#melmonium

Deals… can suck. Klaarg didn’t like the person he was when he was angry and, since he was almost permanently short of funds because of that, acquiring something to help was… problematic. There was only one place where he could trade other things for what he needed.

“YOU UNDERSTAND I NORMALLY TRADE IN BODY PARTS OR BLOOD,” said Garfield, the Deals Warlock. “I’VE RARELY OWNED A COMPLETE PERSON BEFORE!”

“Uuuh,” said Klaarg. “I don’t think that’s exactly legal. The Bureau of Benevolence is gonna have a fit…”

“ONLY IF THEY FIND OUT, AND I HAVE A CURSED NDA AS PART OF MY PERMANENT EMPLOYEE CONTRACT!”

“I didn’t sign any such thing,” said Klaarg. “And now I’m not going to.”

Garfield’s mysterious form crackled with eldritch energy. “I SHOULD REMEMBER TO NDA MY NDA,” he said, “BUT IF YOU WANT THAT AMULET OF CALM EMOTION, YOU’LL SIGN IT ANYWAY. THAT’S THE DEEEEEEEAAAALLLLL…”

Which was why Klaarg was wearing a Fantasy Costco uniform and working the seemingly infinite, labyrinthine shelves of the Fantasy Costco. All in all, it wasn’t that bad. One short rest to eat and one long rest to sleep each day. Mind-numbing work and he got to request the use of the Amulet during work hours when the customers were being dipshits. Of course, because he was under contract, the ability to use that amulet depended entirely on Garfield’s mood at that particular hour.

Which was, as co-incidence would have it, not particularly beneficial during most hours.

“CALLING ALL WHOLLY-OWNED SUBSIDIARIIIIEEEEES,” caterwauled Garfield over the Fantasy Speakers. “INCIDENT IN AISLE SEVENTEEEEEEN!”

Aaaah, crap. There was only one thing that ‘incident’ could mean. Customers being dipshits. Klaarg ran over to Aisle Seventeen before the magical compulsion could kick in and pilot him over there. He hated that, and he was already in a bad enough mood today.

The three figures near Garfield were too familiar, too problematic, too much…

“It’s Klaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrg!” Cheered the big one with the sideburns. Magnus.

“Aaah, crap,” sighed the smallest one with flowers in his beard. Merle.

The third figure, so familiar and not too familiar at the same time triggered something within Klaarg’s artificially augmented brain. “Taako, my good friend! How may I help your Fantasy Costco experience today?”

“THIS IS NOT PART OF YOUR CONTRACT,” said Garfield. “I NEED YOU TO DEEEEAAAAL WITH THESE MISCREANTS.”

This was why he needed the Amulet of Calm Emotion in the first place. To still artificial instincts like this for all time. He felt compelled to obey Garfield’s whims, and he also felt compelled to be friendly towards Taako. At least until the unlikeliest random trigger set off the famous Bugbear temper and the desire to kill rose to the surface. Klaarg didn’t like himself when he was angry.

Garfield had three unbreakable rules. One - service with a smile. If there is anything more terrifying than a smiling Bugbear, it’s probably an Illithid with an agenda. Nevertheless, Klaarg felt his face twist against his will into a big, happy smile. Two - Garfield is always right. “Yes, sir. Certainly, sir. How may I deal with them, sir?”

Taako raised an eyebrow. “This is certainly beyond weird, even for here. You okay there, Klaarg m’man?”

“Of course I’m okay. Service with a smile!”

“Like that isn’t disturbing as fuck,” muttered Merle.

Magnus didn’t take long to put two and two together. “Yeah, we’ve been through this sort of thing before. Geas and all that kind of nonsense. Nobody ever wards against the blink twice if you’re working against your will kind of deal.”

Klaarg wasn’t that slow either. He took two very deliberate blinks whilst looking the Ruff Boi square in the eye. Then winced as Garfield’s cursed NDA magic interacted with the malfunctioning chip that he had been trying to counteract.

Impending chaos and destruction goes (~bzzt~) so quietly that only a trained ear could hear it.

Which Taako did. “Aaw, shit…” he muttered.

Roll for initiative…

❀✺❀

Taako had a small card that he had idly shoplifted as he had entered the store. It was a Free Trial Before Purchase, and it was Break The Game powerful. He invoked the card by reading it out loud. “The bearer of this card and three allies,” read Taako, touching Magnus, Merle, and Klaarg, nominating them, “to automatic use without attunement to any magical item within the realm of the Fantasy Costco store in which it is enacted. Once a client or an ally leaves the limits of that Fantasy Costco store, the offer ends instantly.”

“Oh fuck,” said Garfield.

“Grab some shit and start blasting,” said Taako, already reaching for something potentially cataclysmic that would definitely involve tentacles.

Magnus had already dived towards a necklace of fireballs, not even bothering with unlocking the glass case.

This at least ended Klaarg’s rage towards Taako. “You’d… do that?”

“Sure thing m’dude. Common enemy and all.” Taako nodded to indicate the Deals Warlock. “You up for our brand of horseshit?”

Something in his head went (~bzzt~). “SURE,” Klaarg roared.

❀✺❀

It was later. Seven kinds of horseshit had happened. There were teams from the Bureau of Benevolence containing the devastation. Smoke plumed out over an otherwise quiet evening sky.

“Banned from Fantasy Costco for another year,” sighed Taako. “If I had a quarter for every time that happened…”

“Aren’t we up to like four fifty?” said Merle.

“Five dollars and seventy-five cents,” corrected Magnus. “We really need to find somewhere else to shop.”

Klaarg stirred and moaned.

Taako very deliberately dangled a certain amulet in front of his snout. “Before you think about resuming that battle order, I thought you’d like to know I swiped you this on the way out. Fire sale discount.”

“Don’t you mean five-fingered discount?”

“Oh no. It’s fire sale. Reward for saving Garfield from the deadly peril you two chucklefucks put him in. I mean, who tries to cast Zone of Truth on the Evil Lord of Tentacles and Lies? You’re lucky he only exploded and you didn’t manifest a black hole or some shit.”

“On the plus side, we did learn from our lesson,” said Magnus. “Never smashing a Bottle o’ Demon on the floor again.”

“You say that now…” sighed Taako wistfully. “Anyway. Klaarg. Our… tolerated associate… This will need attunement, but it’s officially yours. Merry Candlenights.”

As the amulet came to rest in Klaarg’s paw, he felt the third and final obligation from Garfield come to fruition, thereby breaking the geas, the cursed NDA, and his contract all in one. As the Amulet of Calm Emotion came to rest around his neck, it rang true in his mind.

Three - Profit.