#melonotes

I will be finishing the fic ‘sunflower’ by May and putting ‘knew from the first’ on hiatus indefinitely. There are a few reasons for this: 

1) I am nearly done with ‘sunflower,’ and I want to commit what time I have to completing my goodbye fic to klance. 

2) I don’t have the same love that I used to for writing ‘knew from the first.’ I’ve had that story for so long in my drafts that I’ve exhausted the plot line in my own head, and despite the months that have gone by and the distance I’ve put between myself and that story, I don’t find myself excited to write it. 

3) There’s a lot of personal goals I need to accomplish this year, one of them being my 2nd novel. There’s a deadline I have to meet, and I know if I don’t dedicate my absolute all to writing that piece, I’ll regret it forever. 

Honestly, I’ve been really disappointed in myself and a little heartbroken that I couldn’t finish ‘knew from the first’ before V/D ended. I’m so sorry I couldn’t give you guys and everyone who’s been reading and following and supporting that story the proper ending it deserves. I appreciate you guys so, so much for the love you’ve shown vampire Keith and dancer Lance. The comments you guys left me brightened my day every time. 

my recent short fic post got more traction than i expected; thank you for all the interest!! ♡ several people asked for a link, and the answer to that is: there isn’t a link! for now at least. in the future, i’d like to compile a series of shorts together and maybe post them on ao3, under the title ‘the magic shop.’ i love the concept of werewolf keith and witch lance a lot, so i’ll definitely write more for them. 

If any of you follow me on twitter, you’ll know that at the beginning of this month, I decided to quit the MCAT and stop pursuing medical school.

Becoming a doctor is something I’ve worked towards since I was 5 years old. “Do you want to be a lawyer or doctor?” my traditional Asian parents had asked. And I told them, doctor, because I didn’t want to argue with people. I’d much rather heal them. I knew that about myself, at least, even then.

But the thing is, being a doctor was never my idea, and I’ve struggled with this my whole life. As the eldest child of a 1st generation immigrant family, I wanted to make my parents proud. I wanted to pay them back for all the sacrifices they’ve made for me. I always felt guilty and ashamed and terrified whenever I didn’t get good grades or felt doubt about doing what I thought they expected of me.

So I built my life and my aspirations around my parents. I told myself that was okay. I still do think that my mindset about that was never wrong, but it was that mindset that ultimately crippled me.

Because if I’m really honest to myself, honest to whatever God out there in the universe, what I really want to do in life, is write.

Writing is the one thing I’ve ever done purely for myself. Writing is what makes me get up in the mornings and stay up at night. Writing is what makes me forget time and hardships. Writing is what makes me happy, even when there’s a sentence or word that keeps giving me grief. I like that struggle. I love surpassing it. I love words and phrases and how they make me feel. I love writing words and phrases that make other people feel.

I wish I had the backbone when I was younger and told myself I could’ve pursued whatever I wanted, as long as I could make a living for myself and give back to my parents gradually. Foolishly, desperately, I convinced myself I had to be a doctor. And now, after casting that entire aspect of my life away, I’m struggling to pick myself together. 

To be honest, it’s been really, really hard. I’m trying to keep my spirits up, but most days it’s hard to get out of bed, and some days it’s even hard to write. My parents are beyond disappointed and ashamed of me. I’ve broken their hearts and I can’t blame them. I’ve broken mine too. I’m just trying my best to heal as quickly as possible.

My dream, my real dream, is to publish a book someday. An original story that hopefully people will read. Maybe I’ve gone crazy thinking this is something I can achieve. Maybe it will never come true. But at least I can tell myself that I tried. I tried to live my own life. I tried I tried I tried. 

Whatever it is you dream of in life, follow it. Please. No matter what!! Don’t be like me and put it off. Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. 

hey robin! yup, definitely happens to me a lot, though it used to happen more. 

something that’s worked for me is going back and rereading, maybe even all the way back to the bare bones of the story plan, and asking myself what exactly i set out to convey. questions like, ‘why does the plot have to go in this direction’ or ‘what’s motivating this character again?’ that not only helps me get back in touch but also opens up new options/ideas that i hadn’t thought of. 

if i’m really really dissociating from a story and about to give up, writing something new and completely different helps me, too. doesn’t have to be long or perfectly edited, just a short snippet that’s fun and easygoing. i don’t know if it’s the same for you, but often when i lose touch, it’s because i’ve exhausted/burned out the story inside my own head, so working on something new helps fuel my brain back up in a way lol. 

and lastly, i can’t stress enough how helpful and important it is to simply take a break from what you’re writing! from writing in general. i know there’s a heavy sense of guilt to that, but there really shouldn’t be. it’s just like how our bodies need sleep to recuperate; it’s absolutely necessary! and taking a break from writing doesn’t have to mean a lack of productivity. for example, whenever i’m not writing, i’m reading. when i read other people’s works, i learn new writing techniques and phrasings and get inspired. then i’ll go back to my own work feeling refreshed. 

12. Have you ever written a fic and decided never to publish it? Why?

-- A lot of drafts/wips that will never see the light of day. Sometimes I’ll publish something and take it down later, too. It’s an issue of personal satisfaction I guess? I really do think I’m my own worst critique, which is both good and debilitating. 

14. What’s the biggest change in your taste between when you started in fandom and today?

-- Mmm, for VLD fandom/KL fandom specifically, I have a more concrete idea of how I see the characters, so my taste has definitely become more specific? That’s the least controversial way to put it, lol. 

31. Who’s the one character you’ve just never managed to get perfectly right?

-- I don’t think I get any of the characters ‘perfectly right’ lol, so I’m always flattered/happy to hear that someone finds my characterization accurate.