The Price of Trying
We survive in a world where weāre constantly hounded by expectations of all sorts. Whether weāre torturing ourselves by trying to slim down into the dress which is deemed almost impossible to fit into or maintaining a double life in social media, weāre consumed by the need to represent ourselves as better and more interesting. We harbor the strongest desire that people will shower us with compliments all the time while finding ways to put down others in order to feel gratified about ourselves.
Before you label me as cynical, I assure you Iām not entirely pessimistic. I believe in working hard, giving back and most importantly, treating people the way you want to be treated. Of course, Iāve had my large share of blunders when Iāve blurted out insensitive things in front of the wrong people, and being overtly defensive about my opinions, even when they were wrong. Lately, Iāve been trying to be more aware of the things Iām saying. Iāve begun thinking twice before opening my mouth. Iāve also hurt myself by pretending to be something that Iām not. I shouldnāt try to say anything to counter reality and portray a positive but mostly false image of myself, I decided. However, a few days after my twenty-first birthday, my determination to remain true to myself, being more honest and treating people the way I want to be treated, came to a test. I was talking to a few guests at a party my parents were giving. Itās been nearly a year since Iāve come to Bangladesh, and I could immediately tell that one of the guests (whom I met for the first time in my life) already had certain preconceived notions about my experiences, and of course, my character. Starting from an unnecessary jibe at my age and appearance to showcasing visible disdain throughout the entirety of the conversation, the whole thing felt quite draining. And absolutely unnecessary.Ā āYou donāt know anything about the way universities here run,ā my guest remarked snidely, after I casually commented that Physicsāwhich she was majoring in and talking aboutāhas always been difficult to me when I studied in school. No, I donāt know how universities here run, because the Internet is something Iāve never learned to use, I thought to myself, feeling irritated that my attempts to fill the awkward gaps in the conversation were being met with such a reaction. Iāve also never listened to my friends studying here, either.
I tried not to take noticeāit was a small thing, wasnāt it?āthinking I was perhaps being the dramatic one. As I talked to another guest, whoād last come to Bangladesh nearly eleven years ago, about how a potential trip to St. Martinās Island might be risky given the weather, and how during the last time I went, I felt the ship might have toppled at one point, the above mentioned guest felt a strong inclination to barge once again. āYou see, Iāve always travelled on ships and boats with my family,ā she said smugly. āOf course, Iād never feel as queasy. Iām used to this.ā āRight,ā I said, clenching my teeth and wondering should I say something blunt or keep appearances up, at least for my parentsā sake. Just then, someone pointed to the Barbie dolls I used to own when I was younger, and which my mother had placed on one of the shelves. A guest cheerfully remarked that she also loved playing with dolls when she was younger. However, this didnāt go unnoticed by her. āIāve never been the one to play with dolls, I was always the girl whoād play cricket with the boys,ā she swooped in. āI loved running. Oh wait, how do you spend your time at your University? Do you always stay in just your campus?ā She stared at me, her eyes challenging. I frowned to myself. Should I be honest like I wanted to be or should I give the false but positive image that would immediately crush down her prejudiced analysis? Or should I simply laugh it off and ignore her because thereās way too many people we encounter who always have an overwhelming need to take shots at others and even strangers to feel better about themselves? Noticing the empty platter on her hand, I simply gave an arched smile and ask if she wanted anymore food. Iād rather just be a good host.
