heads up: if you useĀ āloveā to describe how i feel about people in my life, you can slingshot yourself into the sun, because i donāt feel love for people.
elaboration: as an autistic, schizo-spec, dissociated mess of a person, understanding whatĀ āloveā means, and is, is extremely difficult because interpersonal love (and the usage of the term) is heavily dependent upon context extrapolated from social interactions as well as interpersonal history and dynamics, both of which are difficult for a neurodivergent fuck like me to interpret on a good day.
on top of that, i was abused for most of my life by people whoĀ ālovedā me and would justify their actions out ofĀ āloveā, and have their actions justified by other people asĀ āloveā. sure, they loved me, but they also made me want to die, multiple times. and so, love from people hurts.
i donāt experience nebulous emotions about people, i experience very specific ones. i respect people that respect me. i care about people i care about. i trust people who have proven that they can be trusted. i understand people who have taken the time to let me understand them. those things may constituteĀ āloveā, but it doesnāt feel likeĀ āloveā to me: it feels like respect, caring, trust, and understanding.
iām proud of being a loveless aro. i donāt want to be anything but a loveless aro. iām fine with being seen as heartless for not experiencing interpersonal love. so when you sayĀ āaros arenāt heartlessā, youāre excluding me, and people like me.
