MERRY FISHMAS

Seasonal heat comes in waves.

For this boy it starts right before Thanksgiving. My mind starts to stockpile a boat of ideas, of names / faces / who’s and who not’s. Quickly after that it begins to sort each and every one into general baskets with labeled questions and statements cleanly placed on the front.

“Hand written letter and Hot Sauce”

“Framed print of Lino Cut”

“Soap and Scarf”

I then pass through the Thanksgiving hoopla with a mild form of anxiousness, all deriving from self-imposed obligations / deadlines & death dates. December steps in like a dictator, pointing to the carving tools, the band saw, the bottle of fermenting sauces and demands action. Throughout the other 11 months of the year there is this voice and persona that speaks into my ear, albeit sporadic, telling me what “he” thinks and what it is “he” would like to see me doing. I have most recently named this person THE VOX. He is of grand stature, he has big eyes, he is mean, he is kind, he is angry, he is wild, he is free. HE MOVES ME, but I cover his mouth from time to time, I tell him “That is enough, I have had all I can stand for the moment”

I find that during the season of gift giving and receiving he is more uppity than others [seasons].

Once mid-December hits I become a conductor of ferocious devotion to the trade. I put all effort into the completion, whatever that may be. I shirk works of other nature, I become maliciously focused and THE VOX won’t stop his jabber. He barks out orders, demands that I obey, and I, like the jester, dance to the tune, atleast, until this year. I can’t quite put my finger on the EXACT threads that wove me into feeling such desperation about the “holidays”. I started to become disgusted with myself, with my own self-serving craftual / gift giving behaviors. I wanted it to stop, just cease to be. Is this ba-humbug? I don’t “think” so, it’s a balloon that’s been over filled with helium.

Even as I write this I feel like a clod of a fella.

But it IS how I am SEEING IT, and I have duct taped the mouth of THE VOX, for a moment of pause, reflection. BUT NO, I am not reflecting,

I am staring, straight into the white wall.

Two days ago, I decided I would release musics for the holiday. I wasn’t even sure what I was going to do for it.

I still don’t.

Over the last two years I have recorded a multitude of songs. Some are terrible. Some are Ok. Some are not mine. Some are. Some are about this. Some are about that.

The concept of the whole thing made me feel, after not feeling so much.

(BUT WHAT DID THE VOX HAVE TO SAY ABOUT THIS??)

I wasn’t sure WHAT THE VOX had to say about it, he was still taped shut. I landed on a collection of 9 songs that I have recorded over the course of the last 2-3 years.  I initially started with the Holiday theme, but that only got me so far. I then, shortly after, peppered in sentiments that have become tangled in regard to self, to love, to country, to life.

Shape was becoming semi-visible.

I heard a tearing.

I looked behind me.

THE VOX was angry.

Joshua