#mhalee

Thanks Indigo!

Hi love,

I don't think it's weird, although maybe a little uncommon. It might be worth thinking about what exactly it is about nightmares that you like experiencing? The feeling of fear is a pretty powerful one - adrenaline flowing, heart pumping, your body getting read to fight or flee - that can be an almost addictive feeling sometimes, and it's a feeling that's very much alive in a way. Maybe you like being scared, maybe you like feeling alive, maybe you like the adrenaline or the suddeness or the excitement of it, and figuring out which parts you like might help you recreate that feeling in an experience you can create and control.

I think thinking about it a lot could potentially result in you getting fixed on the idea of nightmares, you know? Whether that's healthy or not, I don't know, that's a call only you can make. 

I understand where you're coming from, in a way. I'm a bit of an adrenaline junkie, I love ridiculous rides and incredible stunts and horror video games that make you jump or scream. I don't think that's inherently a bad thing. I do however think that repeated nightmares might get old quite quickly - lack of sleep and constant fear aren't always invigorating! But wanting to have nightmares in itself, that's not weird. I don't personally think that's even unhealthy, but whether that's true or not is up to you.

Hi love,

Three options here!

a) Don’t date him. Decide that it’s easier not to. Maybe join a GSA or a place where you can be out and comfortable and meet people there instead. Possibly miss out on a good relaitonship, possibly miss out on a lot of horrific abuse when/if he found out about your identity, possibly miss out on something in between.

b) Date him, and don’t tell him that you’re not cis and no straight. Continue on with a relaitonship like that for your own safety. Maybe you’d be able to cope with that, I don’t know, but I know it would drive me round the bend and I would be anxious about it near-constantly.

c) Try and figure out his stance on LGBTQIA+ people, then decide. Maybe mention that a girl is cute and see if he reacts badly. Or maybe not, if being outed to the church would result in a really bad situation! Maybe mention a gay friend when talking to him? Make one up if you have to (I will 100% pretend to be your very queer internet friend for this scenario), or joke about how you ‘met this really cute (bi/gay/etc) guy but he has a boyfriend [dramatic sigh for effect]’ and see how he reacts?

Even more broadly, if there’s a recent political  issue like marriage equality being put in place in your state, ask him what he thinks? Another option is to talk about beautiful wedding photos that you saw online, casually dropping that both the people involved were women? (Side note: Have ya’ll seen this poly three bride wedding? It’s gorgeous and made my day way better)

If you do decide to pursue a relationship with him, good luck! If not, good luck all the same <3

Hi love,

Yep, it's pretty close to the bottom so should be answered soon!

(p2 west) I feel like they are yelling at me. Anyone I feel that is nonthreatening to talk to is very neutral or they don’t care about politics so I can’t really understand well. I think about this kind of thing so much that I think it’s not healthy. I just worry about it. I don’t have anyone I can discuss it with and I feel like I can’t formulate my own opinions because I’m scared of skewed news sources. (I don’t know how to find trustworthy sources) for things like what is happening inferguson

(P3west) I don’t understand what really happened. I don’t believe that anyone should have been killed- I really feel like that’s wrong. But I don’t understand who to believe about what happened. I worry about being ignorant or misinformed or racist- I really don’t understand who to believe around me or who to trust. I don’t know what to do and I’m thinking about all these things too much and I feel like it’s becoming unhealthy. Please tag this as West. Thank you guys.

Hi West,

I see your problem! Ideally, it'd be nice to have someone who was very informed but not too passionate about either side to talk and explain it to you. Unfortunately, very informed people tend to be very passionate!

As far as I can tell, there are a couple of options for you:

- Track down someone who is informed enough and able to explain calmly enough that they're not particularly threatening about it.- Track down news sources and information sources that you trust to be reliable on the matter.- Read 'biased' news sources, but from each angle (i.e, a republican leaning newspaper and a liberal leaning newspaper)

With regards to specific sources; you might find BBC News and Google News useful. BBC News is supposed to be non-political, ('politically and commercially independent'), due to the fact that it's not a private business. (It's funded by TV licence fees in the UK, essentially.) Google News is more likely to be useful in that it shows a broad spectrum of information, including similar articles from different sources.

With specific events like Ferguson, I'd recommend seeking articles from black people. Just because you're right, there is a lot of bias, but racism tends to be one of those things you should listen to non-white people about (here's a video!). Statistics also tend to be useful! Even though they are sometimes flawed and should always be taken with a pinch of salt, it's generally harder to fake statistics than it is to write a biased article.

What I think is important is trying to de-stress yourself a little. It's okay to not be sure about politics or your own stance. It's okay to think the media and the people around you are political in some way or another - they probably are. If you find yourself worrying about it, try some distractions, or our calming anxiety and panic page.

If any followers have any tips or suggestions, feel free to send them in!

Love and hope, Lee

Hi Vanilla,

It’s really, really not a problem. If you ever need to ask anything else you’re than welcome to do so, and I’m really happy my reply could help you even a little bit! Thank you for such a kind and beautiful message <3

Hi A,

Definitely completely and utterly normal.

Yeah, it's possible you're 'in denial' or have simply mistaken which identifiers fit you best. It's also possible that the labels that fit you best have or will change over time.

In fact, it's pretty common! I started out as straight, then asexual, then bisexual, then bi-but-I-don't-date-dudes, then bi/asexual, and now I'm floating around all of those things.

Romantic and sexual orientations can be a little confusing when they don't match up, but luckily it is one of those things in life that has a tendency to get less and less confusing over time.

If you're someone who really likes labels (I do!) and wants one they can stick with for awhile despite not being 100% sure, then referring to yourself just as the shorthand 'bi', or queer, or simply 'not-straight' might be a solution for you until you're more sure of the specifics.

It's also definitely possible to be bi and have a preference for one or several genders over the other. If your attraction is 'mainly but not completely' to a certain gender, bi could still fit you, which simplifies things considerably!

In the end, it's up to you. You don't need to feel worried or stressed about not having a specific label or not being 100% sure yet, because you will figure it out eventually. There's nothing wrong with not knowing.

Hi love,

Unfortunately there's not really any kind way to say 'we hate your ex girlfriend with a burning passion', although maybe you can do it a little softer than that!

If he doesn't know that you know his ex has been emailing him then unless he brings it up or mentions her there's not much you can do - bringing it up would be presumably wildly inappropriate unless you found out through some innocent method. If he does bring it up or she does come up in conversation you might find yourself able to say something like "I didn't think your relationship was healthy when you were together," and expand if suitable.

But, at the end of the day, he's an adult and he's going to make his own decisions. His decisions should be respected. You can be there for him and you can support him and you can advise him, but you cannot make decisions for him.

I'm sorry that it's making you feel bad right now, especially because it's a situation where there's so little you can do about it. I'd suggest distractions when you feel really low, and maybe talking about it with someone if that helps?