#messiah sam

{ barriers to trans-dimensional travels: messiah!sam }

the whispers never stop. they come from thousand voices in his head.

sometimes the whispers become soft prayers, coming from nowhere and everywhere at the same time. he enjoys those moments. there’s so much hope wavering around that Sam feels like basking in it for days. sometimes there’s a sea of pain amidst the hushed words, and he wishes he could do more than sit still and listen--but he doesn’t know how, so he listens. sometimes he prays too. it feels good, right.

sometimes, he feels like the whole Host of Heaven decided to sing in his head--and no matter what he tries, they never stop. he can’t make them stop. he can’t escape the thousand voices singing, humming, calling, begging-- begging for what, he wonders. but he never finds out.

he endures the voices in silent acceptance. no one would really understand. normal people would call him insane. his family... Dean has never been a man of faith. John has lost his along with Mary. but Sam doesn’t jugde them. he knows it’s hard to have faith nowadays. there’s so much evil out there and no matter what they do, no matter how many people they save, the darkness seems to grow stronger day after day.

maybe he’d have lost faith too-- if there wasn’t an angelical choir singing his name and calling him ‘saviour’ from time to time, voices laced with such devotion and love that no one’d be able to reject. he doesn’t understand them. he doesn’t question either. he accepts his role, even if he knows the path he’s taken is a long and very painful one.

it’s okay. there’s still reason to hope.

“Dean?” Sam calls softly, almost not wanting to have that conversation but he needs to. He needs to talk to someone else besides the heavenly choir in his head and he doesn’t want to know if he’s right or wrong in his assumptions.

Dean just looks up from his laptop, waiting patiently for Sam to continue. His big brother is such a great man sometimes that Sam feels ashamed for everything he’s done. He doesn’t deserve Dean, and he knows it--but he can’t let go, not yet, not now. And then Sam blinks to clear his thoughts, forcing the angelic voices away from his mind. He barely notices when Dean closes the laptop and moves to sit on the bed at Sam’s side, a hand resting on his the base of his neck in a familiar gesture.

It brings him comfort. It makes him feel safe, at home.

“What’s going on in this beautiful mind of yours, huh?” Dean asks, his thumb running up and down on Sam’s skin, touching his hair in a comforting way. It feels so good... “Does your head hurt?”

“It always hurt.” Sam sighs and leans into Dean’s touch, eyes closed so maybe he can ignore the stupid angels singing in his head for now. As if things could be so easy. “What if there’s something really wrong with me, Dean? What if-- I’m like Anna?”

Dean freezes for only a second but Sam feels his muscles tensing anyway.

“You’re not.” Dean finally says, and Sam wants to believe him so bad.

But he can’t. Not until he understands what he really is-- and he doesn’t want to be like Anna, or Castiel or Zachariah. He doesn’t want to be like those... angels. He’d rather give up on whatever made them angels and stick with Dean just like now. This, what they have... it’s good. It’s stable-- not perfect, but it’s what he wants.

“What if you’re wrong?” Sam asks slowly. He prays for Dean to be right. The choir in his head settle for a moment and then whisper hushed, sweet nothings back at him. It relaxes him a bit more. “I’m not...”

“I don’t care. We’ll fix this.”

And this time, Sam believes Dean.

He had what could only be described as an army behind him. Women, children, victims, hunters.. Grandfathers reliving old memories, children who would remember this for the rest of their life.

The time Sam Winchester led them to salvation.

They all followed him, as if they didn't have another choice. But this young man who'd found them was their saving grace. They had to get out, and he was the answer.

But while they were walking to find salvation, Sam was walking to find his brother.