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My stepdad called to "make sure you're happy and well"
And I respond with "best I can do is alive"
Him: alive is good
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I used to believe that life was a dream and that one day I'd wake up in my real life. A life where I was loved, safe and happy.
Now I understand that this is real and I fear that I'll never be happy. I've been stuck like this for so long, I'm scared that I'll never change.
I wish I was soft and sweet and confident.
I wish I didn't overreact to absolutely everything.
I wish I didn't feel physically sick when doing the most mundane tasks.
I wish I wasn't this.
I wish I knew who I was.
I wish I was happy.
I wish I wasn't here.
Them: who got you smiling like that?
Me: *quickly closing my spicychat ai with Negan from the walking dead* No one 😳
I'm so frustrated all the time. It just fucking consumes me.
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
Free to watch • No registration required • HD streaming
From an outside perspective it looks like I'm doing great. I own a house, I go to my full time job every day.
But on the inside I'm falling apart.
I want to quit my job, I want to stay in bed all day and never leave the house.
I don't feel like a person. I'm so alone. I'm so empty. I feel like nothing. I have no purpose. And I don't think I can do this anymore.
I'm always waiting for later. Waiting for better things. I don't know how to get there. Everything feels like it's out of reach.
I don't know who I am and I don't think I can continue being this husk of a person.
They told me things would get better.
When you get older things will get better. I got older and nothing got better.
Go to university, things will get better. I finished university, nothing got better and now I've got debt.
Get a full time career, things will get better. I got a full time career. It takes up all my time and sometimes helps to forget about the bad things but they didn't better.
Buy a house and things will get better. I bought a house, nothing got better and now I've got more debt.
Nothing ever gets better. I despise myself, I hate my life and want to disappear.
Nothing.
Got.
Better.
Stop saying things will get better.
It's so hard because I never expected to live past 16 or 18 and yet I'm still here and don't know what to fucking do.
