#mind spewing

get more motivation?? seriously all my problems with myself could be solved with this, and the more i think about it the more i think i have some kind of problem. people dont usually immediately shut down and feel like doing nothing but lay in bed the second theyre in their parents house, right?

get more active on here and social media with my art! i have a lot of things to share

in that vein; start keeping a list or journal of ideas so i dont forget them in a week

get a job and get my own apartment

sorta maybe start a project im thinking about

eat healthier and work out n get RIPPED

pick up some creative thing other than drawing. knitting or felt work maybe? or bookbinding to make sketchbooks

participate in a game jam or make my own game with another person or a team; i have no patience for coding and level design

do more creative challenges in general! might even start one after January and after i get my feet more on the ground, hypothetically 

this is a long shot but: get over my horrible driving anxiety and learn how to drive maybe possibly 

it took me a while to come to terms with this honestly. its not like i was...repulsed by the idea or anything, or that i didnt want to believe it, i just wanted to wait and see if that ever-fabled “romance” would happen.

and like fuck it man im almost 20 if it hasnt happened yet i can take a safe bet that it never will (among other reasons ill get into) 

im also autochoris and that muddied the waters for me a bit. 

anyway, some QUICK FACTS that made me realize this

the whole idea of being in a relationship with someone stresses me out so much its never gonna be worth it. american society has placed SO MANY expectations and preconceptions about what romance and relationships are, it may as well be a performance art. holding hands, calling each other pet names, cuddling, giving each other gifts. all of this is so, SO expected and normal people will automatically just...assume you do these things. and if you dont do them, something is wrong and either youre not “normal” or the relationship isnt “real”. id feel so pressured to do these things no matter if i even want to or not. and if i wasnt acting out of my own emotions, but rather the expectations of my emotions by others, is that really genuine? for me, no.  

i realize that first point is horribly stereotyped and maybe its all the middle-aged catholic mothers i was exposed to as a child that makes me think thats what other people think. maybe its my residual social anxiety talking. either way, fuck no

i have no personal definition of romance. i cant explain this point very well since there isnt anything to explain? romance is a void. an endless void. dont look directly at it

going back to the performance art analogy i made, ever since i was a kid, ive always thought romantic behavior was a weird kind of act, or someone exaggerating their emotions for the sake of dramatics. i was only exposed to that kind of behavior on tv and in books as a little kid since my parents werent very “romantic” (they loved each other and it was v apparent. just. not in any way that was obvious to anyone like me under the age of 10). i just...never associated typical romantic behavior to a genuine feeling actual people felt. and yes, i know fiction copies reality and shit but if you tried explaining that to me under age 12 i wouldve thought of sonic the hedgehog and thought you were loony. 

that being said, part of the reason it took me a while to realize i was aromantic was my desire to kiss people and cuddle n shit. thats something i want to do at some point in my life! and i thought that those actions were inherently romantic for most of my life. but they arent! go me, figuring shit out!