#mcsweeneyswriters

By Joyce Miller

For me it’s not about winning, but about learning, which is why I stay so humble in spite of the fact that I did ultimately win the real prize of this contest, regardless of who stands there holding the perceived prize. The contest is over, but learning is a lifelong journey.

Everyone in the game knows that when it comes to learning, I am the undisputed champion. I learned, for example, that this contest means nothing. The lessons I learned today will continue to benefit me, while the trophy in your hands sits on a shelf, collecting dust and unlearned lessons.

I do not need a medal to know that the true achievement of this competition is to come together and engage in learning, that whoever learns the best wins, and that I did learning better than anybody else here today, so I win.

Boo yah, beeyatch! Feel the burn. Enjoy your trophy–an inanimate sculpture of a miniature human being, perfectly symbolizing that you are small, dense, and bring unlearning shame down on your mother.

Winning is debatable, but out there on the field, it's crystal clear who's learning and who's not.

Shoot, I’m exhausted by the sheer magnitude of how much I learned. Gotta rest and recoup from all this learning or I won’t be ready for training tomorrow. Ever had a learning injury because you pulled a learning muscle after too much learning, my dude? Didn't think so. It’s brutal, bruh.

I WON! Yessss. My bad, I just had to do a victory lap and some handclap backflips real fast. Whoo, it feels so good. Ok, I’m done celebrating, but the learning? The learning never stops.

Trophies are shiny to distract the person who lost at learning from the fact that you learned nothing, and that before you hangs a void which mocks you for the uncomprehending life mass that you truly are.

Me? I just keep on learning…and learning…and learning. Damn! Applause, applause, applause. I’m at the Learning World Championships! If it weren’t for all I learned, I never would have made it here today. Does it piss you off how much I learned? What you gon’ do about it boss?

Broski, how does it feel to get defeated at learning? No offense dudemeister, but as the all time top learning player in the industry, I have an unquenchable thirst for knowledge, and learning never exhausts the mind.

I also struggle with an overwhelming urge to help others rejoice in my epiphany that this contest is not actually about winning. It’s actually about learning. That is why I actually won and you actually lost. Seeing you, holding that trophy, having learned nothing, I feel sorry for you. I do. Anyone who stops learning is old, and your ass looks old as fuck.

I learned so much, and I’m literally standing here still learning, at the same time as I’m talking. It’s like, I can never turn it off, the learning.

Awwww snap, I just learned another thing. With me, the learning is 24/7/365 brah. All you get is the ten seconds while they take a picture of you holding your trophy for bitches. Damn, that’s sad, bro. Stop bumming me out.