#mlemel

First of all, I absolutely Loved the imagery in your fic, something about the way you write really brings the scene alive in my head, notably, the pedestrian bridge waterfall scene and the parking lot meeting scene. They are both So hauntingly romantic and gorgeous!

In addition, I am truly astounded by your skill in writing the most beautiful poems, and you did so while also capturing Dean's voice. The first poem was so impressive that both my first and second time reading, I just stopped and marveled at it. The retelling of Dean's conversation with Death in s5e21 in poem form, starting with the homage to Karen's poem (Death Be Not Proud), her apple pie, Mary, and etc. It's just so mind blowing, I was left—and still am—speechless. Not to mention the dialogue in your work, it flows so naturally between characters and you capture each character's essence and dynamics just so perfectly. I absolutely adored the dialogue of the first lecture, I really felt just like Dean in that chapter—stunned by the cosmic weight of poetry. It felt as if I was really being lectured by Cas and it made me stop (again) and wonder in awe at how you managed to craft such an impactful lesson and then flawlessly execute it in Cas' voice. Particularly, the reference that you made to s6e20, "of the fish wriggling onto the sand" was so effective in bringing Castiel's voice into my head. Similarly, the references to canon in the last chapter: the confession that Cas made at Dean's birthday party of Jack Allen teaching him free will, or the confession of Dean being Jack Allen and saying he wasn't a role model from the dialogue in s10e10, were so brilliant. There were so many more references that I think I caught and each one is so seamlessly embedded into your writing that it made me want to print out and lovingly annotate each chapter (like Cas' copy of The Road So Far).

Also, each scene that you depicted was so beautifully crafted and cohesive. They were all so meaningful and I'm in love with the way you paced the story, the flashback to Dean and Charlie meeting in Missouri's summer class had to be one of my favorite parts. (top 3) My favorite scene though, or rather chapter, has to be John Winchester's Waltz. This chapter genuinely spoke straight to my soul. One of my favorite aspects of Dean is his relationship with his father and I don't always see that being explored in the way I want. I feel like most of the time, John gets heavily antagonized by the fandom—not to say he doesn't deserve it—but it's also Complicated. You managed to capture all the guilt, anger, frustration, grief, and love so perfectly in the most heartbreaking way and I could see so much of myself in Dean in this chapter that it Hurt. I can't even begin to explain it, all I can say is: Thank you for writing Dean exactly how I always wanted to see him in my head. I feel like I'm constantly searching for depictions of Dean in fan content that match up to my understanding of his character, and since everyone has their own perception of a character, it can be hard to find the one that aligns with the one I have. But your writing fulfilled my vision and I cried, then stood up and applauded.

Finally, I'm not big on academic literature so I was constantly searching up all the poets, books, essays, and vocabulary that you used and I felt like I could feel the thought you put in to every literary work you mentioned. They were all so well chosen and I truly enjoyed the journey of learning about classic literature that I would've never engaged with if I wasn't reading, of all things, supernatural fanfiction. I just felt so moved by them because it felt like they fit so perfectly to Dean's character and the whole time I was reading I was wondering if you sought out pieces that fit into your story, or if you read those works and couldn't help but think of Dean?

All this to say, I felt like I could really see the love and effort behind every bit of your work, the premise is incredibly unique, fitting perfectly to express not only the love story between Dean and Cas but also capturing Dean's character in the most exceptional way. After my first time reading this, I immediately went to your page and read the rest of your supernatural works but this one will always have a special place in my heart as my #1 comfort fic of all time. Thank you so much for writing. (and for reading my rambling) You have a 'permanent little spot' in my heart forever.

My friend, there is absolutely nothing to apologize for in leaving this ask. In fact, it is to be CELEBRATED! What KINDNESS! What JOY! I've read this a few times since you sent it, and I'm still at a loss as to how to respond. But I simply cannot leave it without response, so I will try.

Thank you for your kind words about the imagery. The best part about writing is spinning a story into existence, something from inside you now shining on the outside, and that you could see it so clearly and find it beautiful is every bit as miraculous.

Thank you for your kind words about the poetry. I heard Dean's voice while writing it; that you could also hear his voice while reading is success beyond measure.

Thank you for your kind words about the dialogue. Similar to the poetry, I'm the type of writer who writes what she hears, struggling to interpret pure thought onto paper. That you felt I'd "capture[d] each character's essence and dynamics" is like I'd hit a home run every scene, with each new entrance.

Thank you for your kind words about the canon references and allusions. There are so very many, and I rarely hear back about the majority of them. Some I deliberately planted, and others blossomed organically as the story grew. To have you standing with me in the garden and pointing out your favorite flowers is such a bright, shared joy.

Thank you for your kind words about your favorite scenes, and especially how Dean's relationship to his father is depicted. Though I'm sure our experiences and circumstances in the particulars are very different, the fact this depiction speaks to you as deeply as it does says to me that you have felt more pain and grief in your own parental relationships than you ever should have had to. I am sorry for that, but glad we can be together as you read the story, and also right now as I answer your ask (and later, as you read this answer). We're not alone, and this proves it so. We understand each other. And that's the sort of beauty that is not caused by such complicated love and grief, but the sort we can still find thriving and strong despite it. Your ovation is humbly accepted, but please accept mine in turn. Look around at how far you've come in this life! Look, too, at the wonder and meaning we can find in storytelling, especially telling stories about the Dean that you and I see. A modern mythology. A new god or saint, patron of wayward souls and exquisite pain and deep, endless love. I hope those of us who know him tell our stories again and again and again and again and again, from now through the rest of human memory.

Thank you for your kind words about the references and allusions to more established literature. I am so glad that you embarked on the journey--and in fact enjoyed the journey--of getting to know new writers and works. You asked: I was wondering if you sought out pieces that fit into your story, or if you read those works and couldn't help but think of Dean? But I'm not sure it's one or the other. The show, of course, was greatly influenced in its creation by the Beats, especially On the Road, so they were always going to have a big part to play. Others came up because they already lived in my head and jumped out from my pen as it flowed; others because as I was writing I was reading anthologies like mad, discovering those like Noguchi along with the characters. The title itself comes from a poetry collection I'd owned for many years prior. The story was mostly written and I still hadn't settled on anything. I was sitting in front of my bookcase, staring at all my poetry, when my eyes snagged on Duffy's Rapture. The title of course in reference to love, but with Castiel on the brain who wouldn't also think of angels? And I remembered so enjoying it when I'd first bought it, very young and without inkling of what it would become to me later in life, back when it was first released. So right then and there sitting on the floor I started to read it and when I got to "If I Was Dead" I knew. I kept going and finished my reread and went about my life for days because my brain wasn't sure, but I knew. The story had claimed its name and there was nothing I could do about it.

Thank you for all of your kind words, and concluding them with a small reference to my own writing. That a phrase like that could live inside you the way the quotes of other writers live inside me is strange and amazing and I wish I could clasp your hand between my own, so that you could physically feel the weight of my gratitude. This ask is such a gift.