Glancing down at the Bushwacka in his hands Knowlen gave a short hallow chuckle, letting the tip of the blade press into the end of his finger as he slowly spun it in his grasp, the dangerous tip threatening to break skin with each twist. “Heh…..yeah…ya can say my fatha was a bit……intense.” He agreed, a darker look flickering across his face as the idea of becoming his father tugged at his thoughts, the thought enough to make his jaw clench with fearful tension. “…No.” The word coming out in a bite of sound that was sharp enough his teeth could be heard clicking when his mouth shut. “No, I have no intention of eva doin’ ta my kids what my fatha did ta me an’ Anna….”His thoughts more on his fathers behavior and unpredictable temper rather than how he trained the siblings. “….I will neva, NEVER, have my kids afraid of me tha way Dianna was afraid of him….children aren’t suppose ta cower from their parents…” His flare of anger and regret causing the tip of the knife to finally cut into him, drawing several beads of crimson that he simply stared at with a sigh. 

Adjusting himself in his chair Knowlen pulled at the leather pants that bound his legs, the cold temperature that rained down upon the BLU base causing the sniper to pull out his trusty and warm winter wear. “My first kill? Hm…” Draping an arm over the back of the chair as he got more comfortable, taking a moment to recall the event. “Well….ya see I was about 10…or maybe it was 11, cant quite rememba….but my dad took me and Anna into one of tha old abandoned bases that he liked ta dump us at ta train, with a spook.” His fingers drumming over the back of the plastic chair as he retold the tail of his youth, his amber eyes staring down at his hand as the memories played out in his head. “My dad didn’t think work’n on dummies or targets was simply enough, wanted us ta get a taste of real battle….wanted us ta understand just what we were train’n against. He gave me his Shiv an’ told me that I needed ta either kill tha spy or tha spy was gunna kill me.” A heavy sigh breathing from him as he let his fingers curl for a moment, pausing as he gathered himself. “Dad was all ‘bout motivation, so he took Anna an’ locked her in one of tha rooms, tell’n her that if I didn’t get ta her in time tha spy was goin’ ta do awful things ta her….of course at tha time neither she nor I knew he just wanted her ta call out ta me, ta spur me ta move faster; we didn’t know he had locked tha door lead’n ta tha room she was in. So….of course, once I heard my 5 year old sista cry’n for me I didn’t hesitate when tha time came…” the sentence trailing off for a moment as he closed his eyes, looking as if he could still hear Dianna calling out to him like it was happening now instead of so many years ago. “I can’t really tell ya how it felt ta kill tha spook….cause I didn’t really feel anythin…I just reacted an’ did what I thought was right, what I had been train’n for.” His voice lowering into a soft whisper as he added, “…Hear’n her cry…..I was so afraid I’d lose her…..it just…..made me numb ta anythin else.”

Instantly a flash of emotion danced across Knowlen’s features as his jaw clenched, grinding his teeth as his amber eyes turned downward in silence, the words that were his own personal knife cutting at him yet again but this time from a different source. “Yeah……..probably….” His tone deep with a somberness that was rarely used with the sniper as he slowly stood from his lawn chair and turned to head inside his camper; the click of his door shutting echoing with his guilt.