#mi querido

And it came from a damnable MagiQuiz post. 

Each of the four most influential partners in my life stand as a sort of... measuring stick by my side. If a person cannot measure up to those four (MAYBE five...) then... they truly don’t have a chance of a relationship with me. 

I wonder if that’s unfair... But... the men who they measure against... were men that I could see myself on the front porch with a glass of iced tea watching my grandchildren play. They were, in their own times, the most important men in my life. They influenced decisions I made, and sometimes changed the way I thought about things.

The first is the man who saved my life, and showed me that it was possible not just to survive, but to live. I fell for him in the moment I first laid eyes on his smile, and I knew that his name would forever be in my heart. We shared secrets, and we shared truths that neither of us may have been ready for. I fought for him, and he fought for me. He gave me hope for a future filled with love, and showed me that even the most broken of us can leave the pedestal we place ourselves on to shield ourselves from being hurt. He showed me that love can be amazing, and frightening, and it can hurt, but it can also heal. He saved my life. He stopped the razor blades meeting my skin, he ensured that I ate, and took care of myself, and I owe the fact that I am a functioning PERSON to him. I owe the fact that I am a person at all to him. 

The second is the man who taught me that sometimes love isn’t enough. That sometimes things happen which are not able to be overcome, and that no matter how much you love someone, it’s better to let them go to live their own lives. He taught me that I was worth fighting for, and he taught me that even when it seems like everything is going wrong, you can stand on your own two feet, so long as someone stands by your side. He taught me to play the violin. He taught me to build computers, and he taught me to build bridges to those you love, instead of walls.

The third... what can I say of the third? He captured by attention much by accident, and our relationship happened the same way. I can’t say he taught me it’s possible to love more than one person at a time. I’d known that since 2012. But, he taught me that I didn’t HAVE to only love one person at a time. He stood beside me when his choices were grim, and I learned from him that I could never be a homewrecker, yet for a year or two... I was his other woman. From him I learned polyamory isn’t always fair. I learned that loving one more fully than another partner... is dangerous. With him, I learned to let go of someone you love for their happiness, and I learned that not every love is to last forever. I learned that I could be dishonest, and that I didn’t like that about myself. It’s something I worked very hard to change. I learned from mistakes I made, and I taught myself to be better for it.

The fourth... From him I learned that not everyone is willing to try and talk to fix things, even when they’ve been by your side for so long, it seems almost inevitable that they remain there. From him, I almost learned to guard my heart as a dragon guards gold. Yet from him, I also learned that I am strong enough to stand on my own, even when I do not think that I can. I learned that I can SURVIVE, if need be. I learned that even after years of proclaimed love, things can change in a moment, and I learned that sometimes... just sometimes, it’s okay to jump into the deep end wholeheartedly. He also taught me that sometimes, the water isn’t as deep as it seems, and you can be hurt. He showed me that even with the best intentions... sometimes you just can’t predict the outcomes. He taught me that sometimes, your best just isn’t good enough, and that’s okay, because for someone- it will be.

Is it unfair that my current partner stands beside these spectres of import in my life? It is unfair of me to look for the best parts of these four men, and keep a lookout for the worst? I don’t know. Maybe it is. Maybe these spectres are nothing more than past regrets, and things I wish could have been different. Perhaps there’s still a bit of love in my heart for each of these men, and it is easier to love someone if they fit into the puzzle of my heart? 

I don’t know the answer, to be honest. Perhaps I am afraid of it. Perhaps, even now, there is a fear of what love can do, and the power it holds to hurt and destroy. But... there is hope, and happiness, too. I built aspects of myself, and aspects of my life with each of these four, and though the experience of loss hurt more than I usually care to admit... the building of our relationships, our lives together, and ourselves as people... I wouldn’t change any of it for the world. In a perfect world, perhaps I would have gotten it right the first time... but... this isn’t a perfect world. It is the one in which we live, and it always has lessons to teach. 

Look into my eyes when I tell you “I love you”

so you can see just how much I mean it.

Hold my hand when we walk through the park

and glance at me to ensure I’m still there.

Touch my feet with your own when we lay

in your bed getting ready to fall asleep.

Kiss my forehead when I go for a hug

if you want me to melt into your arms.

Surprise me with the little things you know I like

just because you thought of me earlier.

Poke my shoulder so I look at your face

when you want to give me another kiss.

Add a song to our joint playlist on Spotify

even though it isn’t gay, it’s our song now.

Talk me through the rough patches in life

because you know I can’t calm myself down.

Remind me of how you feel about me

when I’m having a hard time remembering it.

Love me forever, love me always, and finally,