[ CHOI SUNGJAE 101 : MAY 12TH, 2014 ] trigger warning: depression, suicide, drowning.
It wasn't the first time he was going there. He'd been there before, he'd been swimming on that lake whenever he feels the pressure of the world on his shoulders, whenever he needed to go somewhere, whenever he needed to believe there was a door that would take him away.
That lake had been part of Sungjae's life for the past three years. And there he was again—looking more tired than he ever looked before. It was his hidden place, one of the few he had, but this one was special. The lake had no end—or so he believed. He never got to swim deep enough to reach it. It was like a black hole, without an end, unreachable.
Sungjae stared at the view for a while before, slowly, giving a few steps into the water. He only took his glasses off, throwing it away, but didn't bother on taking off his shoes or clothes. And, like that, he started swimming towards the center of the lake.
His plan was simple: reach the end. Why?, he would question himself if he was on his right mind. There wasn't a reason—he just needed to take his mind off everything. He just needed something to believe—and what he believed then was there was a reachable end, a proof that everything is predictable and would be fine. That this life had no mysteries.
And he dived. Eyes opened, staring at the darkness in front of him, ignoring everything else. Arms and legs moving and giving him more impulse than gravity was doing by pulling him down due his clothes.
He kept going, it didn't matter how much his lungs burned at that point, it didn't matter he almost couldn't see a thing in front of him besides darkness.
Inside of his head, he could see it. The end. Sungjae felt like he had been causing too much damage around himself, felt like he destroyed everything he touched and was just an excess of weight to people's life.
And he kept going. His eyes hurt, his arms and legs slowly lost strength as he tried to swim deeper.
That was it. He would make it. He would get to the bottom of the lake, touch it. And then what? His mind asked. No other great idea had come to his mind so far. Maybe today is a good day to die, he concluded.
Before he could help it, he lost it. Not holding his breath anymore, he lost the air on his lungs by opening his mouth automatically in an attempted of breathing. Water filling his lungs, losing the rest of strength he had, he stopped fighting, letting gravity do the rest.
He found the door out of this world.
"Jae!"
Coughs.
Siwan.
Why is Siwan here?
He doesn't know.
He was supposed to be here alone.
It took three days. Three days till his eyes opened and actually saw something. And what they saw just made him feel worse with himself.
Siwan.
His eyes were closed. Sitting on a chair, his head was lying on Sungjae's hospital bed, next to his hand, with a breathing mask covering part of his face. He had something around his torso as well, making a noise, which Jae recognized as being the machine he used for his treatment every day. Something wasn't right, he quickly noticed, seeing his friend with the same band around his wrist as himself.
So they were hospitalized. Why?
Deep down, he knew it. He thought he would accomplish it, but as it seemed—he didn't. And something told him this was thanks to Siwan.
Breathing hurts. He coughed loudly and still could feel the bad reaction for drowning. But his best friend didn't wake up. Calmly breathing with the machine and sleeping uncomfortably, clearly waiting for Jae to wake up.
Sungjae could cry, but he didn't. He just felt regret. Partially for not being successful, but mostly because he might had put people in pain, when his intention was to give them relief.
Slowly, he places his hand on Siwan's head, his fingers brushing his dark hair calmly. When would he stop destroying everything?
