#mikeynotyourkey

It is 1:06am. january 22nd, 2020. 

 I find myself unable to sleep. No matter what I drink or what I do to deplete my brain mentally, I just lie here, physically fatigued, but mentally, about as energetic as an experienced marathon runner. 

It hurts. To even try to unpackage it cuts with every little detail and memory. my brain is in a gift box with barb wire as the wrapping paper. 

Let’s go most recent and back? Ain’t really no other way. God the amount of times I thought that. 

I did it. One of the necessary steps. For moving on. Over 300 pictures together, like that. poof. gone. nada. 

how? like I know how. but just why? i know why. but damn. getting them off my phone was priority. the amount of times I found myself reminiscing on older memories. god. you’re not around yet I’ll miss out on my time with everyone but you. It’s quite dangerous really. Am I so drained I have no strength but to reminisce, or am I simply choosing to hurt myself to attempt to remember how things were. 

part of me knows i did what’s right. I’m nothing to her now. She’s moved on. I need to. 

but the other part. the louder part, stronger part of me... fuck man. this shit hurttts lmao. basically every line from Love is Gone is hitting. before that song was like average simp. “yeah okay love is gone, its catchy and just another edm hit. no big deal”... 

no big deal...until you realize you are the sad astronaut. aimlessly floating about my day. like fuck each bar just hits so hard once i realized I was in that state. I mean fuck. as it plays on repeat in the background...

“Don't go tonight

Stay here one more time

Remind me what it's like, oh

And let's fall in love one more time

I need you now by my side

It tears me up when you turn me down

I'm begging please, just stick around ”...

every damn moment i tried stealing with her. what i thought was just sad love junkie me chasing my high, i realized i was fully addicted. I wanted more moments. for them to never end. but its gone.its..gone. GONE. G-O-N-E. i’m in withdrawal mode now. lying in bed, heavy chest, migraine headache, and a lump of misery and despair sitting in my throat. 

im nitpicking now. it happens. i overthink things till the death. despite having such a open and shut decision. friday still lingers in my head. that was the only thing I wanted from the night. i could care less about the party, people, drinks,. all i wanted from that night was to be held and told things would be okay. a lie yes. but i understand why things change. why hurt me more on the day that’s supposed to be mine? honestly ignorance is a bliss. but somehow i keep knowing and learning about things i wish i never knew. 

i told my siblings today. the news. i feel a bit closer to them, and they appreciated me sharing such a personal detail. gave me advice, asked how i was doing. too weird man. i was being spoken to like an adult their age, and not the 15 year old rebel they had been treating me as for damn near forever. 

to keep from full sending into the dark. im staying busy. if i stay occupied, i won’t have time to think about it. and at some point, id have to forget right? about everything. about it all. you’d think a goldfish brain like mine would be useful for this huh. no, unfortunately. it seems i’ve a knack for forgetting the good times and only remembering the bad ones.

remember, she ended things with you. you couldn’t be what she needed. you’re not mature enough for her. she’s happier now. without you. leave her be. she deserves happiness.

2:01am jan 22nd

Love is Gone - Slander

Honesty - Pink Sweat$

Dear whoever tf will be reading this (11:54am September 19, 2019) I’m currently in my Design 50 class even though I’m a Sociology major. I’m blazed out my damn mind, took like 5-7 hits of my pen while on the drive to school? And I’m sorta just fed up with myself. I go through pledging. Expressing the most independence of my fucking life. I leave the house at 8am, I come back home 4am. Every Wednesday I get my shit rocked in the name of brotherhood? I quit my job, into the last week of April, due to a simple schedule change that took 4 attempts to change but never did. So a Wednesday night ends at 4am, and boom guess who’s ass bouta be at work slicing open boxes at 5am? Yawppp. Started in February, made it to fucking APRIL. The month of finals, hell month.  But I make it. June bleeds into July. And I fucking make it. July 13th, happy birthday to my 598 dad. He enjoys audiotistic. Meanwhile im having the best sleep of my life coming back home from SF to be into my bed at 8am. While also seeing my dad walking to Starbucks. Thanks actual biological father for getting me a blueberry lemonade. I do all of this. Summer is enjoyed. I want to work again. I miss Nike. Quitting that shit was such an experience. I had to come to terms with my limits, my abilities, the burnout and bags oh my god lmaoo.

 Schools is back. I fuck up with my sister. White lies turn white hot and nearly burn the bridge between us. I’m currently tryna repair it but damn its rough. I try to regain independence. A month before our near meltdown of trust. I apply back to Nike. I didn’t get it for Seasonal Summer, im coo. Fair enough it was summer, I applied hella late, its all good. I apply August 12 for Part Time, I tell my bros to. One of em applies a week after me and gets a reply within 3 days. He got declined. Mine doesn’t get thrown out. I check up on my application every day. I want this income, I want the discount. But importantly of all, I just wanna work. I want my freedom back. For the spotlight of attention to pull away from me. Let me do my own thing. I’m fine. I always am. I make it through everything. September 18, 2019, a whole ass month and damn fucking near week, I get an email. Nike Human Resources. They say come schedule an interview, I click the link. Got no availability, I call the store, they’ll call me back tomorrow to schedule one. Oh shit. I’m ready. Fuck. Im coming back. I send out the famous business fax statement from Michael Jordan that announced his comeback. “I’m’ back”. I send image of MJ holding his 1991 trophy crying. I start crying. I’m in the Union 2nd floor, in the room we held a Heart2Heart event for #210 (miraculous heart transplant story btw) and im fucking in tears. Thank god I’m by myself. But fuck man. My life is going back. My life pre-pledging,  the only difference, I’m in now. I’ve crossed. I’ve gotten stronger social network, my income coming back, but important, my independence is coming back… My sister calls me over next day. Run an errand for her. I do. My cousin who works at Nike there calls me back while I’m parking. “Bro pick up your phone okay?” “yeah for sure man.” Another call. I pick up. “hi is this mikey?” “Yes it is. Hello.” ‘hiiiii” …. “It’s Jax”

 Me:….

 I CHEESE SO FUCKING HARD. Omg this person is the greatest. Hands down, 2nd after my cousin, is my favorite manager to have worked with. Understood the process I was starting, warned me to not be late, was the first person I told I’d be leaving, and hearing her voice made me so happy. And just solidified that shit for me. I’m coming back. I’m really fucking coming back. We talk about scheduling, I promise to recall in 15 minutes… I get in the house. Let the dogs in the backyard. Open my laptop, no wifi, ask sister for PC password. Get hit with “Idk”. Wtf is going on? I call her. I ask for the password. She demands why. I tell her to schedule for an interview. She said she never heard about this. When did I do this. Why am I doing this? No. bring the book I told you to read. You’re grounded.

Grounded.

Grounded?

GROUNDED???/

You gotta be fucking kidding me. This is not happening. But it is. It’s falling apart. Right in front of me. As I stare at this unaccessed PC, unable to go online to click the link in my email and reschedule an interview. I hang up. I read 4 chapters into the fucking book she gave me. she gets to the house.

We have an hour long lecture. Why im not allowed to work. About the serious trust issues between us. How my track record is trash, I’ve been lying and not being responsible. She wont know where im at. I haven’t earned it. she’s all over the fucking place I listen, but spend the majority of the time staring at her hand slamming on the table. the entire time, I think of what I have to do that’s gonna fucking kill me. hey nike. Managers. Jax, constance, my cousin. I can’t work. Sorry. Family issues. Remove me from the interview list.

I

Can’t.

Work.

 …

Damn I’m really in this bih. I got so much to fuckin say rn but its just a whole lot I can’t right now. In the metaphorical way but also in the literal physical way too.  Been on silent mode since March 20th, and even thought it’s only been a cool 2 weeks and 5 days ish since.... it’s really settling in.  What can I really say? tho. not a whole lot that’d make sense to anybody that ain’t me. But like, I wanna tell someone. I NEED to tell someone. I wish I had that same person I told everything to. But that’s not an option right now..hopefully not anymore.  22. Such an odd number. sitting in between 21 and 23, the jordan year, it’s such an odd one. It’s like being 19, or being 17, or being a sophmore in high school. Like yeah, you had one year of being this FEELin grown shit, but you realize you still a youngblood.  17 year olds are just kids that can drive with a permit for ONE year, and are 1 year way from that coveted license 19, are just kids that just became ADULTS, still can’t do much. and you got 20 so that’s like an extended feeling.  22, though. For a lot of people I’d imagine it’s the most confusing time of their life. I know it is for me. In term’s of school, I think I know where my path lies but i’m still clueless af for what waits at the end for me.  I’ve grown quickly to a pair of new friends. and currently am in day 46? well 47 when it’s 8:17pm but rn it’s only 12:58am April 28th, of a process for a thing. Something I hope will pay off. It’s been of the most trying moments of my life so far, causing me to break from my safe zone life which will either accelerate my growth as an individual or completely shatter me.  Whichever the case may be. All I can say is right now... I miss my ps4, I miss playing Fortnite. I wish the semester was over and done with. I wish this process was over and done with. I wish..... I really wish you were still here or that I had some concrete evidence that we’ll be on speaking terms again one day and not that I’ll just have to move on, on my own, without you. Even though my heart’s beginning the process. This is something I just don’t wanna see through nor hope I have to.... Happy 22nd birthday to me?  Songs I’m messing with rn  Honesty - Pink $weats (#2)