#mini entry

last week, a friend of mine got married. today, i went with him to get his marriage license officiated. both today and last week really made me think about love a bit differently.

my friend is a sweet guy, i’ve known him since high school and seeing the look on his face when he said “I do” to his wife was something i’ll cherish for the rest of my life. seeing the genuine love he has for her, the joy, the comfort, everything, really made me feel like maybe love does deserve another chance in my life, someday.

i hope that one day, i can walk down an aisle and that the person i love the most is waiting at the other end, ready to love me too. i love weddings, they make me happy because i love seeing that happiness in other people. seeing my friend so happy was such a good feeling. he’s one of those people in my life that i know deserves this kind of fortune.

my mom hugs me as she tells me "i need you." and i cry, so much more.

yesterday marked 8 years since my major suicide attempt. i talk about it often and without fear now because i don't think that should ever be stigmatized but it feels a bit surreal to think about sometimes.

this week, especially, is when it hits more since i can remember the whole week, from start to finish now. wild to realize how far i've come along the way.

but it's also just nice to see how much joy i've gotten to have again, how much life i get to live and experience and how much more is waiting for me.

i hugged my mom in the kitchen and told her it's been 8 years now that i'm still alive and she hugged me back, held me the way a mom holds their daughter when they love them so very much. she always tells me to pray but more than anything, she told me, "i need you" and that. that's what gets me. i need her too.

so here's to still being alive. to more experiences. to more laughs, tears, shows, cafes, cities, concerts, and just life. there's so much to live for. there's a reason i'm still here.

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it's so nice to see a community of so many people who are just like me, who understand the struggles of this condition, and who will support each other through our struggles and celebrate our wins, however small.

it was just so nice to be understood, honestly. to be able to say things like "my anxiety Does worsen my picking" or "my mom and family don't fully understand that i can't just stop". just hearing everyone say and agree with all the things i feel already felt so incredibly validating.

every one in our zoom is such a darling and Lauren, our moderator and founder, was so uplifting and helpful. i learned so much more about my dermatillomania in a hour just from the people who have it too.

i'm really excited for the next meeting! and as usual, i definitely recommend derma folks or anyone to check out all the resources on Lauren's awesome non-profit, Picking Me Foundation ❤️

howdy everyone!! it's been a while since i've been here (i'm more active on my main blog again!) but i do have fun news to share here!

for a while, i have been going through what is essentially hell at my current job. it's been bad enough that i had to start therapy again because i have had multiple breakdowns in the span of 14 months. it's been really bad. my therapist told me that i have a toxic work environment and that truthfully, unless i could get another job, i would have to do my best to not let everything get to me.

well, that brings us to today! or rather, tomorrow, actually.

i'm quitting!! i got an offer from the company that a cousin of mine works with that is far better than where i am now and i said yes to them! tomorrow, i'll be handing in my resignation at my current job (my boss was on vacation this week) and in two weeks, i start my new job!

i haven't been so excited in such a long time about job prospects like this but it's new and freeing. it's very different from what i currently do but still, i'm excited to learn! i also think it's hilarious that my job is literally 3 minutes down the street from my partner's house (i timed it). the only downside really is the drive (i live pretty far away) but i can make that sacrifice, it won't kill me. plus, i already know the area and i know where all the boba tea shops are now since my good friend lives in that area too.

i'm just....... happy again. terrified, absolutely, and i was actually crying about it to my partner the other day because i do get scared of change, especially a change this big. of course, it's not a bad thing but sometimes, you get so used to your established routine that the thought of it being changed in any way is just terrifying. i am very much a creature of habit and routine so anything that disrupts that is almost seen like a threat now. it's like when you get used to being in a toxic relationship, you can't think of a future without everything that comes with that. maybe it's a re-revelation that i've been in a toxic environment again for so long that this feels like both relief and fear for something new. i'm definitely going to cry on my first day haha 😅

maybe it’s because i read a wonderful essay on Shinee and the process of grieving yesterday but like “Kind” makes me feel like I can be kinder to myself again in my grief, especially about Jonghyun. it feels like they are learning/have learned to be kinder to themselves too about this and in doing so, both Shinee and Shawols can learn how to heal but also still love our Jonghyun, still remember him.

i dunno but it’s such a beautiful song and it really made my heart feel at ease this morning. i’ll link the essay i read when i find it again but it was so beautiful and just. “Kind” and this essay fit so well in the sequence that i read and heard them and i really love that.