#mbbf

I take a deep breath, trying not to let my frustration get the best of me.

All my phone has done today is ding. Another message, another call, another voicemail from Travis. He is fuming.

Travis is my boyfriend, but I don’t know how much more I can take. He used to be really sweet. When we met, I went by a different name. An old name. The name of someone who no longer exists. Travis was amazing. He instantly started using my new name. My actual name. My pronouns were honored as if they were sacred. He was very supportive of my transition into a body that felt like mine. The coming out to my parents, my brother. The surgeries. Every little thing about me, he was there for me. He was perfect. He is what every person like me, who is trans, wants in a partner.

But as time went on, he stopped doing the small things for me. It’s like our love and everything we built slowly started to crumble. He began to get weird looks when someone found out I was transgender. People would harass him. Harass us. But we soldiered on, or so I thought. He barely wants to be seen with me in public anymore. He doesn’t like to hold hands with me now that I am a man. The name calling, I understand it can all be too much. I feel awful that I’ve put him through this, but I needed to do this to survive. I needed to transition. I needed to feel like myself.

And tonight, it’s just another fight. One that I can’t deal with right now. I hate not answering my phone. It makes me so anxious, but I can’t argue with him right now. I can’t look at those texts.

But he keeps sending them, one after the other. I have to look at it. How can I look away?

Travis: You don’t even understand what it’s like for me.

Travis: I get looked at and called names all of the time.

Travis: It hurts me Calum. I know you can’t help who you are, but it’s hurting me. I just want us to be normal.

Normal? Are you serious? There is nothing wrong with me. There’s nothing wrong with our relationship. This is normal.

A pain stabs through me with burning fire. How could he say something like that to me?

He doesn’t understand what it’s like for me. My existence is constant political debate. My rights sit on a very thin sheet of ice. I risked my family and friends to be who I am, and I’m the one not understanding him?

Fire and anxiety burn through my chest as I pick up the phone and call him.

“It’s about time Calum.” Travis picks up instantly.

“Don’t. How could you? Normal? Do you even hear yourself?” I say, not even caring how I sound right now.

“I’m not wrong in wanting a relationship that I don’t get harassed for!” He practically yells, making me pull my phone away from my ear.

“I never said you were, but your problem is me. That’s basically what you said.”

“Cal that’s not what I meant by that-“

“That’s sure as hell what it sounded like. ‘I know you can’t help who you are but it’s hurting me’ is what you said. I’m sorry I’m not the girl I was when we met. If you’re so unhappy why are you still here?” I say, the anger and sadness finding it’s way into my words.

“Calum, no. That’s not what I meant. I wasn’t saying I don’t love you for who you are-“

“No. You just said that I’m hurting you because of it.” I tell him, devastation wrecking my world. My heart is shattering into a million pieces replaying the text message in my head. I can’t be with someone who believes me being trans is a flaw. That it’s something I did to hurt him. As if I would ever want to hurt him. I love him. We’ve been together for years. But he’s finally said what he meant. I know you can’t help who you are, but it’s hurting me. It’s devastating. It’s world changing. It’s the worst thing anyone has ever said to me. How could he have changed his mind? He used to believe in me. Support me. But now I’m a burden to him. Someone who makes his life worse and not better. If I’m hurting him, I can’t keep doing it any longer.

“Calum. I love you. I was just frustrated. I didn’t mean to make you think that I don’t love you.”

“Travis.” I say, a lump forming in my throat. “I can’t keep hurting you. If my existence is hurting you then maybe it’s best we aren’t together anymore.” I tell him, tears running down my face.

“Calum don’t do this. Don’t end us because of a misunderstanding.” He begs. “I love you.”

“I love you too. That’s why it has to end. If it’s hurting you so bad, I can’t allow myself to be a cause of pain in your life. You do deserve to be in a relationship where you aren’t called names and harassed. You do deserve happiness, even if that isn’t with me.”

“Cal…” is all he can manage to say. I can hear his heart breaking too. One final hurt, and then he will be okay. He will find someone who he doesn’t have to be afraid to be with. He will heal. He will get over me. He will be fine.

“I’m sorry. I need to go. We can figure out when to get our stuff from each other’s houses soon. Not tonight. I’m sorry Travis.”

“Me too Cal.” Travis says before hanging up the phone. I throw my phone onto my plaid bed sheets and take a deep breath.

I can’t believe I just broke up with my boyfriend of several years. It doesn’t feel real, but I’m the one who did it. I’m the one who broke up with him. I’m the one who ruined everything. Who ruined us.

I take another breath. He told me what he really meant. I was justified for what I did. That doesn’t make it hurt any less, but this isn’t solely my fault. He broke us with his words. With how he made me feel.

There’s a small knock on my bedroom door before it creaks open slightly. I see my brother’s blonde curls that are similar to mine poke through the door.

“Everything alright? I heard your voice raised but I couldn’t understand what you were saying.” He says from the door frame. When he steps in closer, he can see the tears on my face before I can wipe them away. “Calum what’s wrong?”

I use the back of my hands to swipe the salty drops away. I sniffle and Mason comes and sits beside me.

“I just broke up with Travis.” I tell him when I can will away the shakiness from my voice.

“What? How come?” Mason asks, his brow furrowing in concern. “Do I need to go speak to him?” He asks, his face beginning to flush red from frustration, out of his love for me.

“No no. We had a fight. I was causing him to much pain by being trans. He just wants to be ‘normal’ and not have to worry about being called names when he’s with me.” I spill to him. Mason is my brother. My best friend. He would do anything for me, and I would do the same for him. I trust him with my life. “Little does he know what it’s like to be trans and not just with someone who is.”

“Calum. I’m sorry.” He says, wrapping an arm around me. “You deserve better than someone who won’t love you for who you are.” He tells me gently. I try to give him a smile, and I try to be okay. I don’t do a very good job at either. “If you want a distraction, I’m going over to Harry’s to watch our show. Do you want to come?” Mason asks me, trying to make me feel better for the moment so I don’t have a breakdown. He knows me too well.

Harry is Mason’s life long friend. They met when Harry moved in next door to our parents house when he was five. They immediately bonded and they never separated after that. Harry is sweet and kind. He never fails to invite me places when Mason is invited. He considers me a friend even though we aren’t as close as him and Mason are.

I think over Mason’s invitation. I don’t feel like socializing, but maybe it’s for the best. I shouldn’t isolate just because of how Travis made me feel.

“Will there at least be food to eat my feelings away with?” I ask him and he chuckles.

“Harry is making wings, we are picking up pizza and chips on the way.”

“Awesome.” I say to him. “Maybe see if we can get some ice cream or sweets?”

“Of course.” He says.

“You’re the best brother ever.” I tell him with genuine gratitude and appreciation. I don’t know what I would do without him.

Mason was the most supportive person in my life. I was nervous of how he would take the news when I came out, but he welcomed me with open arms. Literally. He wrapped me in a hug so tight I could hardly breathe. He thanked me for trusting him with such important news. He instantly started asking questions, looking at stuff online to try to better support me. The best thing that he ever did though, was stand beside of me when I came out to our parents. I shook, knowing that they didn’t know anything about being transgender, and I was afraid of their rejection of me. Of being forced back into the closet, or hating my guts. They were rude at first, telling me how I was making stuff up and how I was such a beautiful girl. But Mason put them on the right path. He did his best to help them understand. And they eventually came around.

“Same to you dude.” He tells me, making me smile. He leaves my room and I decide to get dressed. I put on some black jeans and a gray hooded sweatshirt. I look in the mirror and check my hair.

It’s a mess, but that’s pretty much my signature. Purposely messy but in a neat way. My curls are wild and trying to tame them is pointless. I spray my cologne and then walk out to the living room of my shared apartment.

Mason is putting his shoes on by the front door. I stand beside him and slip on my tennis shoes. When walk out to the car and hop in, Mason turning on music. When the music starts playing, it’s one of my favorite songs. I hum along to it, trying to forget about the hurt that has happened today. The ache I feel starting to ease, at least for now.

When that one ends, another favorite of mine begins to play, and I eye Mason suspiciously.

“Do you…” I start, trying to put my words together. “Do you have a playlist for me?”

“Of course. Any song I know you’ve listened to on repeat gets added to a playlist. I’ve got one for all of my friends and family.” He explains so casually. “Figured you’d need the extra little bit of joy today”.

Have I ever explained how much I love my brother? He’s so thoughtful and caring. He never misses a beat. He’s always there. Always ready for everything.

When we pull into Harry’s drive way, it’s around 3:37. We are a little early for our tv show, but I don’t think he will mind. He’s always been a pretty chill person. Even if we were late, we can always just start the episode over and watch it. Mason grabs the pizza from the back seat and I grab the chips and sweets. We walk up the sidewalk to the fancy house and Mason presses the doorbell with the corner of the pizza box.

Harry is quick to answer, using his elbows to twist the knob.

“Come in guys. Good to see you again Calum.” He tells me and it makes a small smile play on my face. “Is that ice cream?” He asks curiously as we enter into the doorway.

“It is. I’m kind of having a rough day.” I say, not diving into too much detail. Mason doesn’t say anything, letting me tell as much as I’m comfortable.

“I’m sorry to hear that. You can put it in the freezer in here if you’d like to keep it solid until the show starts.” He tells me as I follow him into the kitchen as Mason goes into the living room.

A delicious smell floods my nose as Harry cleans his hands and takes a fresh batch of wings from the oven. The garlic and parmesan on the wings smells wonderfully.

I open the freezer door and place the cookie dough ice cream inside. I shut the door to see Harry placing the wings on a plate with dozens of other wings. He grabs the plate and motions me to follow him. We all join together in the living room where my brother is setting up the show on the TV.

“Alright. Cal, I know you haven’t seen a lot of the episodes, so we can break down some of the major plot points for you if you want.” Mason begins. I give him a nod and he dives into explaining how these people had to go on a quest together and they fell in love. This episode is when they act on their feelings, or so Mason predicts. Harry sprinkles in a few details and I feel well equipped to watch the newest episode. I repeat the information in my mind to keep me from drifting to other thoughts.

And the show is exactly as Mason predicted. The man and woman begin to kiss after confessing their feelings. I try to guard myself against the feelings rushing through me. The need to cry. The need to break down. The need to be held the way he is holding his love. I know I ended things, but I needed to be loved for who I am. Not in spite of the things I am. I look away, trying to shield myself. I repeat stupid and mundane thoughts in my head to try and get the feeling to go away. But it doesn’t work.

I sniffle, trying to hold back the breakdown that threatens to spill out of my eyes. I’m failing miserably, and I cover my face.

“I-I’m going to step outside for a minute.” I stutter, my voice cracking. Mason looks at me with concerning eyes but lets me go. I can feel Harry staring holes through me as I walk out the front door.

I sit down on his front step as a tear spills down my cheek. It’s my own fault, but I had to do it. I had to. If I keep repeating this, it will sink in eventually. I am worth more than this. Then what he said to me. I am worthy of love.

Sobs take my body. I put my face in my hands, trying to make myself stop crying. Stop thinking. Stop everything. I need to shut it out. I was supposed to be distracted but the show made it worse. That’s not Mason’s fault. It’s no one’s fault. Just an awful coincidence. I remove my hands from my now red and itchy eyes and wrap them around myself, trying to hold all of my broken pieces together. I try to take a deep breath, but I’m on the verge of suffocating.

It doesn’t take long before I hear the door open behind me and footsteps. Harry appears beside me as he sits down.

There is silence for a moment, letting me calm down the tears and steady my breathing, before he begins to speak.

“Mason told me that you broke up with Travis. He didn’t give me a whole bunch of details, but I know a little bit about what’s going on. I would have suggested that we watch something else had I known, but I don’t blame you for not saying anything.” He says, his voice even and calm.

I’ve never been super close with Harry, but he’s never given me a reason not to trust him. Mason trusts him with everything. I should too. How else could I be hurt right now. Harry has never hurt me, and I don’t believe he would by trusting him with this.

I tell him what happened a little while ago. The things he said. How I cut it off so I could stop hurting him. You could seen pain cross Harry’s features even though he hasn’t experienced the things that make this so painful. He doesn’t fail to listen for a second. He is attentive for every moment.

“I’m really sorry Calum. I can’t even imagine.” He tells me after a brief silence.

“It hurts, but it is ultimately I think what’s best. He says he didn’t mean it but those are words you can’t take back.” I tell him. “It will take time, but I’ll be okay.”

“You will be.” He says. It feels like there is more he wants to say, but the silence lingers on us like a thick coat of dust. Harry stands, wiping off the back of his pants. “Come back in when you’re ready. We can always watch something else. I’m sure Mason wouldn’t mind.” Harry says and walks back in the house.

I take a moment alone on the steps, just breathing. Just letting it sink in. I don’t immediately go back inside because I feel like I’d just bring them down.

It was nice that Harry came out to talk to me. I’ve known Harry for a while but it was nice to have his support when it was just us. Our moment alone was more helpful than I thought it was going to be. Harry didn’t have to be so kind and listen, but he gave me his full attention. He gave me time to talk about anything I wanted to when he didn’t have to. He could have just stayed inside. It’s nice to have a friend.

I give them a few minutes to finish their show before I return. When I do, I see Harry in the kitchen and Mason on the couch. I sit down beside him and he gives me a hug.

“Sorry about that Cal.”

“Don’t worry about it. I’ll be okay. What are we gonna do now?”

“We were gonna watch some of that baking tv show you like. Is that okay?” Mason says and I nod with a smile.

“Perfect.” I say as Harry walks back into the room, a bowl in his hands. He places it in mine, my ice cream perfectly scooped with chocolate syrup on top.

“Thank you Harry. How did you know about the syrup?”

“I just know you.” He says, handing me a spoon. The show begins and Harry and Mason sit on each side of me, compared to our usual Harry on the right, Mason in the middle, and I’m on the left.

We watch a few episodes of that, eat up the rest of the wings and snacks, and talk about anything and everything. It’s nice feeling this loved and seen through the pain. They don’t pity me. They care about me.

Once a few episodes of Great British Bake Off is watched, food is packed away, and the night is coming to end. Mason and I say goodbye to Harry, him giving me a hug before we go.

Mason drives again, playing my playlist of favorites all the way home. When I get home, I go straight to bed, glad that I have a person like Harry. Glad that I have a brother like Mason.

When I wake up the next morning, my phone is ringing like crazy. I rub the sleep from my eyes and clear my vision to see the name Travis at the top, his favorite picture underneath of it. A painful reminder of that beautiful day that it was taken. We were happy. I had just gotten my name legally changed. We were celebrating and he took a picture of us. I cropped myself out for his contact photo but it’s painful to see. Painful to remember how happy he was for me in the first steps of my transition.

I snap out of the memory, trying not to cry about it and I answer the phone, putting it on speaker.

“Hello?” I ask curiously, sleep thick in my voice.

“Cal.” He says, an obvious crack in his voice. Heartbreak is evident. “Can we talk?”

“About what?” I ask him, sitting up straighter in bed, not ready to handle this. I’m not ready to have to carry him through our breakup when I have to carry myself.

“I need you. I don’t want you to leave. I’m sorry for what I said. I take it back. I didn’t mean it. I’m so sorry.” He practically sobs. “I love you.”

“Trav. I…” I hesitate. I don’t want to hurt him more than I already have, but I can’t go back to him. What he said is awful. He can’t take it back. It’s going to scar me forever. I’ll never forget his words for as long as I live. I have to tell him. I have to be honest. “I can’t do this. I need space. I can’t come back to you.”

“Calum please. I need you.” He cries. Another stab in the chest. Another fiery pang of guilt. Another thing to make me feel worse.

“I’m sorry. You can’t take back what you said. You meant it. You can’t take it back.”

“I’ll do whatever it takes to make it right. Just let me. I’ll do anything.” He begs. I don’t respond back to him right away. I don’t know what else to say. He’s too hurt to understand that he’s making it worse for me. I need him to go. To move on. To be happy. I just need my things back and then I don’t have to entertain this. I’m too hurt to hear this.

“Travis, I need to get my things back, and I need this to be done. I need to heal, and so do you.” I calmly tell him, trying not to let my emotions overtake me.

“Calum no.” He begs. “I can’t.”

“When can I get my things Travis.” I say, doing my best not to use his nickname anymore. Trying my best to emotionally distance myself from him.

“Are you really done? Is this really over?”

“Yes.” I answer simply. There is silence on his end for a while, sniffles being the only clue of him still being on the line.

“I’ll pack your stuff and bring it to you sometime today.” He says, trying to strengthen himself, but it’s not really working.

“Okay. Thank you.” I say, trying to be kind. Travis hangs up the phone without another word. My heart tugs to try and fix it, but I know that isn’t what is good for me. I have to do what’s best for me.

I decide I’ve had enough of being in bed, so I get up and start getting ready for the day. Once I’m dressed and ready I walk out into the rest of the apartment to find Mason sitting on the couch eating a plate of food.

“There’s some bacon and stuff on the counter if you want some. You have to make your own eggs though.” Mason tells me. I thank him and make my way to the kitchen. I grab a few pieces of bacon and snack on them while I cook some scrambled eggs.

When I’m finished cooking and eating, I sit down beside of Mason on the couch and watch whatever is on the tv. It’s not something I’ve seen before but it seems to be pretty interesting.

“Hey. I just wanted to let you know that Harry is going to come over today. He wants to hang out. Do you want to hang out with us?” Mason asks politely.

“Yeah. I have to wait on Travis anyways.” I tell him and he gives me a questioning look.

“Travis is coming over?” Mason asks.

“He called me this morning. He was trying to fix things, but I told him no. He is going to bring me the stuff that I left at his house.”

“Oh. Do you trust that bringing your stuff is all he is going to do? You know Harry and I got your back.”

“I appreciate that, but it should be just a quick drop off and a goodbye. That’s all I want it to be anyways. If you and Harry want to be there for it that’s okay with me.” I tell him, and he gives me a nod.

“We will be there.” He assures me. “We got you Cal.” He pats my shoulder. Mason and I watch half of the episode of the mystery show before there is a knock on the door. I get up to answer it in case it’s Travis. I open the door to see Harry holding a backpack and some of the leftover snacks from yesterday.

“Good morning Cal.” He says as I give him a small smile and open the door the rest of the way to let him in.

“Good morning.” I tell him as he steps through. He gives me a sweet smile as he passes by.

“Did you remember to bring it?” Mason asks about the contents of the backpack. Harry sets it down and begins to open it. He pulls out a video game case and Mason gets a big smile on his face. “Hell yeah.” He says. Harry unpacks his game console and Mason helps him hook it up to our living room tv. They both settle on the couch in our usual pattern. Harry on the right. Mason in the middle. Me on the left.

“Oh, Har by the way, Cal would like us to be present when Travis stops by later to return his stuff. Just to make sure nothing sketchy happens.”

“Okay. Do you know when he will be here?” Harry asks, looking at me. I shake my head.

“He just said he would be here when he was done packing it up.” I tell him and he nods.

I get up and get a drink out of the fridge, also grabbing drinks for Mason and Harry to have with their snacks. They load up their game and begin to play as I sit down on the couch. Mason is very competitive, and Harry makes his serious face with his eyebrows and nose all scrunched up as he concentrates. It’s cute in a dorky kind of way.

The first round of their game went by, Mason losing terribly. He huffs in defeat, each taking a break before their next round. Mason eats snacks as Harry checks a notification on his phone.

After the snacking is done, they start the second round of their game. As they begin to play, there is a small knock on the door, almost not audible at all. I immediately stand up, feeling all of my muscles tense more as I get closer to the door. I notice Mason and Harry have paused their game, waiting patiently on the couch for me in case I need them.

I place my hand on the knob and take a deep breath. I slowly twist it and open the door a small crack. There is Travis with red puffy eyes, exhaustion consuming him. He holds a cardboard box with “Calum” written across the side. He holds the box with a white knuckle grip, hands slightly trembling. He’s a wreck. A hurt mess.

“Hey.” I say gently. I open up the door more and step into the doorway, not wanting him to think he can enter into my space. “Thanks for bringing this stuff over. I appreciate it.” I tell him, and he gives me an even more sad look. I reach for the box but he doesn’t move, not yet. He keeps a firm grip on it.

“I’m not ready to let you go.” He tells me, a tear escaping his eyes.

“I know, but one day you will be. You can be happy again with someone else.”

“I don’t want anyone else. I don’t want this to end.”

“It already has.” I remind him. “I would like my things please Travis. Don’t make this harder than it needs to be.”

“Calum I can’t give you your things because that means it’s really over. I’ll never see you again.”

“Travis it is really over. You need to give me my things.” I say, moving my head and giving Mason a look. He stands and both him and Harry are at my sides in seconds. “Travis please.” I utter. He still doesn’t move.

“Mate, he said it’s over. Give him the box.” Harry tells him gently. Kindly stepping in front of me, taking the lead, supporting me even more than yesterday.

“Harry this isn’t about you. Leave us alone.” Travis tells him with a stern expression painting his face.

“No. I think you need to give Cal his things and go.” He tells him. Mason chimes in.

“Travis, dude give him the box. You’re only making this worse on you.” He tells him and I feel supported and loved in this moment with them beside of me, defending my words.

“You brought them into this?” Travis asks, slightly angry now.

“Of course I did. Why wouldn’t I?”

“Because it was our relationship. Not theirs.”

“And that’s my stuff. I’d like it back.” I say, turning the conversation back to where it needs to be. Travis just shakes his head. That’s when Harry steps in front of me and grabs the box and tears it out of Travis’s grip.

“What the hell dude!” Travis yells.

Harry hands me the box and I turn around to put it down. When I turn back around, Harry is in Travis’s face, Travis seething mad.

“Leave. Now.” Harry says to him in a quiet voice. “Or I’ll escort you out.”

Travis is hurt and disappointed that I’ve let Harry step up for me. It’s written across his face in the way he looks at me. How he fumbles for words to say before he takes a final look at Harry before turning and walking away.

My heart breaks for him. It aches for me. But this was necessary. It needed to be done for me. He no longer supported who I am. So that’s the end of it. He’s really gone, forever now. This box of things was the last little string attaching us together, and now it’s here. It’s mine. I pick the box up off of the floor and carry it into my room. I open it up and look through the items.

A few hoodies, some pictures, and small clay figurines I made him a while back. They all flood memories back to me, and I begin to feel overwhelmed. What really tops everything off is when I pull out a picture frame. It was the only picture of us that I liked before my transition. It’s the only one I was able to stand to see. Why would he give this to me? Is it because of it being pre-transition? Or is it to make me hurt?

I was wearing a baggy black hoodie, some jeans, and I had my hair tucked into a baseball hat. Travis had his hand around my shoulders. He is wearing a t shirt and jeans.

I drop the picture from back into the box and sit down, but no tears come. Just a deep ache. Grief.

A small knock on my door frame brings me back from my thoughts. I didn’t even realize I left my door open, or that I abandoned the two people who just helped me get the box from him.

“You doing alright?” Mason asks, Harry right behind him. I point to the box holding the items. Mason walks over to it and scans its contents. He plucks the picture of Travis and I out, looking at it.

“He put this in the box?”

“Yeah. And I don’t know why.” I say, a deep exhale following. Mason and Harry look at the picture.

“I’m not that person anymore, but it was the only one where I could still look at it and not get insane dysphoria. He had it framed on his gaming desk. I don’t know why he gave it back. I don’t want it. I don’t want to look at him. It’s just ruined the picture for me. I can’t look at us like that.”

“Does it make you feel dysphoric now or is it just Travis?”

“It’s just Travis. It just needs him out. That’s still a good picture of me. It was one of the first times I looked at myself and saw me.” I tell them, remembering how cool it was that people kept mistaking me for a boy. It made me happy when they’d call me boy, or sir. And at the time I didn’t even know why. But now I do. And I hold that picture so close because that was me before I knew it was. That was little Calum. Not the little girl I used to be, but it was who I am now, just getting a taste of the euphoria that was on its way.

I don’t hate that little girl, because she didn’t know. She was me at one time but not anymore. We are the same but we are so different. We like the same things and talk the same way, but I’m happier now. She didn’t understand why she hated her body. She didn’t understand why she hated looking in the mirror. She thought it was just body image issues that every teenage girl knows, but it was different. It was dysphoria. And learning that I wasn’t weird and that there was words to describe how I felt, it freed me from pretending to be something I wasn’t. I’m so glad I’m trans.

Mason grabs some scissors and gets to work without me even having to ask. Harry gives me a smile as he does so.

When Mason holds up the final product, Harry takes a look at it. As if he read my mind, peering into my thoughts, he says

“It’s mini Calum.” He smiles. I meet his eyes and smile with him. They have once again saved the moment and made me smile. “That was you before you knew it was.”

“Yeah it was. Little did he know.” I tell him. We spend time talking about the times when the picture was taken. Mason recalling the little things that didn’t make sense then but do now that I’m out. Harry recalls what he remembers after moving here. A collection of sad moments the past few days have been turned into good ones. My amazing brother and his best friend have made this easier. I don’t know where I’d be without them.

I know I’ll get over this eventually. Get over him. I have to. I deserve better. And I’m sure one day I’ll find it. I just have to survive this.

- - -

Masterlist Series Part 2

Taglist: @maudie-duan

I lay in my bed, remembering back to last week. My phone wouldn’t stop buzzing, ringing, and telling me how hurt Travis was. This week, it’s silent, and it’s killing me.

No texts from him. No calls. I know I’m the one who said I was done, but I’m still allowed to miss him right?

I don’t have the energy to get out of bed, but I don’t have the energy to scroll, or read, or do anything. The silence is weighing on me. But I know I’ll get better eventually. I’ll be okay eventually. I just have to make it there. I just have to make myself get out of bed.

A small tap on my door distracts me from the deafening silence.

“Come in.” I say, my voice raspy from sleep.

“Hey.” Mason says as he enters the room. He’s already dressed and ready to tackle the day, and I’m here sinking into the mattress. “You feeling okay? Normally you’re up by now.”

I sigh at myself. I know I can’t get away with a lie when he’s right about me being out of bed. I have to say what’s bothering me because he will launch a full investigation to figure it out. He is relentless, but I know it’s out of love.

“I know I broke up with him, but I miss him.” I tell Mason. He comes over and sits down on my bed. He doesn’t say anything, giving me room to tell him whatever I want to. Whatever I need to. He’s always here to support me. No matter what. I wish I could be there for him in the same way. “I know I shouldn’t, but I do.”

He stay silent for a few moments longer, thinking of what to say.

“I don’t think you miss him. I think you just miss having someone to love you. You know I do, but it’s different.” He tells me softly, and I know deep down that he is right.

I don’t miss Travis. I miss having someone to hold me when I felt this bad. To tell me everything is going to be okay. Someone who stands behind me when I struggle. Someone who I can kiss and feel better. I just want someone to help put me together when I feel this low, but it’s just me having to do it myself. Mason can support me, like he said, but it’s different.

“Yeah, but I feel like it’s too soon to look for anyone else. I don’t want to hurt anyone else.”

“Calum-“

“I’m a lot. I’m hard to deal with. I know that now. I don’t want someone else to have to go through what Travis did. I don’t know that I can do it. Travis got called names. He cringed every time watching me take my shots because of the needle. I don’t want anyone else to have to go through that.

“You’re not hard to deal with Cal. Travis just didn’t support you the way you needed him to. You’re not hurting anyone by being trans. You’re just being you. You shouldn’t have to sacrifice that happiness just to be with someone else.” He tells me, love in every one of his words. “And the needle thing is just a Travis thing. Not everyone is like that.”

“I know. But how will anyone love me when I’m so complicated?”

“You’re not complicated.” He says as I sit up in bed. “You’ll find someone who loves you for who you are. They aren’t going to care if you’re trans or not. They are going to love you for the way your nose crinkles up when someone makes a mistake on the baking show, or the way you sing your songs in the car. They’re going to love you for you. ” He tells me, and I have to keep myself from getting too emotional and crying.

I sit there, not knowing what to say back. I just look at him, hoping he can see how much I appreciate his words.

“Now come on. You hate to stay in bed all day. Let’s get something to eat before we go to Harry’s house.” He tells me and I freeze.

I’m all for getting food. I’m starving and my stomach isn’t going to let me forget. But I don’t feel like I’ve got the energy to go to Harry’s. He’s great, but I don’t feel like I can.

“Mason,” I begin, feeling guilty about how I’m going to let them both down. “I’m not really feeling up to going over. You can go, but I don’t think I can handle an episode of your show at the moment.” I can tell by the way his face frowns a little that he is disappointed, but he puts on a small smile for me.

“Don’t worry about it. I’m sure Harry will understand. I can stay home if you’re not feeling well-“

“No no. Go hang out with Harry. I’ll be okay. I’m probably just going to play a game or something.” I tell him. “I’m just not feeling super social and ready to handle seeing those characters in love.”

“Do you promise you’ll be okay here by yourself?” He asks me. I nod.

“I promise.” I tell him genuinely. He nods at me, then gives me a hug before going to get something to eat and go to Harry’s.

I do get dressed though, because I know it will make me feel better. I put on my pants and look in the mirror before I put on my shirt.

I see my scars from my top surgery. They have healed and are so light. They used to be an angry red, but even when they were I was so happy to see them. I remember the first time seeing my flat chest and not being able to contain my smile. I still smile a little when I see it, knowing that it made me able to look at my body and be happy. I’m thankful every day that I’ve been privileged enough to be able to get this surgery.

I pull my shirt over my head and fix my hair. I walk out to the kitchen and scour the fridge for anything to eat. I just decide to make some toast.

As I’m putting a pad of butter on the bread, my phone dings, and I practically jump because of how unexpected it was. Not hearing it ding this morning made me so upset that I could hardly leave bed, but now that it is making noise I’m scared to look at it.

I walk slowly over to my phone on the table and open it with my passcode.

Harry: Hey. I heard you’re not having a good day. Do you want to talk about it? Or do you just want to talk about something else?

Harry’s name was not who I was expecting to see on my phone, but then again, I didn’t know who it would have been otherwise. Maybe Mason.

Me: Something else would be great, if that’s okay?

Three dots keep appearing, making me anxious as to what he could possibly be typing. I finish putting the butter on the bread and begin to eat. I sit down at the table and my phone dings again.

Harry: Of course it’s okay. I wouldn’t have offered it if it wasn’t. But at work yesterday, someone brought in ice cream for everyone. Staff appreciation I guess. They brought in some cookie dough and it made me think of you.

That brings a smile to my face. Cookie dough ice cream is my favorite. It’s what I took to his house last week. It’s best eaten with the chocolate syrup that Harry put on it for me.

Me: Was there any syrup there?

Harry: Only strawberry. Clearly they don’t know what’s good for them🙄

That made me chuckle a little. I didn’t think I’d be laughing today, let alone smiling. In bed, it just didn’t feel possible. But Harry worked his magic.

Me: Clearly. Has your show started yet?

A brief pause before typing bubbles show up.

Harry: Yes. It’s just a filler episode about the two that you saw last time.

Me: I’m sorry I’m interrupting your show. I can let you go.

Harry types immediately,

Harry: No.

Harry: I want to talk to you.

Harry: If that’s okay.

He seems panicked that I would suggest he watch his show with Mason. That I would say I don’t want to talk right now.

Me: As long as it’s okay with you. I don’t want to weigh you down with my problems and feelings.

I’ve finished my toast ages ago, but I find myself frozen at the table, a curious excitement going through me at his texts. I really hope I’m not bothering him. I know how much Mason enjoys their show time together, and I don’t want to ruin it for them. But he says it’s okay. Is it really? Or is he being nice to me because I’m upset? Am I overthinking this?

Harry: Calum. You’re not going to weigh me down. You’re allowed to feel upset about what’s happening. You deserve for someone to love you. Every single part of you. I’ll tell you that until you’re sick and tired of me saying it. And maybe even then.

There was a typing bubble up there for a while but then it vanished, waiting for my reply. Then he started typing again.

Harry: If you ever want to talk, not even about Travis, you can always text or call me.

Me: I really appreciate that. I might have to take you up on that when you’re not watching your show. I’ve got a lot going on in my brain.

Harry: Call me whenever. I don’t care if it’s the middle of the night or middle of the day.

Me: Thank you Harry. Now go enjoy your show. We can talk about it later.

I put my phone down, letting Harry go despite my excitement at talking to him. Why am I so excited? Is it just because I’m lonely.

I spend the day sitting on the couch and playing games until I hear keys out in the hallway. I pause the game as Mason unlocks the door and comes in.

“How was your show?” I asked him as he shut the door and put his keys in the bowl. He kicks off his black shoes and socks.

“It was okay. Just a filler episode. How are you?” He asks me, shooting a curious glance in my direction. I pause my game and turn around on the cushion. He walks towards me and stands in front of me. I look up to see his face.

“I’m okay.” I answer truthfully. He gives me a look of concern. His eyebrows scrunch at me. “Really. I’ve relaxed all day and played games.” I told him. He looks at the sink and the dish drying rack.

He pauses a moment as he studies them. He turns back to me. “What have you eaten today?” He asks me, which instantly makes me feel hungry and guilty. I look away from him, not wanting to admit that I don’t have the stomach to eat, even after talking to Harry. “Calum.” He says like a parent getting ready to scold a child.

I look back at him and remember that I did eat. A single piece of toast isn’t much, but it’s not nothing.

“Toast.” Is all I say.

“I knew I should have had something delivered, but I was afraid you wouldn’t hear the knock on the door. Cal you have to eat. You can’t go all day without eating.”

I look away again, at the sink that gave me away. Not a single dirty dish. Not a pot or pan taking time to soak. Not even a drop of water in the basin. Mason finally sits down beside of me.

“I know what you’re going through is hard, but I don’t want you to lose weight or think that you can’t eat or you refuse to eat. I don’t want that for you.” He looks at me now with care instead of scolding. He pulls out his phone and starts an order for delivery. He passes the device over to me and tells me to choose a place to eat and what I want. I do, choosing Chinese takeout and getting a combination of noodles and chicken. Mason seems satisfied and places the order from his debit card.

I get up and get my wallet, and Mason refuses to let me pay for my food.

“Mason-“

“I’ve got it. Don’t worry.” He says and it makes me feel guilty. He has to take care of me because I didn’t eat today. He feels obligated to. I’m a burden on him. He worried about me the whole time he was with Harry instead of having fun with his friend.

My worrying causes a silence to fall over us. I can’t get out of my head. I’m just sinking into this sea of thoughts. Will this get better? Will I ever stop being a burden? Will I ever be able to be happy again?

The delivery man is here faster than we expected. I answer the door even though I don’t have the energy to get up and talk to anyone. I don’t want Mason to think he has to do everything for me.

I dish our food out and eat quickly, my stomach completely empty and wanting more. I eat until I’m stuffed, and Mason does the same. I help clean up, me picking up garbage and Mason cleaning up the silverware we used because we both cannot use chopsticks.

“I think I’m going to go to my room. I’ll see you tomorrow.” I tell Mason and he waves me goodnight. I shut my bedroom door, immediately wanting to reach for my phone to call Harry, his offer of support needed in this moment, but I hesitate. I’ve burdened Mason all night. I don’t want to do the same to Harry. I’m stuck and I don’t know what to do. I want to call him. I want to talk to him.

I go against my better judgement and hit the call button. Harry picks up on the third ring.

“Hey Calum.” He answers, the background noise being paused.

“Hey. I hope it’s not too late to want to call.” I whisper, not wanting to bother Mason.

“No of course not. Remember. Middle of the night or middle of the day. It’s okay.” He tells me.

“Thank you Harry.” I tell him. “It’s nice to have someone to talk to. Of course I talk to Mason, but I feel like I’m hurting him too.”

“How so?” He asks me, genuine care and curiosity in his voice.

I explain to him about not eating, and Mason paying for the food, making me feel like he needed to take care of me and not just be able to come home and enjoy his night.

“You know that if he knew you felt that way, he’d tell you the same thing I do. You’re not a burden.” He says softly.

“I know, I just don’t want him to think I’m not getting better. I don’t want him to worry about me.”

“Even if you’re doing good he will always worry about you. He’s your big brother. That’s what they do. My sister says she worries about me all the time, even though she is hours away.”

“Do you ever feel like a burden to her?” I ask shyly.

“Yeah, sometimes. But I know she just cares about me so I try not to be too hard on myself. You shouldn’t be either. This is just how it is sometimes. I’m sure if Mason ever has a hard time, you’re there for him, right?”

“Of course.”

“Well he feels that way about you too.” Harry says and I let it sink in. I take a moment and repeat the words in my head.

Without much thinking about how personal the question is, I blurt it out of my mouth.

“Have you ever had to break up with someone before?” I asked. As soon as I realized what I had said, I tried to take it back, but he wouldn’t let me, my word vomit becoming out of control.

“I did. It was a few years ago though. He was really nice, but he didn’t want me to have friends. He wanted to be the only person in my life who talked to me and knew me. I knew that wasn’t right. I hated to break up with him but I knew I would be better for it.”

“He? You’re-“ I start to ask a question, but he cuts me off.

“You didn’t know? I thought everyone knew I was bisexual. I thought Mason would have told you.”

“Mason wouldn’t out you unless you explicitly told him it was okay to.” I tell him.

“Well, that’s nice. I appreciate that, but everyone in my life knows. It isn’t a secret. If they aren’t okay with that, they don’t deserve to know me.” He says and I smile. Different reasons for the same concept. If they aren’t okay with me, they don’t deserve to know me. “Sound familiar?” He asks and I nod, forgetting he can’t see me.

“Yeah it does.”

“It was hard to let some people go, but my happiness means more than anything. You being happy means more than anything.” He tells me and it makes me feel warm. Hearing him say it stirs something in me, but I shove it down. I can’t think like that about Harry. I don’t want to hurt him. I can’t like Harry.

Maybe I’m just overthinking the feeling. Maybe it’s just because he’s saying everything I need to hear. I want to hear it though. It’s sounds so sweet. And it feels nice.

I shake my head of the thoughts.

“Did you fall asleep?” He asks softly.

“No. I’m here.” I swallow hard. “I just don’t know what to say.”

“How come?”

“You’re just… saying all of the right things. It’s nice to hear.”

“I’m not just saying them, Cal. I mean them. You’re one of the best people on the planet. You are so kind and caring. You’re not afraid to be yourself. You’re brave. You’re funny. You’re awesome to be around. Anyone would be lucky to have you.”

I feel my face turn a bright shade of red.

“Harry… I…”

“You don’t have to say anything if you don’t want to. But I meant every word.

“Thank you.” I say after a few minutes. “I’m glad I called you. You’re a really great person too. You’ve done more for me than I could have asked for.”

There was a brief pause again, silence lingering for a minute.

“Can I ask you a personal question?” He finally says.

My heart starts hammering in my chest, not knowing what he is going to ask. It’s only fair because I asked him such a personal question earlier.

“Sure.” I say, trying to hide the anxiety in my voice.

“What would make you feel okay? And I don’t mean time, or something like that. What would make you forget about him?” He asks and I’m stunned for a moment. Like my whole world shifted.

I’m not quite sure how to answer. Time would be the best answer to give, but he wants a deeper answer. Something not on the surface. Something deep. Something personal. And if I’m really honest with myself, time would never get rid of the hurt. I would always remember this. But all Ive wanted since I climbed out of bed this morning is simple. Connection. Someone to love me truly.

“Any time I’ve ever felt this bad, I’ve always just wanted to be held. Words are nice, helpful. But I think I would truly be comforted if I could just have someone to hold me. To just wrap their arms around me, and just be content with having me there. I know that sounds stupid but-“

“It’s not stupid. That sounds really nice. Just sitting with someone, feeling how warm they are as they hold you close. Just being loved. That’s not stupid. It sounds wonderful.”

“I don’t know if that’s the kind of answer you were looking for, but it’s the only thing that came to my mind. I don’t think I’d even remember what this pain felt like if I could just be loved. I’m sure he loved me at one time, but it slowly dissolved. I just want to be loved for who I am, trans or not. Even if that wasn’t a factor. I deserve that.”

“You do.” Harry says. “I’m glad you know that.”

I can’t help but to yawn, the emotionally taxing day catching up with me. My eyes start to feel heavy, but I don’t want this to end.

“Are you tired? I can let you go so that you can get some sleep.”

“Is it weird if I say that I don’t want to? I’m exhausted but I don’t want this conversation to end. I don’t want to hang up.”

“Then don’t. I can stay on the phone if you want me to.” He tells me, a trace of hope in his voice, but for what?

“Is that weird? I don’t want to make you uncomfortable or anything. I don’t think I could handle losing a friend too.”

A pause, and then, “You don’t have to worry about that. And it’s not weird. Go ahead and go to sleep. I’ll stay on until you hang up on me.” He tells me.

“Thank you.” I whisper, unsure if he can hear me. “Goodnight Harry.”

“Goodnight Calum.” He says, letting me know he could hear me. Whatever noise was on before resumes, but I can’t make out what it is. It could be music or a television show.

My eyes drift closed with the comfort of Harry being on the other end. The sweet words he spoke to me keep replaying in my head and I’m having a hard time shoving the nice thoughts away. I can’t think of him that way. I shouldn’t. But the words swirl around my head until I’m out.

The next week is filled with similar late night phone calls and texts through the day. Harry always lifting me up and supporting me, making me laugh and smile. It just makes not liking him that much harder because this past week has been almost perfect. I’ve had my moments when I feel like I’m too much, but Harry finds a way to make a feel a little bit better.

Harry: So are you coming over for show night?

Me: Yeah I am. Did Mason tell you they made him work a late shift today?

Harry: Yeah he did. He said he’s still coming over to watch it but he will be late.

Me: Do you want me to come over at our normal time or wait for Mason?

Harry: You can come if you want to. You’re always welcome.

Harry: I’ve got ice cream.

Harry: If that helps my case.

Me: Hmm. I don’t know. Maybe. Do you have any chocolate syrup?

Harry: I do 😁

Me: Okay. I’ll be there at 4

I’ve got a bit more of a pep in my step today than I have since I broke up with Travis, and I can’t deny why that is.

Since he fell asleep with me on the phone a week ago; I haven’t been able to shove the thoughts down. I know it’s not a good idea. I don’t want to hurt him. I don’t want to weigh on him, but my heart races now when his name pops up on my phone, and I really think I’m doomed to fall for him no matter how hard I try not to. I try to remind myself that he’s my friend. And Mason’s friend too. How would that make him feel if he knew I liked his best friend? How would he feel about me moving on so quickly to Harry? Would it affect their friendship? This is bigger than me. It would change everything. And that’s what I’m afraid of. But my stomach is full of butterflies anyways.

I put on some blue jeans and a black shirt, fixing my hair in the mirror. The house is oddly quiet since Mason isn’t here. I’m rarely home alone like this. It’s weird.

I’m too antsy waiting for the clock to move. It’s not going fast enough. I just want to talk to him. And this will be the first time in a long time we will hang out without Mason. I don’t know what to expect. I’m kind of nervous.

I shouldn’t be nervous. It’s just Harry. I’ve known him since we were kids. We went to school together. And I definitely do not need to be falling for him. I can’t. I can feel my palms get sweaty and I have to run them across my jeans to try and dry them.

I spray my cologne and grab my car keys. I can do this. We can hang out, and not be romantically involved. He probably doesn’t even like me that way, even if I could have him.

I walk down the never ending stairs and through the entrance of my apartment building. I open the door to my car and shut myself inside. My hands shake slightly when trying to put the key into the ignition. I’m so doomed.

The entire drive to Harry’s house seems to drag on. I grip the steering wheel so hard my knuckles turn white, just to try and stop the shaking. I pull into his drive what feels like an eternity later. I switch the car off and put the keys into my pocket. I step out of the car and make my way up to the door, one quiet footstep at a time. Before I can bring my hand up to knock, Harry’s face is already smiling at me and welcoming me in.

“Hey Calum.” He says, his arms open wide. He wraps me in them and I practically melt into him. I have never known Harry to give many hugs, but I’m not complaining.

He’s pretty solid, and his arms hold me so tight. It reminds me of our conversation the other night, just about wanting to be held. And I think that this is the type of hold I meant. I practically sigh with contentment before I realize how crazy I must look just falling into his arms like that. I let go of him and take a half of a step back.

He motions me to follow him to the kitchen, where I see two empty bowls and spoons sitting on the counter.

“You’re prepared.” I state, liking the feeling that Harry was as excited to see me as I was to see him.

“Yeah, sorry. I didn’t know if you would want some as soon as you got here or if you wanted to wait.”

“If you want some now that’s cool with me. I could eat ice cream whenever.” I told him, trying not to let the emotion through of how good I feel right now. I don’t want to seem obsessive. He’s just my friend. He’s just my friend.

Harry’s smile somehow grows even bigger when he pulls out a tub of my favorite ice cream. He grabs a spoon and dishes me out a bowl and then himself. Next, he grabs the chocolate syrup and hands it to me.

“I’ll let you do the honors.” He tells me as I pop the top of the syrup bottle. I swirl it all over my bowl of ice cream, and then Harry pushes his bowl over to mine and I continue onto his serving.

Once all do the chocolate syrup is applied we go and sit on the couch and begin to eat.

“How has your day been so far?” I ask him. He takes a bite of his ice cream before he answers.

“It’s been pretty uneventful. I’ve really just been hanging around waiting for you to come over.”

“Me too. I haven’t gotten much done today.” I admit as Harry grabs the tv remote. He turns on my favorite baking show as I tell him some small details about my day.

“You didn’t have to do that. We can watch what you want.” I tell him and he shakes his head. He takes the last bite of his ice cream and sets his bowl on the end stand.

“I like this too. It’s okay. Unless you want to watch something else?” He asks curiously, ready to grab the remote if I tell him so.

“No this is good. I love this show.” I tell him. I slowly finish off my icecream as well and set my bowl down next to Harry’s.

Harry and I normally sit on opposite ends of the couch with Mason in the middle, but since Mason isn’t here, Harry sits there.

I am painfully aware of how close he is sitting to me. Our knees touch, which isn’t something I would have noticed before, but right now even through his pants and my jeans, my skin is on fire.

I try to ignore the feeling. Shove it down. I cant do this to him. To Mason. I just have to keep telling myself that.

I look up to the tv to see what is happening on the show, trying to ignore my thoughts and the fire crawling up my skin. The woman on the screen has just realized that her cake has burned and is scrambling to fix it before she has to decorate it for the judges to see.

Harry sits quietly beside of me, observing the woman’s cake and looking over at me. I can’t tell if he lingers on me for too long or if I’m thinking of him like that again. He seems nervous and I have no idea why. He keeps fidgeting with his rings and his shirt.

We stay like this through the rest of the episode, and the countdown for the next one is just beginning when Harry gets my attention.

“Hey Calum.” He says, nervousness in his voice that he is trying to hide, but I can still hear it.

“Yeah?” I look over at him. Did he somehow get closer to me? I don’t remember him being this close.

“I have a question for you, and I don’t want to make you feel weird, or pressured, or anything.” He tells me and my heart picks up speed, so fast I think it might escape from my chest.

“Okay.” I say nervously. “What’s your question?”

He takes a deep breath, “Do you remember last week, when I asked you what would make you forget about him?” He asks, his fingers fidgeting with his rings on his hands. He never breaks eye contact though.

“Yeah. I remember.” I state, not sure where this could be going. I wish my heart rate would slow. I can only half hear him over the sound.

“You told me how you wanted to be held. And I.. um. If you wanted me to, I could hold you. But if you don’t want to that’s perfectly fine. I just thought that maybe you would want that.” He says, some parts rushed and other drawn out due to his anxiety. He has blindsided me. I didn’t know, or ever think Harry would want to. When I answered his question last week, I didn’t know he meant that he would do whatever I said.

But as much as I know I shouldn’t want it, his offer sounds perfect. If his hug was anything like his holding will be, I want it so bad. I shouldn’t. I know that. But it felt so nice. It was so warm and solid. It was a strong hug. It’s was really nice. How can I say no? How do I say no this?

I can’t.

“That would be nice, but only if you’re sure. I didn’t tell you that to make you feel pressured to do it when we saw each other again.”

“I want to.” He says vulnerably.

“Okay. How do you want to sit?” I ask him, my nerves matching his now. He scoots himself to his normal end of the couch and motions me to follow him. I scoot over to him and sit beside of him. His left arm wraps over my shoulders and his other arm drapes over my chest as I lay on him. My legs hang off of the edge of the couch.

He’s so warm. His hold is firm, but not harsh. Comforting. I melt into this and I know that from this moment on I wasn’t going to be able to keep the thoughts away. Mason would have to be reasoned with. I like Harry. And I don’t know how Harry feels about me. If this is anything to him, it’s everything to me.

“Is this okay?” Harry asks carefully. I can feel myself melting under his touch, my skin on fire again. Can he hear my heart racing? Can he feel it with his hand on my chest?

“This is…” I search for the word I want to use. Good doesn’t begin to cover how this feels. It was an awkward start, and I don’t know what this means for Harry and I, but it’s exactly what I wanted. “Perfect. Are you sure this is okay?” I ask him softly. I’m afraid if I speak too loud I might shatter this fragile moment.

“Of course it’s okay. I offered. I’ve kind of wanted to talk to you for a while about something like this.” He says back at the same volume. “But I’ve been really anxious. I didn’t know how you felt about me, and when you said what you wanted last week, I couldn’t not say anything. I’m sorry if that sounds weird.” His fingers delicately trace patterns onto my chest. I can feel how quick he is breathing, and how hard he is trying to keep it even.

“It’s not weird. What did you mean you’ve wanted to talk about something like this?” Is all I manage to say, my anxiety making it hard for me to speak too.

“I like you Calum. I have for a while. You were with him,” Harry couldn’t say his name; and I’m kind of glad because I don’t think I could handle hearing it. I don’t want to hear it. This hold on me is exactly what I wanted to forget his name. And now I’ve got it. “So I didn’t say anything. And I know you haven’t been out of that relationship for long, but I was hoping this was okay. That I wasn’t going to ruin our friendship if you didn’t want me to hold you like you said on the phone.”

I couldn’t really believe what I was hearing. I understood the words perfectly but I can’t process them. Harry likes me? He has for a while? While I was with-

I cut the thought off, avoiding his name again. I’m not sure what to say at this moment in time. I can’t wrap my head around it all.

“Your silence is starting to scare me a bit.” He tries to joke, but his nerves come through his laugh. I didn’t realize I had been quiet for so long.

“You like me? I’m quite a lot to deal with. I-“ I begin, Harry interrupting me.

“Calum. I’ve told you before. Maybe not as clearly as in this moment, but I have. You just didn’t realize it. And you’re not too much to deal with.”

“I am.” I sat up, facing him now. I knew I was going to have to say his name. “I drove Travis away. I hurt him. I don’t want to hurt you. I care about you. You don’t deserve to be called all of those things. You don’t deserve-“ he cuts me off again. His brown curls lay beautifully relaxed on his forehead. I don’t know why I was arguing with him, because I like him too, but I can’t hurt him. I can’t do this.

“Calum.” He says, gently placing his hand on my cheek. It immediately brought me into a sharp focus. His green eyes. The stubble that painted his jawline. Has he always been so beautiful? “I cannot make this any more clear to you. I like you. You being trans does not change that. It’s part of who you are, and I like you for who you are. A handsome, wonderful, kind, sweet man who deserves the world. Whose smile lights up the room.”

His eyes look directly into mine and I can’t help but to give him a small smile. The words I would have given anything for someone to say to me and mean it. It turns out that I didn’t have to give anything at all.

“There’s your smile.” Harry points out, then returns to looking into my eyes.

“I like you too.” I manage to say. “A lot.” Harry’s face breaks into the biggest smile I’ve ever seen in my entire life. His face inches closer to mine and he closes his eyes. I close mine as his lips gently press onto mine. Harry doesn’t hold back. He isn’t nervous anymore.

My chest feels like lighting and my lips against his feel so warm. It feels like safety. It feels like home. I can’t remember any reason why I would have fought this. How long have I kept Harry waiting? My fingers play with the loose curls at the nape of his neck. His one hand holds my face steady and his other hand’s fingers sit lazily on my neck.

When his lips part from mine, it feels like a cold breeze passing on them. I miss his lips already. His hands leaves my cheek and neck, but finds my own hands. He holds them tightly.

He seems breathless, and his face is flushed. His eyes are wide and crazed. I’m sure I look the same way. His hair is slightly messier and I know that’s my fault.

“Can we do it again?” I ask, all nerves and anxiety out the window. Harry chuckles before letting my hands go and pulling me closer and kissing me again. His hands play in my hair and find their way down my chest. I’m eventually so close to him, but it’s not close enough. He pulls me up and sits me on his lap, never breaking the kiss for more than a moment.

His kiss is so passionate, lips doing a delicate dance with mine. Until they’re not.

His lips leave mine and they are cold again. He is moving me off of his lap and my head swirls with confusion. Why the sudden abandonment? He walks over towards the door when I hear a sound. A light knock on the door. Did I miss the first one?

“Hey Mason.” Harry says, loud enough for me to hear from the living room. I scoot over to my usual seat on the couch, knowing I can fix my hair, but not the blush on my face. I’m sure Harry is having the same problem. They both walk into the room and start talking, Harry grabbing the remote and turning off baking and finding their show. Mason sits in between us, setting a pizza on the coffee table.

I know he had to answer the door, but I feel abandoned. He was in such a rush, he just ran away from me without a word. I know I shouldn’t pay it any mind, but I feel crushed. My chest is caving in from the sudden loss.

I’ve never been one to be able to act like everything is fine. I may try but I always fail. And I know I can’t hide the hurt and disappointment on my face. I knew we would have to work out how to tell Mason, but I didn’t think we would immediately act like nothing happened. My whole world flipped again and again. I don’t know what I should have expected.

Harry looks behind Mason and at me as Mason talks about the next episode, trying to fill me in on what I missed last week, but I can’t hear him. I look into Harry’s eyes, and I can feel a question behind them, but I can’t read minds. I just look away and I try to focus on anything but the piercing green eyes that are staring at me.

The show starts, and Mason starts digging into the pizza. Harry grabs two plates, and offers one to me.

“Are you hungry?” He asks me, wanting to ask more but not able to. Mason has no idea what he has walked in to. Despite the blush on Harry’s face, it’s as if nothing happened.

“No, thanks.” I answer, not purposely trying to be short, but unable to say anything but the minimum. Harry gives me a worried look, but sets the plate down on the table within my reach in case I change my mind.

“You don’t want pizza?” Mason asks me curiously. I shake my head, trying not to make direct eye contact with him. I look up at the tv to try and distract from his investigative gaze. He eventually looks away, but I know he is going to ask about it later. Nothing ever gets past him. He can read me like a book.

I keep my eyes on the tv, but don’t see anything that’s happening. My thoughts race around like animals breaking out of the zoo. I can feel Harry looking over at me, checking on me, but he should know what I’m thinking.

When the show is over, I want to bolt out of the door, but I know that will only make Mason more suspicious of my behavior. I have to act normal. We gather our stuff up and go to the door. Mason and Harry pat each other on the back and Mason walks out to his car, shutting the door behind him. I’m about to turn to follow when Harry puts his hand on my shoulder to stop me.

“Calum, you’re upset with me.” He states plainly. I turn back in his direction.

“Yes.” Is all I answer.

“The knock on the door startled me, and there’s some other things I wanted to talk about before we told-“

“I know. I just didn’t like the way it happened.” I told him and he looked more upset than he had all evening.

“I didn’t either. I’m sorry.” He pleads with his eyes, begging me to say it’s okay.

“Don’t be. I’ll talk to you later, okay?” I tell him. I try to turn again but he stops me by wrapping his arms around me. I melt again. Upset or not, his hugs will always have this effect on me I think.

“Calum, I meant every word I said earlier. I think we just need to iron some things out before we tell Mason.”

“I know.” I say, separating the hug. “I’ll call you before I go to bed, if that’s okay?”

“Of course it’s okay. Middle of the night and middle of the day.” He reminds me again, looking a little more at ease now that he knows I’ll talk to him soon. I twist the door knob and open the door, letting in the night breeze. I step outside and walk to my car in the driveway. Once I’m in, I look up and see Harry still has the door open, looking at me. I wave to him before backing out and driving back to my house, where I know Mason is waiting for me.

I take a deep breath before walking through my own front door, because I know Mason is on the other side. I conjure up whatever bravery and mask I can put on my face and open the door.

“Hey.” I say as soon as I walk in. Mason is sitting on the couch, the tv not turned on and the house quiet.

“Hey. Are you feeling okay?” He asks, launching straight into his investigation. I want to be mad at him for prying, but I know he does it out of love.

“Yeah. I’m feeling fine. Why do you ask?” I play it off and I hope I’m believable.

“You seemed kind of off at Harry’s. I didn’t know if you were having a bad day or if something happened. You didn’t want to eat.” He tells me, his brow furrowed as he looked at me, his eyes full of worry.

“I ate ice cream before you got there, so I wasn’t super hungry. And I’m fine. You don’t need to look so worried.” I tell him as I walk over to him and poke his forehead where his eyebrows are pinched together. He relaxes his face a little, not wanting to get poked on the forehead again.

“But everything’s okay? You’re okay?” He asks me and I nod at him.

“I’m good.” I say to him before giving him a hug and heading to my room.

I change into my pajamas and climb into my bed. It’s as if Harry has a camera in my room, he calls me right as I cover up under the blankets. I quickly swipe the answer button.

“Hey.” I say, an almost whisper. “Were you getting antsy?” I ask, because usually he waits for me to call.

“I was just a little anxious that you would have changed your mind about everything. I was afraid I really screwed up.” He admits to me, anxiety evident in his tone.

“I just didn’t like being tossed off of your lap. Mason could have waited at the door a few more seconds while you told me to move. I didn’t even hear him knock. I was just really confused and hurt as to why you would push me off the way that you did without a word.”

“I shouldn’t have. I’m not going to sit here and try and make an excuse. I shouldn’t have done that and I’m really sorry.”

“You don’t have to keep apologizing. I just don’t want to feel like that anymore. Earlier was amazing. I couldn’t have asked for a better time. You’re a really good kisser.” I compliment. I know his face is red on the other side of the line.

“So are you.” He says and I’m not sure what to say. I’m sure if I tried to speak about that I’d be a stuttering mess. Thankfully, he begins to speak again. “But, about your brother. How do we want to go about this?” He asks me.

“I honestly don’t know. I’m afraid it would affect your friendship with him. He would be protective of me towards you and I don’t want to dismantle that. You guys have been friends forever.”

“I don’t think it would hurt us, but we would definitely have to have a talk about it, because we have kind of had this talk before.”

“You what?” I ask him, taken by surprise.

“Like I said earlier, I’ve had this crush on you for a while. Before Travis came around. Mason caught on about my feelings and gave me a talking to. He was very protective even then.”

My head started to spin again even though I was laying still. If he liked me before Travis was around, that means he liked me before my transition. When I went by that old name, and looked completely different. Before I was myself. And he still liked me through everything. And I was too blind to see it.

“Why didn’t you say anything?” I ask confused.

“Mason kind of scared me a bit. Like I said he was pretty protective.” He admits to me and I feel a bit of anger towards Mason for denying me the opportunity to know Harry like I do now. “And I could see you liked Travis. So I took a step back.”

“I’m sorry I’ve made you wait for so long.” I say, guilt covering me. “I-“

“It’s okay. You were figuring things out. Nothing to be sorry for. We’re here now. I know Mason is going to be protective and give me a speech about us, but I’m not going to let that scare me away.”

“We don’t have to tell him if that will keep him off of your back.”

“I don’t like keeping secrets from Mason. He’s my best friend.”

“I know he is, but I don’t want you to lose him as your best friend because of me. So I don’t know what to do. He can read me like a book. I’m not a very good liar. I wouldn’t be able to keep it from him.”

“I don’t think I could either. So we have to tell him eventually.” He says. A million things run through my brain. We don’t have to lie, but we don’t have to immediately sit down and tell him everything when we haven’t even discussed anything else yet. “What are you thinking?” Harry says after my moment of silence. I explain to him what I’m thinking.

“So, what are we?” I ask him after explaining, knowing how much like a movie character I sound.

“Well, I’d like to be your boyfriend, if you’ll have me.” He says, my face turning red.

“Of course. You’re the one who has to put up with me.” I tell him. I hear him sigh on the other side.

“I really wish you would stop thinking you’re so much to deal with just because of Travis. You’re wonderful. You being trans isn’t ever going to scare me away. If anything, it shows me how true you are. Despite all of the things people say about you, and how trans people are treated, you still said ‘This is who I am and you’re just going to have to deal with it’. You’ve made yourself feel at home in a body that wasn’t yours. Despite everything you became who you are. I think that’s beautiful. It’s nothing to be ashamed of or making you ‘too much’. You’re perfect.” He says to me and I feel tears sliding down my cheeks and onto my pillow. “I tell you as many times as you need to hear it.”

“Thank you.” I choke out, wanting to hide the fact that he’s made me cry, but I’m still not a good liar.

“Don’t thank me. It’s the truth.” Harry says. There is a long pause, and I take the time to try and collect myself again, figuring out what we are going to do.

We are dating. I don’t know that me telling Mason would make it easier on Harry since they have talked before. The only thing I can think of is to not say anything yet. We will tell him if it comes up, or if we decide to sooner. I feel bad, but it’s to protect Harry. Protect his friendship. His best friend.

I tell Harry my thoughts and he agrees about doing that plan of action unless we think we should tell him sooner. We don’t have to actively hide anything, but of course we won’t be making out in front of Mason either. If he asks, we will tell him. If he doesn’t ask, that’s okay too for now.

Harry tells me goodnight as he yawns, unable to stay awake much longer. I tell him goodnight but neither of us hang up, letting the silence linger between us until we both fall asleep.

I knew I would fall for him, but I had no idea how fast I would fall.

- - -

Masterlist Series Part 1 Part 3 (Coming Soon)

Taglist @maudie-duan

Harry decided that we should go to the mall, and I’m really anxious. This is where Travis and I had a lot of issues. He didn’t want to hold my hand. He didn’t want people to think he was dating a boy I guess. I don’t understand. He was supportive and then he wasn’t. But Harry has been nothing but supportive, so what am I worried about?

We are in the car, driving to go clothes shopping and get haircuts. Harry is getting some new jeans and shirts while I’m getting my hair cut before it gets too long. Harry is his normal self, but he’s slowly been getting more affectionate. He can hardly keep his hands off of me. But I’m not complaining. The hugs, kisses, and hand holding is all I’ve ever wanted. It’s amazing.

My one hand is under my leg, trying to hide my shaking at going out for the first time with Harry in public. My other hand rests on top of his as it sits on my knee.

“You doing okay, love?” Harry asks. I’m not very good at hiding my anxiety.

“Yeah. I’m okay.” I say, not wanting him to worry about me. I’ll be okay. No matter what happens. I’ll be okay.

Harry glances over at me and his smiles falls a little bit.

“I don’t like it when you lie about how you’re feeling. I can see you’re anxious. Talk to me about it.” He says and guilt punches me in the stomach.

“You shouldn’t have to worry about me being anxious. I can handle a trip to the mall.” I tell him and there goes the last of Harry’s smile. His grip slightly tightens on my knee and I’m not sure he even realizes that he did it. It doesn’t hurt. It’s not scary. Just a small sign he doesn’t like what I said.

“You’ve said about Travis before. Is this because of him? Is he why you get so anxious at the mall?” He calls me out and I feel my face flushed red from guilt and embarrassment. I nod my head and Harry loosens his grip on my knee, my honesty relaxing him. “I’m not-“

“I know you’re not Travis. I know you’re supportive. That’s why I didn’t want you to worry. Because I know I’ll be okay. I know you’ll like me afterwords. I’m anxious for you. You’ll get called names if anyone knows I’m trans. You don’t deserve that.”

“Cal.”

“I know. I’m sorry. I know this is a repetitive conversation. I’m sorry.”

“Cal I love you. I love you so much.” He tells me and I freeze in my seat. “I’ll defend us if it comes to it, but it doesn’t have to be the way Travis made it. I love you.”

“I love you.” I say without hesitation. I truly mean it. Harry is the best thing to happen to me and my life. I’ve been gifted with the best brother and his best friend. I get to live my life as myself and they still love me. Harry’s smile returns and I can’t help but to smile back, easing the anxiety away. He loves me.

We reach the mall and decide to let me get my haircut first. I’m sat in a chair immediately and asked what I want. I show them a picture on my phone and they get to chopping away while Harry stands to the side and watches. He smiles at me the whole time, admiring how my face lights up when I see the longer hair fall to the ground. I love having short and masculine hair. It feels good.

When the haircut is done, Harry swipes his card before I can get mine out and pay for it.

“Hey!” I say and Harry chuckles at me. We walk out of the hair salon and Harry’s chuckling dies down a bit. “You didn’t have to do that.”

“You looked so happy sitting in that chair. I couldn’t not want that for you. Paying for it is the least I could do to see you light up like that.” I know my face is turning red.

“Well, thank you.” I tell him, appreciating the kindness Harry has shown for me.

“You’re welcome.” He says, and places a small kiss on my lips. I melt anyways and grab his hair, wanting something deeper. He gives it to me, not even hesitating to kiss me and it’s an amazing feeling. When we separate, we begin to walk to one of the clothing stores Harry wanted to visit. He grabs my hand on the way and I feel myself falling harder every second of it.

We walk into the clothing store and Harry begins browsing the jeans. As I walk with him I see some things I would like and put them in my basket. We both end up buying at least two pairs of pants and a couple of shirts. We each pay for our clothes and walk out of the store.

“I’m starving.” Harry says. “Do you want to get dinner with me since we are out?” He asks kindly and I nod. His hand is still in mine.

“Can we get tacos?” I say, really in the mood for them.

“Of course.” He says as we walk to the food court. Harry orders for us both as I pick the table and sit down. Once Harry gets the order we sit down at the table together and eat, talking the whole time about how good of a day we are having and how great it was to get to spend the day at the mall together.

A person walks up to us at our table and my body tenses. I have no idea who this person is and why they are here.

“Hey. Sorry to intrude on your lunch, but is that a trans tattoo on your wrist?” They asks and I feel the familiar fear crawl up my spine.

“Yeah, It is.” I say shortly. Harry looks serious as he puts down his food.

“It’s beautiful work isn’t it?” Harry asks her and she beams brightly. “Person who did it is super talented.”

“They are. I’ve recently come out to my family and they aren’t really supportive of me using he/him pronouns. But it’s awesome to see other trans people out and living happy. It gives me hope. So thank you.” He says and I smile at him. I remember what it was like to meet the first trans person I ever knew. It was an amazing feeling to finally have the words for myself that I needed.

“Don’t thank me. Just don’t let them get you down. It will get better. Okay?”

“Okay. Have a good day.” He said and I returned it. Harry just smiles at me and gives me a big kiss for being brave as he put it. His hands rest on my cheek as he leans over the table and plants his soft lips onto mine.

When the kiss is over, we resume our lunch and then go to Harry’s house. Once we pull onto Harry’s street, Mason’s car is in the driveway. We weren’t expecting him to come over.

“What is he doing here?” Harry asks me but I’m just as clueless as he is.

“I have no idea. Maybe he just wants to hang out?” I guess as we get out of the car and so does Mason. He doesn’t look happy as he gets out of his car. He looks almost angry. Irritated. Upset.

“Hey.” Harry says lightly, not sure how to gauge Mason’s situation.

“Hey. We need to talk. Can I come inside?” Mason says, putting his hands in his pockets.

“Yeah of course.” Harry says, wanting to be supportive of whatever is bothering my brother. I want to be supportive too. It must be serious if he just showed up to Harry’s house without talking to him first.

But maybe he tried to, but Harry was out with me. Our trip to the mall could have hurt Mason. He could be feeling ignored. Alone. Maybe that’s why he just popped over.

Once we all get inside we put our bags down and sit down in the living room. Except Mason doesn’t sit down. He stands in front of the tv, looking at Harry and I. His hands still fidget in his pockets.

“What’s wrong Mason?” I ask, afraid that he is so upset. I haven’t seen him this upset in a long time.

Mason takes a deep breath, trying to calm how antsy he is.

“Let me just start that you guys are the two most trusted people in my life. You guys mean the world to me.” Mason begins.

“You mean the world to us too Mason.” I say. It doesn’t seem to be received. Harry sits anxiously on the couch beside of me, his leg bouncing so fast I think he might take off running like The Flash.

“And I’m trying to be really cool about this but I’m not going to lie. I’m a little mad.” Mason continues. “You didn’t trust me.”

I’m so confused. Didn’t trust him with what? What have we done wrong?

“Mason, you’re being cryptic. Say what you mean.” Harry says in a serious tone, ready to jump to the point.

“I saw you guys at the mall. You guys made out like there was no one else there. You didn’t even trust me to know. Why didn’t you trust me to know?” He says and now the anger and betrayal make sense. He wasn’t hurt by Harry not answering his phone. He found us out and is hurt that his best friend and his brother didn’t trust him enough to tell him they are dating. He points at me. “You tell me everything. He’s my best friend. Why would you do that? Why wouldn’t you talk to me?” He scolds. He points over at Harry next, “and you. You’re my best friend. We’ve talked about you liking Cal before. Why didn’t you talk to me either?”

“Mason,” Harry breathes out, hurt evident in his voice. “We weren’t ready to tell you yet. We didn’t want you to freak out. I know we’ve talked about this before but you have to understand you don’t get to choose who you fall in love with. And I love Calum.”

“You said you’d try to date others-“

“And I did.” Harry replies quickly.

“Hey!” I say loudly between them. “You guys are talking about this like it doesn’t involve me and my feelings. Mason what do you mean you told him to try and date others?”

Mason breathes deeply again, not realizing what he has spilled in front of me. Him and Harry made a deal. One that I had no idea what happened. I look over at Harry and I can tell he is even more anxious now.”

“I asked Harry to try to date other people. I didn’t want him dating my sister. And when you transitioned I thought Harry would know that I still didn’t want him to date my brother. I didn’t think we needed to talk about this.”

“Who are you to decide who dates who Mason?” I say, feeling myself getting irritated as well. “Harry can date who he wants. If he loves me why can’t he date me? Why can’t I date him?”

“Because he is my best friend. You guys are so important to me. What happens if you break up. How do you think that is going to feel for me? I have to choose my brother or my friend. That’s not a position I want to be in.”

“Well let me make it clear that I don’t intend on breaking up with Cal.”

“You never do when you first start dating. You never see the end.”

“Mason. This is ridiculous-“ I start but am cut off by Harry.

“I understand where you’re coming from, but I love Cal. And you need to understand I really did try to back away for you. I didn’t confess my feelings when I saw Travis getting closer. I let him go. I dated other people. But it wasn’t fair to them because I still loved Cal. And you’re my friend but you’re not my boss. We wanted to tell you in time. This is still pretty fresh. We wanted to figure it out more ourselves and how to tell you.” Harry states, his leg still bouncing up and down. Mason takes his hands out of his pockets and plays with a small keychain he had in there.

Hearing Harry say he tried with other people but still had feelings for me makes me ache. I could have avoided Travis and his heartbreak all along if it wasn’t for Mason’s actions. I could have loved Harry sooner. I could have been happier. Why wouldn’t Mason want that for me. My chest squeezes with the hurt of all of this coming to the surface.

“Mason, why wouldn’t you want me to date Harry? I don’t understand?”

“It’s like I said. I never wanted to have to choose.”

“You don’t have to. Nothing has to change.” I tell him and he shakes his head.

“Everything will change. Tv nights will be different. You guys will cuddle and kiss and I’ll feel weird. Any time we hang out now I’ll be the third wheel. I don’t want to be excluded because you guys got together. And I know that sounds selfish but whatever. I’ll be selfish.”

“Nothing has to change. Yeah we might peck and hold hands but it’s not like we would do anything to make you uncomfortable. We aren’t going to forget about you.” Harry reassures him. He stands up and gets in front of Mason and wraps his arms around him. They hug for a moment, solidifying the friendship Mason was so afraid to lose. His anger wasn’t jealousy. He’s not a selfish child when their parents have a second baby. He is just afraid of losing the two most important people of his life to each other. That’s understandable.

I stand up and hug Mason as well. He wraps his arms tightly around me. “I just love you guys.” He says in my shoulder.

“We love you too Mason.” Harry and I both say at the same time. Mason finally relaxes and we all sit down on the couch, except Mason takes my old spot and lets me sit next to Harry.

“Well, this is one thing that probably has to change isn’t it.” Mason mentions the positioning on the couch.

“It doesn’t have to.” Harry says. And I nod along. I knew this would be hard but I never would have imagined this is how Mason found out. A kiss in the food court and our first I love yous. My first positive experience at the mall.

“Are we still hanging out this week?” Mason asks, his nerves beginning to ease as he becomes more relaxed at the sight of us sitting next to each other.

“Of course.” Harry answers Mason. “Are you bringing food or am I making something?”

Their conversation falls into normalcy and it brings ease to my anxiety. Mason walked in angry and hurt and is calm and okay now. I hope he understands. I love Harry. I love him a lot.

At least Mason knowing allows us to take a breath of fresh air. We can talk about it. He knows about us and we can hold hands and be happy. I can be happy.

God only knows how long I’ve waited for a happiness like this.

“Calum?” Harry’s voice cuts through my thoughts. “What do you want to do. Do you want to ride home with Mason or stay here for a while longer?”

“Would you mind if I stayed?” I ask them both, knowing this is a sensitive moment for them both.

“I don’t mind.” Harry says immediately. Mason takes a moment to himself before answering.

“That’s fine. Just text me when you’re coming home and I’ll unlock the door for you.” He says calmly and gives me a hug before grabbing his keys and heading out the door.

Harry and I sit alone in the living room and I relax into him, his arms open wide ready to hold me. He kisses the top of my head and takes a deep breath.

“That’s not how I expected that to go.” Harry mumbles, the vibrations rumbling in his chest.

“I know. It was really unexpected.” I say, wanting to leave it behind. “Can I try on my new clothes?”

“Of course. You don’t have to ask. You can change in my bedroom if you want to.” Harry offers and I take my bags back the hallway and lay the clothes out on his bed. I try not to snoop, but I can’t help but to look around his room at the pictures on the wall. A few of him, of Mason, his sister, and a few of me from some of the times we hung out as friends.

I step closer to the one where Harry has his arm wrapped around me in a side hug. I can’t help but to think about how he liked me even then, even all that time ago. I’ve kept him waiting for a long time.

I stop my snooping and slip on the faded blue jeans and graphic t shirt onto my body. I look in the mirror and love the way they fit. The shirt falls perfectly over my chest and the jeans fit just right without hugging any curves too tightly.

I open the bedroom door and walk out to see Harry resting on the couch.

“Do I get to see?” He asks as I walk out to see him. When he turns around his eyes light up at the sight of me. He stands up and comes over to me, his eyes roaming my body. He places a hand on my cheek and pulls me in for a long and slow kiss.

“You look stunning. So handsome.” He says as his kisses trail from my lips to the one spot behind my ear that drives me crazy.

“I’ve still got more outfits.” I tell him and he smiles.

“Okay.” He says as he slowly backs away. “Does one of them not require a shirt?” He teases.

“I think one of them might. Only if I stay the night.” I mention, testing the waters with Harry. I’d sleep shirtless if he wanted me too. It’s all about him being comfortable seeing my scars from my surgery.

“You want to stay the night?” Harry asks hopeful.

“Only if you’re ready for that. I know we are kinda going fast and-

“I’d love for you to. If you’re ready for it.”

“Okay. Although telling Mason after him just calming down might not be a good idea. Maybe I’ll text him later.”

Harry face might split in half with his smile being so wide. He wraps me tightly in his arms and it makes me laugh. He lifts me up and kisses me with excitement. When he puts me down I go back to his room and put on another outfit. When I come back out his eyes look over my body again and it makes me feel amazing.

A wave is sadness hits me when I realize I’ve never been looked at like this before. But the happiness of Harry looking at me at all sweeps it away.

“Do you need some pjs for your next outfit, love?” Harry offers and I nod. Harry runs back and grabs me some pants. He also grabs a shirt just in case. But I only change into the pants, a little nervous at him seeing my scars. I can’t recall if he has ever seen them before.

When I come back out in only the pajama pants hanging low on my waist, enough to show the top of my boxers, I can practically hear Harry’s jaw hit the floor.

“How does this one look?” I ask and he just roams my body again, except this time, the kisses don’t stop at my neck. He slowly kisses down my chest and back up to my lips, definitely easing the anxiety in my chest about the scars, but creating a whole new anxiety instead.

I love Harry, but I am definitely not ready for sex yet. Not so soon. So him practically getting on his knees to kiss me and adore me kind of scares me a little, but he isn’t pushing or pressuring. He’s just loving on my body in a way no one has ever done before and it makes me love him all the more for it.

Harry comes back up and picks me up again, carrying me back to the couch and laying me down to continue kissing my chest and my neck.

“I love you.” I say as his soft lips trace invisible lines across me.

“I love you. More than you know.” He says in between kisses.

He finally calms down as he lays his ear on my chest and listens to my heartbeat. I take this time to text Mason and let him know about our plans and he just says okay. I put my phone away and play with Harry’s hair until he ends up dozing off on my chest. I hate to bother him, but I can’t sleep like this on the couch so I shake him gently.

“I’m so sorry for falling asleep.” He mumbles while rubbing his eyes. “I was just so comfortable.

“That’s fine. I was just wondering if we could move to the bed?” I ask gently. He nods and gets up and leads me to his room. He motions for me to lay down and I do. He resumes his position on my chest and I wrap my arms around him.

I’m exactly where I want to be. With Harry. Happy. Content. Loved. Cherished. I can’t believe I could feel this happy. I never would have imagined.

I wake up the next morning and Harry is already awake, sitting up in bed on his phone. When he notices me, he sits his phone on the nightstand and cuddles up to my side. I hold him tightly.

“Good morning.” He says to me. “How did you sleep?”

“Really good.” I reply, my voice gravelly from sleep.

“Why’s that?” He asks with a smile. I decide to tease him a little bit.

“You have a really comfortable bed.” I joke, knowing I slept as good as I did because he held me all through the night, his affection not wavering once.

He chuckles at me before placing a soft kiss on my lips. He is tenderly caressing my body and tracing paths up to my neck where his hands rest softly. My heart rate picks up as his lips wander. When my breath catches, he slows to a stop and looks down at me.

“You okay, love?” He asks me.

“Yeah. Better than okay.” I tell him and he smiles.

“Can I-“ he hesitates, and it makes my hands start to shake with the anxiety. “Would you want to go any further? You can set the pace.” He offers and I feel my stomach drop.

I want to, I just don’t feel ready enough. Not for sex. Maybe just exploring but not sex. He must be able to read the expression on my face because he begins to back off and move his hands.

“It’s not that I don’t want to,” I say quickly. “Just not sex. Not right now. We can go up to that point.” I tell him, wanting him to come back and be closer to me.

“I don’t want to pressure you into something you’re not ready for. I know it’s a big step. We can just kiss if that’s all you want.” He reassures me and I feel myself calm a bit. He seems genuine. He seems patient. His face is kind. And that puts me at ease.

“I’d be willing to go to my boxers, but that’s it, if that’s okay?” I ask him and he smiles.

“Of course that’s okay love. You can set the pace.” He repeats his statement from earlier and I love him even more for being so kind.

Harry continues to kiss me and I feel like I’m flying. If I’m setting the pace, I should probably make the first move and show Harry what I mean. I slide my head down Harry’s chest as we kiss and I slowly pull the string on his pajama pants until it comes loose. He helps me pull them down his legs until they get tossed on the floor. He does the same to me and I help him get mine off and on the floor with his.

I can feel his hard length against me through his boxers and it surprises me at how aroused he already is. It also makes me feel guilty that we won’t be doing anything about that. But I try to focus on him. On the feeling of his lips on mine. I flip him over and straddle on top of him. I kiss down his neck and chest, and his breathing picks up because of it. Because of me.

I trail back up to his ear and whisper “Is it okay if this is all the farther I want to go?”

“Of course love. Whatever you want to do.” He says breathily as I nibble on his neck.

“Are you sure? Because I can see you’re-“

“Of course I’m sure. I’ll be okay. Just kiss me.” He practically begs and it surges me with a confidence I didn’t have before. I adjust my position. I leave a small mark on Harry’s chest as I trail my kisses back down to the waistband of his boxers and back up to his neck. He’s practically moaning already in my ear.

“Do it again. Mark me again.” He asks me and I give him what he wants. I start on his chest again and he tugs on my hair to bring me up. I look into his piercing green eyes. “You can mark my neck. It’s okay.”

“Okay.” Is all I can say, my body working faster than my brain. I latch on to his neck and he moans in my ear. Small purple marks begin to show my path across his body and he’s loving every second of it.

He eventually flips me over and repays me every kiss that I gave him. I tell him he can mark me too, just not my neck. I like to keep mine hidden under my clothes. Purple marks scatter on my skin like paint and I can hardly breathe.

When we are both satisfied with marking each other up, we lay side by side and mar out until we both calm down and peck lazily. I can still see how turned on Harry is, and the guilt pricks at me.

“I’m sorry.” I say softly. He shakes his head when he realizes what I’m apologizing for.

“Don’t be sorry. I loved every second of that.”

“But you’ll be frustrated. I should-“

“You don’t have to do anything. I’m not mad that you don’t want to go any farther right now. I won’t be frustrated. I’ll be okay. Just need a few minutes to calm down.” He reassures me, placing a kiss on my forehead. “I love you.”

“I love you.” I tell him. I mean it. It means the world to me that he respects me and my boundaries. He isn’t frustrated by me not wanting sex. He loves me for who I am. All of me. And I couldn’t ask for anything more.

We still have to work with Mason. We still have some things to iron out. But overall I’m happy. We are doing great. And I never imagined I’d be here.

“Are you ready to start the day love? Coffee or tea?” Harry asks me and I smile.

“Tea please.”

- - -

Masterlist Series Part 2

Taglist @maudie-duan