#meditationdiary

i feel heady. like i got stoned. i feel like sitting in a quiet space, feel volatile, in the sense that i'll explode into laughter at the silliest thing.

we spoke about detachment today again. today my mind was more in the fore than before. i just said my japas and moved into meditation, let the cool breeze wash the effects of my prayers over me like hindus wash deities in temples.

she kept saying i am the wind, i am the trees, everything i see is just me. and then i remembered A Course in Miracles and inserted the understanding that that does not mean any of this exists, they don't. this is me, there is nothing else. it is just me and kali.

which is funny, cos that would have made me really sad and lonely a while ago. like, whaaatt! what about romeo? but now i dont seem to mind. i do not know if its because my the fear of rejection that was is causing me to reject love even before it presents itself or because i genuinely love playing with kali. i think it could be a mixture of experience and play. i know that any time i take my eye off the ball kali and i are playing with to chase after a pentacle that rolled by it disappears and i never catch it, such is the ego's experience. so now, i notice the things rolling by and have learnt to be aware of my ego's silent yearnings to give chase. i continue to play ball with kali. because she is the only truth. everything else is maya. nein, there is nothing else.

she provokes me to move sexually, past the shame ive accumulated over sexual expression like a bolder, never to open. but if sinbad could tresspass into the cave of the 40 bandits, i surely can tresspass the gates i'd shamed myself into laying. like naruto, i want to see the eye of the beast. i do not want to tame it. but i want to allow it to express itself. let life express itself through me.

i read the story kali gave me again and again and it was so much fun. my ego takes pride in our relationship. i watch. sometimes i feel sorry for the ego and then i become aware of the I that feels sorry for it. all of it is without meaning. and not in a nihilist way, but lovingly. like telling a child that there is no monster under his bed.

that child was me, that monster was also me. haha. kali likes that. smart line.

what did that handsome chap say - oh wait, handsome chaps, handsome chaps. divine masculine. what should i do with the job offering?

the heart only yearns to apply, all the surrounding concerns and worries have to be prefixed by appointment, which is all the ego's quota to worry about - expectations. the only thing the heart yearns to do is apply. just like the only thing the heart yearned to do was text. everything else was expectations of the ego. like cramming information on the exam day: unnecessary, excessive. so we set forth.

haha, im curious about IK-series. durga, oh durga, where you at wise one?

What did the handsome chap say, "flow state"?