#mindsarecomplicated

I’m in a different relationship situation than I ever believed I would be in. I’m 21 going on 22 and I’m dating a 26 year-old man. He’s not just 26, he’s also in the midst of a divorce and has two beautiful kids with his ex-wife. We’ve been together for 7 months and practically moved in together(sort of.) He really is something different and not what I’m used to. This isn’t about how much I care for him it’s actually about how I can notice myself get so distracted by the WRONG things. 

I believe my ego is definitely gets in the way of his true sadness. I always feel guilty when I express jealousy over “her.” I’m not quite sure if I’m jealous of her and her looks...or if I’m jealous that she had a part of him I didn’t get to witness myself. I don’t know if I have not a right, but a chance to be upset by this. I don’t really know. I never want to discourage him from talking to me about his kids. The situation is worsened because he doesn’t even get to have any chances of visitation, which breaks my heart 10x’s over for him.

I’m not in the same circumstances and I’m not quite sure if he could even really empathize because men are generally different about their children. They have a pride, because that’s THEIRS. Why wouldn’t you? I would feel that exact same way if I had child, I would feel so much pride to know that baby came from me, but at the same time him. I don’t really think a woman’s perspective no matter how hard we try to empathize will ever give us the full understanding. 

There’s so other personal more emotional issues that give me this sense of insecurity. I think knowing he’s been in love once enough to be married for 5+ years(actually still legally married). I don’t know how I feel about that, I’ve thrown around some ideas of what I feel like, and it’s always the same jealousy that I wasn’t capable of being his FIRST....I’m 21..I’m not talking first sexually, that’s and issue I’m fully capable of accepting. She’s been his first serious relationship, his first marriage, his first-born son was with her, and his first precious daughter was with her. I’m bitter I know, for a lot of reasons. I do get a little sad because if he and I continue on....my first child will be his 3rd....

I’ve tried to explain this to him and he always tells me he’s never felt this way about anyone before. And I’ve had validation from important people in his life that he’s a different person with me, but what that doesn’t change is I’m still his second...His second go at life? Is that unreasonable..Maybe.

I was in a 3 year relationship, with an engagement ring in the picture, but never a dated for certain. I do believe the fact that this guy and I had a friendship more than anything else, before being married was an actual possibility. The actual chance to be married because we could afford the fees...and the fact that moving out would be granted because of his occupation. We didn’t have a huge age gap but we were still two different ages and we were expected to do different things. I think when I was starting to really come to the thought that I could possibly marry this person because the money was finally there and we could actually live together made me fall into this fantasy...

That fantasy quickly and I mean RAPIDLY changed. What I thought was going to be okay changed considerably. He became a complete stranger to me. I wasn’t in love with the person he had become, I was in love with the person...or well his outer shell that he shed. I saw him come into focus, because everything we had ever discussed prior was just a wish and a dream and a future that seemed so straight and narrow, but in all reality was so delusional of us both to think. I love whole-hardheartedly and unconditionally, I gave up because it wasn’t worth losing my worth and value to myself. I let him go, because I knew holding on was hurting me.  So maybe I started a second life too?

I feel like it’s different because we didn’t have shared things really...we just had shared time and memories. But with my boyfriend now, he had shared EVERYTHING he had a LIFE with her and them. I don’t think I separated them enough. Keeping my feelings about HER away from my feelings about THEM. His kids aren’t the issue, I’m not upset that he has two gorgeous kids that he gets starry-eyed about the second he remembers a memory he’s shared with them. I adore that look in his eye and I wish I could share more and give more of those moments to him. I literally love seeing that look and that’s truthfully a feeling and look and sweetness in his heart and brain and soul, he shares with her. She helped and sacrificed herself to give them life, and for that I’m grateful...respectful...I don’t know if grateful is a word I can openly say I feel...I guess I am, and I should be children are a gift no matter who with. 

I know he tells me how much I mean and that he wants a life alongside me and we’ve already been creating a stronger foundation pre-marriage than he’s had. I am a strong support on that, but oddly I also enjoy when people are so smitten and just take the plunge. I secretly want to be that person, but I think that’s a part of my personality because I’ve plunged and I’ve fallen and exploded, I don’t want that again. I don’t know if I have a reason to be insecure, I think a lot of it has to do with allowing my mind to wander, what is his past, is hopefully just that. But when there are children involved does it truly ever really become the past, I don’t want that, I want to keep that door open within us so his kids may always have a place with their father too along the line.