Literally no one asked and I've had this in my drafts since the beginning of the month but I thought I'd give a (not so) quick rundown of my queerness now that Pride Month has finally rolled around!
Warning: lots of yapping under the cut.
Gender: Nonbinary (specifically agender)
ID: Two pride flags.
The first is the nonbinary pride flag, with four symmetrical horizontal stripes of yellow, white, purple, and black.
The second is the agender pride flag, with seven symmetrical horizontal stripes of black, gray, white, green, white, gray, and black.
(End ID)
Agender: Without gender (literal meaning); not having a gender; the feeling of a gender is absent.
(I know there are several definitions for agender according to the wiki but this is the one that resonates the most with me.)
Now maybe it's the autism but I fundamentally do not understand gender conventions or what it means to feel connected to a specific gender ā I just went almost two whole decades thinking I was cis because I was told "you were born with a female body and thus are A Girl", and since I didn't (and still don't) experience gender dysphoria, I didn't think to question it. I never felt like A Girl, but I didn't mind being perceived as one or thinking of myself as one. I mean I don't like having boobs but that's due to sensory issues and not dysphoria.
But then Things happened, and just like every other agender person I've encountered, I said "I'm not doing any of that" and I feel more free than I ever have, because for the first time I'm... actually viewing myself as a human being rather than limiting my perceptions of myself according to the gender binary. I still don't have a very strong sense of self for... reasons I don't want to get into, but realising I'm agender has been a huge step in the right direction for me.
I still wear the hijab, which automatically means I'm perceived as a woman, but I don't mind most of the time because. You know. Overall lack of gender dysphoria and everything. Apart from the hijab itself, I wear more masc clothing because 1) most dresses are sensory nightmares for me, and 2) I don't like how femme they make me look/feel. (I solely wear jersey hijabs anyway, plus I view my hijab as my personal dedication to Allah (SWT) rather than a reflection of my gender identity, so I've never felt femme/dysphoric wearing it.)
I use she/they/he pronouns because pronouns are just words to me and I don't feel any differently when any of them are used, but I hate any sort of gendered terms (masculine or feminine) being used in relation to me... though I don't mind them in more casual/friendly settings (e.g. "girl", "dude", "bro") as long as you alternate between masculine, feminine, and gender-neutral terms. I don't always mind "woman" from people I haven't come out to because I'm still perceived as one and still affected by attacks against women's rights, but if I've come out to you... please. Don't call me a woman. Also, when I'm spoken to/about in Arabic, I prefer people alternate between the masculine and feminine versions of the words/verbs/etc ā my very conservative tayta does that unintentionally and she doesn't realise how affirming it is for me.
TL;DR: Exercise creative liberty when referring to me ā I just want to be viewed as a human being and not be put in a box!
Sexual Orientation: Asexual (specifically apothisexual and nebulasexual)
ID: Two pride flags.
The first is the apothisexual pride flag, with five horizontal stripes of purple, white, black, white, and red; and a big black "X" in the centre of the flag.
The second is the nebulasexual pride flag, with seven symmetrical horizontal stripes of dark green, blueish-green, yellowish-green, white, pastel orange, dark orange, and dark brownish-orange.
(End ID)
Apothisexual: Someone who identifies as asexual and finds sex and/or sexual activity to be disgusting or uncomfortable. Individuals who use this term are affected by sex in the media to varying degrees, and may try to avoid its presence altogether. This term should not be confused with 'sex-negative', which means finding sex immoral.
Parents/community members/religious leaders: "no sex before marriage!!! Sex before marriage is one of the gravest sins you can commit, so you must suppress those urges!!!"
My little sex-repulsed ace self not wanting to have sex ever because the mere idea of making out with someone (let alone having sex with them) is distressing and uncomfortable: "what like it's hard"
Don't get it twisted, I'm one of the most sex-positive people you'll ever meet ā I'm just repulsed by sex. I've known since I found out what sex was that I never wanted to have it, and as I've already said, I find the mere thought of having sex myself distressing and uncomfortable. I'm usually fine with mentions of/discussions about sex if they're not graphic, but I don't read smut or erotica (fanfiction, books, or otherwise), and if a piece of media has a sex scene in it, I'll skip over it entirely.
Nebulasexual: Where one cannot tell if they experience sexual attraction or not due toĀ neurodivergenceĀ and/or intrusive thoughts/urges/images. One who is nebulasexual might want sex or a sexual relationship, but they do not know if they experience attraction.
Now... this one is a little trickier for me to discuss because it brings me a lot of shame but eh, I might as well go all in. During my journey of self-discovery, I had to unlearn the idea that asexuality meant simply "not wanting to have sex", because it's possible to experience sexual attraction but not want it reciprocated or to act on it. Except... I have a lot of sex-related intrusive thoughts due to my OCD, and though I know that I don't want a sexual relationship, I often find it very difficult to determine whether or not I still experience attraction that I just don't want reciprocated or to act upon due to those intrusive thoughts. You should've seen the way my face lit up when I discovered that nebulasexuality was a thing because I think it sums me up perfectly.
Romantic Orientation: Aromantic (specifically apothiromantic)
ID: Two pride flags.
The first is the aromantic pride flag, with five symmetrical horizontal stripes of green, light green, white, grey, and black.
The second is the apothiromantic pride flag, with five horizontal stripes of green, white, black, white, and red; and a big black "X" in the centre of the flag.
(End ID)
Apothiromantic: A person who does not feel any romantic attraction and is repulsed or disgusted by it.
Very very similar to my experiences with being apothisexual. I don't want a romantic relationship, and lots of romance-related things make me physically ill. My romance repulsion does fluctuate, though ā I find most romance-centric media uncomfortable to consume (and, if I do consume it, I lose interest the moment the couple gets together), but I'm usually okay with romance as a sideplot, and I can enjoy the romance itself if I enjoy the characters' dynamic in the absence of romance.
Speaking of which, in terms of shipping, I'm usually fine with romantic interpretations of pairings I like, mostly because I'm desperate for content of them and I can temporarily set aside my discomfort. It also helps that I believe romance is socially constructed because there's no such thing as inherently romantic gestures, but that's for another time.
I'm not going to spend too much time here because...
Alterous Attraction: Exteramo
ID: Two pride flags.
The first is the alterous pride flag, with four symmetrical horizontal stripes of yellow, grey, pink, and red.
The second is the exteramo pride flag, with five symmetrical horizontal stripes of peach, pastel pink, blush pink, dark blue, and black.
(End ID)
Alterous: A form ofĀ emotional attractionĀ and desire for emotional closeness. It describes a feeling that is not necessarilyĀ platonic, but also is notĀ romanticĀ in nature. For some it may be in between romantic and platonic attraction, and for others it may be completely separate from the romantic/platonic distinction.
Exteramo: A form ofĀ attractionĀ that is neitherĀ romanticĀ norĀ platonicĀ nor anywhere in between them. It exists entirely outside of platonic and romantic attraction.
Oooh boy this part of my identity is a doozy. It's probably the most important part of my queerness and yet it's the hardest for me to articulate. Essentially... you know the beach scene in The Summer Hikaru Died where Hikaru tells Yoshiki that his feelings for him are neither platonic nor romantic, and (at least in the anime) that they're probably different to what humans experience entirely? Yeah that's basically how I feel about every non-familial relationship I've ever had.
I have two extremes when it comes to how I feel about people: 1) I like being around you, I'll be nice to you and help you when you need it, but I don't feel too strongly about you specifically, or 2) I love you so much I need to merge souls with you to fully communicate the gravity of my feelings for you and no it's not Like That. Literally no in between. For a more in-depth explanation/exploration... *points to Hikaru* it's his whole thing.
I've never fully understood what distinguishes romance from platonic attraction ā all I know is that I don't experience what I define as romantic attraction (based on how I've heard alloromantics describe it), and whatever attraction I do experience... I don't feel comfortable calling it wholly platonic, even if I do refer to anyone I experience exteramo attraction to as my friend. (I do consider myself aplatonic as a result, but I'm still figuring that one out.) Attraction is always a Secret Third Thing for me, because the way I feel love is unquantifiable! I just want to be close to the person ā so much so it feels like my bones are being crushed by the weight of it all but again. Not Like That. I simply have so much love inside me and I feel it all so deeply and so intensely that there isn't enough room in my body to contain it all and I feel like my insides are about to spill out of me as a result.
Sensual Attraction: Asensual (specifically aegosensual and merosensual)
ID: Two pride flags.
The first is the aegosensual pride flag, with horizontal stripes of peach orange, white, and grey, intersected by black triangles forming an inverted chevron in the centre of the flag.
The second is the merosensual pride flag, with five symmetrical horizontal stripes of dark grey, mint green, blush pink, light grey, and blush orange.
(End ID)
Asensual: A lack ofĀ sensual attraction. Asensual experiences may also include: not wanting to touch others and/or be touched by others, not being interested in sensual activities, or being repulsed by touch. Sensual attraction is defined as the desire to have nonsexual forms of touch such as cuddling, kissing, or massage with another individual in particular.
Aegosensual: AĀ microlabelĀ on theĀ asensual spectrumĀ that describes those who have a disconnection between themself and the subject of sensual fantasies. Aegosensuals may have sensual fantasies and enjoy viewing sensuality in media, but they generally feel little to noĀ sensual attractionĀ and typically do not desire to engage in sensual touch (such as kissing, hugging, cuddling, massages, caressing, etc.) with another individual.
Merosensual: A term for someone who isĀ okay with/interestedĀ in some sensual acts butĀ repulsed/averseĀ to others.
Touch is... a weird thing to me. I don't enjoy most forms of physical contact, and especially not contact that is unprompted or when someone else is initiating it. Which is funny because my fics involve the characters being very touchy with one another and I'm. Not like that at all. Hence the aegosensuality of it all. Physical touch looks like it feels so good... too bad I get too easily overstimulated for physical displays of affection that aren't really tight hugs or deep-pressure cuddles (either you don't touch me at all or you crush me. No in between.), and even those I'm uncomfortable with unless they're from someone I'm already close to. I can still Push Through It (I'm Lebanese and Arabs tend to be very touchy, and while I hate touching strangers, I had it hammered into me from a very young age that refusing a hug or kiss from an older person especially was rude, and so I kind of had no choice but to go along with it and it's... a hard habit to break), but that doesn't make it any less uncomfortable.
I also just... don't really feel The Need to engage in sensual acts. I don't like hand-holding or any sorts of kisses or massage, and the aforementioned really tight hugs or deep-pressure cuddles are more so for self-regulatory purposes or because I like the sensory experience of being squished rather than because I feel sensually attracted to the other person. Though if one of my friends ever wanted to cuddle, I'd be okay with it! As long as I'm the one doing The Holding and not Being Held.
I'm still the biggest advocate for non-romantic physical contact though! Like yeah I think we should normalise non-romantic kissing and cuddling and hand-holding because if there are more available options for expressing affection (without breaching personal boundaries, of course), why should we ignore them? This paragraph was ghostwritten by Hoshiumi KÅrai.
n e ways that's me! This is my first Pride Month since coming out and I'm... honestly so proud of how far I've come and how much more comfortable I am with myself. Yes I feel like A Void most of the time (I have no gender and the attraction I do experience is Its Own Thing), and I still have days rife with internalised queerphobia, but I've gotten a lot better at accepting the fact that maybe, just maybe, I'm allowed to be A Void. Maybe I don't need to be Normal.
