#mjsstudies

It’s 10:07 p.m. currently as I write this.

Days have been up and down lately. After my exam, I felt an intense sense of confusion and exhaustion. I was sick for a while, and I’m only just recovering now. Locked in my apartment, curled up in my blanket, scrolling Tumblr and Substack — this has become my new normal. A quiet contrast to studying myself to oblivion.

I call my family and message friends for some semblance of meaningful connection, so I’m not totally alone. It’s nice. Since my break-up last year, I’m realizing that relationships with the right people are what I actually need for a pick-me-up. None of that consumerism bullshit.

These apps have consumed most of my precious and very expensive time. I literally can earn more money in my life but I cannot, for the love of all things, turn back time. I cannot turn back the 3 hours I spent watching Youtube shorts because something made me upset that day. I treat these apps like a steel shield, when really they are just band-aids that will fall off later when I continue onto my chaotic life.

Waking up to cold but sunny mornings. Doing my lab prep while listening to subtle piano music in the background. Soaking in the sun during study breaks. Sweet fruity tea. Soft cushion of reading chair. Coffee shops selling flowery sweet, brightly colored drinks.

So far — life has been deliciously entertaining and undeniably unsteady.

Sleep comes and goes on its own terms. Even when the bed is warm and the night light is dimmed just right, it just won’t arrive.