#mattkazstrophe

Alternate Universes

i wish the summer over us in bursts by elsinore-rose (15 chapters florist au, feat. a cat called russel, the worst wedding to plan in history, a slow dance, and a stupid dumb flowerpot metaphor that will make you cry)

but then you opened up a door you opened up a door (now i start to believe in something else) (part two) (part three)  by elsinore-rose (restaurant au which I haven’t reread in SO LONG but i do remember it being DELIGHTFUL and something about cake? matt’s a pastry guy? something)

like stars burning up the night by maladyofthequotidian (Care on AO3) (15K band AU feat a delicious slow burn, goopy trio friendship, and some really quite spectacular they-both-think-it’s-unrequited-pining)

i’ve had the highest mountains, i’ve had the deepest rivers by maladyofthequotidian (the rarest thing, a university AU where they actually feel like university students, complete with ridiculous allnighters and fnials week stress and weirdly close ‘platonic’ flatmates)

into my life, larger than life, beautiful, you strolled in by lauraxamelia (blind date AU)

five items or less by lauraxamelia (a...supermarket AU? i wasn’t gonna include this but it got loads of notes so i guess someone liked it)

messes that i haven’t tried to clean up in a while by lauraxamelia (university AU feat messy first relationships and miscommunicating like pros)

what do i do with a love that won’t still still by derbypheasant (HOGWARTS AU. HOOOOGWAAAARTS AUUUUU. AND CHRISTMASSY)

In-’canon’ 

Almeria by jumperpheasnts (we....have a lot of almeria fics. this one is maybe my favourite one)

minutes to memories by effie214 (itsonlylifefic on LJ) (the very first m/k fic i ever read, achingly beautiful prose, pre-relationship pining feat. small babies)

 kamikaze airplanes by effie214 (itsonlylifefic on LJ) (honestly don’t make me choose effie fics i will just rec ALL OF THEM, but this one is definitely one of my faves.)

with mirth and laughter let old wrinkles come by lauraxamelia (matt’s birthdays from 2008 to 2014)

well for a lonely soul you’re having such a good time by elsinore-rose (it’s smut but like. it’s angsty? i think about this fic at least three times per week probably)

all my bags are packed i’m ready to go by elsinore-rose (karen’s last day of set! feat. lots of emotions)

and now it’s time to leave by elsinore-rose (also karen’s last day on set! also feat. lots of emotions but a completely different set of them? idk)

oh, those places we never meant to go (part two) (part three) (part four) by twelveclara (one giant secret relationship rewrite of the whole era.)

eight white russians by elsinore-rose (an oldie but a goodie, idk what it is about this one that makes it one of my faves but i just enjoy it so much)

violet sky by elsinore-rose (small tiny slice of pining and perfection and yes)

wise men say only fools rush in by elsinore-rose (THIS ONE MAKES ME SO HAPPY AND IDEK WHY)

regrets collect like old friends by elsinore-rose (i gotta stop just putting every single christine fic on here but DAMN)

break in the back door and turn it up by maladyofthequotidian (Care on AO3) (i don’t remember the plot of this one at all but i do remember being INCREDIBLY FOND OF IT)

future fic/post-2013-ish fic

let nothing you dismay by elsinore-rose (my very favourite christmas fic, feat.so much PINING and ANGUS LEE and RIDICULOUS FEELINGS and MISTLETOE. it’s technically a 2012 fic but it feels like a future fic in that it’s about a post-series Christmas so whatever)

come down now but we’ll stay by jumperpheasants (TINY SMALL SLICE OF DOMESTIC FLUFF I LOVE IT SO MUCH)

i fell into your eyes with an inky black splash by jumperheasants (THIS IS UNFINISHED BUT SO GOOD I COULDN’T NOT PUT IT ON HERE)

where’s your white picket castle by elsinore-rose (flat sharing and pining but like. PEAK FLAT SHARING and PEAK PINING)

walking into fire with you by elsinore-rose (THEY GO PUBLIC AND IT’S CUTE)

i want the sun, i want the days, i want this one by elsinore-rose (i am not the kind of person to cry at established relationship fluff. and yet.)

hey this fire it’s burning burning us up by elsinore-rose (a tiny, cute, hilarious, sexy little sequel to above)

your hands holding mine by maladyofthequotidian (the accidental baby acquisition fic to end all accidental baby acquisition fics)

under white lights by maladyofthequotidian (a little slice of fake relationship wonderfulness, feat. a wedding)

the best of what we’ve done (is yet to come) by effie214 (itsonlylifefic on LJ) (their future relationship, gorgeous gorgeous gorgeous, i just reread it for the purposes of this rec list and i felt So Many Things)

close enough to start a war by lauraxamelia (oh god, I wouldn’t even rec this if it wasn’t necessary for the next one.. hard r)

your eyes look like coming home (part two) by lauraxamelia (future fic with babies, angst then fluff)

all the lustre of your bones by derbypheasant (once upon a time in 2013 karen tweeted this and we all lost our minds)

back to the way that we were by lauraxamelia (did i mention we ALL lost our minds over that tweet?)

Sorry. I made an 8tracks playlist for this fic if you’d like to give it a listen. And you can find a bunch of inspiring graphics and stuff at this link. And here’s the link to the other chapters if you need a refresher because I’m a hopeless loser who takes forever to post shit.

(10/?)

Lost.

She disappeared that night. 

The trip back to the hotel room had been sombre. She had kept glancing out to sea, eyes shining, but Matt couldn’t get any more information from her regarding her refusal to come to London. 

After they were both washed and dried, the two of them had sat on the double bed, watching telly purely to fill the heavy silence that had fallen between the two of them. Though they’d started off sitting upright, backs against the headrest, they had both gradually slipped down to lying flat on the mattress. Karen had drifted slowly but steadily towards him, until her head was resting on his shoulder and her hand was curled on his stomach, her feet twined with his. Before he could even think of disentangling her, she was asleep. 

He couldn’t wake her, not when she looked so peaceful. So he let her be, and soon enough he was asleep too, comforted by the sensation of her warm body curved alongside his own.

But when Matt woke it was to an empty bed. It took a few minutes for his foggy brain to process it - his fingers groped cold air, expecting to find her on the other half of the mattress. When his hand fell flat on to cold sheets he sat up and peered through the darkness. There was no light under the bathroom door, just a crack filtering in from the hallway and a sliver of moonlight visible through the curtains. 

Swallowing down a degree of panic, Matt flicked on the bedside lamp. All that did was illuminate the empty room. He stumbled out of bed and over to the door on the side wall, creaking it open just a tad to see if she’d gone to Arthur’s room.

“Karen?” he whispered, voice hoarse. “Karen, are you in here?”

Karen wasn’t next door, though, and neither was Arthur. He must have been staying at Ines’. 

Matt shut the door and turned back to his own room, chewing the inside of his cheek thoughtfully. It was 3am. Where the hell could Karen have gone at 3am?

He slipped on a jacket and shoes and padded out into the hall, whisper-shouting Karen’s name all the way to the reception desk. He got no answer. He didn’t know where else she could have gone...

His eyes suddenly fell to the window and the view of the beach beyond it. Waves were rolling against the shore, foam crashing down onto the sand and dragging it back out to sea in a strong current. In the dark the motions looked violent and cold. Matt’s thoughts drifted to the rocky outcrop around the bend. His stomach dropped.

Without even thinking about it, he slipped his phone out of his pocket, grateful that the rice had saved it, and dialled. “I need to speak to DI Tennant, please, it’s an emergency.”

Despite it being ungodly early and close to freezing, David showed up in the same pin stripe suit he’d been wearing the day they met. His hair was even scruffier now, but his eyes were shrewd and his mouth was pressed into a thin, hard line. Matt met him in the hotel lobby.

“When did you notice she was missing?” he asked by way of greeting.

Matt was grateful for the lack of pleasantries. “I only just woke up, maybe fifteen minutes before I called? I’ve checked the whole hotel, and done a sweep of the beach. I think she’s gone back to the rocks...”

One of  David’s eyebrows quirked up higher than the other. “Why?”

“I don’t know, I just... I mean, where else could she be?” Matt felt sick with panic. He ran his hands through his hair and looked pleadingly to the detective. “Please, you have to help me look for her -”

David shook his head once and then pushed past Matt, heading out the door to the pool. 

“Have you found out any more about where she’s from or what happened?” Matt asked over the gusty wind.

“Nothing new. You?”

“Her name’s Karen. She likes music. She plays piano, so beautifully, and...” Matt’s mind faltered. He was panicking too much to think clearly. He just had to keep talking, that was all. Just keep talking, and he could focus on the words instead of his panic. “And she said she sings. Or, she mimed it, I guess. She mimed that she used to sing. She dances. She likes documentaries. She doesn’t know how to drive... Or, or maybe she’s just forgotten how to drive. She uses a whole container of body wash every time she has a shower. She likes dessert. I think she might be a vegetarian. She’s impatient and impulsive. I don’t think she can swim... Oh god, I don’t think she can swim.”

By now they were at the foot of the stairs, boots hitting soft sand. The cold wind was blowing sea spray into their faces, and the beach appeared just as empty as it had been when Matt had come down alone a few minutes prior.

“These rocks up here?” David clarified, ignoring everything Matt had just said.

Matt nodded and the two men trekked across the sand, coming as close to the outcrop as they could get without wading knee deep in to the waves. The rocks were almost entirely submerged, with just a few of the exceptionally large ones poking out above the water. Every time there was a swell more of the rocks would disappear, and when the water rushed back out to sea more would be revealed. Their craggy surfaces gleamed in their torchlight, belying their dangerous nature. Matt wanted to plough ahead, take his chances with the rocks, do what he had to do to see if Karen was in there - but David stopped him.

“There’s no point you going in there and getting yourself killed.”

Matt shook his head. “I can do it, I -” 

“The tide’s too strong, you wouldn’t be able to keep your footing.”

Something desperate and awful was clawing at his insides. He didn’t understand how David was staying so calm. His voice came out in a roar, “But she could be hurt in there!”

It was hard to see in the dim light, but Matt thought that something in the Detective’s face softened at that. He stepped closer and said, “Look, I know you want to help. You obviously care about the girl. But if you go in there and get yourself hurt, you’re no good to her. We need to wait til the tide goes out.”

So they waited. And waited. It was almost an hour later when the water became low enough for them to start creeping across the rocks without fear of being dragged out to sea. By that time David had lifeguards ready to launch out into the waves from the beach and an ambulance ready and waiting up at the hotel. Two paramedics were standing on the sand with a stretcher. While he appreciated their efforts, Matt hoped that none of them would be needed.

Maybe it was because he was shaking so much - a mixture of cold and nerves - but climbing towards the little nook where he’d first found Karen seemed harder this time. David was following right behind him, a silent but reassuring presence.

As they got closer Matt spotted a flash of red near the alcove and picked up speed. A rock wobbled under his foot and his arms flailed as he tried to regain his balance. David called out for him to slow down, but he ignored him and pushed on, leaping forward to a larger, steadier rock. He was now close enough to see that the alcove was empty. The flash of red he’d seen wasn’t Karen’s hair - it was a small crab, sitting atop the rocks. It looked quite forlorn, all alone there.

Matt wondered when he’d started transposing his own emotions onto animals.

“She’s not here,” he said. His voice broke on the last word. “I’ve lost her.”

The crab shuffled onto the rock right in front of him. He looked down at it, and he could have sworn that it looked right back at him. He was losing his mind.

“I’ve lost her.”

David appeared beside him. “We’ll find her, Matt.”

It was the first time he’d referred to Matt by name, and something about that sent a stabbing sensation through his chest. His throat was dry and aching and his eyes were watering. They’d been out in the cold for about an hour and a half and Matt felt awful - how long had Karen been gone before he’d woken up, how long had she been out in the elements?

He turned to the detective and said, “We have to.”

///

The search party was bigger than Matt had been expecting. Watchcombe was a tight-knit community, Billie had told him, and they’d do anything to help anyone, visitor or local. So it was that a massive contingency of people met out the front of the resort to begin the search for Karen.

Arthur was stunned when he showed up. “So she just vanished?” 

“Into thin air.” Matt shrugged into a high-vis jacket. 

Arthur took the one next to it and threw it on over his cardi. “Well Ines’ll be able to tell us if she shows up at the hospital,” he said.

“And Billie’s staying here in case she comes back to the resort.”

“And we’re canvassing the town, so all our bases are covered.” Arthur clapped Matt on the back and said, “Don’t worry, mate. She’ll turn up.”

Matt just nodded and picked up a copy of the photo of Karen Billie had printed out. With grim determination, he set out to find her.

The sun was starting to set and Matt felt as though he was about to fall asleep on his feet when he and Arthur returned to Watchcombe Seaside Resort. Karen hadn’t turned up at the hospital, and Billie had been periodically checking their rooms, but there’d been no sightings there either.

Quite a few people in town recognised Karen, but no one had seen her since her outing with Matt. Captain Jack - or John, as David had called him - was annoyed with Matt for not returning the boat (”Had to go out there and tow it back! Absolute pain in the arse.”) but as soon as he heard about Karen he became sympathetic and promised to call the station if he saw anything.

Arthur had just about had to drag Matt back to the resort, insisting that he needed sleep or he was going to faceplant in the middle of the street. They stopped to see if Billie had anymore news, but she just shook her head sorrowfully. 

“Honestly, how far can she have gone? Not very. And she couldn’t have got that much of a head start,” Arthur was saying as he guided Matt down the hall.

Matt squinted at his bandmate, suddenly alert. “Weren’t you meant to be leaving this afternoon?”

Arthur rubbed the back of his neck. “Yeah, I was. I rang work though, it’s fine -”

“Arthur, you didn’t have to do that.”

“I did, and you know it. I’m not going to leave you alone with Karen missing, Matt, that’s just cruel.”

Matt was overcome with gratitude. He drew Arthur into a hug and said into his shoulder, “Thanks, mate.”

Arthur patted him on the back before disengaging. “You need some rest, come on.”

Matt had already resigned himself to a sleepless night, expecting to be kept awake with worry, but he had to at least try to rest. He unlocked the door to his room and pushed it open -

- And there was Karen, sitting on his bed. She looked unharmed, dressed in the blue dress she’d bought the other day. She had a bulging tan bag slung over her shoulder and she smiled when they came in.

“Karen!” Matt exclaimed, rushing forward to hug her. “You’re safe, you’re here, you’re alright! Where did you go?”

Behind him, Arthur asked, “What happened to your hair?”

Her flowing locks were gone, replaced by a close cropped pixie cut. It made her look older, Matt thought, but no less beautiful. She blushed, self conscious, and lifted a hand to her head, patting the short strands. 

“I like it,” Matt said, “Not that it even matters, as long as you’re alright! I thought I’d lost you.”

She seemed unsure what to do with that information. He’d gripped both her forearms, and she looked down at his hands and then back to his face, eyes wide. Sorry.

He felt ecstatic with relief. “It’s alright, I just - where did you go?”

She chewed her bottom lip thoughtfully, as if she wasn’t sure how to explain it. She shook her head, pulled something about of her bag and handed it to Matt. It was a tourist brochure for London, with a red double decker bus and a telephone box on the front. Karen pointed at the phone box, smiling.

Matt quirked an eyebrow up. “You went to London?”

She scrunched her face up, shook her head and crossed her hands in front of him. No, no! She pointed again at the phone booth, and then to Matt. He still didn’t get it. She sighed, and pointed to the brochure, then to Arthur, to the brochure, then to Matt, to the brochure, then to herself.

He finally understood. “You’re coming to London?”

She beamed at him, nodding enthusiastically. 

“She’s coming to London?” Arthur asked, sounding even more bewildered. 

I made an 8tracks playlist for this fic if anyone is interested!

Previous Chapters.

(9/?)

Sink or Swim.

Karen was sprawled on her stomach across his bed when he wandered back in, denim clad legs crossed at the ankles, watching a travel documentary. She had her chin propped in her palms and her hazel eyes were glued to the screen.

  Matt plopped himself down in the armchair and cleared his throat, drawing her focus from the telly to him.

  “Uh… Do you wanna do something today?”

  She blinked at him, probably confused by the nervous way he’d worded the question. She did nod though.

  He tried to gather his thoughts, but the crinkle she got on the bridge of her nose when she was confused was really distracting. “It’s really nice weather, you know, I thought maybe we could go down to the beach…”

  She shifted to kneel on the bed, nodding more enthusiastically now. Matt’s lips spread into a smile as she started to bounce lightly.

  “Sounds good, yeah? Alright, let’s go to the beach.” He stood up, clapped his hands together, and then spun back around. “Do you know how to swim?”

  A gauntlet of emotions flashed across Karen’s face. He thought he spotted exasperation, confusion, regret, fear, grief… She settled on unsure, lips skewed to the side and eyebrows raised ever so slightly. He wondered what the story was behind that.

  “Is that a… no?”

  She chewed her lip and brought her shoulders up, giving him a look that said to him both I don’t know and probably.

  He held out a hand to help her get to her feet and gave her his most charming smile. “Don’t worry, I can teach you.”

  ///

  Karen stood at the top of the cliff behind the resort, arms spread wide, hair blowing out behind her, and it was the most angelic thing Matt had ever seen. The afternoon sun set the red strands of her hair ablaze and her smile was so wide her whole face was glowing. Perched there, eyes closed, she looked like she was on top of the world.

  She opened her mouth in a silent scream when Matt grabbed her from behind, swinging her up and around in a circle.

  “If you’re done admiring the view, the beach is actually down here,” he teased, dropping her unceremoniously back to her bare feet and running over to the stairs.

  She followed after him, going so quickly down the rickety old steps that she almost fell more than once. She made it down unscathed, and barely stumbled as her feet hit the soft sand at the bottom.

  It was hard to reconcile this bright girl running after him with the cowering little thing he’d found in the cave further up this very beach. She herself didn’t seem fussed by the location of their frivolities, which is something he’d been worried about. She chased him with abandon, and when she finally caught him she jumped right onto his back.

  Matt hoisted her up, piggy-backing her right into the waves, and she squeezed her arms tightly around his shoulders in an attempt to stay out of the water. He let her think he was going to drop her for a few minutes before giving in and heading back onto dry land, where she jumped down and ran back towards the sand dunes.

  “Aw, come on. I wasn’t really going to drop you, you know that,” Matt cooed, walking along the water’s edge.

  Karen pulled a face at him, sticking her tongue out, and continued walking on the other side of the sand - until Matt turned to watch a pod of dolphins leaping further out in the water, and she ran straight into his side. He was knocked so severely off balance that he toppled sideways, and he grabbed her arm and took her with him. She landed flat on top of him, hair falling forward to tickle his collarbone. The waves lapped at their bare feet but Matt couldn’t bring himself to move. She was staring down at him, and he saw the same fire burning slowly in her eyes as when they were in the lagoon.

  Just as Matt’s imagination started to run away with him, Karen hoisted herself up and held a hand out to help him. He took it and didn’t let it go, choosing instead to interlock their fingers as they strolled along the seaside.

  She seemed happy with this development, smiling coyly at him, but he desperately wished he could be sure. What he wouldn’t give to be able to talk to her, properly talk to her. He’d bet that she had the most beautiful voice imaginable.

  He was pulled from his reverie when she suddenly tugged him sideways, using her body weight and his inattention to throw him around in a semi circle and launch him straight into the lukewarm waves. He stumbled and barely managed to catch himself, and when he looked back at Karen she was giggling happily to herself.

  “Are you trying to get me soaked?”

  I want to swim, she mouthed as he waded back up to her.

  “You want me to teach you how to swim?”

  She nodded brightly.

  “You’re not exactly dressed for swimming.” He gestured to her jeans and t-shirt. “Denim’s way too heavy to swim in. I told you to get changed before we left...”

  To his absolute shock, Karen simply began peeling her jeans off. His eyes widened before he remembered that the decent thing to do would be look away, but he couldn’t bring himself to turn away. She didn’t seem to care, holding his gaze as she lifted her shirt up to reveal her naval. He gulped, and she pulled the fabric up over her head and tossed it onto the sand behind her, where her jeans now lay. Standing there in her purple bra and knickers, she looked like she’d just stepped out of Matt’s dreams.

  His voice squeaked when he spoke. “Uh, what are you doing? You can’t swim in your underwear.”

  She splashed into the water beside him and pushed him up towards the shore, lifting the hem of his t-shirt as she did so.

  “Okay, okay, I guess you can!”

  Obediently, he pulled his t-shirt over his head and threw it on top of hers. He removed his trousers, well aware of the fact that Karen was watching every second of it. He had to derail that train of thought quickly, though, or he was going to expose more of himself than he wanted to.

  “You’re not shy, are you?” he said as he waded back in to where she was waiting in waist deep water.

  She looked confused by the question, as though she couldn’t see anything strange about their situation. Matt reminded himself that she had been naked when he’d found her, and wondered if this was normal for her.

  “Well, I’m going to be honest with you - I’ve never taught anyone to swim before,” he said, trying desperately to keep his thoughts innocent.

  She smiled and waded closer to him. She looked so eager, he didn’t know how he could possibly refuse.

  “But, uhm, I guess it can’t be too hard…”

  He had her lie on her back and float, first, with his hand beneath her spine to keep her steady. She panicked a few times, floundering about and splashing them both in the face, but when he asked her to trust him she calmed down and it was only a few minutes later that she was floating on her own. That accomplishment boosted her confidence, and she didn’t panic at all for the rest of their time in the water.

  Next came doggy paddle, which involved even more splashing and proved hysterical to Matt. He tried to demonstrate how she should be kicking her legs, but Karen just couldn’t seem to get the hang of it. Her kicks were never in time and she could barely keep herself afloat; it was like the upper half of her body was fine, but she just couldn’t control two legs. It was possibly the funniest thing he’d ever seen.

  She pounced on him as he laughed, and the bare skin of her thighs felt like silk. Perched on top of him, she suddenly seemed to have all the grace in the world, twining her legs around his and lacing her arms around his shoulders.

  His breath hitched and his hands instinctively went to her hips. Every thought in his head suddenly silenced, bar one; kiss her. She licked her lips, and he knew for sure that this was it, this was the moment… He leant forward, eyelids falling shut, and got so close that he could feel her breath against his lips. And then -

  There was a clap of thunder, and a fat raindrop landed right on the back of his neck. Startled by the cold, he pulled back. Karen’s eyes shot open as she was hit, too, and as quickly as it had appeared the moment between them passed. They scurried out of the water and onto the sand, dressing quickly and trying to find some shelter from the fast-approaching storm.

  “There’s no where to go, we’re too far along the beach,” Matt said. He glanced around the dunes, and then up to the sky. The clouds were black above them, but in the direction the wind was blowing from the sky was clear blue. “But it looks like it might just be a sun shower.”

  As soon as he said it, it started raining in earnest. They had nowhere to go, but Karen buried herself in Matt’s arms for protection. He wasn’t too fussed, as he was already wet from their ‘swim’, if you could call it that.

  “Hey,” he said, looking down at her.

She turned her head ever so slightly to peek at him. What?

“Have you ever danced in the rain?”

  Turns out she hadn’t, but she was very good at it. They waltzed on the sand, spinning so raindrops flew off the ends of their hair and landed on the others’ hands, and then when they got tired of that they skipped and twirled and shook their arms about in the most ridiculous ways they could imagine. Matt raised both arms high above his head and waved his hands from side to side, bending at the knees and stalking straight towards a shimmying Karen. She laughed like a loon, as though this was the most hysterical thing she’d ever seen. She imitated him for a bit, but was laughing so hard she eventually fell over. He grabbed her by the ankle and dragged her along the soft sand, dropping her foot when the rain stopped.

  “Would you look at that,” he said as the sun broke through the clouds and shone directly on them. “It was just a sun shower.”

  She kicked him in the shin with a smile.

  The sun began to set as they walked ever so slowly  back to the hotel. The setting was like something straight out of a chick flick, but it appeared that even Matt wasn’t immune to the charm of a romantic stroll by the sea.

  He gathered up all of the courage he could muster and tried to keep his voice as casual as possible as he asked, “Kaz, I know that we’ve only known each other a few days, but - this is really corny, I know, please don’t laugh - but I feel like you’ve given me a whole new outlook on life and, well, I don’t wanna say goodbye. I’m staying in Watchcombe an extra night but then after that I have to go back to London, and, uhm, I guess what I’m trying to ask is… Would you come with me?”

  At first, Karen’s smile was brilliant. She threw her arms around his shoulders, nodding into his neck, yes yes yes.

  “I mean it’s just London, it’s not as pretty as here, and I haven’t actually figured out where you’ll be sleeping but there’s plenty of time for that -”

  But then she pulled back, and her face had dropped. She looked downright panicky, and he couldn’t for the life of him think what could have caused it.

  “What’s wrong, are you alright? Did I say something wrong?”

  Her arms were flying around, pointing out to sea and then back towards the hotel, and she was pouting and frowning and shaking her head, no no no.

  Matt grabbed her forearms and held her still. “Kazza, what’s wrong?”

  She looked like she was going to cry.

  “You don’t have to come with me if you don’t want to,” he said, even though the very thought of it broke his heart.

  She shook her head fiercely, and he gently lifted her chin up so he could see her eyes.

  I want to come, she mouthed.

  He sounded almost desperate when he asked, “Then why don’t you?”

  I can’t.

  “Why not?”

  She turned away, eyes downcast.

“Kazza, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to -” Matt was at a loss. He gently roped his arms around her waist and pulled her into a hug.

She turned her head so that her mouth was against the crook of his neck, and a flush of heat overcame him. He planted a kiss atop the crown of her head and murmured, “If you really want to come with me, we’ll find a way. I promise.”

He felt her sigh against his pulse, and could do nothing but hold her tighter.

Or eating food in tiny bits to postpone the hunger pangs for just that little while longer. Hunting squirrels in the wooded areas like the one they were walking through now, watching Matt gut and rid them of anything he deemed inconsumable, doing it herself after he’d shown her. Roasting them over the smallest fire they dared make. Polishing off the stringy meat with a Mars Bar for dessert.

  The very idea of not being able to get packaged, processed food at the drop of a hat seemed inconceivable.

  It sounded ridiculous, to be honest. But it had become daily life.  They’d finish off their packaged or tinned food within days because even all these weeks later they were still rather shit at rationing.  A forest would stretch on for days. And as they’d learned by now, cars were too visible, and in a puttering one to begin with, these beasts were too quick.

  The soreness in their calf muscles, the twinge of pain in the soles of their feet that all three of them had learned to ignore as they pressed on. All this was par for the course now, too.

  And Karen wouldn’t have believed it possible – but no longer did the smell of death torment her as it used to, choking her with its nauseating musk, its hands clenching around her throat and bringing tears to her eyes. The scent of rot, blood and fire which now permeated everything – the air, the earth, water. Their clothes, their hair, their hands.

  She couldn’t believe what had become normal.

  She had hoped none of this disgusting life would ever become normal. She wanted no part of it. In the first few weeks, she’d pretended it was all a dream she’d wake up from soon, but it was not to be. They’d all grown accustomed to this new reality.

  Still, in this new world of forced flexibility and adaptability, she prayed that this particular thing would always feel special, new, enthralling. Maybe it would. Maybe this would have a chance. It would be a welcome constant.

  Matt walked slower now, no longer at the head of the line like a drill sergeant. His hand felt warm in Karen’s, her other one still clinging to Caitlin’s as before.  

  Shay loped and romped next to them, pleased with himself and snapping playfully at Matt’s ankles.

  The snow felt lighter under their feet. Even the sun peeked out gladly, and it made the whiteness look even brighter, glowing underneath them. Furthermore, some courageous birds were out, chirping and greeting the early morning dawn. And they were a lot warmer than they’d been in a while – new gloves and coats and boots were working wonders.

  A snowball smacked Karen squarely in the middle of her back. Gaping, she turned to see her cousin smiling, looking very proud of herself, some feet away, dusting snow off her gloves. She let go of Matt’s hand, got to her knees, balled up a chunk of snow, and grinned at the shrieks of mirth Caitlin let out, always startlingly deep for a teenage girl. She began to chase after her and flung one of her long limbs forward like a windmill.

  The snowball exploded at the fleeing girl’s heels, and Karen laughed, turning to look at Matt.

  He was looking back at her, at both of them, and Karen noted an expression of hunger and rapture on his face as he gazed - when his eyes fell on her in particular. Her cheeks coloured despite the cold and feeling slightly flattered, she smiled widely at him, suddenly very aware that for the first time since that initial day of disaster, she’d properly combed and brushed her hair and applied red lipstick.  The little golden tube had up until now been long-forgotten at the bottom of her handbag, along with other debris.

  Vaguely, as if hearing from very far away, she heard Caitlin urging Matt to join in as she scrambled for more snow. She saw him pause and look around, spinning in a circle slowly to get a three-sixty view. And because the pine trees were doing a decent job of hiding them, and the woods were so peaceful and silent, Matt gave in.

  Shay barked every now and then, not loudly, for even he had turned out to be smart enough to know that quiet was better. He settled for flying in front of the snowy missiles and catching them in his mouth, looking mildly surprised when they seemed to explode before him.

  Their feet seemed to skim over the snow like runners – like Father Christmas’s sled.

  (Christmas had come and gone nearly a month ago, during their dark period, and at the time no one had said a word about it.)

  Icicles gleamed from branches, winking at the little group like they knew a secret.

White, sparkling powder shimmered all around them, and on the pine.   

  Their breaths made puffs of smoke in the air, visualised warm on cold. Like dragons, creatures of power, creatures of myth.

  Today. Tonight, they would be dragons, and fear no one.  And savour the smell of pine needles, which very nearly drowned the smells of reality.

  Karen saw Matt fling an arm around Caitlin’s shoulders out of the corner of her eye, saw him laughing quietly and hushing her, but out of routine now and out of a sense for safety, not because he actually wanted her to be quiet, that much was clear.

  “Let’s get Kaz!”

  “No!” Karen shouted out, laughing madly, turning and running away from them. She, as ever, clumsily lost her footing, tripping over her own feet and onto the snow.

  Desperate to avoid the oncoming storm, she made a vain attempt to roll away, but Caitlin dove for her feet, and pinned them securely down, while Matt pinned her upper body to the snow.  Shay joined the fray, nosing and sniffing around everywhere.

  “Gotcha,” Matt grinned, and she beamed up at him over her, understanding the private joke. She leaned up and pressed her lips gently to his forever little-big chin.

  “Ew,” Caitlin groaned, but it was half-hearted and actually quite pleased for a noise meant to convey disgust. She let go of Karen’s legs and, an icicle on a nearby branch catching her eye, wandered over there. Shay did not follow, but galloped slightly ahead, pouncing on nothing like pups did.   

  “Mad as a box of cats, you are,” Matt said, slightly out of breath, refusing to budge, looking at Karen as if he’d never seen anything quite like her before, like he was looking at her for the first time.

  “Takes one to know one,” Karen teased, her heart skipping in her chest at what she saw in Matt’s eyes. She skimmed her hand over his trimmed hair. Where she’d seen grease and dirt and death a few weeks ago, for the past two weeks, she’d seen her best friend again.

  (It didn’t hurt that she was helping him take better care of himself, having given him the haircut, and Matt himself was taking a hygiene initiative.)

  “You’re beautiful.” The words were out of her mouth before she could censor herself, but despite taking herself by surprise, she found she agreed on second thought.

  Matt blinked. “Sorry?”

  She giggled, arching up and kissing his mouth quickly, then placing even quicker kisses on each cheek. His eyes closed automatically, like he needed to shut off one sense to better feel the warmth of her lips on him. “You’re beautiful,” she repeated.

  He grinned and rolled his eyes playfully, muttering “cornball Kazza” under his breath, his eyelashes shadowing across his cheeks. He lowered his face and nuzzled his nose against hers – a very appropriate Eskimo kiss. He patted her face and, one hand lingering at her cheek, tried to brush the snow out of her hair, the glove (and the kissing) making his hand clumsy. He mostly only succeeded in helping the snow melt against the strands of her hair instead, which made her laugh.

  The sun shone, the snow felt cold and warm at the same time, and it was a terrible, terrible shame that they’d failed to notice how the brave winter birds had suddenly fallen silent.

  A panicked scream pierced the calm.

  * * *

  One Week Earlier

  “Do you think we’ll find somebody else on our way? It’s been ages since we’ve seen another person,” Karen wondered aloud. She kicked a clump of frozen dirt and sent bursts of it flying.

  Matt’s eyes met hers, solemnly, and Karen could tell he was trying to decide what answer to give. “Maybe,” he said, and Karen felt it was probably the honest one. “At least it seems people have had enough sense not to be walking past us in the other direction.”

  “They could be keeping out of sight,” Caitlin chimed in, squishing a beetle under her boot. “Maybe it’s not as bad as all that in other places. Or maybe they’re sticking to a main road.”

  “If they are then they definitely don’t have the sense I’m giving them credit for,” Matt said, bitter and his voice harsh because of it.  Caitlin recoiled and Karen shot Matt a look. His face softened slightly and he mustered a smile. “Sorry kid.”

  “ ‘S ok,” Caitlin answered automatically. “You just need some vodka.”

  Her cousin burst out laughing, eyes widening and gloved hands flying up to her mouth to stifle the sudden loudness. Matt looked surprised at the little ginger’s remark, then threw a withering look at Karen for making so much noise. “You’re right,” he said in a much lower voice. “I have been drinking a bit too much.”

  Caitlin surprised Karen as well by quickening her pace and falling into step with Matt. She watched as the girl patted him on the shoulder almost comfortingly. “You don’t need it anymore though,” she grinned.

  “Oh no?”

  “No, you’ve got Kaz now. Are you guys definitely going out now?”

  He threw her a bewildered look. “Ehm…going out how? In what sense?”

  Caitlin gave him such an exasperated glance he couldn’t help but chuckle. “What do you mean what sense?” Caitlin asked, crossing her arms over her chest. “You really don’t think I expect you to take Karen out for dancing and drinks?”

  “It crossed my mind that that’s what you meant, Ginge.”

  Karen and Caitlin both playfully shoved him, with Karen squawking “Oi!”

  “As if you can dance,” Caitlin said sassily. 

  Matt gave her a wounded expression and Karen had to cover her mouth and laugh behind her hands again. She hadn’t seen anyone give Matt this much sass in a while. It was wonderful. Yes, they’d made amends, but that definitely didn’t mean Karen had completely forgiven him for his prattish behaviour.

  “He can actually,” Karen couldn’t help but blurt out. Matt whirled to look at her, giving her a warning glance but she didn’t heed him as per usual. “Like so.”

  And with that, she imitated the famous (infamous?) drunk giraffe dance Matt had popularised across television screens.  Or something.

  This time it was Caitlin who collapsed into a fit of giggles. “You’re having me on,” she said in a half-accusatory, half-disbelieving tone. “No sane person dances like that.”

  “Did I say Matt’s sane?”

  This made her laugh harder. Matt pursed his lips and tried to look very annoyed, but Karen could see he was amused as well. “Very funny,” he said. “Are you both quite finished having a go at me?”

  “For now,” Caitlin shot back. She squinted into the distance in front of her, and then brightened. “Hey look!” She started to run towards whatever she saw. 

  “Oi, stay close!” Karen ordered, stepping up her pace. Matt followed.

  Caitlin beamed. “A wee stream. Thank God. I’ve been so bored of trees.”

  “Not that they’ve gone anywhere now,” Matt pointed out, leaning against a lean one.

  “Still, it’s something,” the girl countered, crouching to her knees, leaning forward and running her hands through the water. “Very cold,” she murmured. She looked back up at the other two. “Think we can fill up some of the empty water bottles?”

  Karen and Matt looked at each other, sizing one another up. “Maybe one,” Matt conceded. “Seems a bloody waste of water if we don’t. I’ll drink it and one of you girls can have one of the bottled ones we pilfered.” He pulled out an empty plastic bottle and walked further upstream. He came to a stop about fifty feet up. “This seems a good a spot as any.” He leaned forward and, gangly and awkward as he was, managed to bend at the waist and plunged the bottle into the stream.

  Caitlin grinned evilly and stood on her tiptoes to whisper into Karen’s ear. “Think we should push him forward?”

  Her older cousin laughed, but shook her head. “That would be too cruel, even for us. Too cold. Next time though.”

  “Maybe just a little push, just to –”

  “Matt?!”

  Caitlin looked affronted at the interruption for a split second, before she realised Karen was darting forward and something was wrong.

  Matt was staring into the partially-filled water bottle, looking stricken.

  “What is it?” Karen said, clumsily failing to avoid splashing into the stream.

  Matt was silent. “I…”

  “Matt!”

  “…Blood. I think. Faint but…” He seemed to snap out of his thoughts. “Karen, don’t make noise, but get your foot out of the water,” he said, so quiet Karen had to lean in to hear him properly. Caitlin leaned in as well. “Don’t talk. Don’t move. Don’t make a sound, either of you,” he commanded, voice nearly under his breath now.

  Both girls froze in place like statues. Karen slipped her foot out and concentrated on the ripples circling out from where her intrusion had been. Matt’s face remained impassive but the fear in his eyes betrayed him. All three listened with all their might, Karen’s face screwing up with the effort.

  Not a sound.

  Matt’s eyes, darting back and forth, focused back on Karen. She looked back, eyes wide. He pointed to himself, then slowly jerked his head in an upstream direction, pointed to them, and pointed down to indicate that they should stay in place. Karen shook her head furiously and Matt nodded just as much to contradict her. He slowly took a step upstream, then looked back at Karen warningly.

  She’d made to take the step too, but Caitlin grabbed her hand and tugged her back. Matt gave the smaller girl an approving nod.

  Matt stepped slowly up, walking as quietly as a deer might. The analogy suddenly filled her with fear, and she looked around and around as Matt had, eyes seeking out any predators.

  Caitlin winced and Karen realised she’d been squeezing it in a bone-crushing grip.  Her hold loosened but remained firm, ready to pull the girl towards her and shield her if she had to.

  Matt followed the stream around a bend, going out of sight.

  Karen shielded Caitlin even more protectively.

  Like Sarah had.

  A shiver ran through her body but she didn’t dare move a muscle.

  They heard Matt cry out, and Karen forgot about keeping quiet. She bolted forward, biting back a cry of her own. Caitlin scrabbled at the back of her coat helplessly, only managing to throw Karen slightly off balance, not enough to make her stop. Although probably nothing would have stopped Karen at that moment.

  “Matt!” she gasped out, shout drowning in her panic, voice high but small, as if her lungs had constricted to squeeze out the words from between them.

  She rounded the bend, barking out a warning to Caitlin and then turned back –

  “Easy! Karen, easy!”

  Karen stopped in her tracks, looking down at the scene before her.

  Matt had waded into the stream, fingers outstretched, poised to stroke the flank of the prone dog lying on the riverbed, stomach undulating in and out with its heavy breaths. The dog was muddy but Karen could see that, when clean, he was definitely a border collie.  Or some similar breed.

  “Don’t touch it!” Karen snapped.

  Caitlin appeared on the scene as well, her eyes wide in apprehension. “What’s going on?”

  “Don’t you dare touch it Matt, you don’t know what it has! It might be…”

  “Does it affect dogs?” he said, more murmuring to himself than asking for her opinion. He looked back at the dog, affection in his eyes. “Poor thing. I wonder where it came from. You can tell he’s young…”

  “Leave it,” Karen said, sternly. “I’m not kidding, Matt.”

  Caitlin pouted. “Kazza, we have to give him a chance!” She plunged a foot into the water. “He’s injured, isn’t he?”

  “Caitlin! Don’t you go into that water!”

  Matt held his hand out to the girl as she carefully waded into the stream.

  “For Christ’s sake! Well on your own head be it, Matt Smith, but don’t you dare let Caitlin –“

  “He seems fine,” Caitlin said, interrupting and looking closely into the dog’s eyes. “Just fine. Just scared. And there’s a cut there on his paw, we should be able to bandage that right up…”

  She gasped a little as the puppy bared his teeth, albeit weakly.

  “See!” Karen yelped, vindicated. “Stand back, both of you!”

  “It’s scared,” Matt said, “and of course it would be, what with Kaz over there howling like a fucking – flipping, sorry kid – banshee.”

  Caitlin gave him a withering look at the apology.

  Matt reached into his backpack, rummaging around for a second. Karen noticed the dog’s ears prick up as Matt unwrapped something.

  “You are not giving the dog some of our food!”

  This time, Caitlin and Matt both gave her dirty looks.

  “Here you go, fella.”

  The dog wolfed down some of the jerky. Karen’s eyes followed the motion of its jaws and its teeth biting down on it. After he was done he looked at the three of them with lighter, friendlier eyes, and his tail thumped tiredly on the ground.

  Matt leaned forward and finally pet the dog’s neck. The dog didn’t object to this action.

  “Does he belong to somebody?” Caitlin asked, almost automatically and also patting the dog’s back.

  “No collar,” Matt noted. “And even if he did, the chances we could track them down…”

  Caitlin clucked her tongue. “I wonder what happened. What happened, boy? Where’s your family?”

  Karen tapped her foot impatiently back on dry land. “Bring the dog out if you have to, but will you please get back up here? You’re making me nervous.”

  Letting go of a long-suffering sigh, Matt picked up the pup, who only briefly wriggled, and walked out of the stream with Caitlin directly behind him.

  “Come on Kazza,” Matt said pleadingly, looking at the reproachful gaze Karen was shooting at him. “We’ll clean that wound up nice. He’ll be good for Cait. Honestly.”

  “It’s not smart,” Karen said immediately. “You know it’s not, we have a hard enough time rationing as it is.”

  “We’ll cross that bridge when we come to it,” Caitlin countered. “We can’t just leave him, Kaz, he’s all alone. Can you imagine…can you even imagine having to do this alone?”

  Her voice broke on the last world and all resolve went out of Karen like air from a balloon. “All right. Okay. He stays.”  Anything to make Caitlin not look like that. 

  She was silent as she watched Matt talk to the young dog quietly, watched her little cousin hold the dog’s head comfortingly while Matt set out cleaning the wound and bandaging it up. The dog whined every now and then, eyes wet and dark, but when they’d finished the task, his tail wagged and he got very gingerly to his feet – paws.  Karen was the first to admit that she’d never been around dogs very much growing up so she was no expert on canine behaviour, but even she knew that was a good sign.

  “You sure it’s not going to be infected or anything?” she said in a low voice to Matt as Caitlin walked a little bit ahead, dog by her side. “It would be just wonderful if she got attached to the dog and then – poof – it dies.”

  Matt gave her yet another exasperated look, but she could tell there was affection in it. “You’re just a little ray of sunshine, aren’t you?” he remarked.

  Karen punched him on the shoulder. “Shut up. I’m just saying.”

  His expression sobered. “I know, I know. You love her and don’t her want to be upset, or at least not any more upset than she already has to be. Shit Kaz, I love her too, you know. She’s like my little sister at this point. But you know, she needs someone for herself too.”

  “She already has us.”

  “I know, but she’s no child, Kazza. It’s different. As happy as she is that we have each other – there’s something a bit isolating in it for her too.”

  She hadn’t thought about it that way. Karen looked at Caitlin, biting her lip. 

  A long arm wrapped itself around her waist, and she shivered for a split second before she relaxed into the crook of Matt’s arm and side of his body. “It’ll be all right,” he murmured against her hair, nosing the side of her face and kissing her cheek. She smiled at the feel of his scruff against her skin, feeling scratchy despite her own skin having developed a weather-beaten feel.

  It struck her that she hadn’t been taking very good care of herself, and a little hint of shame coloured her cheeks. It was absolutely, properly ridiculous to want to look like some sort of catwalk model in their current situation, but she wondered what thoughts went through Matt’s head when he looked at her, when he saw how different she’d become.

  “Penny for your thoughts, mate.”

  She grinned despite herself, liking that he still called her that despite their new – relationship status, for lack of a better word. It would have been hard to know what to change it to on Facebook.

  Social networking days were over, too. 

  “I’ll tell you later,” Karen whispered, fully intending to go back on her promise.

  Matt smiled, reaching up to tuck a stray strand of hair behind her ear, tugging at her earlobe playfully and sending a pleasant electric shock up her spine.

  A harsh bark drew their attention abruptly to up ahead, and they both jumped to attention, half in surprise, half in dismay as they realised they hadn’t been paying attention to their surroundings for the last few minutes.

  “Caitlin!” Karen shrieked, scrambling forward, seeing her cousin standing, frozen about a half kilometer away, at what seemed to be the edge of the wood, but, as she ran and got closer, seemed to be where a little clearing emerged from between the vast expanses of trees.  The dog was barking, down on haunches, but also wavering into whines and pushing its nose into the dirt. It didn’t seem actively aggressive towards Caitlin, but in that split second, Karen’s hand reached into her jacket pocket for her knife to fling it and –

  Matt was faster and had come up behind Caitlin and grabbed her, whirling her around, away from the clearing. “Close your eyes, Cait, keep them closed. Don’t you open them, now.” He needn’t have bothered. The girl had her hands clasped firmly against her eyes, sobbing quietly.

  Karen was next to them, at once forgetting about the dog as a threat. “What’s-“ the words died in her throat as she saw what both of them had seen first.

  There was blood – Oh God so much blood – four bodies, one of them small, much smaller than Caitlin, hand white against the snow and dark hair matted with even darker liquid, congealing around the little boy’s head like a gothic halo –

  Karen whirled around, away from the grotesque image, and was promptly sick, heaving out the morning’s breakfast. The dog whined and for a bizarre moment she wanted to kick it and grab it and hold it against her all at once for some small speck of comfort. She felt dizzy, and as she spluttered, choking out and gagging on the bile, blinded by the tears in her eyes, she toppled over, narrowly missing the sick all over the frozen grass and snow.

  She felt Matt holding her now, could feel his left arm around her and his right around Caitlin, pushing them both together against his chest. She felt his heart hammering hard against her ear. She felt suffocated and pulled away violently, wiping at her eyes. Caitlin stayed put, grabbing the front of Matt’s blue winter jacket to keep steady on her feet.

  “Come on,” Karen said, voice hoarse and throat stinging now from the acrid mess that had escaped her. “Let’s go back into the trees and walk around.” She picked up the pup. 

  Caitlin suddenly ran to her side, hand grabbing her cousin’s.

  Matt hesitated.

  “There isn’t anything we can do for them, Matt,” Karen said. “You saw that, didn’t you?”

  “Yeah,” Matt said. “Of course. It’s just – wouldn’t the smart thing be – um, well –“

  Karen shook her head. “They’re gone. They’ve probably been there a while. If they were to come back, I think they would have already.”

  A last sob erupted from Caitlin’s chest, and she pressed her mouth into a tight line, vainly trying to keep quiet.

  * * *

  “Is she asleep?”

  The whisper came from Matt’s side of the tent. Cramped as they were, they’d designated the left side as the boy side. On a night like tonight, they had hoped they’d get lucky and come across a garden shed or tiny cabin or something like they had in the past, but it wasn’t to be, and they’d pitched up the increasingly worn tent for the night.

  “Yes. I wouldn’t have believed it possible, but she’s asleep,” Karen whispered back. She sighed deeply, barely able to see her cousin’s face in the pitch blackness. She brushed the back of her fingers against her skin to reassure herself that she was there.

  “She’s okay. She’s tough. But she shouldn’t have seen what she did,” Matt murmured. “Neither should you, for that matter. Are you all right?”

  Karen didn’t reply, continuing to stroke Caitlin’s forehead. “We should have been paying attention,” she said. “We were so stupid, letting her get so far ahead of us. We need to be more careful.”

  Silence. Karen could hear the dog’s – Shay, Caitlin had said just a few hours earlier, the first thing she’d said since that afternoon – presence outside the tent. They’d imagined he’d want to be in the tent with them, but as soon as Caitlin had fallen asleep he’d slipped out and she could tell he felt good outside – perhaps more like himself, just like she’d been feeling more like herself.

  “What do you suppose happened to that family?” Matt wondered aloud.

  Karen felt a chill erupt across her body. “I don’t know,” she said. “And I don’t think I want to know. Matt. Did you see the little boy?”

  A long, shuddering sigh from the other side of the tent. “Yeah. I think it was a gunshot. I got a longer look when we turned around.”

  Wild, uncontrollable images flashed through Karen’s mind. A bite, most likely. Panic and chaos and then someone had taken charge, just as Matt and Karen knew they’d each have to if it happened, and decided to just take everyone out. Take the boy down too, rather than leave him alone to fend for himself. A mercy killing?

  He couldn’t have been more than eight years old.

  “Do you think Shay was theirs?”

  She heard Matt let out a long breath. “Maybe. I guess we’ll never know. I had a dog when I was a kid, but man, I don’t think anyone can try and figure out a dog’s behaviour under these circumstances.”

  “It’s not fair, is it?”

  “What?” Matt asked, confused.

  “It’s not fair. None of it. Those people. That we have to live like this. That that fucking pup has to have a fucking wound on his goddamn leg!”

  “Shh! Karen! What’s the matter with you, you’ll wake her up!”  she heard him hiss.

  “I can’t stand it!”

  She felt Matt grab her and roll her over to his side of the tent, where he tried to hold her against him to calm her down. She slapped his face.

  “Kaz! Fuck, that hurt, please calm down, please.”

  She felt her heart beating like a drum, matching the drumming in her aching head. She longed to be rid of it, to feel like a normal person. Her chest was heaving up and down and she rolled on top of Matt, pinning him beneath her. She grabbed the bottom of her long-sleeved pajama top and pulled it over her head.

  “Karen, I can’t see what you’re doing, it’s too dark, please lay down. You’re making me ner-”

  She kissed him, hard, pawing at his sleeping bag and pushing it down to his knees.

  “Kaz!”

  “Matt,” she said, brokenly. “I want you to make me feel like it’s not happening.”

  “Karen, you’re going to regret this.”

  “Shut up. You want me, right? You told me you do!”

  “Shh! Of course I do, I want to make it better, I’m trying to Kaz, I really am.”

  Karen pulled her bottoms down. “I know. I want to make it better too.”

  This time when she kissed him, he kissed back, consuming her with his lips and tongue and she breached herself on him.

His hands grappled with the hooks of her bra and then it was loose, and his hands were at her breasts as she rode him, snapping her hips back and forth and making him groan. It hurt because it’d been a while, but it felt good.

  “Condom?” he panted.

  “I’ve taken care of it. Good for –“ her voice broke as he hit a sweet spot. “For three years.”

  They didn’t speak again after that. He bucked up into her wildly, and she came extremely quickly, spasming and biting her lip to not cry out. He felt even better inside of her than she could have imagined, than she had imagined several times in the several years she’d knows him. He held her narrow hips, groaning quietly as he felt her squeeze him, then rolled them over so he was on top.

  She smiled against his neck as she felt him pushing into her. She grabbed his arse and felt him shiver, then dragged her nails up his back, digging them in when she felt the pleasure inside her building once again. “Shit,” she panted. “Shit.”

  “Karen. Fuck. Karen.” He couldn’t talk, and she came again a second before he did, and it had lasted all of six or seven minutes.

  He lay on top of her, breathing hard, and they kissed again. He kissed down to her breast and took a nipple in his mouth, tugging at it gently. She stroked his hair.

  A minute later he pulled out, and even though Karen had had her birth control implant for two months before it’d all gone to shit and she’d been sexually active then, there had always been double protection. It was the first time she’d felt a guy come inside her, and for some reason, it made her feel vulnerable. Too vulnerable.

   To her horror, she started to whimper.

  “Kaz?!”

  “Oh it’s nothing,” Karen said, but she leaned forward and pressed her face into Matt’s bare shoulder and cried as quietly as she could, knowing he could feel every last tear.

  “Karen, Kazza babe, what is it? Shit, was it – did you not really want – fuck Karen. Please.” He felt one hand on her lower back and the other at her face. “Did you not – you – your pills –“

  “No,” she said. “It’s not that. I’m dumb but not that stupid, I wouldn’t have if I wasn’t absolutely sure nothing would come of it, Matt, that’s the last thing we need-“

    “Then what?”

  “It’s just –“ she tried to speak but her sobbing strangled her words and she sputtered something that didn’t come close to English. “Sorry.” She took a deep breath, then let it out, feeling it waver into the air delicately. “I’ve been thinking about how things have changed – I can’t stop thinking about it lately, to be honest – and I just never thought I’d do something like this.”

  “Like what?”

  She laughed, but she didn’t find herself remotely funny. “Like fuck when my little cousin is just a few feet away.”

  Karen felt Matt’s arms tighten around her. That had hit home for him too.

  “It’s just low,” she said, voice continuing to tremble. “And not only is it sucky, but it was our fucking first time. And it was in a tent. And with my cousin right next to us, oh God.” She laughed, feeling pathetic. “I’d never have done it before.”

  He was silent for a moment. “No,” he said at last. “No, you wouldn’t have. But we’re not living in before anymore. We can’t afford to.”

  “No,” Karen agreed. “We really can’t.”

  She continued to weep, and Matt continued to try to soothe her, and even though they were in each other’s arms, they felt cold, and they didn’t feel as warm as they had any longer that night.

  * * *

  One Week Later

  “No,” Karen sobbed, arms wrapped around Caitlin’s shivering body, cradling her cousin’s head in her lap. “No, no, no.”

  The Other lay several feet away, brain oozing out the top of its broken skull, but she paid it no attention. She did register Shay’s jaws locked at the thing’s ankle, but she was far too preoccupied to worry about the dog.

  “I won’t let it happen,” Matt said, trying and failing to disguise the shaking in his hands and in his voice as he poured rubbing alcohol onto a strip of cloth. He popped off the top of a water bottle and ran it over Caitlin’s collarbone, trying to clean the gash.

  The girl cried out at the cold – or was it at the pain? Did infection cause pain?  

  “Matt,” Karen cried out, brokenly.

  “I won’t!” Matt screamed, just as broken, just as raw, the agony shredding his vocal cords so that it hurt just to hear. He dabbed the wound dry with a separate cloth, and, pressing his hand over Caitlin’s trembling, sobbing lips, blotted the gash with the alcohol-soaked cloth.

  The girl screamed against his hand, and he could feel her saliva coating his palm, and for a second he panicked, thinking of how she could have bitten down in pain, and then –

  “Matt!”

  “It won’t! It won’t get her, I swear it!” Matt gasped in agony, cleaning the bite as best as he could.  He grabbed Caitlin’s hand.

  “Stay with us, darling. Stay with us. It’s you, me, and Kaz, eh? Us three. Together forever.  And Shay, our buddy. And we’ll find your mum and dad, and we’ll be happy. And this will all have been a nightmare, a ridiculous, forgotten nightmare. You’ll see.”

  Caitlin’s teeth chattered against each other. Tears slipped down her face steadily. Above her, Karen cried, her weeping now silent, futile, running her hands through her cousin’s hair. The girl shook like mad. “I…’m…scared,” she managed to choke out.

  “No. Not scared. Don’t be scared,” Karen pleaded, kissing her other small hand, bringing the fingers up to her mouth and kissing the gritty fingernails. “Caitlin-“

  The shivering escalated, and foam began to collect at the corners of her mouth.

  “No! Please, no!” Matt cried. Shay barked.

  Icicles gleamed from the branches ahead, winking at them as if they knew a secret.

  Karen sat back onto her heels, dumbfounded, as everything seemed to slow, phasing into a dream. In that moment, all that seemed to register was the panic taking over her cousin’s eyes.

  She saw, as if in a dream, Matt grabbing both of Caitlin’s wrists and binding them together.

  Caitlin’s eyes were now growing cloudy, the green swallowed up in puffy grey. Like an oncoming storm.

  Her screams were growing wilder and wilder, rougher, more unearthly and foreign.

  “Karen,” Matt was saying, voice distorted as if in slow-motion. “Karen!”

  She couldn’t move. She felt like she had cotton balls stuffed in her ears and in her mouth. She felt she was choking on the dryness of her own throat.

  “Karen, what do we do? What do we fucking do, Karen!?”

  In a daze, she reached down, picked up her bag, and began walking away, away from the dying Caitlin, away from the birth of a grotesque imitation of her.

  “We can’t leave her! Karen!”

  The snow had become much heavier to walk through, suddenly. She’d forgotten how thick it was.

  “Karen! Please!”

  “Do us all a favour,” Karen said, in a normal, level tone. “And make sure it’s just you and me.”

  She didn’t turn around, but she could sense his sagging mouth, dark surprise and disbelief in his eyes as he recognised his own words.

  The icicle that had caught Caitlin’s attention fell and shattered against a lower branch.

  The screams would have sent a shiver up her spine, if she could let herself hear them.

  Karen’s feet were nearly soundless, snow blanketing their motion.

  A gunshot cracked like a tree breaking at its roots, and it seemed to echo over the lonely woods.

  There was complete calm and quiet again.

  Karen walked faster.

  “Karen!”

  One step forward.

  “Karen!”

  One step forward.

  “KAREN!”

  Two steps march.

  She could hear his pounding footsteps struggling through the snow after her, and he seized her from behind.

  She screamed, and she whirled around and fought him, hard. Her fingernails ripped down his cheek, drawing blood. Her hair flew everywhere, like a broken fan.

  “Fuck you! FUCK YOU!” she screamed. “You knew! You knew we’d let this happen and you let it happen and I hate you!”

  Stunned and hurt from her sudden attack, Matt let go, and she fell over herself again, face first into the snow. 

Previous Chapters.

(8/?)

The Floodgates Open.

Matt awoke the next morning to silence. Disoriented by the fact that he wasn’t in his own bed, but was rather on an uncomfortable armchair, he hovered on the edge of panic for a few seconds before the memories of the previous day came flooding back. Startlingly aware, he sat bolt upright and scanned the bed across the room for signs of Karen. She wasn’t there, and Matt felt that sick panic creeping in again. He rubbed his eyes and groggily stood, stumbling over to the bed.

The sheets had been pulled back in a fair attempt to make the bed, but there was no note telling Matt where she’d gone. He absentmindedly fluffed one of the pillows before checking the bathroom - empty - and finally deciding to ask Arthur if he knew where the mysterious ginger had got to.

Arthur’s room was empty too, however, and Matt was now more confused than ever. He wandered back into his own room, pulled on a pair of jeans over his boxers and headed out into the hall.

As the door swung shut behind him, Matt’s ears pricked up at the sound of music. He could hear a piano being played, and the soft strumming of guitar strings. He followed the noise into the lobby, where he was greeted by the sight of Arthur and Karen putting on an impromptu performance.

Karen was sitting at a gleaming baby grand, spine rigid, hair swaying slightly from side to side as she reached for the keys. Her back was to him, but he didn’t need to see her face to feel the emotion she was putting into the piece. He could feel the longing of each note echo through his skin to reverberate in his bones, and he wondered for the first time in his life if the absence of lyrics could be an asset to a song.

Arthur was sitting to her right on one of the couches, guitar in hand, head bowed over the struts. The two of them were playing a song Matt recognised - he couldn’t remember the name, but he knew that it was an old one of his that Arthur had been keen to rework for the album.

He stopped in the doorway, scared that if he entered the room proper he’d shatter the spell their song was casting over Watchcombe.

Arthur’s eyes were closed, fingers moving swiftly and assuredly across the strings of his faithful guitar, and Karen was running her slender fingers along the keys of the piano as though the movements came as naturally to her as breathing. The song reached its crescendo - a key change, a soaring run, the triumphant finale. But, to Matt’s surprised, this rendition of his song didn’t finish where he’d intended it to.

Arthur stopped playing, splaying his palm over the strut to stop the strings from reverberating, but Karen continued on. She replayed the first few notes from the chorus in the higher key, slowly and gently, letting the spaces between the notes linger before she finally drew the song to a close.

In the seconds that followed, no one moved. Matt remained stuck in the doorway, floored by the talent he’d just witnessed. It was only when someone started applauding that he came back to reality.

“Oh that was wonderful!” Billie exclaimed, continuing to clap as she made her way around the desk. Matt hadn’t even noticed her back there. “Honestly, that was lovely. You can do all your rehearsing in here from now on if the rest of your stuff’s as good as that.”

“Thanks, Billie,” Arthur said, smiling up at her as he loaded his guitar back into its case.

Karen blushed under the attention, her shoulders rising to her ears as she bashfully turned away. Her cheeks flushed the most beautiful shade of pink, and Matt found himself drawn across the room immediately.

“Nice piano,” he said, swaggering into the room with his hands shoved casually in his pockets. “And nice performance! Though I have to say, it was missing something… A vocalist, maybe?”

Arthur laughed. “On ya mate.”

Matt gave him a genuine smile and clapped him on the back. He looked up at Karen and said, “Seriously though, that was incredible. I’ve been stuck on that song for the longest time and you two just… brought something entirely new to it.”

“It was all Karen,” Arthur said modestly. “We were going to get some breakfast when she saw the piano and… well, you heard her play. She’s a natural.”

Karen’s smile was so proud it made Matt’s breath catch in his throat.

“She definitely is.”

“Bit of a muse, this one,” Billie said, nudging Matt in the side playfully. “She could be just the inspiration you were looking for.”

He knew that she’d meant it as a joke more than anything, but what she’d said was true. Matt had been in a total rut for the longest time before coming to Watchcombe, and it was only since meeting Karen that he’d had the urge to even try to find his way out. She was the only light that had been able to reach the depths he’d sunk to, and she shone so brilliantly that he was willing to swim forever as long as it meant he could keep on seeing her shine.

“You know, Billie, I think you’re right.”

Billie’s smile softened at the edges, and he saw her glance at him out of the corner of her eye. She smirked as she went back around the reception desk. “As always.”

“Well, I’m starving,” Arthur announced, clapping both hands against his stomach dramatically. “What do you say we hit up the breakfast buffet in the dining hall?”

Karen nodded enthusiastically, but Matt paused to think.

“Actually, I’m not that hungry. Why don’t you guys go eat and I’ll meet you back here when you’re done?”

“...Alright, if that’s what you want.”

“Yeah, go ahead. I’ll see ya in a bit.”

He watched Arthur and Karen head towards the dining hall; Arthur was telling her that she played beautifully, asking her where she’d learnt. She was waving her arms about and mouthing things madly, trying to explain, but Arthur was just shaking his head in confusion. She looked back over her shoulder at Matt just once before they rounded the corner, and her eyes were sparkling.

“Billie,” he said, staring at the patterned wallpaper behind where Karen had just stood. “I’m going to get my notebook and I’ll be right back. Don’t let anyone else use that piano.”

  ///

  Matt had found his muse. Once he sat at that piano and started to write, he didn’t stop. The words just poured onto the page, line after line, all about the girl with the ginger hair and the sparkling eyes, the one who had swept in from the sea and swept him off his feet. He wrote of mythological maidens with voices too beautiful to be heard, of smiles brighter than sunflowers, of summer days on the seashore where his heart felt as light as the breeze.

Arthur and Karen came back from breakfast, and after his flatmate got over his shock the two of them sat down and joined him in the song writing. Karen splayed her palms across the top of the piano and leant down, mouthing something that looked suspiciously like hello to the instrument. Before Matt could ask about it, she slid onto the bench beside him. She read over his lyrics, watching as he tapped out a beat to go with them.

And then she reached across him and began to play, and as she created the perfect melody to go with his words Matt wondered how she could just intrinsically know what he was trying to convey. Arthur joined in, mixing up the rhythm and making suggestions for a change of certain words here and there - “Change luminescent to effervescent, we need the sharpness of the f’s in there.” - and together the three of them got more songwriting done in three hours than Matt had in the past three weeks.

Billie darted in and out, bringing them tea and biscuits and praising their work when she heard a line or a tune that she particularly enjoyed. Mainly she sat behind her desk with her chin resting in her palm, watching them play with a content smile.

Karen’s arm brushed against Matt’s as she reached for the higher keys, or his hand bumped hers as they both went to play the same note at the same time. She’d bite her lip and look up at him through her eyelashes, and he was instantly transported back to the lagoon.

Without even thinking about it, he played the tune they’d danced to on the street - the song had been stuck in his head ever since, and actually playing the melody out loud felt cathartic. Karen joined in, so he was playing the high notes and she the same ones in a lower key, and the rest of the room melted away.

Their rendition was slower, calmer, simpler than what the buskers had played. They took the song and made it their own, weaving their notes together and around each other to create an entirely new core. Matt started to sing softly; there were no words, just nonsensical sounds and humming, but Karen was nodding her head and moving her lips in time, as though she could hear and understand him without him even saying a word.

For the final note, his hand overlapped Karen’s. Her fingers fell perfectly into the space between his, and now that he could feel her skin against his he found that he didn’t want to let her go.

Neither of them were looking at the piano anymore. Somehow their bodies had turned in towards each other so their knees were touching, and Matt felt that if he just stared into her eyes for a moment longer he’d see her whole life story laid out before him.

It was a cough from Arthur that brought him crashing back into the lobby. He pulled his hand back and cleared his throat, and Karen looked away, tilting her head forward so that her hair hid her face.

“That was… wow,” Arthur said, staring at them. “That was really something.”

“I think we got a lot done today. Made a lot of progress,” Matt said as casually as he could manage.

“Yeah, I think you did.” Arthur was looking pointedly at Karen, who still had her head bowed as she collected the pages of sheet music she’d been writing down for them.

Matt just shook his head, because how could he respond to that?

Arthur let the matter drop, until later that afternoon when he was getting changed to go see Ines and asked Matt which shirt he preferred.

“So,” he said, having decided on the one with light yellow checks, which they had fondly nicknamed The Peaches and Cream, “Karen, eh?”

Matt narrowed his eyes. “What about her?”

“Don’t play dumb, you know what about her.”

“Do I?”

“Yes, you do, now stop being a prat and just tell me what you’re going to do about it.”

“What do I need to do about it? Nothing needs to be done, Arthur, it’s not like -” Matt stopped himself abruptly, catching the words on the very tip of his tongue; it’s not like I’m in love with her.

“Not like what?”

“It’s not like last time.”

Arthur frowned, fastening up the button at his collar. “It better not be.”

“It’s not, okay? I’ve learnt my lesson about rushing into things, and - and putting people on pedestals.”

Arthur paused. He unbuttoned his collar, tugged on his sleeves and the hem of the shirt. Matt could see the cogs in his head turning over before he finally vocalised his thoughts. “You know she’s back in town?”

“She is?” Matt’s voice broke on the second syllable.

“Mhmm.” Another pause. “Will you go see her, when we get back?”

“No. No, definitely not.” Matt pressed the heels of his palms against his eyes until he could see spots against the blackness. “Why would I?”

“... No reason. When are you going to go home, anyway?”

Matt let his hands drop into his lap. “What do you mean?”

“Well I have to leave tomorrow afternoon, I have work. But you can stay here, if you’d like. I spoke to Billie and she said the room’s free if you wanna keep it.”

Matt thought of home, their stuffy flat and the bustling streets and the smog above gleaming glass office towers and grand old monuments. It all seemed so far away, like an entirely different world.

“I could stay one more night, I suppose…”

Arthur gave him a knowing smile. “Well, I’m off. I’ll see you later tonight, maybe. Don’t wait up!”

Matt remained seated on the end of Arthur’s bed, thinking over their conversation. The more he thought about it, the less appealing going home seemed. Leaving Watchcombe meant leaving Karen behind, and he wasn’t sure he could do that. What would happen to her without him, anyway? DI Tennant hadn’t been in contact with any news, and Doctor Song had stressed Karen’s vulnerability. He couldn’t just abandon her. She needed him.

He didn’t let himself consider the prospect that he may have needed her just as badly.