Saw a link this fine morn to Noted Good "The Toast" (RIP) Post "Things I’ve Learned About Heterosexual Female Desire From Decades Of Reading" and clicked though to read it again. (Note tag on original article: "when i say 'reading' i mean fan fiction obviously". *holds hands up to hide row of AO3 Jynnic tabs* No, not mad at it.) Me: *reads article*

Whenever possible, a man should have a cruel mouth, particularly if he has blue eyes – the bluer the eyes, the crueler the mouth; a man with cornflower-blue eyes should have a mouth like a genocide

Me: Yes... go on.

If he can’t have a cruel mouth, he should have strong and callused hands, sort of rough but surprisingly gentle, like if it turned out his hands were actually made of doves [...] every day he builds you a four-poster sleigh bed

Me: Hang on.

every day he builds you a four-poster sleigh bed DEATH STAR out of oak and devotion and needs to have wordless but noisy sex on the hour [...]

Me: *blushes*

If a man is calm 100% of the time

Me: ... not 100% of the time, no.

like so calm that he’s mostly dead, and he only gets boners for his job, because he loves his job so much and he’s always sitting at a desk or standing with a phone doing his job, but then all of a sudden he can’t stop getting boners for one specific woman and he’s mad at her from how much she’s distracting him from his job, which has never happened before, because he’s literally never been attracted to even a single woman in the history of being alive in his own body until right now and he’s going to straight up murder you with sex because it turns out all that sedate studiousness he thought was his personality was actually the calm before the dick storm