So, I was asked not long ago who I mean by hb and bf. Basically, husband and boyfriend - polyamory. I live with my husband and have a boyfriend who lives elsewhere. Everyone is aware of the situation, they also can date other people, etc.
My instinct is to point out that I'm a bad example of polyamory because my relationship with hb isn't really a relationship anymore. I live with him, we're married, but I've been so alone through this pandemic that I've fallen back into bad drinking habits and then had an ED relapse. We have separate bedrooms (which is the case because I always want my own space, that's nothing to do with the state of the relationship) and he's been hiding in his room most of 2020. When he finally came out a bit our interactions were so stressful I considered leaving and moving in with my mum. It's not that bad now but I still don't have much contact - it's like having a housemate who I occasionally run into in the kitchen, do admin with, that kind of thing. I'm very touch starved.
Meanwhile, I'm very much infatuated with bf, even nearly 2 years later. Ive barely seen him in a long time due to the pandemic, and we're both quite quiet shy people so I haven't spoken to him as much as I want to either. I used to often drink and that would be my courage to talk to people, but with drinking causing me so many issues I've had to try to avoid that.
It's very easy to look at my situation and say it's not polyamory, I've just fallen out of love with my husband and am using that as an excuse to date someone new. But 1) there was a time when it wasn't like this, and 2) polyamory isn't perfect either, each relationship is individual and one can break down while another is doing well. It's not a sign of polyamory itself being an issue, it's just life.
So you'll often see me talk about hb like a housemate whereas bf is the one I strongly miss. I live with hb and yet we barely see each other, I have such strong feelings for bf and yet I physically cant go to him. I don't think I have the energy to go into the ethics of it all. It's not a good situation and I don't know how to fix it. This is one of the reasons I have an alcohol problem.
