#metuspes

Dedicated to Tobi.

@metuspes | @metuspesmemorial 

Honestly, I don’t even know where to begin to express what it is I feel in my heart right now. It’s heavy. Scrolling my dash this evening, with you literally on my mind, just to pause at a post with big bold letters: Regarding Metuspes --------- made my heart stop. My eyes dreaded lowering, but as I did, I was faced with the heartbreaking news of your passing, my friend. I gasped. I stared at the screen for so long until I couldn’t see straight. And then I cried. I’m still crying, just like so many others all around the world. You changed my life, Tobi. You followed me waaaaay back when, and though we didn’t talk much at first, we finally did, and it has been an absolute joy since. You were so compassionate and kind; a gentleness offered to me, and to everyone despite the hurt you were feeling.

The more we talked, the more we got to know one another. We laughed and cried about our muses; shared our favorite stories ------ wrote together quite a lot. We had a chemistry; a friendship that brought me the energy and enthusiasm to log back in every day. You lit up my dash with everything you shared, and I couldn't help but smile with excitement every time I noticed you online. You welcomed me into your life, and I will cherish that friendship forever. You have the most beautiful soul, my dear friend; one that has impacted so, so many lives, and I pray you feel the love this community is pouring out just for you tonight.

It hurts so deeply knowing that I won’t have the chance to pop into your messenger to talk about our favorite detective and boy scout. I won’t get to tell you how much you’ve changed my life, and how much I appreciate the love you have given me from start to finish. You’ve made such a difference in my life, and I wish so badly that I could have taken away all of the pain you have felt. 

Above all else, I hope you are at peace, my dear. I hope all of your troubles have melted away, and weariness will be nevermore. I miss you so much I feel like I can hardly breath. As time goes on, we will all heal ----- but none of us will ever forget you, Tobi. You will live on in this community, reminding us just how important it is to be kind and gentle. To love ourselves, and to love others. 

I love you very much, my friend. I will miss you forever.

Thank you for being a part of my life. 

Thank you so, so much.

-Gabby. 

This doesn’t feel like the kind of thing that actually happens in real life - one of those things that happens to other people, or in fiction, or gets suggested by your paranoia over and over again so much that you learn to ignore the idea until it actually, literally happens. And by then there it is, and what can you do? No time to talk anymore, no time to intervene, and it’s not fair to demand that of yourself anyway, because hindsight is 20/20 and retrospect will tear you apart if you let it. Going to mirror Jude here in saying to everybody that this isn’t anybody’s fault, and that while guilt is inevitable and natural, it’s not deserved by anyone here.

Tobi was an amazing, friendly, talented person who happened to suffer from something a lot of us on here currently or have dealt with in the past. I’m devastated that she managed to reach the point where she felt she had no other option, but that’s the person I’m going to remember most clearly - the one I wish I’d had the chance to know even better, but then, you always assume that you’re going to have more time.

Tobi (@metuspes) has been absent for a while, as many of her followers and friends have noticed.  I (Jude aka @whoistommyelliot / @smileformc) found out on Tuesday, 07/26/16, that she passed away a week ago on Tuesday, 07/19/16.  She committed suicide.

I think a lot of us can agree that, as friends through the internet, this is one of our worst fears realized.

Tobi struggled with depression.  I talked to her about it on several occasions.  As someone with similar troubles, someone who has previously attempted myself, even I didn’t see this coming.  I know a lot of us, friends, family, myself included, are going to have thoughts of “what ifs” and regrets and shame about not having done something else.

I want everyone to know that this is not their fault.

Tobi was going to the doctor, even took medication, and had supports around her.  In my experience, she was always a silly and goofy kind of person.  There is no proper way to know what was happening or how to stop it.  Talking to her, she faced normal stresses like we all do.  The simple answer to what happened to her was DEPRESSION and CHANCE.  The depression was being treated, and there’s not much of anything you can do about the rest.

The reason this post is being made is to make sure all of her friends are aware.  If I hadn’t heard from her best friend @paisleylunarislupus or from her mother in a text message, I never would have known, and I think that would have been worse than anything else.

Another reason for the creation of @metuspesmemorial is to allow her friends and family to see what other people have to say about her.  If you want to make a post and @mention this blog, want to reblog this, want to send an ask, or make a submission, we will post/reblog it here.  If you don’t want your words to be public, but would like her family to see it, send this blog direct messages.

I will be giving Tobi’s family the login for this account.  I want them to be able to see the kind words our community has for her.  She was a kind, funny, and brilliant writer.  She was one of my best friends.  She’s had a large impact on this community, and I’ll never be the same without her.  I’m going to miss her so much.

​    Morning.

    Smell of coffee and rustle of newspaper gently roused John back into the land of the living. Usually waking was a jarring experience for him, but just lately -- or at least when Bruce spent the night at his flat -- it had become a slightly less traumatic event. Even still John wasn't much of a morning person and was silent as he padded from the bedroom, barely dressed. His eyes cut over to Bruce, sipping a cup of coffee, eyes fixed on the screen of his tablet as he read the news. On the other side of the table was a paper, with the parts John never cared for discarded into the rubbish bin. He couldn't quite repress a smile that effectively ruined his surly exterior.

    There was a pack of silk cuts and lighter next to the kettle and he lit up while he poured his coffee and added a bit of sugar. He never took any kind of milk or creamer. John didn't like the idea of diluting the deadly strong brew that he preferred. Settling in across from Bruce, the paper remained untouched. He told himself it was too early to read the typically narrow and tiny typeface of the newsprint, but his eyes were wandering. 

Send ‘✋’ to push and pin my muse down on their bed

​    It was some goddamned AM, the morning kind, not the sexy kind where you roll over into a sweaty heap with your lover, look at the clock, and laugh about how you'd "lost track of time." John was squinting out the dashboard window, bright morning sun in his eyes, and it would just figure Gotham would choose to have a bloody nice day.

    He was trying to tell himself that he wasn't nervous. John Constantine, master of the dark arts and personal enemy of the Devil himself, was not afraid of getting behind the wheel of a car. To a certain extent that was true. It had never been fear that had kept him from learning but the simple fact of it being more inconvenient for him than otherwise, between the costly upkeep and his own nomadic tendencies.

    His eyes cut over to the man currently in the driver's seat. John sipped coffee from a travel mug. Bruce had made it for him before they'd left his home, and his mind wandered back to the quietly affectionate morning. It was still faintly amusing to John that Chas had been trying to get him to at least try for decades, yet Bruce had managed to convince him with little more than a wide, mischievous grin and well placed teasing challenge. It was funny what a bloke would do for love -- Or maybe just a pretty face, and Bruce Wayne was gorgeous, so really, John had few paths of resistance.

    They were going outside the city to let loose John on the country roads. After a time, maybe an half an hour, John wagered, Bruce pulled over and grinned at him. Another reason John had been so keen to acquiesce: It seemed to make him exceedingly happy. He had a weakness for things that brightened his lover's frequently troubled moods.

    "You ready?"

    John shrugged, fiddled with his coffee cup, and exhaled a quiet "close enough in any case."

    He wasn't used to being out of his element, but for the moment he most certainly was. It made him anxious and he habitually lit a cigarette as he got out the passenger's side. If Bruce noticed his slight agitation, he didn't acknowledge it. -- Or maybe he did in own way as he met him crossing round the front of his car, stopped him by the shoulders, gave them a firm, fond squeeze, and assured him he’d do just fine.

    In the driver's seat, John frowned at the console. It had been a long time since he'd even attempted to drive any car and a lot had changed. He'd certainly never been behind the wheel of such an expensive vehicle. Beside him Bruce asked if he had any questions. Eyes focusing on the speedometer, John groused.

    "Yeah, why y'yanks gotta keep usin' an arse backwards system like Imperial?"

     Bruce just laughed and patted his knee affectionately. He wryly chided John for the vaguely Nationalist commentary. "It doesn't suit you."

    John couldn't quite keep from smiling. "Got me that pegged, eh? So y'gonna teach me this bloody manual shifter or y'wanna sort that business while I try t'remember what side the road 'm s'posed t'be drivin'?"