#mindsend

Spent all day cleaning and I’m in no condition to actually find a pack of cards, much less take a picture, but I’d like to acknowledge the day, and My own Asexuality, with a story, making instead of a picture of myself visible, making a secret that I’ve never told ANYONE who knows the other side of it the truth about and have only shared with a few friends (when it came up which was rare).

I spent a lot of my life at first thinking I was just not ‘emotionally ready’ for being romantically interested in boys, and thought that attraction would kick in after a couple years. By Mid highschool though I was starting to realize that it wasn’t going to happen, and my friends were starting to notice and show some concern. So, eventually, I ended up crafting up an imaginary long distance friend who just happened to be a guy named Tony. I gave him backstories, hobbies, friends and family, even made up stories, universes and characters that the ‘two of us Rped” and talked about him often. Slowly crafting the friendship into a long distance romance due to them being all too invested in the bittersweet story of us being so far apart and so close, and pretending that I had fallen just as deeply for him as ‘he’ had for me. Even my parents couldn’t hear enough about Tony...

A good part of my time in high school was living a lie... Just to try and fit in, feel normal, keep everyone from worrying about me. But also in hopes that if I continued faking it eventually I’d become ‘normal’. I mean, they do say ‘Fake it till you make it’, and the idea of actually trying to be romantically or physically involved with anyone REAL, even though it didn’t repulse me, just didn’t feel right and maybe experimenting with concepts in the realm of imagination might help me ‘become accustomed’ to the idea.

All of this, because I had no idea what asexuality was until I was nearly out of college, because of how invisible this sexuality IS. With so Little representation of asexuals as healthy individuals and perfectly normal sexualities, it took trying to find a description for one of my Roleplay characters to finally stumble upon it after years of looking for it before hand.