#missingnora

I want to completely open up as to how and why I feel the way I do so I can simply get this off me and expose whatever Demons I’ve encountered and been harboring lately. I’m hurt and I’m over being hurt but I’m still boiling inside and it’s still painful. I know that when it comes to my Children I’m over protective and there’s literally nothing I wouldn’t do even outside of my religious beliefs. I’ve traveled I’ve inquired I’ve inquired and I’ve traveled all in the name of my baby Nora.

I’m tired, not of fighting for her not of the search or the travel but the damage this is doing to my mental to come back without my child. To not have a clue as to what she’s doing her health where she sleeps how she sleeps if she’s eating right her teeth her skin her hair. Is everything I’ve taught her gone out the window? Does she think I left her? The fact that she has to settle when she cries for me. One of the biggest things that hurts is her sister my oldest misses her dearly she acts everyday as if Nora is coming later or the next day as she should but I know she feels it. I try to hide my feelings around her especially trying to not cry around her and being down around her. I miss kissing my baby I miss sleeping with her and her making me laugh every single day. I miss how affectionate she was her kisses her little big personality. It’s all just in memory now. I focus on making sure this doesn’t happen again that’s when I can focus. He calls this a game. He’s not thinking about her but acting in spite of me. I know in the end it will benefit me in the end but the end is not close enough. The best interest of my child is not in his heart at all at this point. She was nursed until the day she left. She’s 1 and my oldest is 4. In all honesty I don’t care if he has a girl or has been living with a girl or have been playing house I care that he’s letting the image of having a little family overrule everything/everyone else. That nothing else matters. When she matters. I think back to when right after Katrina when my mom refused to go back home when everyone was back and years passed. I would say I was “displaced” when I described how I felt or my time there until I left. Though, my baby is definitely displaced. This forced not only on me but on to her as well. You don’t force a separation of a child a 1 yr old a little girl and her mother. This just seem so dark to me even though some people use their children all the time in this manor I just don’t get why this is happening to me even after this I still feel like she should know her father. For YU to say out your mouth that I nor my family can see her cuts even deeper. I have to let the anger go tho it’s physically making me ill. I have to get this off my mind because it’s heavy on my mental. Eating doesn’t come easy anymore sleeping comes when it comes but waking up is dreadful. I get mad at myself for the little faith I’m showing I feel guilty eating and sleeping because I don’t know if she’s being fed properly or if she’s sleeping good without me. I KNOW SHES CRYING IN HER SLEEP.