Halcyon Haven

I am doing modules for the new job that I've picked up 'cause y'know, you gotta, and they're narrated by this awful AI voice that cannot consistently pronounce the english language, LET ALONE the gods bedamned pathogen names they're attempting to have it pronounce, SO OF COURSE, my mind wandered...

I'm ALSO medicating because it's the only way I won't paint the ceiling a la Kurt Cobain, because I HAVE TO MOVE AT THE SPEED OF THE AI READER, AND IT READS AS FAST AS A FOUR YEAR OLD POMERANIAN THAT HAS JUST GAINED THE USE OF LANGUAGE.

I'm melting.

And Medicated.

And thought... Hey, what if we used the AIDS virus to combat people with autoimmune issues? Like... could we manipulate that virus to specifically have a gene that causes apoptosis at a certain time, and senescence so it can't replicate, and then and THEN, COULD we get it to manage the immune system?

I... Can't remember the last time that happened to me. The crazy part is, I kind of initiated it. Like. On purpose. And he responded?? Positively???

It has come to my attention that the only way that I'm able to recognize my own value is if I am of value to someone else, because my mother was a narcissist, and the only time that I was in her good books was when I was serving her interests.

Each and every relationship that I have been in over the past 20 years, has had the same themes. I attempt to satisfy every whim and urge of my partner before they even know that the urge has come, and when they are happy with my actions, I felt loved. Because I thought that this is what love is.

I have allowed myself to be dragged down by men who have not made improvements to themselves, and have clung to me like a life jacket to keep them from slipping into the depths of their own darkness.

I do not adequately know how to be a partner because I have never been a partner, in all reality. I have been a servant to the whims of others and thought that it was partnership.

I tire of being the anchor of peace and light, when I do not get to feel those two things myself. I tire of false love.

A man who loves me would choose me. A man who loves me would be interested in my AuDHD, my disability, my passions, and he would learn about those things, and about me, and help me through them when I need him to, instead of offering empty pleasantries, instead of saying that's rough, and walking away, instead of pretending to sympathize to get what they want from the interaction.

A man who loves me would want to be by my side, would want to do things with me that we both enjoy, and sometimes, even things that only one of us enjoys, sheerly for the joy of seeing the other be happy and enjoying themselves.

I guess I'm just tired. I'm tired of the people who give me false hope that this time, possibly, I AM loved, and not simply tolerated, or kept for usefulness. I am tired of being what people need, and making do with what I get. I am tired.

I just... wish that I hadn't ruined the one actual thing that I was hopeful for with my inability to be social. She felt different than the rest. But... Well. I went and ruined that with my tendency to draw away when things get rough for me.

Perhaps it is simply that I am not meant for a relationship. Perhaps it is that I am meant to give love without receiving it in return. Perhaps I am only the light to draw others from the dark, and when they have begun to thrive, release them to give their own light?

The sad truth of it is, I enjoy that my love language is acts of service. I ENJOY taking care of others, holding them closely when they need comfort, helping with problems that seem too big for one person to deal with. It's how I end up in this trap, so often. But, I simply... Need the same reciprocated. Because no matter how hyperindependent I am, I wish that I didn't have to be.

I suppose... I just wish I had someone else in my life that I could count on as much as I can count on myself. I wonder what that's like? Does it feel nice to be loved, and seen, I wonder? What is it like to have someone choose to stay by your side because that is the place that they WANT to be?