#matcat

I step up to the door, taking it in for the first time. It seems like a shitty apartment building. Not sure why but I expected him to have some gorgeous place that would make me feel like shit and turn around. Like if I could see that his life was perfect out here, it would convince me to leave him alone. But it's just normal.

I text him that I'm here and within moments, he's at the door letting me in. His hair is longer, and its not pink anymore. Rather, a bleach blond with hints of faded purple. Aside from that it's still him. Still skinny and tall, confident and sort of powerful in a way.

"Um, do you wanna come upstairs? To talk?" He gestures towards the stairs. I nod, unable to speak as I suddenly feel sick. This is insane. I am definitely imposing. But I still stumble up the stairs behind him and follow him into his apartment.

I close the door behind me and wait for him to say something. He doesn't. He's waiting for me to tell him what happened. But I don't even know. I came all this way and I have no idea what to tell him. I could say my cat died. I could say that I couldn't tell any of our old friends. I could say that I've hardly gotten out of bed the past month. I could say so many things, but I don't know where to start or where to stop or if any of it even matters to begin with. Part of me is still sure he doesn't actually care.

So I choose to push it all back down. I choose to talk about something else.

"I missed you."

He looks surprised, then confused.

"I… missed you too." For a moment I think he's going to say something else, but he doesn't.

This is so weird. I shouldn't be here. I sit down on his peeling leather couch, which is kinda gross, but very him. I place my bags down between my legs.

Once it becomes clear to him that I won't start talking on my own, he sighs and sits beside me, "Kitty, what happened?"

Fuck. I almost forgot about that nickname. It's cute, and it was only ever his nickname for me. Nobody else picked up on it, I suppose. I need to try to answer him.

"Um," I start, and my eyes are already watering, "my cat… died while I was away at university." I sniffle and swipe at my face with my sleeve, trying to keep my composure. "I didn't get to say goodbye."

With that admission hanging in the air, I break down into sobs and hide my face in my hands. Just like I did earlier this morning, but now it feels heavier somehow. Maybe because it's been said out loud, or maybe because it's in front of him.

I feel him hesitantly wrap his arms around me, and as soon as I lean into it, he starts hugging me tightly. He whispers beside my ear, "I'm so sorry."

The sobs eventually slow to a stop and I can relearn how to breathe. I use his breathing as an example. It helps. My head is resting on his shoulder and his head is leaning softly on mine. This is the most comfortable I've been in months. I didn't even lose her that long ago, but something was wrong before then too.

"I think…" I stop myself and wipe my nose on my sleeve, "I think it's more than that, maybe. I think something is wrong with me. Ever since school started I've just felt…" I search for the words. Numb isn't right, it's even less than that, and so much more. It's not quite sad, either.

"It's like I'm watching my life through a one-way mirror." I glance up to make sure he's still listening. Of course he is. "Like, I can't actually do anything. Things just happen around me. I feel…" I lower my voice to a whisper, scared that if I say it, it'll make it true, "crazy."

"No." He says it almost defensively, which scares me out of his arms. He grabs my hand softly, almost instinctively. "You're so not crazy. Everything else is crazy, and that city is a fucking killer. But you are…" He stops himself, then tries again, "You don't deserve this shit, Cal, I'm so sorry."

I sort of scoff at that. It feels like I definitely deserve it. I'm making it infinitely harder for myself by refusing to talk to any of my friends at university about this stuff.

"Don't do that. You don't deserve to feel like that."

"Why not?"

He gives me this confused glare, like my question is so weird. I just don't get why he seems to think so highly of me when I've completely ignored him since graduation.

Before he answers, he sighs and looks away, "Because you are the sweetest person ever and you are trapped in such a hell-scape and nobody deserves that but especially not you. And I probably can't ever say that again but I mean it, and I always thought it when we used to hang out, and I'm sure it's still true now."

Oh. That was… really nice. And he was calling me sweet.

"Heh, gross." I diffuse the emotional atmosphere with a quick joke. He smiles.

"Shut up, that was actually me being so honest!"

"No, I know, it was gross."

"You're gross." He suddenly drops my hand like it'll give him the plague, still smiling.

I really did miss this. I missed him. He's just easier to talk to than everyone back home. So much so that we end up just talking for hours. I tell him about how Clover and Critter are doing, about the things going on with my family that I've been desperately trying to ignore, about my falling grades and my complete lack of motivation for anything. He tells me about his life here, that it's not everything he was hoping, but he's making the best of it. He tells me about his new friends and their lives with an excitement I never saw back home. I even get a taste of his banter again, and it's everything I've needed.

By the time we notice the moonlight streaming through the window, he's already insisting I spend the night.

"It'll be just like our old sleepovers! And honestly, fuck that school anyway. You can miss one more day."

"I don't know, I've already been absent or tardy for half the days last week. What if they kick me out?" I cannot live with my parents again.

"They have to, like, warn you before they do that. Have you been warned, Kitty?"

"No, but-"

"Then you're safe! I'll get one of my friends to drive you home tomorrow, okay?"

I think about it. It would be nice to not have to take the bus back. And it's not like I want to leave him and go back to whatever poison fills that city.

this the sad, codependant one not the fun cannibalism one YET but the angst got to me sooo ya <3