#microperfumes

{Microperfumes // A Variety // See Below}

Well, I swore to myself that I would make this a three-part series. You know what they say about best laid plans? Yeah, me neither. I think the remaining organizational scheme was going to be something like, “YouTube made me try these” and then “Wild Cards.” But because I’m fickle and impatient, I’m lumping them all together. I trust that you, dear audience, will be capable of discerning what’s been popular on YouTube, and what’s more or less random.

And without further ado, let the chaos commence!

Dolce & Gabbana / Dolce Floral Drops / 7.5/10

Say it with me, “Pissy Floral.” And we know yours truly loves a pissy floral. For those in the audience not yet apprised of my ~trademark~ saying: tart, fresh, shampoo-y/hairspray-y scents that say “I’m fresh, I’m clean, don’t tread on me” = pissy florals. An easy wear. 

And no, I don’t feel like any of the notes are discernable enough to be worth flogging the Fragrantica page to death.

Yves Saint Laurent / Black Opium / 6/10

Somehow, this is the scent of being on the precipice of greatness. Alas, the vanilla, coffee, and pear fight and ultimately morph into a strangely tart, sweet, coffee. It’s kind of like that phenomenon people describe as being both scared and aroused. Not saying I can relate, but the twisted juxtaposition seems applicable here.

Bvlgari / Mon Jasmin Noir / 4/10

I can hardly smell anything. Maybe like my grandmother inhabited a room 1 week ago and then left the windows open while some laundry was drying outside. I don’t know her.

Versace / Crystal Noir EDT / 6.5/10

As with Black Opium, there’s something perversely appealing about Crystal Noir. In fact, Crystal Noir bears a passing resemblance to Zara’s Rich, Warm, Addictive - which can best be described as “mentholated coconut.” Maybe as if somebody made menthols out of coconut water? I’m confused, she’s confused, we’re all confused. I don’t hate it, but can’t imagine an occasion to wear it.

Gucci / Flora / 5/10

Mom, pick me up - I’m scared.

It’s been a while since I’ve smelled something so brashly and outspokenly traditionally feminine by today’s modern scenting standards. And yet, I’m face to face with the towering, pink confection demon of my nightmares. Somebody’s gotta do it to ‘em, but for once it’s not me.

Chanel / Chance Eau Tendre / 6.5/10

Pissy. Floral. Even more tart and green than the last one. Also something a little indolic in there. A sourpuss face only a mother could love.

Tom Ford / Black Orchid / 4/10

Sometimes I think the Tom Ford brief is simply “Make this smell strong and distinctive.” And boy, Black Orchid delivers. Yet, it happens to contain this weird, sweet-musky-animalic component that’s usually marketed as “honey” and makes my stomach turn. Few fragrances have successfully captured the true scent of honey, and this is one that fails to meet the mark for me.

Rihanna / Reb’l Fleur / 3/10

Derivative purple cough syrup. Avoid at all costs.

Tom Ford / Eau de Soleil Blanc / 6/10

Take Neroli Portofino and buoy out the strident neroli with some prissier notes. Summer scent writ large.

Jo Malone / Orange Blossom / 6/10

I love orange blossom. The note is truly handsome, round, and just the right mixture of fresh, delicate, and sweet. Frankly, this orange blossom reads as an indolic orange blossom honeysuckle mix. It’s not awful, but the indolence would have me nervous about others’ perceptions of me.

Lolita Lempicka / Lolita Lempicka Eau de Parfum / 4/10

Weird, plasticky licorice note. Just no.

Christian Dior / Poison Girl / 6/10

Ephemeral creamsicle-lite scent. I’m not sure what’s going on here but it’s not odious.

Thierry Mugler / Alien / 6/10