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Mikora stifled a muted sob, huddled in some dark, dusty corner of the archive.
“Awww...” He heard a familiar voice come from behind one of the shelves of scrolls and parchment, and his shoulders sagged.
“Poor Mikora!” The voice continued. Another jade sidled into his hiding spot, a smug smirk on her face. She had a silver sash tied around her waist. “You tried so hard, and in the end it totally meant nothing!”
“Please leave me alone,” Mikora said wetly, his voice monotone, wiping his face in an attempt to clean himself up. The other jade held out her arms.
“C’mere, you need a hug~”
He glowered at her.
“Awh, don’t look at me like that. C’moon~”
“Don’t- Don’t make me repeat myself.” Mikora mumbled.
“Or what?” She laughed, dropping her arms. Then she waved her hands a little. “You’ll glare at me some more? Ooh, scary.”
Mikora scowled, the corner of his mouth twitching down and his brow furrowing with deep resentment. The other jade’s mirthful grin only widened.
“Scary scary~ I never knew you could make such a scary face, Mikora~”
Mikora sniffled and made to shove his way past her. She shunted his shoulder back, but he still managed to sidle by. She watched him go, and then elected to call after him one more time.
“Maybe they’ll consider you for the next blue sash! Chin up, Mikora!”
Mikora clenched his fists and then released, his teeth grit so hard his jaw shook.
---
“Mikora?”
Mikora hastily put the knife he was toying with aside, half-hiding it under his leg. He sat on his bed, and in the darkness ahead he could see a lithe troll quietly approaching him. One of the trolls of his sector, who lived in the quarters next to his. He’d always been kind to him, especially after Beihet...
“Another nightmare?” The other troll asked, going to sit next to him. Mikora hummed in what could possibly be considered a moody affirmation.
He leaned his shoulder against Mikora’s and reached out as though to let Mikora take his hand. Mikora glanced at his hand, and then looked away. The other troll lowered his hand and scooted a half-inch away. He knew already that Mikora didn’t like to talk about his nightmares, but he sat with him sometimes until Mikora had calmed down.
Mikora heaved a sigh. “They were considering me for the next blue sash.”
“Oh-! That’s such an honor...”
Mikora nodded bitterly. “I didn’t make it, though. Not by a long shot.”
“Well, if they considered you once, maybe in a few sweeps...”
Mikora thought back to the silver sash’s mocking call.
He rubbed his face with both hands and then got to his feet, picking up the knife and sliding it into it’s sheath on his belt.
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Liorai brought him to a sturdy, secured room partitioned with a curtain. She bade him to kneel in front of the curtain while she took her leave, for just a moment.
He did his best not to be anxious. She did this all the time, he was sure. He had to have faith in her, that she wasn’t going to fetch the guards or tell anyone.
Liorai returned with a pitcher and a clay cup, pouring him some water and setting both the pitcher and the cup in front of him.
“Take as much time as you need. You can pretend I’m not here, if it helps.” She said gently, and then slipped behind the curtain.
Mikora waited, listening to her settling on the other side. And then he took a few more breaths.
He tried to speak, but nothing came out. He swallowed hard, and took another breath. More than a minute of silence passed, as he struggled to say something, anything. He about to ask if he could just leave.
“I…I killed Alecci.” He said, finally.
It surprised even himself. He waited for some kind of response. None came.
“I killed him. I don’t…I don’t know why I did. I just…Something came over me, and…And when I came back he was dead.”
Silence, still.
“I’m sorry, I- I’m sorry, Alecci. I didn’t want to, I…I swear, I…You loved me, and…”
Tears stung at his eyes, and Mikora bowed his head, shaking with a sob as he removed his glasses and wiped his tears away.
“I killed Beihet, too. He threatened me, and…And I got scared. But he didn’t deserve it either. I insulted him. And I’m sorry. I was wrong, I was jealous and cruel and unkind, and he was only ever kind to me. Alecci, too, he loved me, and he was always so kind. And I killed them, I killed them both…I…”
Tears were flowing down his face now, and he tried in vain to wipe away the steady stream.
“I don’t know what I can do. They haunt me. But I can’t apologize to them, I can’t…”
And still, silence.
“Priestess Liorai..?”
“I’m still here, Mikora.”
“Does…Does the Mother Goddess forgive me? I…”
“...You should ask her for forgiveness, Mikora, not me. You have remorse already; Pray, and repent, and the Mother Goddess, and Alecci, and Beihet, they will forgive you.”
“I’ve been praying..! I’ve been asking, but I don’t know…It seems like every answer I get is that she doesn’t forgive me…”
“Have you repented, Mikora? Have you made your wrongs right?”
“I…” Mikora rubbed his arms. “How do I..?”
“I might suggest repenting by trial,” Liorai said softly. “You will have support, trolls to help you. If you do not wish it, I will not speak a word of this, but, Mikora…Clearly, this pains you greatly. You should ask for help. And everything will be right in the end.”
Mikora rubbed his arms anxiously, boring his fingertips into the soft flesh of his arms through his shirt. “I…I want to repent. But I…It’s terrifying…”
“Fear is the first step to repentance. The evils within you fear being purged. But they can be replaced with goodness, and you will be at peace.” Liorai continued.
“At peace,” sighed Mikora, looking up to the ceiling. He didn’t think he’d been at peace in sweeps, since long before Beihet’s death. If this was his path to peace…
“...Okay. I’ll…I’ll repent. By trial.”
“You’re very brave, Mikora. The Mother Goddess will smile for you.”
Mikora shook with a rattling sob and clasped his hands together at his chest.
Mikora took in the cool cavern air, the refreshing silence of after-hours. Alecci, his neighbor, walked a little behind him on the narrow path.
“Mikora?”
“Mm?”
“We’re going pretty far...”
Mikora paused, and looked around.
“Oh. Sorry...I was just...I always went this way with Beihet.”
Alecci rubbed his upper arm, frowning.
“We can head back.” Mikora said, turning back to face Alecci, who shook his head. “No, it’s fine. Do what you need to.”
Mikora chewed on his tongue, and then turned to face ahead again and kept walking. Alecci silently followed.
“Beihet and I talked a lot,” he began, after several silent moments of walking. “We’d walk all the way to the waterfall and back and talk the entire time.”
Alecci remained silent.
“I never did that with anyone else. So there was just suddenly this big void.”
Silence, still. Mikora could only hear Alecci’s footsteps behind him.
“Sorry.”
“It’s fine,” Alecci said softly.
The two continued to walk in silence. The buildings gave way to open cavern and stalagmites, jagged spires of stone. Moss coated the ground and several bubbling streams met to form one brook. Mikora took Alecci’s hand and helped him over the stream to cross.
There was a fantastic view of the caverns on the crest of rocks just ahead; They had reached the waterfall.
That very stone Alecci had just taken his foot off of was where Beihet had died.
Mikora walked up to the edge of the crest. Alecci suddenly hurried forward and grabbed his hand.
Mikora startled, looking to him. “What..?”
“I...It looked like you might...”
“I’m not going to jump...” Mikora smiled bitterly, and looked out. The cavern yawned in front of them, stretching for a half-mile across that they could see in the glowing moss-lit gloom with the same height. Other waterfalls crashed down into a lake below that this stream joined.
Alecci kept hold of Mikora’s hand.
“I’ve never been out here...” He whispered. “It’s beautiful.”
“Mh-hm.” Said Mikora, still with a slight smile on his face. He glanced to Alecci, who turned his head to meet his eyes.
Then Alecci began to lean over.
Mikora leaned in too, and their lips met. Alecci pulled away after just a moment, but still kept close to Mikora.
“I’m sorry, this is...Probably bad timing...” Alecci murmured.
“No,” said Mikora. “It’s fine.”
Alecci blinked, hesitated, and then kissed him again. He wrapped his arms around Mikora’s shoulders and Mikora wrapped his around Alecci’s waist, pulling him closer, deepening the kiss until they were both breathless.
Panting, Alecci planted a hand on Mikora’s chest and pushed, guiding him down to where Mikora could lie, and Alecci could kneel on top of him. Alecci kissed him again, still breathless, a cool hand sneaking under his collar. Mikora tugged open Alecci’s collar too, and then grabbed it and shoved so that he could be on top. Alecci seemed surprised for a moment, and then flashed Mikora a playful grin.
Mikora mirrored it, and kissed him again, teeth grazing his neck, sucking against his soft skin.
This was...
Boring.
Mikora slipped the knife out of it’s sheath and rammed it into Alecci’s chest without warning.
His playful grin widened as he heard the gasp of air escaping Alecci’s punctured lungs. He stared into Alecci’s face, his eyes wide with shock and pain, jaws parted in a silent cry.
He twisted the knife back and forth to dislodge it. When it was finally free, Mikora stabbed it into Alecci’s chest again.
And again.
And again.
Over and over.
A giggle escaped him and he didn’t know why.
Finally, breathless, covered in blood, he stopped. Alecci was still, and silent.
Mikora raised the knife again to carve into Alecci’s throat, to keep him from resurrecting, but he suddenly became aware of all the damage he had caused. Of Alecci’s lifeless eyes, somehow resting right on him. Looking straight through him.
I wasn’t who you wanted to kill, his bloodied lips seemed to say.
“Al-Alecci,” Mikora whimpered. He cradled Alecci’s face, still holding the knife in one hand. “Alecci, Alecci, what did I...What have I done..?”
Mikora brought his hands to his face, suddenly all to aware of the fact that he was straddling Alecci’s lifeless corpse, covered in his blood. He threw himself off and into the stream, furiously scrubbing his clothes and self, and he began to sob.
He curled in on himself, soaking his brow in the water, and choked with agonized weeping. “I killed- I killed Alecci, too...I killed...”
Mikora held his face in his hands and bored his fingertips into his brow. He shakily got to his feet, the knife practically glued to his palm.
He grabbed Alecci’s collar and dragged him to the cliff’s edge.
And then he threw his body into the lake far below.
He looked at the knive still in his hand, his fingers clenched so tight around it that his knuckles were white, where they were visible under the stubborn viscera he hadn’t been able to wash away.
Throw the knife.
Throw the knife.
Mikora sheathed it.
He took a shaky breath. He took another. And another, until he wasn’t shaking so much.
He turned to the stream to try to wash the blood off again.
