Day 51
Every morning I consider what I have to do that day and it’s overwhelming. My mind can’t seem to separate the present and the future. So the things I actually have to do today get mixed up with longer term responsibilities. Not making much sense here.
I did meet with the mover yesterday so that is, um… in motion! Having to negotiate with my husband about what we’re moving now, what will go into storage, all of his books, record albums… He can at least see why I can’t rush this. We’re paying thousands of dollars in any event. Might as well try and get this right. Because there is no way we can take it all. Mind blowing.
The roads were slippery yesterday so I didn’t go to a meeting. Must explain this to my sponsor in sunny Florida. Are all sponsors suspicious sounding? Perhaps it’s just the stupid cell phones. I hate them! Most of the time it sounds like someone is mumbling and if everyone is like me, they are simultaneously checking their email, doing dishes, talking to someone who is actually in the room with them…
I’m trying to change this about myself. Be Here Now. A book from the 1960s- Ram Dass, I believe.  That concept flew over my head when I first heard it and now that I’m actually trying to do it, I understand why he had to write the book in the first place. Being here now, hurts! Some of the time, at least. And that’s what I want to avoid. Pain.
Recovery is a full time job. I have to eat, pray, write, meditate, call my sponsor, go to meetings, exercise, read, recreate, take care of animals, clean, bathe, cook, shop, engage with other people, oh and sleep. By the time I’ve done all that, I’m exhausted!
I do feel blessed to be here and have the time to live in this house without my husband. I’ve been separated from him before when he worked on the west coast and once in New York, but his presence was always looming. Sounds bitter for me to say it that way, but it’s true. Now I’m actually free and the freedom has been won by not drinking. He cannot upset me if I don’t let him. He’s not likely to drop in and frankly, he’s so busy he can barely criticize me. Sounds so harsh! I’m sorry, Husband.
I’m learning that if I don’t get invested in an outcome, I can actually have some serenity in my life. And I have to let go of “the outcome” every hour. Dwelling on outcomes, good or bad, is a way be stuck in the past. Be here now. Might have to get a tattoo.
Josie M., 01/20/2016
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