Steph’s POV

I walked into the locker room after the game. It was the semi finals match, Thorns v Red Stars. We had lost. I’m pretty sure we’ve never beat the Portland Pricks, so to think tonight would be different was wishful thinking. Another year of not winning a championship. Great. That makes what I did even more stupid.

“You guys tried, alright. Keep your heads up” I heard Rory call. The girls and I shared a similar look. Rory was a good guy, but we were still disappointed with our loss.

I went to go take my ponytail out and winced as my scraped knuckles brushed my hair. I had made the dumb decision to try and slide tackle Amandine fucking Henry. Everyone knows not to fuck with her. Everyone. But I did it anyway. Not only did we lose possession of the ball a few minutes later to that tricky (talented) motherfucker Heath, I had gotten my entire body scratched up and my face kicked with Henry’s cleats ‘on accident’ in the process.

“You should probably get an ice pack or something for your face” Casey says, having noticed my wincing. I was too tired to be a smart ass so I just nodded. I could feel Katie shooting me a sympathetic look and Vanessa offered me a towel to wipe some of the blood. I took it, giving her a silent nod of thanks before starting to get myself together.

I finished changing and talking with my teammates. Most of them were too tired and defeated to talk anyway, so I said goodnight to them, promising Sofia and Michele I would talk with them more in the morning. Walking out of the pit, I stopped to sign some autographs and take pics, because what I really needed was photos of me with my face fucked up on the internet. I sighed, already dreading having to wake up to being tagged in a bunch of pictures of me looking like I had lost a fight, and walked to the parking lot. I was going to car pool with Christen, Julie, Alyssa, and Moe, but, upon hearing Kristie was visiting to watch the game, had come with her instead.

As I walked up to the car to go home with her, I had let her stay in my apartment with me, I tried my best to avoid eye contact. I didn’t need to look at her to know the look she held. One of disapproval and empathy.

We got in the car. Normally I loved driving but I was too exhausted to argue with Kris, so I just let her do it. The ride was silent except for the radio, so I figured I would avoid a lecture. We arrived back in my apartment and Kristie walked over to put her purse on the counter while I immediately started taking off my clothes. Stopping at my bra and boxers, aka, my pajamas, I was about to walk to my room to crash when she stopped me.

“Steph, you can’t just do shit like that. You could have gotten seriously hurt.” She stepped in front of me to silently assess the damage. “Look at me” she ordered and I obliged. I flinched, waiting for the scolding to continue, but it didn’t. Instead, she took my chin in her hand, turning my head this way and that. She took my hand, and then I felt her lips graze my knuckles, then my neck, my bicep, and finally, back up to my bruised cheek.

Her kissing me isn’t a new feeling. Her lips have always found reasons to grace my skin. If I was upset, annoyed, angry, anything really, Kristie was there. Pressing her lips to the top of my head when I’m upset, a peck on my forehead when I’m sad, or a gentle touch to my cheek when I’m angry. Even more so when I’m injured. Her lips seeking out and finding every wound. I never thought much of it, it was just Kristie’s way of comforting me. At least that’s how I used to see it. I don’t know when that simple act, her small touches and kisses, started making my heart race. All I know is when she’s near me I’m hypersensitive to anything and everything to do with her. I stood extremely still with each kiss, fearing that moving even an inch would make me lose control.

She looked up at me, her eyes sparkling with curiosity. “Hurt anywhere else?” She asked with a soft smile. I thought it over, did I hurt anywhere else? I looked down at my legs, abs, arms. My body was sore, but the pain had mostly subsided.

“Nah, I think I’m good…” I murmured. I felt her hand reach up to hold my chin, this time forcing me to look at her.

“Nowhere else, really?” She smirked as her thumb ran over my bottom lip.

“Uh…” I could feel my face slowly starting to flush.

“Your lip is still bleeding.” She stated simply, locking her eyes with mine. I knew what was next. She waited, as if wanting me to ask for it. I glanced down at her lips than back up a couple times. I swallowed hard, hoping to get rid of the butterflies, before giving my response.

I tried to appear confident but it was a lie. On the surface I acted the tough warrior, always sure of myself, not afraid to get hurt, while Kristie was the princess, ready to heal my wounds. Behind the scenes though it was different. I was shy, easily flustered, especially around her. Kristie, she became confident, almost cocky.

“And you’re going to?” I trailed off, trying my best to stay cool. Trying to put up a facade of suaveness. It wasn’t working.

This seemed to be enough for her though, because her hand slowly slid from my chin down to the back of my neck. Her other hand resting at my side.

“Kiss it better of course.” She paused and smiled at me, before pulling me in with a gentle touch. It was a slow kiss, nothing amazing, but maybe that’s what made it special. It lasted as long as all her other kisses - not long enough. Kristie pulled away, a small smile tugging at her lips. “Better?” Barely above a whisper.

I couldn’t respond. My eyes tracing her lips that had a hint of blood, my blood, on them.

“Steph.” Her smile widened. Fuck my heart was racing. Did she realize what that did to me? Did it mean the same thing to her? Did it mean anything to her?

“Geez, Stephanie McCaffrey overthinking something. Never thought I’d see that.” Kris laughed as she saunters back to lean against the kitchen counter a couple feet from me. She just kept smiling at me like she was waiting for something. I couldn’t stop staring, my mind having long gone into overdrive. There is no way that meant the same thing to her, she was too calm. She held her hands out to me, a silent way to tell me to come over. It took me embarrassingly long to walk over and place my hands in hers. She pulled them down, positioning my hands on her waist before softly cupping my face, careful of my bruises.

“You, are so dense,” A bright smile. “and suck at hiding your feelings.” Before I could think much more, she was kissing me again. This time I kissed back. Kris smiled against my lips and I think if I had my eyes open, I would have seen her rolling her eyes at me. Pulling back slightly she rested her forehead against mine. “Been waiting a while for that.”

“For me to get my lips busted so you’d have to kiss ‘em?” I joked.

“Yup. I decided that if you didn’t fess up, I’d make the first move. You were taking too long. I’ve been looking for an opportunity, and you getting a bloody lip was the perfect excuse. Seriously, I’ve been waiting months.”

“Try waiting years.” I muttered, tugging her close for another kiss. Her left hand found my hair, gently combing her fingers through my matted locks, her right hand still cupping my face. Gentle, even as she held me close.

“This might be even be better than if we had actually won the game” I muttered as I moved away slightly, making it so my lips were centimeters from hers. She pulled away and stared at me for a second.

“That was cheesy as fuck,” she laughed, causing me to blush, something I seemed to be doing a lot of tonight, and pout. I leaned forward, burying my head against her neck.

“Last time I try and be sentimental with you.” I grumble.

“It was lame, but cute. Sorta like you.” She teases, causing me to laugh. “Now come on Canelo wannabe, let’s go to bed”

It had been a long day of training and team meetings and a recovery session that felt a lot more like just another workout. And on top of all of that, it had just been a very long, very tiring and extremely frustrating season.

Back home in their shared apartment for the night, Kristie was going through her inbox answering emails that she had neglected to open for much to long while Steph was on the couch beside her, mindlessly skipping through the channels on the TV. Steph’s feet occasionally restlessly pressing into Kristie’s thigh as the older girl typed away furiously on her computer.

“Are you alright,” Kristie asked placing her hand on Steph’s outstretched shin.

“I’m tired,” the brunette responded not bothering to peel her eyes away from the TV to look up at Kristie.

“Then go to sleep,” Kristie said while rubbing Steph’s shin, confused as to why she hadn’t gone to bed sooner.

“I guess, will you come lay with me when you go to sleep?” Steph asked hesitantly finally looking up at Kristie who was already staring at her.

“Steph,” Kris said, sympathy and exhaustion evident in her voice.

“Please,” Steph pleaded, too tired to try to disguise her desire.

“Steph,” Kristie repeated this time a little more serious, finally retracting her hand from Steph’s leg. “Whatever, forget it. Goodnight,” Steph huffed standing up aggressively and walking down the hall towards the bedrooms.

“Wait, Stephanie” Kristie called out. Steph stopped walking but didn’t turn back around.

 “Steph,” she said much softer this time and finally Steph turned around to face her.

 Kristie nodded her head slightly, biting at her lower lip. “Okay, I will.”

Steph just simply stared at Kristie, her face softening a little and continued retreating down the hall. About an hour later when Kristie had finally emptied her inbox, she walked over to Steph’s room to go to sleep. Only when she opened the door, Steph wasn’t there and the bed was still made. Kristie walked into Steph’s en-suite bathroom to see if she was in there, but that too was empty.

Confused, Kristie walked into her own bedroom only to see Steph curled up on Kristie’s bed. “Hey,” Kristie called out sitting on the edge of the bed, rubbing at Steph’s arm through the blankets.

“Hmmm,” Steph replied still half asleep, eyes still closed.

“Stephanie, why are you in here?” Kristie asked even though she was pretty sure she already knew the answer.

 “I don’t know” Steph replied, finally opening her eyes to look at Kristie.

“Is it because you thought that I wasn’t going to come?” Kristie asked hesitantly, hand resting on Steph’s shoulder.

“I don’t know,” Steph says turning away from Kristie. Although both of them knew that it was a lie.

“I told you I would,” Kristie said, slightly hurt that Steph didn’t believe her.

 Steph doesn’t answer even though Kristie knows she hasn’t fallen back asleep that quickly. “Stephanie, I know you’re still awake” Kristie says, standing up so she can walk around the other side of the bed to see Steph’s face.

“Can we not do this right now. Please.” Steph says pushing her face farther into the pillow, her eyes still closed, trying to ignore Kristie’s presence.

“You always do this Steph. Always.” Kristie says shaking her head even though Steph can’t see her.  It’s quiet for a second but then all of a sudden, Steph springs up off the bed, walking past Kristie and out of the room. Kristie hears Steph pad down the hall and open then close her bedroom door. Kristie finally decides to follows her.

“What are you doing?” Kristie asks once she lets herself in the room. Steph is standing in front of the mirror brushing out her hair.

 “I’m going to sleep. I’m tired. I already told you,” Steph says, not making eye contact with the other girl standing in the doorway.

“Don’t play stupid,” Kristie mutters in Steph’s direction taking another step into the room and shutting the door behind her.

“I have no idea what you are talking about,” Steph says. Her hair is brushed out by now but she keeps going to give herself an excuse to not look at Kristie.  Kristie walks over to Steph and takes the brush out of her hand and places it on the dresser. They make eye contact through the mirror but only for a second until Steph is walking away towards the bathroom.

“Don’t do this,” Kristie pleads. Steph just ignores her and goes into the bathroom to wash her face.

“You never want to talk to me,” Kristie says more hurt then mad. Steph turns to pull the bathroom door shut but Kristie grabs her wrist before she can reach it.  “Talk to me,” Kristie pleads still holding on to the other girl’s wrist. Steph finally looks at Kristie. Before Steph’s eyes had looked hurt but now they were angry.

“What do you possibly want me to say? Honestly, what can I say now that I haven’t already said?” Steph snatches her wrist away from Kristie grasp. The younger girl takes a step back to distance herself from Kristie but is still facing her.

“Anything, anything is better than just ignoring me,” Kristie says losing the courage she had moments ago and staring down at her feet.

“You just hate it when I’m mad at you,” Steph says flatly. Neither girl says anything for a second. Steph hoping that Kristie will try to defend herself and convince Steph that’s not true. Kristie holding her breath in hopes that Steph would keep going.

After it becomes obvious that Steph is not going to say anything more Kristie speaks up. “I hate it when you are upset,” she says still looking down at the floor.

"At you! If I was upset about anything else, you would be asleep right now,” Steph fires back.

Kristie looks up at the other girl but doesn’t say anything. Steph sighs loudly because she knows she is right and she wishes that she wasn’t.

“I’m exhausted. I’m going to sleep,” Steph finally says heading towards the bathroom door but Kristie blocks her. 

“You’re clearly upset. You’re not going to get any sleep if you go to bed upset,” Kristie says staring at Steph who is looking anywhere but the other girl’s eyes. Steph actually chuckles to herself.

“Oh because you just know me so fucking well. Right Kristie?” the brunette spits back furious now. Kristie grabs Steph’s face forcing eye contact finally.

“Don’t be rude,” Kristie says her eyes starting to fill with anger as well. “We are having this conversation now Stephanie. You are not getting out of it.” Kristie says sternly looking into Steph’s eyes.

Finally Steph pushes past Kristie and into the bedroom. She starts haphazardly looking through her closet.

“Yes because everything is on your time schedule. Who cares what Steph wants. Whatever Krisite says, goes. That is how it always is,” Steph just about yells, still digging through the closet.

“What are you even doing?” Kristie yells back, annoyed that Steph is still trying to avoid the conversation by doing absent minded tasks.

“I’m looking for a sweatshirt, because I’m cold. I’m sorry, is that okay with you? I forgot to ask your permission, my bad,” Steph says sarcastically still sifting through the closet even though there’s at least 10 sweatshirts hanging up and she can just grab any of them and call it a day. Kristie decides to just humor her and wait because she knows exactly what the younger girl is doing. She can’t sort through the closet forever when Steph knows Kristie can see all the sweatshirts hanging up right in front of her face. When Steph realizes Kristie is waiting for her, she angrily rips an old oversized Boston College sweatshirt of the hanger and pulls it over her head. Once she’s done she closes the closet but doesn’t turn around to face Kristie.

“Are you done now?” Kristie asks annoyed because she is exhausted too and all she wants to do is go to sleep, but she knows she has to do this now. Steph crosses her arms over her chest and nods her head but doesn’t turn around. Kristie doesn’t have to see Steph’s face to know she’s pouting.

 “Can you look at me? Or are we still playing this game?” Kristie says exhaustion evident in her voice. Steph finally turns around to face Kristie. There are tears pooling in the corner of Steph’s eyes and Kristie sees them but she doesn’t say anything. 

“Stephanie please can we just talk?” Kristie’s voice softens after seeing Steph’s face.

“I’m tired,” Steph says, barley above a whisper. She rubs at her eyes trying to pretend it is because she’s tired but Kristie knows it’s to try and wipe away her tears.  Kristie goes to sit on the edge of Steph’s still made bed. She pats on the spot next to her trying to coax Steph to sit down beside her, but Steph doesn’t budge.  Kristie sighs, knowing Steph is way too stubborn to even just sit next to her right now, even if she wants to.

 “Tell me why you don’t want to talk. Tell me why you are so upset,” Kristie says her voice laced with concern. A single tear falls down Steph’s cheek and the younger girl pulls the hood of her sweater above her head in an attempt to hide it. Kristie has to fights the urge to get up and console her.  Steph sits down on the floor where she was standing and puts her knees inside her oversized sweatshirt and pulls her knees to her chest. The sight just about breaks Kristie’s heart but she doesn’t want to move, scared that the slightest movement will cause her best friend to flee. Steph was trying her best to hold back her tears but when she looks up and sees the way Kristie is staring at her and the clock on the wall displaying just how late it really is, she lets go. She’s tired and sad and she really doesn’t have the strength to try to hold back her tears anymore. 

“I’m so tired Kristie” Steph says between sobs.

“I know Steph, I know. But I want to talk about this,” Kristie says, trying to console her friend but encourage her to talk at the same time. Steph wipes her face on her sleeve and closes her eyes before talking, in order to try and stop the tears from flowing.

“It’s always about what you want: when you want to fall asleep together, when you want to spend time with me, when you want to act like you care about me,” Steph pauses to swallow and try to keep her voice from cracking. “What about me? Don’t I matter? Do you even care about what I want?” Steph squeaks the last part, unsuccessful in her attempt to keep her voice even.

Kristie can’t control her urge to console the crying girl anymore and she gets up off the bed and sits down on the floor next to her. Steph doesn’t make a move to distance herself from the blonde and Kristie takes that as a good sign. Kristie puts a tentative hand on Steph’s shoulder to test the waters and when she doesn’t pull away, Kristie moves her hand up to the other girl’s cheek and rubs away some of her tears with her thumb. 

“How could you even ask that? Of course I care about you” Kristie says pain evident in her voice at the fact that Steph can honestly think that the older girl doesn’t care about her.

“It really hurts Kris. It hurts so much. Sometimes you care and sometimes you don’t and I would do anything you asked me to and you know that! But you still ask. God forbid I ever ask for anything and it’s like pulling teeth with you. How is that fair to me?” Steph cries out looking Kristie straight in the eye. The older girl retracts her hand from Steph’s cheek. She knows what she’s doing isn’t fair, but she can’t help it. She is terrible with feelings and she isn’t sure how she can stop breaking her best friend’s heart. 

“I’m sorry.” Kristie says and Steph knows that she means it. “I can’t help it. I don’t mean to keep hurting you”

“I know you don’t. But-” Steph sniffles and leans back against the wall and closes her eyes. “but that doesn’t make it okay. Look at me. This isn’t okay. I’m not okay.” Steph finishes barely keeping it together. The older girl leans forward and pulls Steph’s head onto her shoulder. She pulls the hood off the other girl’s head and places a kiss to her hair.

“Oh baby, I know. I’m going…” Kristie starts before Steph cuts her off.

“Don’t. Please don’t do that” Steph pleads with the blonde as she pulls away a little.

“Do what?” Kristie asks confused and trying to pull Steph back into her but the other girl refrains.

“Don’t call me that. You don’t even realize what you’re doing to me,” Steph says. She leans back in towards Kristie but this time she lays her head in Kristie’s lap facing away from her. Kristie starts running her fingers through Steph’s recently brushed hair and scratches her head because she knows that calms her down. 

“You’re right. I’m not being fair. All I do is take and take and all you ever do is give. It’s wrong and I don’t know why you even put up with it,” Kristie pauses and stops her movements and she feels Steph tense up in her lap. “Actually I do know why, but we don’t have to talk about that right now okay?” Kristie says leaning down to place another kiss in Steph’s hair as she continues running her fingers through it. Kristie is very aware of how the brunette feels about her and she knows that’s why she puts up with all of her bullshit. Steph just nods and Kristie can feel the movement in her lap.

“But I’m going to try harder. I’m going to try to be better for you, okay? I promise things are going to be different from now on.” Kristie says confidently. Steph knows it’s not true but it’s what she wants to hear and she so exhausted mentally and physically, she doesn’t have enough energy to protest.  Steph sits up and pulls Kristie into a hug, even though they are sitting on the floor and the position is awkward. 

“Okay,” Steph breathes out, her warm breath hitting the other girl’s neck.

 Kristie pulls away and puts her hand on either side of Steph’s face and looks into her eyes.  “Do you believe me?” Kristie asks hopefulness evident in her voice. 

Steph nods. “I believe you,” she lies but she is trying to convince herself she believes the blonde just as much as she is trying to convince Kristie.

Kristie leans in and places a soft kiss to the younger girl’s lips. Kristie stands up off the floor and extends her hand down to Steph. 

“I’m exhausted, and I know you are too. Let’s go to sleep,” Kristie says as Steph accepts her hand and stands up. 

“Let’s sleep in my room, the bed is already unmade plus my mattress is more comfortable.” Kristie says, her hand still holding tightly onto Steph’s as she leads the younger girl out of the room. 

“Whatever you want,” Steph says trying not to let the hurt be evident in her voice. She knows things are never going to change, but she loves Kristie too much to put a stop to whatever this is. She is just going to have to take what she can get of Kristie.

 “Can I be the little spoon Steph? Please?” Kristie asks giving the other girl her best puppy dog eyes; even though she knows she doesn’t have to try. Steph will always say yes to her. 

Steph takes a deep breath. She doesn’t understand how Kristie is so oblivious to what she is doing. “Of course,” Steph smiles.  As much as this hurts, she’s happy she gets to fall asleep with Kristie. And at the end of the day, that’s all she wanted tonight. So she convinces herself that Kristie is doing this for her.

They are lying in Kristie’s bed about to fall asleep when Kristie turns over to look at Steph’s face.  “Can you say it?” she asks placing a small chaste kiss to Steph’s lips. “Please, it’s been a long night.” Kristie finishes.

Steph wants to roll her eyes because of course Kristie would ask. Tonight has been exponentially harder for Steph than Kristie, but the younger girl isn’t at all surprised in the slightest. 

“I love you,” Steph says and pulls their intertwined fingers up to her lips to place a lingering kiss to the back of Kristie’s hand. The lights are off but Steph knows the blonde is smiling.

“Goodnight Steph,” Kristie finally speaks up and nuzzles up closer to Steph.  Steph never asks Kristie to say it back and Kristie has never offered it on her own accord but Steph likes to think she feels the same way.  It makes this hurt less.

“Sweet dreams,” Steph mumbles as she finally lets the exhaustion from the past day and weeks, and honestly the past year, overtake her. In the morning, Steph doesn’t even have to open her eyes to know that Kristie isn’t there. They’ve done this so many times that she knows the drill. They won’t talk about anything that happened last night unless Kristie brings it up.

Steph gets up and walks to the kitchen to grab something to eat. When she gets into the kitchen, she walks to the fridge to see a note stuck to the door.

‘Went for a run. I bought more milk. It is in the fridge. -K’

Steph’s heart almost skips a beat when she see the little heart Kristie had drawn next to the K. The younger girl knew that she had probably just drawn it without thinking but to Steph it meant more. Steph knew that no matter what would happen between them, in this fleeting moment, Kristie had signed her name with a heart and that had to count for something right? She had to believe it did.