#millenium gothic

It sounds laughable, but that was truly how miraculous it seemed, this conversation; [the] American may as well have been a Martian. We wanted to know what time it was, what they could see out of their window. These were the things we needed to know! It was an interstellar communication – we were making first contact, and they were from a planet so distant to our own.

i am a fair bit younger than dorian but tbh this is still how i feel about the internet and what keeps me coming back to tumblr and specific forums. it's so fascinating learning about other people on the other side of the world through what are essentially diary entries, all lower case with atrocious spelling. sometimes i remember that ive been friends with the same people online for years and my mind is blown all over again.

i know some people hate it, and while a face to face conversation is great, i love texting & online messaging. you could be hundreds of miles away. you can write and rewrite something a million times before you hit send so there's no rush for you to reply within a socially acceptable amount of time. and then that message travels at the speed of light into your friends inbox, or feels like it at least, and then comes an addicting *ping!* a few moments later with your friends' witty reply

as awful as the internet can be, i love that it's like walking into a room full of people who are equally invested in the same stupid shit i am

31st oct 2025

So yeah I am just some internet stranger, I don't post super often. Whatever, I guess I could be any random girl/woman/chick you walk past in the street...

I have been basically living in the past for the last month, like desperately clinging onto the wish I can go back in time to another year, back to where I used to live and back to my old friends who were not far away. I was seriously struggling and was basically pretending like I still lived back at my old place and that I really could just go knock on my friends door and hang out. I would often get super upset that it is not reality and I would feel wrong and out of place not being able to go to the cafe that I used to go to sometimes, thing is when you remember things very clearly like it was yesterday it sucks so much to look in the mirror and see an older/wrong version of myself. I have never made any friends in my current place of living, even went to college and uni & failed at that, I used to have a job but I been failing at a string of different jobs and lost my confidence.... So I been unemployed for like 5 or 6 months.

Being nostalgic about the past and remembering the good times has been my comfort but reality is biting me in the ass. There was a time in my past I made not so great choices but I am tempted to pick them up again especially because my confidence & self esteem is so low sometimes that I feel I can't keep a job, I can't have friends, I have no skills but I can do X that's what I am good at... (not going to give too much detail) maybe I belong nowhere idk...but that would be just me escaping my feelings again and I would get in trouble eventually and I would regret it.

I do have a lot of positive memories from the past that help me but I also struggled with the exact same issues back then... I was lonely then most of the time, I had/have difficulty with dealing with my emotions when I get closer to people so I kind of also avoid it... I only had good friends a fraction of my youth but I felt a part of something and felt I belonged for even a small time... It did not last even though I wish it could have. I am constantly chasing something that is not possible.

It has took a long time to finally hit home for me that those days are over. It is painful as fuck and it sucks but I am at a crossroads now where I have to stop pretending. I have been avoiding the truth for as long as I literally could but I have to face reality that I am much older, I am lonely and all my old friends forgot about me or moved on, they are nothing like they were, the places I felt comfortable no longer exist, I no longer feel I fit in anywhere.

In the past I had potential, there were so many possibilities, also I always believed I would learn to get over my social difficulties but now I have to face the reality that I will struggle with that forever, and the world is much less forgiving when you are no longer in your teens or early 20s and it sucks so much harder and hits me much harder that it is over...

I been reading Dorian Bridges 'Millenium Gothic' and I think it will help if I take inspiration from that and write basically things from my past and memories (but just for me, not to publish) because then perhaps I can let it go and live my life for myself and remember who I am because I have been living life as who I thought I was supposed to be and feeling ashamed of who I actually am and I only just realised I felt ashamed about it, but who I am is not wrong. The ending of that book hit me pretty hard because of what stage of life I am currently in etc and it is very fitting for me too...I guess shoutout to the universe for me picking up the book to read now even though I knew about it for a while..

... I guess I also have to rediscover who I am... who am I now in the present ? Well, I said I am at a crossroads and I can no longer exist doing nothing and letting nostalgia take over me, I also decided I will not do X, so my choice is to actually put work into getting a job and getting back on me feet but oh my days it also kinda sucks and it feels like a loss in a way... but I can rebuild myself, discover who I really am and I CAN make new memories, I can maybe find friends if I am living in the world AS MYSELF and not who I thought I was supposed to be.  I HAVE TO BE BRAVE!! I also have to accept reality and that bills are a thing and I want to have a place to live and be able to buy food 🙃