#melonkooky rant

like i have this crush and i liked him in sixth grade and then i kinda forgot about him for a few years and here i am in twelfth grade, six years later, hating myself for liking someone who i know will never notice me. i know he knows i exist because we’ve talked once or twice and we’ve been going to school together for years, so i know nothing will ever happen 😔😔😔😔😔😔😔

and then i had to go to school today for an “orientation” thing, meaning i just walked around the school looking for my classes and locker, and now i’m depressed again. like, i’m a fucking senior now. im in 12th grade. i’ve been going to this same school since i was in kindergarten. i’ve been going to this fucking school for 12 years, and it’ll be 13 soon. earlier i was angry when my mom said that it was a home to me, that i grew up there. but sitting here now, at home hours later, she’s right. and now i don’t want to leave. i really don’t want to grow up. i don’t want to graduate and go to college. i don’t want to move out and live on my own, with a job (if i can even fucking get one), and have to pay bills, and be an adult. i’m scared, i’m fucking terrified. i’m not mature for my age (in my opinion), i don’t know how to cook for myself, or to be independent because i get anxious when i do things on my own. i hate being independent because for one, it gives me anxiety yes, but two because it reminds me of the times i had to have a parent supervise me, like the times i was too young to be left alone in the car or at the house. i’m barely able to drive by myself to places. i know i just have to try and learn how. i cant do anything to stop this. i just have to deal with it, and get over it. i was doing so well this summer. although slightly depressed from job hunting, but decent. and now, it’s just all gone down the drain. i’m just...i’m depressed again. i don’t want to grow up. i’m not ready. i don’t know what to do. i fucking hate time, especially for going so fast.

i think i might have a crush on my best friend, who’s a girl might i add. we’re both bisexual. back in april, we had a conversation about us having the possibility of liking each other more than friends. this happened after prom. so she tried to get to know me more and we talked for a while. i kinda was excited. but she kept asking me tho if i still liked her in that way. and i always kinda held back like “i’m not sure.” and all that. and her parents wouldn’t accept that she’s bisexual i think. like she kept mentioning that she was worried about her parents and didn’t want them to find out. so she was very worried about that (but i think it just was that she realized she didn’t like me in that way??) but then one day, we kinda admitted that perhaps it was just the spirit of prom and us going together as dates that caused feelings, but they were platonic feelings. and we left it at that. and i was fine with it. but since school started, and we’ve been hanging out and talking again, it seems that’s all i think about. the other day, she asked me that question again if i might still have feelings for her because she noticed that i seemed to look at her a certain way, whatever that means. i told her it was just because she’s my friend and she probably said something that made me laugh or something. but anyway, i kinda want something her, but i’m also kinda skeptical about my feelings i guess. like perhaps i’m just so desperate for a relationship or i just crave affection and attention. idk, i just think we’d be cute i guess. especially since if we did date, she would be the very first girl i date (she’s already dated one but they broke up years ago. it’s personal and i’m glad she deleted her tumblr because she was following me at some point 😂😂😂😂). but yeah. i think i just want someone to date me.