Mashton

Warnings: self hate

some fluff for a change: Ashton feels insecure and Michael helps him feel better.

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Michael had noticed it the first time when Ashton kept his shirt on when they went to the beach.

Sure, some people kept their shirt on when they were swimming but Michael had never paid it much mind and never wondered why some of these people might do this.

So he had confusedly asked his boyfriend of a week: "Hey, Ash, why are you not taking off your shirt?"

Ashton had only shrugged and told him he felt cold.

But he couldn't possibly always be feeling cold.

Especially not during a hot bath.

"I know you're not comfortable with being naked around each other, Ash, so I thought we could wear swimming trunks."

Ashton shook his head again.

Michael didn't know that it was a struggle for him just to wear short pants or said swimming trunks - and squeezing into a bathtub with the other tall boy? No, he would notice how fat he was and how annoyingly squishy everywhere. Ashton didn't even let his boyfriend cuddle him for that reason.

Ashton had always wanted to cuddle. He'd never done it and he craved it but he was too disgusted by the thought of the other boy having to feel his body.

And he didn't want him to see it either. He couldn't even look at himself, always averting his eyes when he was showering or getting changed.

So how was he supposed to let someone else look at him?

What if Michael would realise how much better he could do if he saw him like this - without clothes?

"Ash? You in there?" Michael was waving his hand in front of Ashton's face with a slight smile on his own. He looked fond of the other boy.

"I- yea, sorry"

"S fine, but do you really wanna waste that water? It's already in the bathtub."

"You can just use it yourself", Ashton's voice was careful and soft, "I just don't feel like taking a bath today, you know."

"You told me you love it, though"

Damn, he had. Michael knew that Ashton loved baths much more than a quick shower. He didn't see any way out of this, so a few minutes later he was left alone in the bedroom, a pair of swimming trunks pressed into his hand.

Michael was already getting changed in the bathroom.

It wasn't even one of those big pant like one, it was one of those wimming trunks that stick tightly to your body and that made everything even worse.

"Ash?", Michael's head and one of his bare shoulders peaked out of the bathroom door.

Ashton looked up from the piece of clothing in his hand.

He must have looked pretty broken, as Michael immediately walked towards him, a worried expression on his face. "Hey, you okay?"

Ashton gulped, trying to manage a tight smile, but that only made his boyfriend's worried expression deeper.

"What's up?", he carefully asked as he wrapped his arms around his still fully clothed boyfriend.

Ashton breathed deeply, trying to find the confidence to tell his boyfriend what was going on. But he didn't even have to.

"You don't wanna take off your clothes?"

He shook his head.

Then he was being led into the bathroom and Michael grabbed under his thighs softly, lifting him up to sit him on the counter by the sink.

Ashton kept his head hung low, inspecting his hands that lay in his lap.

"Baby", Michael whispered and carefully put a finger under the other man's chin to lift his head up. Green eyes met hazel ones. But only for a second, then Ashton quickly averted his.

"Hey", Michael kept his voice in that low whisper, "Look at me please"

Ashton bit his lip, then pulled his head away. Michael's hand fell back down and he looked at his boyfriend with sad eyes. Something wasn't right here. Really not right.

"Ash -", a sob escaped the other boy and his big hands went up to harshly rub at his eyes that were threatening to spill tears.

"I- I'm sorry" he hiccuped, trying to shrink in on himself on the counter and bend away from Michael at the same time.

"Hey, hey, no", Michael reached out, slowly to not scare Ashton, and grabbed his face in both hands, carefully turning it back so he could look into those hazel eyes again. There were glassy now, the first teardrop slipling into his lower lashline right as they made eyecontact again.

"Don't be sorry, it's okay", he wiped the tear and the ones that were quickly following away with his thumbs, "Can you talk to me, though, babe? Please?"

Ashton shrugged, a sad tired movement of his shoulders.

Michael gave him time to gather the courage to tell him. He stayed silent and just caressed his boyfriend carefully, aware that he wouldn't speak up if he pressured him.

"I just...", Ashton gulped, looking down to let his curls cover his face, "I'm so ugly"

It was merely a whisper, but Michael still heard it.

Adjusting his voice to his boyfriend's he said: "Why do you think that, baby?"

Another few minutes passed, Ashton self consicously picking at his arms and keeping his curls hiding his face.

Michael carefully massaged his thighs with his thumbs, the rest of his fingers just splaying on them and holding onto him.

"I'm fat", the drummer finally mumbled again, "And disgusting. You're all so fit, but I'm so fat. It doesn't look like I excerzise or play drums almost every night at all. I just look fat, Mike. So fat and ugly."

Michael's voice sounded heartbroken when he let out a small "Baby"

Ashton just shook his head, not wanting to hear any consoling words from his boyfriend. He was his boyfriend he had to be nice to him.

"I'm not just being nice, Ash. I love you. The boys love you. The fans do. And none of us think that you're fat.", his hands went to grip the others hips instead, "If I thought you were fat and if you wanted to change that - because you wouldn't have to, I love you either way and I just want you to be comfortable - but if you did, I'd help you change. But, Ash - there's nothing fat or ugly about you. Yes, you're a wide strong boy. But you're my wide strong boy with your big thighs that I love so much and your arm muscles and strong stomach and your chest - you know, I love your chest", Ashton did, Mikey went nuts whenever he got to see part of his chest in those vests he wore on stage, "I love all of you, to be exact, baby. All of you, do you hear me? And all of you is beautiful and cute and strong. Ash, everyone who looks at you can see that you work out, that you're one big muscled boy. Just biceps, wow! And I know I've never seen your upper body, but baby - I go crazy just thinking about it."

"And when you'll see it you'll be disappointed", Ashton mumbled sadly, lifting his hands to try and tug the collar of his shirt further up his neck, so it would hide more of him.

Michael softly grabbed his hands, shaking his head. "Did you not listen to anything I just said, Ash?"

Sad hazel eyes met his then. Ashton looked like he was close to crying.

"I did. But you're lying, Mike. You've never seen - and when you do, you'll see that I'm right and -"

"Well, let's see then, shall we?"

Ashton's eyes widened in shock, then his body started to try to wiggle away from Mike's hands that were mercilessly tugging up his shirt. Michael didn't want to torture his boyfriend, but he needed him to see what he saw. There was no doubt that Ashton was beautiful, absolutely no doubt.

His big freckled hands tried to pry down the fabric of the shirt that was already rucked up to under his armpits now, but Michael might be weaker and have smaller hands, but he wasn't willing to give up.

"Arms up, baby, you know there's no other way out of this"

He only noticed the tears running down the tanned boy's cheeks when he had given up, lifte his arms and immediately wrapped them around his chest and stomach, curling in on himself and trying his best to hide away.

A wave of guilt washed over Michael when he sae the tears.

"Babe" he whispered again, wiping away the tears, but new ones immediately followed. Then a small sob.

Michael had never seen Ashton like that.

"Stop, please", it sounded strangled, "You don't - I'm so disgusting, Mikey, please"

For a while, Michael was unsure of what to do. He really did not want his boyfriend to keep breaking like that in front of him, but he also really didn't want to see him ever think of himself as disgusting again. Because he wasn't.

At some point Michael realized that Ashton's eyes were peaking out from behind his curtain of curls, focused on something in front of him. The pale boy followed his gaze and blushed, when he found what he was so intensely looking at. But he also couldn't help but grin.

"Ash", he giggled, "I can see you looking at my dick"

The teary eyes shot up, curls bouncing on his forehead and his cheeks burning. "I- i"

"It's okay", Michael was still giggling a little, "I'll just put on some underwear real quick."

When he was done with that and turned back around, he wanted to squeak from happiness. Ashton had lowered his arms, the hands now resting in his lap again.

Although Mike really wanted to oggle the other's chest now that he saw it fully for the first time, but he instead softly took his hands in his own.

"Ash", he mumbled lovingly, lifting them up to his lips and kissing each of them.

"I love you", he whispered, "I love you, I love you, I love you"

While repeating those words, he slowly put Ashton's hands back down, giving view to his upper body. When Ashton saw his boyfriend's gaze lock onto it, he gripped tighter onto the hands still holding his. It was slightly painful, but Michael didn't say a thing.

He could see Ashton's chest rapidly rising and falling, his stomach muscles outlined, his tummy jutting out the tiniest bit where the line of his pants ended. And his chest hair, god, Michael actually had to hold himself back from starting to salivate all over himself.

"God", he mumbled, somehow sounding out of breath, "Ash"

Unsure hazel eyes looked at him again, so he finally let the smile take over his features and added "You're fucking hot"

A giggle slipped out of his boyfriend, making Mike grin even more. He immediately shook his head afterwards, though, refusing to believe it.

"Yes, Ash, yes, you are", he let go of his hands, having to pull a bit due to Ashton's grip on them, then sat them on the other's stomach as carefully as possible, "And what were you saying about having no muscles? Yes, I feel softness - not fat, Ash, softness -, but I feel a damn lot of muscle underneath this."

Ashton was blushing furiously.

"And your chest, Ash.", he gave his boyfriend a long look.

"What - what is it?", the boy asked in return, worried, "I - is it too hairy? I can shave it ,I promise, I-"

"Don't you dare" Michael gave a lopsided grin, "your 'hairy chest' is freaking hot, Ash. I wanna grab it and squish it and put my hands all over it. God, Ash, I want to get my mouth on it."

Ashton's blush increased. A lot.

"You - uh"

"You are the most beautiful, most attractive man I have ever seen, Ash. And I want us to work on you seeing that the same way, okay? I want you to grow comfortable to be shirtless around me, around other people. And then I want you to become confident of your thighs, baby. I want you to be able to take your pants off in front of me and be proud of those wide beautiful muscled pieces of legs you have. I want you to freaking dance naked in the shower, while I'm standing next to you, okay?"

Okay, maybe the last one was a bit too much. Which didn't mean that Michael definitely wanted it, but he didn't want to overwhelm his boyfriend.

"Okay?", he repeated, now in a hushed tone again, "Are you with me? Will you work on it with me?"

Ashton blinked a few times, drying tears still on his red cheeks and hazel eyes sad, but not as sad as before.

Finally he gave a small nod.

A bright smile took over Michael's features and he leaned in to smooch his boy right on the lips.

"Thank you", he mumbled against them, "Thank you. I'm so proud of you, I love you."

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