#mindreading

And while i'd love to be admired, I know I tie my self esteem and sense of security to looks too much. Guys have hit on me in the past but I strongly believe that's just due to my body and because I come across as approachable, naive and non - threatening. I want to lose weight solely to make my face look better.

Anyways, I recently entered my first relationship. We study together, same campus, have poured our hearts out to each other over time and he said he does this with me cuz he feels comfortable with me - implication being that out of the only 20 girls on campus, of which half are taken, of the few left he could gel with me. He initiated things but that doesn't make me feel any better - I was just the most decent option out of the few left, virgin guys are overeager in general and will take what they can get as long as it meets a bare minimum appearance standard. I don't even know if this is a proper romantic relationship. It feels like a strange mixture of friendship, habit, physical benefits and a strong mutual yearning for emotional intimacy and companionship.

I understand that I depend so much on quality male admiration and attraction for validation. I feel that if I'm not attractive, I'm missing out on feeling secure in a big beautiful aspect of life. He's a genuinely very good person, smart and patient and caring, respects my boundaries - but then he has strong morals, dislikes hurting people and is a giver in general. But I wonder whether he actually finds me attractive or just sees me as a safe friend + safe and convenient way to explore and satisfy lust. I don't know if he's honest in what he's told me. Back in our friends phase, I told him that I'll never date till I lose weight and that I feel insecure in my appearance - he said there's nothing wrong with my looks, that I just lack confidence. When I said it again while dating - told him maybe he should have better standards for looks - he said that people matter to him not standards. That it's the person one has to like spending time with because looks can fade. But I think all this points to my suspicion that he isn't physically into me. That immature and / or desperate guys will consider any girl with a decent body attractive no matter her face.

I also fear being taken advantage of - what if he doesn't find me attractive or pretty but is with me just because of personal chemistry and because I'm in his comfort zone ? What if he secretly mocks me in his thoughts for falling for him despite being a lower quality 'catch' ? The previous girl he liked, he told me about her and made it clear he considered her pretty. He's insecure in his looks too - though I think he looks quite decent and is even very charming due to his expressions and winning demeanour. He started dating me after recovering from his heartbreak over being rejected by her. What if I'm just a shitty rebound, a cheap balm for him ? My biggest fear in life is trusting someone and being hurt, of believing that I've been deemed worthy but finding out it was a self - serving lie.

I don't know how I can fix this. Perhaps I should broaden my horizons and learn to derive confidence from non - romance things like knowledge, service, capabilities or meaningful experiences. Perhaps I'll never be pretty, perhaps I'm not and was just never meant to be. But I can still have a good life in other ways instead of through a male partner. Perhaps I shouldn't lose and devalue the good in me simply because I'm lacking in this particular sphere.

I tell myself this, sit with my feelings and feel better after some time but this insecurity keeps coming back every few weeks or months. It's a small nagging voice in my head that makes me cautious and reserved in love and in social life. This relationship is the first time I opened myself up enough, felt brave enough and liked enough to step over that voice and forge ahead. But if it turns out he never genuinely wanted me, or his desire was not the kind that gives me validation and was just an emotional need, I wouldn't really feel threatened but it would buttress that nagging voice for later life - that I'm not desirable otherwise but men are just with me due to personality and some charm, and when they find a prettier version of me I'll be discarded.

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What is your type? If you don't provide your type, I can't talk about type development, which is very important for finding the best possible path to change.

In general, I see two main problems that need to be addressed. The first is self-esteem, or more accurately, low self-worth. The second is poor critical thinking skills.

It's important to understand the difference between self-esteem and self-worth. Self-worth is about how you judge your value as a person, in terms of what you believe makes you worthy of acceptance and love. You have tied your value as a human being to your physical appearance, and you have internalized the worst social values out there that crudely rank people according to physical attractiveness.

You also have a problem with your thinking skills. You are exhibiting signs of confirmation bias and motivated reasoning. These are both cognitive distortions that lead to faulty beliefs about the world (from which one makes problematic judgments/decisions).

confirmation bias: when people seek, interpret, or recall information in such a way as to reinforce or confirm their preexisting beliefs

motivated reasoning: when people use biased or unfair methods to evaluate information, usually for the purposes of reducing cognitive dissonance, maintaining their self-image, or preserving beliefs about what they want to be true/false

When people never stop to question the beliefs and values they have been indoctrinated with, they will suffer the consequences of shallow thinking and superficial judgment. As such, you've convinced yourself that you are unattractive, and the way you process information always leads you to reinforce and strengthen that belief. Your belief is so strong that you are very motivated to immediately accept supportive evidence and dismiss any and all contradictory information... all without proper critical examination.

People who are prone to motivated reasoning tend to strongly believe that they are being completely "objective" and "rational" when, in fact, they don't know the meaning of the words.

To be objective requires you to take every available perspective into consideration, but you aren't doing that. Your perspective is singular and extremely narrow. It's almost as though you actively refuse to believe there's any other way to define "attractiveness". There is actually a great diversity of thought out there but you don't acknowledge it, most likely because you believe everyone thinks like you (due to developmental egocentrism).

Sure, there are some very shallow people in this world who only care about physical appearance, but there are also plenty of people out there who value other things much more. By throwing in with the shallow crowd, you subject yourself to the worst standards for self-appraisal, choosing to embody the aspects of society you despise. Is this what you really want for yourself?

Do you understand you have a choice in the matter, with regard to rejecting social indoctrination? You cannot truly grow up into an independent individual, capable of thinking for yourself, when you haven't realized how much of your thinking isn't really yours.

To be rational means you give fair consideration to all the available evidence and carefully draw logical conclusions, but you aren't doing that. Anyone who speaks against your beliefs is basically called a liar and written off as having ulterior motives. You seem to think you have the superpower to read minds and then proceed to superimpose whatever meaning you want into people's minds, hearts, and mouths.

It doesn't matter if you're dating the most honest, kind, supportive, and loving person in the world because, as long as they don't agree with your beliefs, you'll call them a liar. You will destroy the relationship with constant insecurity and doubt because of being unable to receive their love. The issue has nothing to do with the other person; the issue is located squarely in your own belief that you are undeserving of love.

There is nothing anyone can do or say to make you believe you are worthy of love until such time that you come to the belief for yourself. As long as you keep looking outside of yourself for affirmation and validation, healthy self-worth remains out of reach. Self-worth comes from within, from setting your beliefs and values straight such that you can be authentic and love who you are.

The "fix" you suggest isn't going to work because it doesn't address these two underlying problems. At most, shifting your focus onto other areas of life only buries the problems for a time. However, what's more likely to happen is that these two problems will continue to haunt you in other disguised ways.

For example: The judgmental attitude that comes from low self-worth is likely to infect how you evaluate yourself in other realms of life as well, preventing you from being whole and feeling fulfilled. The poor critical thinking skills is likely to lead to problematic decision-making throughout life because you still haven't understood what kinds of decisions are best for your well-being and growth.

I'm not into band-aid solutions that merely cover up problems or kick them down the road. The solutions I suggest usually involve doing a lot of hard work to achieve gradual personal growth, i.e., to change how you think, what you believe, and what you value. So far, what you've written hasn't shown much willingness for this level of change. I hope my response at least serves the purpose of opening up your mind to other possibilities.