Not much i wanna say right now. But we’ll see as i get into this…

I remember seeing this picture a long while after we ‘stopped talking as friends, period’. I dont know whether it was because it gave me “graduation goggles (-How I Met Your Mother)” or if it just genuinely hit a soft spot in me.. but FUCK, i miss her. I think, for me, she might resemble a time when i couldn’t tell if was lonely or if i actually missed her. It’s been over almost a year(?) since we broke up and i still cant really tell for sure which way i actually felt. But as i’ve learned before, I dont know what i’ve got until its gone. After giving her up as a girlfriend, i wanted her more. And after letting her go as a friend, i needed her more. But i know now that that frame of emotions and thoughts is utterly selfish. I played the role of a boyfriend while not being a good boyfriend. Learn, be greater, KNOW WHAT YOU WANT.Although, in all honesty, i do sincerely miss her.

I wish she’d hate me, but that would only make it easy for me. Takes true discipline to leave her alone. Respect her.

Remember. -You got together with her with the feeling of settling for her. But after everything ended; that was the dumbest idea ever…settling..

Part of The Series of Compilations (Part 2.5?), but a small note:

Remember what your cousin Meng said about writing a suicide note (goodbye letter/appreciation letter) to important people. Remember this preventive technique if you’re depressed. Allows you to remember why that person is important to you..and why you’re important to them.

I can write so much more. But i’ll keep it super short. Because this nigga shared his ‘first love- with Yer Yang’ experiences alongside me when I was tabooing with Julie, he and i were able to get insight on each other’s respective behaviors as well as our own. This foo has also taught me a lot of life lessons, not to mention more insight on myself as a person and why i behave and do certain actions. I have so much to thank him for, emotional support, beer, drugs, money, girls, lol etc.

Julie.

Hmm. I honestly wonder what my relationship with her will be maybe a decade from now? -And i can honestly say that i dont want to know. Its not like with Ntxoo, where i definitely want to stick around. Sure, Julie has played an enormous role in my maturity and experiences with “love~” (haha) but with Julie… I dont think i can ever really ever be okay with being around her normally. (but who knows right?) 

My deeper thoughts.Sure i can be just friends with her and we have been since we ‘dated’ back in sophomore year of high school. And that was four years ago. I wonder if i can, or ever will let go of her. I’m sure i will eventually, but atm its hard. Best reason i came up with so far, is that i will always see her as an ex, and the one that got away i guess -even though it would’ve never worked out to begin with - and seeing her so often and being in the same close knit group of friends takes a toll on my emotions about her. BUT also thats just how i am when it comes to friendships/relationships with girls…type of guy who over thinks and jumps to conclusions, get over yourself boy… I guess one main point im trying to make (to myself, lol) is that I need to draw the line for myself. Keep your goddamn hopes and fantasies away. Even if you were ever right in thinking that she wanted you, its too late..its not worth the pain..not even worth trying and idk why you even wait or act like she might be thinking the same as you. Just be glad that she stuck around for you, appreciate what You and Julie had, and have now.. The Best Awkward Friendship that no one else will ever understand the same as you two. To go throught those young-love experiences and come out still being such good friends with each other is special and dont think for a second that things could be “better”.

I made this blog for myself because I needed an outlet. My previous outlets;  Ntxoo, and at a time Julie; are far too busy with their own life i cant bring myself to bother them. Gotta learn to do good by myself.