Alexis] You get the idea. We both bagged a Berkeley after all.  

ALEXIS All big names, all big names, but one of the wonders of the awards being based on popular vote is that just about anyone, regardless of name or stature, can get nominated. My co-host Leyla  is a fine example, nominated for Most Beautiful Woman and Biggest Heart, and is half of a Hoemance, Male/Female Friendship and Should-be Couple. How mightily convenient she’s up here with me then, isn’t she? 

LEYLA Or should we talk about your success story??? Ladies and Gentleman, the woman before me has a true awards love story. Just last year, Alexis Larsson and Spencer Berkeley were nominated as should-be couple. This year? The very best couple. Now, isn’t this the love story we all thrive for? [looks at Alexis lovingly] You are the love story for all the Wattpad fanfic lovers out there. 

ALEXIS I didn’t know you read…anyway. Since this is the first time we are hosting, I think you will forgive us for mentioning that little bit of gossip. 

LEYLA We’ve secretly watched Bridgerton, too, you know.

ALEXIS [looks at Leyla affectionately] You are the bane of my existence.

LEYLA [looks at Alexis affectionately] and the object of my desires.

ALEXIS Since the topic of love was thrown by my dear co-host… This year we have had a groundbreaking event of a breakup. Jessica Reyes stood strong and tall as we all watched the union of two break… Which makes me wonder why on earth is London so cruel  to nominate her and Johnathan Parsons as a perfect fight match up? Have you not had enough?

LEYLA Obviously not. Look at them [gestures at the audience] being the thirsty beasts, just waiting for the next slipup. Do you think they care that Jessica also was nominated as a train wreck and then someone to backstab a friend? All the while being besties with Melissa Lin? NO… They just want to see the fight go down.

ALEXIS Contact your local bookie, let’s make it happen.

LEYLA As you all can see, we have a fairly busy night ahead, so let’s get these awards awarded so I could go take my scheduled pee break.

ALEXIS Drinks are on the house, you’re gonna need them. Don’t slap your hostesses. Have a good night!

Sipping on some water, Aria had found a spot that let her watch everyone come in from the red carpet. People watching was a lot less intimidating than being in front of the cameras and she had been enjoying watching all of the outfits come in, especially since Frankie was off talking to some of the fellow Sovrani - for business or pleasure she wasn’t going to ask. “Everyone looks so amazing,” Aria smiled as someone walked towards her, “Which if you want to people watch, I think this is the best spot. Far enough away that you’re not in the way, but still get a full view of everyone coming in. You can feel free to join me if you’d like.”