#mayuko post

Sometimes, when he was totally sure no one could hear him, Inumaki Toge would speak; less out of desire than necessity.

Shoko had commented during his admission physical that she was surprised his voice hadn't 'up and died already' given how little he spoke. 

"With your situation, it's understandable that you wouldn't want to talk all that much, and the loophole you found is pretty genius," Shoko snapped off her latex gloves and tossed them into the trash. "But staying practically mute isn't gonna do your cursed technique any good."

Toge tugged his collar back up and eyed her skeptically, a look which she returned with a raised eyebrow. She took out a pen and pad of paper and started writing as she spoke.

"From now on, I want you saying at least three sentences every week, outside of whatever you consider normal conversation. Doctor's orders."

"O-Okaka! Takana-"

"I know what I'm saying; if no one can hear you, no one can get hurt. And don't use your riceball language, you'll drive yourself insane."

Shoko finished writing with a flourish, then tore out the piece of paper and shoved it into Toge's chest.

"Three sentences a week. Actual Japanese. Don't skimp out on me, kid. I'll know."

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It had been almost half a year since then. He still had Shoko's 'prescription' pinned to the corkboard in his dorm - a dorm which had started feeling less and less comfortable as the seasons slowly shifted and the leaves began changing colors.

Toge lay on his bed, staring at the ceiling. He lazily clicked his phone on. 

October 23rd, 12:03 am.

He turned it back off.

"Today... is my birthday. I'm seventeen years old now. And..." He rolled over with a quiet sigh. "Like usual, I'm going to be spending it alone." His voice sounded rougher than the last time he used it. Shoko was going to get on his case about that later. 

But later is later, and now is now, and right now, Toge was starting to feel a familiar dread creep in on his mind. 

It happened every birthday he could remember; the reminders, warnings, and disdainful looks were the only thing he could truly count on. Like clockwork, he was ignored even more than usual. Even his parents avoided him unless absolutely necessary. He thought his first birthday away from the clan compound would be different. 

Toge pulled on his headphones and cranked up the volume on his music, hoping the bass would drown out the voices beginning to cut through his thoughts; the voices that sounded just like his family, the voices that clicked at him in disappointment, told him that he was shameful just for existing, that he was worthless, dangerous, shouldn't have been born--

"To-chan, are you awake...?"

He bolted upright at the familiar voice that filtered in through the pounding glitch-hop, so different from the hissing ones filling his head.

Mayuko was standing in his doorway. She looked excited, until the scene before her registered, and her face fell into an expression of concern. She shut the door behind her and walked over to take a seat on the bed beside him.

Toge hadn't realized he was crying until he felt Mayuko carefully brush away the tears and slide off his headphones. She didn't ask any questions, just took him into her arms, held him tight, and traced delicate circles on his back. The feeling of comfort, something he was so rarely afforded, was overwhelming. Tears were stinging at his eyes again. A wave of unfamiliar warmth settled over him like a blanket and he felt himself break, sobbing into Mayuko's shoulder with his hands balled tightly into the back of her shirt.

"Let it all out, shiro-an... You're okay."

She sat with him like that for who knows how long, running her fingers through his hair and softly murmuring words of comfort, until the sobs finally subsided into an occasional hiccup. 

"Take some deep breaths for me, that was some pretty hard crying you just did..."

Toge was reluctant to part from the hug, fearing he might fall to pieces the moment he was out of her arms, but gingerly left anyway, sniffling and rubbing at his face with the heels of his hands. He forced himself to breathe slower, wincing at the harsh sounds accompanying each inhale. Eventually his breathing evened out, prompting a small smile from Mayuko.

"There you go. Feeling any better?" 

He nodded after a moment's pause, not trusting his voice.

"Do you... wanna talk about it?" Mayuko nudged his shoulder with hers. He took the invitation to lean into her again, grabbing one of her hands and lacing their fingers together. A wave of calm washed over Toge at the feeling of her hand in his. 

"... Okaka."

"Okay."

Mayuko squeezed his hand and caressed his thumb with hers as she leaned over and nuzzled against his platinum blonde hair.

"Would you maybe be okay with seeing the others in a minute...? Maki, Panda, and Yuuta are waiting out in the common room. We've... got something that might cheer you up a bit?"

"Uni...?"

"We can put it off until morning, if you want. They'll understand."

Toge thought on it for a few minutes. On one hand, he wasn't exactly feeling up to the kinds of late-night antics Panda liked to pull. On the other, he really didn't want to be alone with his thoughts right now. 

"Okaka, takana."

"Are you sure you want to go?"

"Shakē."

"Alright, come on!"

~

Hand in hand, Toge and Mayuko walked through the dark hall, until the lamplight from the common room bled into the peaceful scene. Maki and Yuuta were sprawled on the couch, boredom and worry beginning to glaze over their respective gazes at the ceiling, and Panda was nowhere to be seen. Mayuko cleared her throat. 

"I got him."

Maki's eyes shifted over to where the other two were standing in the hallway, and she cracked a grin.

"There you guys are. I was about to make Yuuta go check and see if something killed you."

"You were?!" The dark-haired boy jumped in his seat and shot an anxious look at his classmate. 

"Panda, they're here," Maki called, ignoring Yuuta and inclining her head toward the kitchen.

"Finally!" Excitement buzzed in Panda's voice, which was followed by several muffled thumps. "Stupid human-sized kitchen-- Inumaki, close your eyes and don't open them until we say so, okay~?"

Toge looked cautiously at his friends, who each nodded or gave a reassuring smile. He took a deep breath; let it out. Trusting them wasn't hard, not usually at least. The uneasiness he'd come to expect today still wriggled in the back of his mind, but he forced himself to ignore it. He closed his eyes.

As he stood there, Toge heard his classmates shuffling around, frantic whispering, and tape ripping. He didn't think to question it much, tuning out the little voice that told him to peek and see if he was still safe. The five of them were all their own style of weird; it was one of the reasons they'd become so close. They were all considered outcasts in one way or another. 

"O-Okay, you can look now!" Yuuta's voice, shaking with a hint of anxiety, cut through the sudden silence.

Toge opened his eyes, and, for the first time in his life, found himself truly at a loss for words.

Brightly colored paper chains and streamers had been hastily taped to the walls of the common room. A home-made banner, emblazoned with his name and paper rice balls, crookedly hung above the TV. His classmates were all grinning.

"Happy birthday, Inumaki!"

The final hit was the platter in Panda's paws. It held a large strawberry cake that Toge could only assume the four of them had made by hand. The trim icing was wobbly and falling off in places, the decorative fruit was spaced unevenly, and the numeral candles were from two completely different sets. 

It was the most wonderful cake he'd ever seen. 

For the third time that night, Toge felt his eyes welling with tears. This time, however, instead of the usual gaping hole in his chest, he felt warm, and whole, and so, so happy to be alive.

He was right in the end, it turned out; this first birthday away from his family was different. For the first time, there were decorations and cake. For the first time, he was surrounded by people who cared about him and put in effort just to see him happy. For the first time, instead of being treated as a burden, Inumaki Toge's existence was being celebrated. 

He swallowed the lump forming in his throat.

"Te--" He paused, then shook his head ever so slightly. This was something he wanted to say in real words, when he was totally sure everyone who mattered could hear him. He tugged down his collar, a smile creeping onto his face as the happy tears rolled down and dripped off his chin.